the dayton days XXI

I didn't see Blake this week. But I wish I had.

Monday. Sarah called late last night, confessed that she and Keith had been together, but things were over now: he kicked her to the curb for some piece of white-trash ass. "The only thing that makes me feel better," she said, "is knowing that a guy as good and awesome as you liked me." I went to Starbucks and then grabbed China Cottage with Hank. A string of storms rolled through: mass flooding and tornado sirens. I went to Indiana and visited Jess Lynn. We ate dinner at a dive joint in Liberty and then got ice cream and went to a park and stood on a dock at twilight. Then we went to a playground and played on the tire swing. I got home around midnight. On the way back I had to shit so bad and couldn't find a gas station, being in the middle of nowhere, so I pulled into a subdivision and shit into a bag and threw it out the window. And I killed an opossum with my front left tire.

Tuesday. I met up with Frank, a guy I met at F.C.C. last week. We grabbed lunch at Frisch's, and he talked about all sorts of stuff he's going through. The poor guy's a little slow, and he's the type who gives everything a spiritual meaning. Very dualistic and platonic in his beliefs. And he's a talker; boy, is he a talker. It was exhausting just to listen to his circular and repetitive conversation monologue. I worked 4-11:00 with Abby and some others. 

Wednesday. I got up at 7:30 and went for a short run before working 10-6:00. The midday shifts feel long because you watch the morning shifts leave and the evening shifts come in. Sarah sent me a bunch of messages about Keith and his girlfriend, how much it hurts, yadda-yadda. My heart hurts for her. She needs to reorient herself and get back on two feet before hunting down the next douche to date. At 6:30 I called Faith I. I met her through Sarah and Mike F., and we've been chatting here-and-there over the past few days. She told me to give her a call sometime, so I did. We talked until 10:30--four hours!--at which point I had to go. The conversation was full of laughter and confessions. The time flew by. She's a cute girl with a good heart.

Thursday. Wade's baby shower from 12-2:00 went well. Great turnout and great food. Lourdes' son LOVED Maebe. Clean-up took ten minutes. I went to the Mad River Starbucks and hammered out more notes from "The Challenge of Jesus." It's a pretty tough, albeit great, read. One of the baristas, a cute blond, flirted with me. I called Faith I., and we talked for three hours. Sarah came up to spend some time with me and to get her mind off things, and we got dinner at Five Guys Burgers and Fries and then went to Starbucks for drinks and talked about all the shit going down. We played Mario-Kart and sat on the front porch and talked. She and Faith I. used to be good friends. "You two would be good for each other," she said. No feelings resurrected after seeing Sarah. I am, by God's mercy, over her.

Friday. I worked 1:30-10:00 after a morning of reading. Me, Abby, Betsy, and Mandy M. A superstar crew. We rocked shit out. Faith I. went to the E.R. today: migraine. She called me around 1 AM, sounded high on morphine. We talked from 1 AM to about 10 AM. Nine hours. Holy shit.

Saturday. I got up around noon and ate lunch before working 3-11:00. When I got home, I gave Faith I. a call before bed. We talked for about twenty minutes. Certainly no nine hours, but it was good nonetheless: and I was able to pass out, super tired since I only slept two hours last night

.

skyline and sbux

It's 10:00 and soon I'll be going to bed. Work went by pretty quick today, and since I only got about an hour and a half of sleep last night (thanks to talking on the phone till 3:30 with a pretty great person), I took a nap when I got home. Dylan and I met up at Skyline for dinner--their Greek wrap is phenomenal--and then Tyler hooked up with us and we went to Starbucks (he took a picture of me there, below). My old friends Chris and Lee were there, and we shared a lot of laughs. I'm working an easy shift tomorrow--7:00 to 2:30--and then I work Wednesday and Thursday and then the highlight of the month is here: Jesse and Mandy are getting married! I'm pretty excited about it. It'll be good to spend time with the entire family, to throw back some beers and to gorge myself on good food (they're sparing no expense), and I won't feel too bad because I've already hit 145# which means I've lost 50 pounds since beginning in late October.

