the lehman house [39]

Monday. I was going to go to Dayton this morning but on my way to the gas station to fill up for the drive, my brakes blew out. I literally saw pieces fly out from underneath my car. I pulled it into the overflow and was able to park it. I ate lunch at C.C.U. with Jessie, Mandy, and Tony H. Lots of laughs. I borrowed Ams’ car and bought some Jim Beam. Mandy and I went to Aldi’s and I grabbed dinner from Chipotle. When Sarah got home we went to the Sunset Pub for drinks and conversation.

Tuesday. Mandy drove me to Dayton to get my SSN card since my car’s out of commission. We ate lunch at McDonald’s back at the house and she ran off to class. Mandy told me why Maggie’s been so quiet lately: she’s been talking to their friend Jeffrey Murdertrain and wants to date him now. “It’s good you two didn’t date,” she said, “’cause she’d want to have sex with you ALL the time.” When Sarah came home we drank Jim Beam and got drunk and danced to club music courtesy of Chris. She filmed a video of me doing a playful striptease. Jessie and I went over to Rob and Mandy’s, and Rob made coffee and Tony H. joined us and we played 007 on the N64. Jessie took me home and I was sobered up by 11:30 to enjoy countless laughs with Ams and Sarah.

Wednesday. Jessie came over and we made baked potatoes, chicken, and mushrooms for dinner. Mandy came over for a while and dropped Maebe on the floor. When Sarah got home we did pilates and watched a show on taboo mental disorders and eating roadkill.

Thursday. I took Sarah to work; she’s letting me borrow her car. I went to the Price Hill Rec Center and took a test for a possible government job with the U.S. Census Bureau. Mandy came over, and we drank Jim Beam and talked about Sarah. “She’s dumb and shallow and kind of a bitch,” Mandy said. “You like her and I don’t know why.” Jobst and I went to the Chinese Buffet on Glenway for lunch and then down to Fountain Square. He bought me a kickass pipe and some tobacco as a graduation present. We went back to my place and Isaac came over. We smoked our pipes and played chess. They left, and Ams picked up Sarah from work and when they got home we had a great dinner—potatoes, corn, beans, and chicken—and did pilates. Ams went to UCC to work on school stuff and Sarah went to her brother’s so I had some bourbon and did some writing. When Sarah got home we listened to some hip hop and danced and went to bed.

Friday. I woke around 10:00. Jessica S. from JBM sent me a message saying that when she was praying, God told her to pray for me. It was encouraging. Jobst came over and we ate lunch and watched a Dino documentary and smoked our pipes. Sarah went to her cousin’s baseball game around and got home around 9:00, and I drove her out to her friend Stephanie’s house and she introduced two of her guy friends, Matt and Justin, who are a class act. I drove them out to Bar 127, and we stopped by a UDF marketplace on the way; when Sarah and Stephanie went inside, the guys remarked that “the only thing girls are good for is fucking.” Having dropped them off, I returned home and hung out with Jessie and Tony. They have a thing for each other. Around 2 AM I drove back to the bar to pick up Sarah. She had a boy with her and was all up on him in the bar, and she brought him back to the house and was all over him. She flaunted it in front of my face, laughing and giggling, letting him grope her as she kissed him. She made eye contact and SMILED at me. Then she took him downstairs and I was alone and I drank five shots of bourbon and cut myself and passed out.

Saturday. Last night = HELL. I only slept two hours knowing she and her new pal Billy were messing around in the basement. I woke starving, tried to eat but couldn’t. I called Mom, and when I heard her voice I just broke down, sobbing uncontrollably, everything coming out, all the pent up frustration and depression and anger bursting from the seams. I told her I want to move home and I told her what happened and she told me to move home. I composed myself and boxed up my things. Sarah came up and asked what I was doing. I told her, and she got mad. I was honest with her: “I want to be with you so badly, more than anything, even more than I wanted to be with Courtney. And last night, when you were with that boy, you flaunted it in front of my eyes, and you fucking smiled at me as you were doing it. Whenever I look at you, it hurts, because I want you, and I can’t have you.” She acknowledged the rottenness of what she did, lamented not having me around anymore, and she started crying uncontrollably as I walked out the front door to meet up with Jessie at the Golden Eagle, where I told her everything that went down. She wanted to chew out Sarah and she agrees with my decision. I told Mandy and she flipped shit. “I fucking hate that girl, she’s such a selfish and insensitive bitch, and she’s getting what she deserves.” Dad came by, and we fixed the brakes on my car and he empathized with me. Sarah and her boy went out to eat and to the museum, and she invited me along to try and make things up. I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Dylan came over and we saw “Youth in Revolt” at the AMC and grabbed dinner. When we got home Sarah was on the couch, visibly upset. We took shots and Tyler showed up and Mandy came in and stormed past Sarah and Sarah broke down again. Dylan, Tyler, Mandy and I went to the Hoos Apartment, and Tony was there and we got drunk and went to a kegger at Nate’s house in honor of the Haitian victims. It was good seeing Nate, Amos, Blake, Isaac, and Brandy. Even Jessie came. I got drunk and laughed so hard I almost puked and forgot all about everything that had happened. Sarah was going to come to the kegger but decided against it because right now everyone pretty much hates her. Ams hates the idea of me moving out, but knows it might be for the best. “Maybe this will teach Sarah that her dumb actions have consequences, and maybe she shouldn’t just think about herself all the time.”

Sunday. Dylan and Tyler went home, and I finished packing my things, just the bare essentials. I’ll be taking the guest bedroom, a.k.a. Grandma’s room, at the house. Sarah and I went out to eat at Panera before I headed to Dayton. It was sad, and I told her the move to Dayton was inevitable: after all, I don’t have a job. I told her it’s unfair of me to be a stumbling stone in her life, holding her back from what she wants to do. After we ate I hugged her bye and then left. I went and visited Chris & Ams at Chris’ place and then went to see Rob & Mandy at their apartment before heading home. On the ride up I felt certain of my decision, but once I unpacked I was hit by a wave of sorrow. And it came on two fronts. First, there was the sorrow of knowing that she and Billy are seemingly crazy about one another, and they’ll have what I wanted us to have; and second, I know one chapter of my friendship with Sarah has ended, and a new one has begun. She’ll go her way and I’ll go mine, what I always wanted with her will never come to pass, and as I lie in this bed all I can see is her smile, all I can hear is her laugh, and tears well up in my eyes, but as the song goes, “It’s for the best.”