I don't really have anything planned for after work tomorrow. I'll probably do some reading and writing and work out, maybe watch a few television shows, and perhaps have some sushi for dinner? My trip to Wisconsin in the middle of August may be canceled--school loans are now due, and I'm fishing out what I had planned on saving for the trip. *sigh*

I'll (hopefully) be in the Cincinnati area on Wednesday, if things go to plan. And I certainly hope they do. More on that later, perhaps.

life: crazy but good

Apologies to my two readers for not writing lately; life has been crazy but good. The weekend has been spent knocking shifts out at the coffee shop. Friday night I talked to a very cool person from 1:00 AM to 10:00 AM, a whomping nine hours, and it was surprisingly good (most of the time I hate talking for more than fifteen minutes). This morning Patrick and I went to M.C.C. for church (the message was on integrity of speech, i.e. not lying/telling the truth), and then we grabbed Chinese at China Cottage (I got the usual General's but Patrick tried a little something different). I had to run to Mad River to pick up iced coffee and then worked till 8:30 with fun people. Tomorrow I am back in the saddle at 5:30 AM; the rest of the week (through Thursday) I am working mornings, which I prefer, and then Friday-Sunday I will be in Kentucky celebrating a family wedding. It will be a great time.

I'm three quarters through "The Challenge of Jesus." I have to read through it very slowly, because Wright's thought is so packed and complex that I must wrestle with what he says before understanding the point he is trying to get across. Amidst this I have been reading and re:reading 1 Peter: at this point, I am convinced it is a letter that takes an immediate present situation (the threat of persecution against Christians) and sets it within the eschatological framework of the Old Age vs. the New Age and the tension of living in "the last times" or "the end times" (referring not to a 7-year period after the rapture and Jesus' return for a 1000-year millennial reign, but to a general apocalyptic description of the time between the Cross and Consummation, when God will remake the heavens and the earth and deal with evil forever). In one of my college classes, we had to write out by hand the entire letter of Romans. It was tedious and I hated it (at first), but the benefits of insight and understanding in regards to the text are insurmountable. Thus I am writing 1 Peter, ever so slowly, and really hashing out his thought process. I may morph it into a Bible study of some sorts and try to get it published.

a quote

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

When it comes to modern Christianity and the issue of dealing with evil in the world, there are two polar opposites in perspective. The first, extremely popular within evangelical Christianity, is that the world is evil and there's nothing we can do about it, so let's just isolate ourselves and get off as best we can, waiting for Jesus to come back and deal with evil once and for all. The second extreme, popular within the more emergent circles of Christianity, is that the way to deal with evil in the world--modeled by Martin Luther King's own career and speaking, evident in his quote--is to "turn the other cheek, go the second mile," etc. It's what one could call evolutionary progressivism but reworked from a secular standpoint into a Christian one. It goes something like this: the church, as the body of Christ, emulates Christ's own sacrificial disposition, and thereby defeats and eliminates (ever so slowly) evil from the world.

Both perspectives are flawed. The first perspective is flawed because it doesn't take seriously the church's role to acknowledge, call out, and judge evil for what it is. The church, as the body of Christ, is to deal with evil to the best of its God-given ability. The second perspective is flawed because it assumes that the church is Christ, not that Christ is over and against the church ruling from heaven, and because Jesus is the one who will win the day, thus the church will win the day. Amongst people I know, the second perspective is clung to very dearly. It is a very hopeful perspective, but it doesn't take into account the nature of the evil of the world, and especially the evil within man. Martin Luther King, Jr. was gunned down--in that sense, evil won the day. As long as we live in this realm polluted and spoiled by sin and evil, no amount of compassion and sacrifice and love will win the ultimate victory.

Now, let me be clear: I am not saying that we are to pick up our swords and fight against evil, fighting violence with violence, evil with evil. Nor am I saying that we should become like the Essenes, holed up in seclusion, waiting for God to act. The church is an ecosystem of heaven within this ruined world, and the church is to promote justice, mercy, and love. It is not a battle that is doomed to be lost. When the church deals with evil, evil is dealt with. Such dealings with evil are not pseudo-victories (because they are victories), but rather sub-victories, in the sense that while dealing with evil in certain situations and places, whether on a private or communal or even global scale, evil as a whole, the evil that permeates the entire world and, while defeated and limping because of the cross, flourishes and will continue to flourish.

The ultimate victory against evil will not be won by the church, but this does not excuse the church from living out its God-given vocation: to be the light of the world and the salt of the earth, promoting God's justice and condemning sin and vindicating the righteous. The church is to do what Israel failed, continuously, to do: to bring God's blessings to the world. But the ultimate bringing of blessing, the ultimate flourishing of justice, will not be accomplished by the church. It will be accomplished by the appearing of Christ, when he weds heaven and earth together and finally and decisively deals with evil in a way the church never can. The lifestyle that Martin Luther King, Jr. promotes--a lifestyle of love and sacrifice and compassion--is the lifestyle of the community of heaven, and it is to be modeled, and within it are victories over evil; but let's not buy into that garbage that things will gradually get better and better until the church deals with evil finally. The ultimate dealing with evil will come through Christ alone; all of the church's victories of evil are signposts to that future day, they are symbolic actions speaking of that coming moment, and they are foretastes of what will happen when God makes all things new, fulfilling all his promises to the prophets. Until that day, evil will flourish--all around us and even within us; and that is the harsh reality

randomz

I've continued working on the essay I started back in February on what loving God is all about. I've expanded it a bit, and it will probably be around 120-150 pages. The original essay is being torn apart and reworked in several different chapters, which on the one hand is good (because I get to go into more detail) but on the other, it's sad, because I really like the way the essay was written and am quite proud of it (in a non-egotistical way). It's finally good to start writing again, even if it's not quite in my field of expertise (story-telling). In that field, I am wrestling with several different ideas, but I'll spare you (the reader) the boredom of going into it.

I worked 4-11:00 tonight, which was good. I love my co-workers. We always have a good time and laugh a lot while simultaneously getting the work done. It's an excellent atmosphere. I have a pretty fantastic job, and I am certain God has blessed me with it. I haven't heard anything back from F.C.C. (Franklin Christian Church), but I'll know more once I preach there on the eleventh next month. I'm juggling several topic ideas in my head. I don't want to do an exegetical sermon, because it's only one sermon and not a series. But I want to deal with a topic that is decently interesting and borderline heretical at times. I am considering preaching on the Judgment of God: both the eschatological and present judgment of God. Or I may preach on evil: the reality of evil, the nature of evil, the defeat and eventual destruction of evil. And then there are other ideas. *sigh* I'll probably figure it out the Saturday before I preach, ha.

I'm looking forward to getting sushi for lunch tomorrow. Like seriously looking forward to it. I'm going to the local supermarket on my break and I'm going to get something that is simultaneously healthy and delicious (sushi can skyrocket in calories and fat and sodium unless you're careful and knowledgeable). Breakfast will be two eggs and a piece of toast after my workout. We're supposed to get more storms tonight. I do hope that ends up being the case.

to liberty and back

This evening I took a road trip an hour west into a small town called Liberty, Indiana to visit my good friend Jess Lynn. Her mom fixed a delicious dinner, and we played X-Box and threw the frisbee with her dogs, and we went and got ice cream and visited her friend Toby and then went to a state park and stood on a dock in the twilight. The water so still and serene, a sheet of dark glass spread between the shores laden with stones and overhanging pines. We went to a playground in the dark and took turns pushing each other on the swing and she nearly got sick. It was good to see her.

Tomorrow I am grabbing lunch with a man I met at the Franklin Christian Church last Wednesday. I'm thinking someplace where I can get a good set of eggs and toast with orange juice to wash it all down. He called me asking if we could talk, and he told me about some rough patches he's going through. The man needs a friend, and I'll be that for him, I guess. I've had lots of people take time out of their days to sit down with me and listen to my heart-felt laments, the least I can do is "pay it forward" (ugh, I hate that term). I work 5-11:00 tomorrow night and then 10-6:00 on Wednesday. Wednesday night I'm giving my friend Faith a call, and Thursday we are having Wade's baby shower at the house (I already mentioned that), and Thursday evening Sarah is coming up to visit. Some shit went down in her life so we're just going to grab some food and get some coffee and hash it out. It will be good to see her; my heart breaks for her and the situation she's found herself in. After Thursday, I am working seven days straight, and then I'm heading down to Kentucky for my cousin Jesse's wedding. I'm partaking in the wedding in some manner, I guess I'll figure out exactly what when I get down there. I've broken out the suit and it looks good, albeit it a little big since I've lost weight (at 147 pounds now).

I need to get more serious about my weight loss. I have been actually looking bigger thanks to focusing solely on building my muscles. I've been gaining muscle mass but haven't been losing any significant body fat. I'm going to start running each day. Dylan and Tyler run 3-4 miles a day. I know I can't do that (I've tried), but I know over time I can bring myself to that point.

I've changed the look of the blog. Blogger has a new customizable design feature that is simply wonderful. There were so many great designs to choose from, and I chose this one because it speaks of the current theme to the past month: rain. Nearly every day it's rained. And not just drizzles or occasional showers. We're talking torrential downpours and horrendous (albeit beautiful) thunderstorms with dazzling lightning and hail and gale-force winds. We're supposed to get another round coming in tonight. My window is open in preparation.

the dayton days XX

Monday. I ran errands this morning: bank run, CVS, gas station. The attendant is a regular at Starbucks: iced venti, extra sweet caramel macchiato. I went to work to look at my schedule--training tomorrow in Oakwood--and got a drink and sat on the patio and read for a while. Carly brought me a cookie. I went to Kroger for some pens and spent the rest of the morning cooped up inside. Dylan & Tyler came over, and we grilled burgers out back (it's so effing muggy!) and then went to Borders at the Mall. They went home, and I spent the evening reading. Another severe thunderstorm rattled through. I sat on the porch and talked with Jess Lynn for a good while. She had another bad day, despite Italy being awesome, and was crying. We talked again about "fleeing" to Ketchikan, Alaska and getting a pug and a boxer. Innocent laughs, we both have no intentions on even pursuing it. Oh: Ams called the house, freaking out, a tornado in Cincinnati.

Tuesday. I spent the morning reading at Spring Valley and bought a book at Borders: "Addiction and Grace." Dylan said it's really good. Mom & I grabbed Milano's for lunch, and we talked about Touchdown Jesus burning down. I did some more reading before my Starbucks Experience class from 5-9:00 at Oakwood. Everything's fancy in Oakwood. After the meeting I sat down at the bar and did some reading. While there, I met a girl named Amanda who looked and sounded exactly like Courtney. I immediately didn't like her, ha. Tyler came over later in the evening, and we got dinner at Wendy's and another storm hit and Mom thought it was a tornado. Tyler went on a date tonight and shot down her hopes of a second. "Fat girls are fun to fuck but not to date." Goodness.

Wednesday. I had a quiet morning of reading and eggs and toast for breakfast before working 1-6:00. After work I high-tailed it to F.C.C. in Franklin to meet with their ministry team for the part-time position I applied for on June 3rd. The elders asked a series of questions, and I answered them. I gave an impromptu sermon on Romans 8. They liked it. I'm going to preach there next week. I went to one of the elders' houses, close to home, and he gave me the skinny on the dying church, some internal politics. I got home by 9:15 and Dylan & Tyler came over for a bit: Wii & a trip to Speedway for cigs.

Thursday. I worked 7-3:30 with Forrest, Jessica, Wade, J.J. and Mandy M. On break I read more N.T. Wright. I worked out when I got home and had grilled chicken sandwiches for dinner. Dylan came over, and we swam in the pool and enjoyed Front Porch Times. He left and I spent the rest of the evening chatting with Jess Lynn. "I had a dream that we were in Alaska and there were dinosaurs in our backyard!" she exclaimed.

Friday. I worked 5:30-1:00 with Wade, Forrest, and Tony B. I cashed my check, ran by Family Christian for a devotional, a book by N.T. Wright, and a book by Henri Nouwen. Ams is in town and Tyler joined us for a fattening dinner at Chic-fil-a followed by Mario-Kart.

Saturday. I worked 6:30-3:00 with Wade, J.J., Jessica, and Forrest. A good crew. Saturdays are when we generally get our frappuccino rushes. Ams and I sat on the front porch when I got home. She asked how things were going with Sarah. "What things? I'm over her. Genuinely over her. I hardly ever think about her, and I definitely don't consider her my best friend. And it doesn't hurt like it used to; actually, it doesn't hurt at all." And I didn't lie. I don't think about her anymore. It's like a flip's been switched. God has answered my prayer. (Insert Smiley-Face Emoticon here) Anyhow: Dylan & Tyler came over, and we went to D.L.M. for sushi and salad and then grabbed coffee before parting ways.

Father's Day. Mom, Dad, Ams & I celebrated Father's Day by grilling hamburgers for lunch. Dewenter came over, reported his North Carolina trip went well. We all hung out on the front porch for a while. Rob & Mandy came through on their way home from celebrating Father's Day with Rob's dad in Dayton, and we grabbed dinner at China Cottage. "It's seriously the best Chinese food I've ever had!" Mandy shouted. She shouts a lot. Ams returned to Cincinnati and so did the Hoos couple. 

next two weeks

I actually have a two-day weekend, which is incredible (today and Monday). I'm going to church this morning at Southwest. It will be good to see some old friends. To celebrate Father's Day, we are grilling out hamburgers and hot dogs, and I may even take a swim in the pool. Tomorrow I am getting China Cottage with my good friend Hank, and perhaps his wife Ashlie if she isn't working, and then I may be going over to Indiana to visit my friend Jess for a couple hours. Then for the next two weeks I work straight through without a break (minus Thursday, when we are having a baby shower for Wade from work here at the house) and then on the 2-4th of July, my cousin Jesse is getting married down in Kentucky. I'm reading something at the wedding, so I've got those three days off work. It should be pretty great.

As far as weight loss is concerned, I am stuck between 145-147# no matter what I do. Yet at the same time, I continue to look skinnier as my muscles build and get tone. I have honestly just been concentrating on the muscles lately, not the running. It's not that I don't want to run (I do), but it's been one thing after another preventing me from doing so (first a bout of sickness, then another bout of unrelated sickness, and then another round of sickness, and then a nasty sunburn that has fried my legs and now my skin looks like an alligator hide). I plan on picking it back up within the next week or so.

I am halfway through "The Challenge of Jesus" and am excited about launching into Wright's "Paul In Fresh Perspective" afterward. Before church this morning, I'm going to go to Starbucks and read the next chapter, taking notes as I go along (per usual). I bought Wright's "Evil and the Justice of God" which I'll be reading after his work on Paul, and then I am launching into "After You Believe." From what I have read of it so far, Wright takes a more philosophical perspective to the issue than Willard does, Willard being far more practical (with his great books such as "Renovation of the Heart" and "The Spirit of the Disciplines"; very akin to Foster's "Celebration of Discipline" but far more theoretical). Reading, reading, reading... Summer is a great time for that. And writing? Still trying to figure out what I want to do there.

my boring life, part 2

My summer has thus far consisted of working, reading, and hanging out with friends. I am itching to write and have several ideas but am finding it difficult to really flesh them out. My interview with the church in Franklin went pretty well. I preach there on July 11th and then who knows from there. It's like a try-out. I'm going to try and preach on something that's uncommon but yet not really far out there. Work has been going good, and so far the only thing I have to look forward to is a trip to Wisconsin at the end of August. Between then and now, I am probably going to go swimming and kayaking a few more times (wearing sunscreen, of course). The burns don't hurt anymore, they just itch, and that's bearable. My Friday night was spent at Chic-Fil-A and hanging out around the house with Tyler and Ams (she's in town for the weekend), and tomorrow morning I work a morning shift and then I'm off till Monday, and looking forward to it. Sunday my sister is joining me and Dewenter at M.C.C. and then (hopefully) we're going to China Cottage afterwards. My fingers are crossed. Now I'm going to go to bed. Here's a picture of me grilling pork chops yesterday evening (and sporting my favorite silk pajama pants, of course!):

my boring life

The sunburns don't hurt anymore. Now they just itch. Uncontrollably. I tossed and turned all night long because every time I got close to falling asleep, the burns would start to itch again, and I'd have to wake myself up to scratch them. Life has been pretty unexciting lately, as I told my friend Jess. We've had lots of humongous storms coming through the past couple nights; my mom was convinced there was a tornado down the street last night, but she was just misinterpreting the sound of the wind (I was close to a tornado in Minnesota; if there is one, you'll know). I work this afternoon and then have a meeting with a church in Franklin for a part-time preaching position. From what I can deduce, the ministry-search-team is divided on me. Half of them are impressed with my resume and sermon examples, and the other half doesn't like the fact that I'm only 23 years old. When they see that I actually look like I'm 15, I'm sure their concerns will be cemented. I know my young looks have an affect on my job applications; who wants a preacher who looks like a little kid? But I know that much of the controversy is just in peoples' heads. I've done adult ministries in various locales and manners for four years now, and it's never really been an issue. It may just be an imaginary issue.

Later this week my friend Mandy may come up and we may go hiking. I have Sunday off work, which will be nice, meaning I'll be able to finally grab China Cottage with my friend Patrick and maybe some other people from church. I've been having psychological withdrawal. I even dreamt about their General Tsau's chicken the other night. I'm a freak. Other than those things, I really don't have much planned. Just working and studying, looking forward to my August trip to Wisconsin, a sort of sabbatical and retreat.

I've got coffee brewing, so I have to go. Ok, bye.

R.I.P. Touchdown Jesus

One of the biggest stories online today is the fact that "Touchdown Jesus", a 62-foot-tall statue in Monroe (just a handful of miles south of here) was struck by lightning late last night and burnt down. The day before yesterday, the church announced they would be giving touchdown Jesus a face-lift thanks to the wear and tear from the past harsh winter; I'm thinking the face-lift will cost more than anyone expected.

As we Christians tend to do with things, many have sought to find a spiritual explanation for this event. Some declare that it was an act of Satan, that he burnt down the statue because of any positive influence it was having on passerbys on the highway the statue faced. To the church's credit, Solid Rock Church, the statue itself did draw many people onto the church's campus; at the same time, the many negative affects it has had--that is, making Christians look foolish and thus bringing about mockery not of Jesus but of those who are his followers--may very well exceed any positive affects. People have written about that elsewhere, so that's all I'll say. Other Christians are saying that it was an act of God, that God was judging Solid Rock Church for their ridiculous spending of $200,000 on such an eyesore. In this line of thinking, God was just so embarrassed by it and Jesus had enough of it that God decided to take it out with a very well-placed lightning bolt. Those who take this position constantly point to the fact that the statue cost $200,000 (quite a lot of money), and that the church should've been using that money elsewhere. Never mind that the church itself actually does a lot of ministry-oriented stuff; not just sensational worship services, but they have built orphanages and done tons of charity work in foreign countries and they take care of their own members like the early church did. One can get all up in a bundle about their somewhat questionable practices and beliefs in some areas (this made headlines quite a while ago), but in the end, the church is doing far more than most churches--and, for that matter, most skeptical and stoic Christians, including myself--ever do.

So then, what's my viewpoint? It goes something like this: there was a six-story, 62-foot tall fiberglass/styrafoam statue erected in a generally treeless area during one of the worst storms of the year. Twenty miles north, where the storm was not as bad, I sat on the front porch and watched lightning dancing all over the place. A tornado warning was issued for Cincinnati (I know, because my sister called me wailing because she lives there). My point is that this storm produced a considerable amount of lightning, and we know that lightning generally strikes the tallest points in its vicinity, and the Jesus statue was quite tall (taller than nearly anything else around it) and made of highly-flammable materials. In my view, the statue burnt down not as an act of Satan (if you can call it that) or a judgment of God (if you want to be like a revised Pat Robertson from the liberal end of the spectrum), but rather due to human stupidity. DON'T BUILD A 62-FOOT TALL STATUE OUT OF FLAMMABLE MATERIALS. It's really that simple, folks.

And for all the Christians who are saying this was an act of Satan: I think Satan probably has better things to do with his time than send lightning bolts into tacky statues (you know, like infecting the hearts of men and prospering genuine evil throughout the world). And for all the Christians who are saying this is an act of God: I remember when Hurricane Katrina struck, one preacher declared that it was an act of God against the pagans of New Orleans. Within the next week, a big storm tore down his mega-church. My only point being: be careful about deciding what is and is not an act of God. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Who knows. But I'll bet it has more to do with the way lightning, tall structures, and flammable materials don't mix very well.

the dayton days XIX

a morning ritual

Monday. I worked 2-11:00 covering for Denise. On break I sat on the patio and read N.T. Wright and smoked some cigarettes. I was tested on LEAN, or the speed of drink-making, and shocked everyone with 24 seconds per drink (the average, and goal, is around 33 seconds). Oh: and I heard back from F.C.C. (Franklin Christian Church): the elders looked over my packet (my resume and three sermons) and were impressed. 

Tuesday. I grabbed iced coffee from Spring Valley before jetting down to Cincinnati. I met up with Monica at C.C>U. and we went to Refuge to celebrate the 4-year (?) anniversary of my rejection by her hands in Spring 2006. We grabbed coffee and then got lunch at Aroma's while visiting Jessie, and then we went to Newport and got ice cream and walked around the Purple People Bridge. When I got home I swung by work and got a drink and sat on the patio reading N.T. Wright for a bit, and then Dylan came over and we hit up D.L.M. for dinner. Mandy K. is in Wisconsin now: we're going to continue our email correspondence, though we won't be able to talk one-on-one over the phone anymore.

Wednesday. Ams is in town for the night. Once I got off work, we went to Starbucks for a bit, and then Dylan came over and we played Mario-Kart and sat on the front porch smoking and laughing late into the night.

Thursday. Dad took a 1/2 day, got home around noon, and we went kayaking at some place up north. The skies were clear and the sun was warm. We kayaked for two hours, and my arms were SCORCHED. They look like twin lobster tails. I went to work and got some espresso, had sushi for dinner. I spent the rest of the evening just lounging around: Dylan & Tyler are in Atlantic until Sunday. I was feeling a bit sick so I went to bed early.

Friday. Though slated to work 6-2:30, I called off: my legs hurt so bad from the sunburn that I couldn't walk, and I was nauseous and dizzy. "Sun poisoning." So I slept ten hour and then spent the afternoon watching movies: The Road, Shutter Island, Edge of Darkness. I talked with Mandy K. for a bit. Things are rough in Wisconsin. I went to Starbucks to work on some stuff for Faith and had a good chat with one of the regulars--Gus, I think?--on Jesus. 

Saturday. I slept eleven hours last night, and didn't even puke once all day! But my limbs still hurt. I went to the Centerville Starbucks to work on my notes for N.T. Wright's "Simply Christian." I worked 3-11:00 with Abby, Denise, and Aubree. 

Sunday. Last night Dad asked, "How have you been feeling mentally?" "Not bad," I told him. And that's not a lie. NOT BAD means there is depression. Come on, I am bipolar, after all. But it's not a strangling depression. I always get depressed in the summer. And in the fall. And in the winter. And in the spring. I'm okay with it. I can handle it, deal with it, without being self-destructive at worst and non-functioning at best. I haven't even WANTED to cut since late January, that whole Billy episode; I actually forgot his name for a moment! Dewenter and I went to M.C.C., and Hank was on drums and Ashlie sat with us. We went back to my place and grilled chicken on the grill out back. Dewenter graduated college Friday and has a job interview at a brewery in North Carolina. I worked 2-10:30 with Abby and Aubree. Three girls flirted with me, but I'm sure they were minors. A big storm rolled through by the time I got home. I sat on the front porch--Mom got some hanging flowers, which I'm all about--and watched the constant lightning and rain. So beautiful! I moved my old desk, the one I had in 2003, into my room. An antique! Ha. I'm going to get an oil lamp for it. "Just like the good ol' days."

journal entry - 6.7.10

While I would like to think--perhaps due to my pride--that there are redeeming qualities within me, I am still, as the old song goes, "a wretch." Or, rather, I still, at times, ACT like a wretch--for in Messiah, I am a new creation. But I do not consistently live like one. I am an agent of the kingdom, to be sure; but there are still times when I connive with the ways of this old world. I carry pride like a disease and harbor filth in my heart. It is heart-breaking to sit down and re:examine your life and the motivations and subtle and evil desires within. I do not like what I find in such moments of intense and honest introspection. It weighs heavy upon me, a crushing weight. But I do thank God: his Spirit is within me, changing me, transforming me. I am thankful for the great developments of my character, for the way the Spirit has molded me up to this point, returning me to a state where I reflect the image of my creator and serve him as his image-bearing creature. But in no way am I a finished project; honestly, the project has just begun. And this re:vamping and re:working of my heart is painful--I am forced to look inwards, to see myself for who I really am. And it's hard, too, because I am torn between this old world and the world that is breaking in and which will, one day, be complete. Living between these poles creates a great struggle within my heart-of-stone becoming a heart-of-flesh. It is wearying, tiring, exhausting; it is agonizing and even excruciating at times. But it is GOOD. And the Spirit will have his way with me, and though at times it feels as if I am being ravaged, I am really being tilled: the Spirit is preparing me for a great harvest, a harvest of joy and peace and celebration; and even amidst the pain, flowers are beginning to emerge from the ashes.

"simply christian"

I've finished (for the second time) "Simply Christian" by N.T. Wright. It was definitely a much quicker read than "Surprised By Hope." While "Surprised By Hope" focused, primarily, on Christian eschatology in light of the resurrection of Christ, "Simply Christian" is more or less an introduction to Christianity from Wright's perspective. He employs several arguments for God's existence and then stretches these through the entirety of the book. After giving the arguments, he then dives into the nature of the Judeo-Christian God, the story of Israel, and its climax in Christ (which takes several chapters). He doesn't go into much detail, since this is introductory material, but the material he does give is very good. He then moves on to talking about the Spirit of God and its role in the church and in the lives of Christians, individually and corporately. He spends some time talking about the mission of Christians, the mission of the church, and then looks at some of the basic elements of the Christian life, e.g. worship, scripture, and prayer. Overall it's a pretty fantastic book, a pretty easy read for those familiar with Wright's thought. Next I'm plunging into "The Challenge of Jesus," which is much more intricate and detailed (basically Wright does in the entire book what he does in two chapters from "Simply Christian"). This means that it will take me quite a while to get through "The Challenge of Jesus," but I'm looking forward to it. It's always good to read Wright next to the fireplace with a double-shot of bourbon.

quiet times and diarrhea

Dylan and I sat on the front porch earlier this week, as we always do, smoking cigarettes and watching the rain cascade through the trees. The subject of "Quiet Times" came up. Now, to be entirely honest, I hate the lingo itself. It smacks of Christianese. By Quiet Time (I even hate capitalizing it), I am referring to times where a person gets down on his knees before his God and prays and meditates upon Him. I haven't been very faithful to such quiet times, and I don't think that's a sin--I'm no legalist, and if someone doesn't have a quiet time every morning, that's no skin off their back. Lately, however, God has been convicting me of my need to take some time alone to just spend in prayer and contemplation, to meditate and ponder His word, to ask for His guidance and seek His counsel, to lay my supplications at His feet. It's a great honor, as Hebrews puts it, to go into the sanctuary of the Living God and to kneel before Him, without judgment or restraint, to have unbridled access to the throne room of Zion. Prayer is a place where Heaven and Earth meet, and in that sense it's a sacrament. And yet I tend to regulate my prayers to driving to work in the car or to a 10-minute hiatus before I pass out in my bed at night. I don't think God is angry with me, perhaps just... disappointed. Not disappointed in the sense that I have done something wrong and thus He is disappointed with me, but disappointed in the sense that He desires this time with me, for my benefit, and I am not utilizing it.

I remember when I was in High School I would pray and meditate for thirty minutes three times a day: before school, after school, and before bed. Those were the moments of the greatest peace and joy in my life thus far. God spoke to me, comforted me, cherished me. He held me and convicted me and scolded me and prompted me to go in the directions He desired for me. At the time I thought to myself, "How could I have ever lived without this?" But of course I got caught up in the activities and fun of college and waned in my personal time with God. And then I went through a spiritual holocaust, and those times became non-existent. I've been rebuilding my life for quite some time now, spiritually and emotionally and physically and mentally, and yet this is something I haven't quite latched onto.

A lot of people say "quiet times" are not biblical. One person said, "Paul says to pray unceasingly throughout the day. This doesn't mean that we're supposed to corner ourselves off from the world and just spend time with God. That's an isolationist tactic. We should pray as we're involved with the world, getting our hands and feet dirty for the kingdom." I agree with the last statement, but quiet times being an isolationist tactic? Come on! Paul himself, a good Pharisee, would've been brought up spending four to eight hours a day in private prayer! Are we to believe that he tossed this out the window when he became a follower of Christ, that he perceived it as some sort of legalism or isolationist tactic and thus unfit for the new reality of things? Hell no! He was a man of prayer, as we see in his writings, praying constantly in all sorts of ways. Jesus himself assumed that his followers would take time for themselves to get alone with God and to pray. It's not an isolationist tactic. It's something that is very beneficial and I would even bet that Paul would say it's essential--not necessary, in the sense that without it, you're not part of the kingdom; but essential, in the sense that if you are going to be a good agent of the kingdom, you must be in prayer constantly--and that includes 'quiet times.'

Like I said, I'm not legalistic about it. But I won't deny there are benefits, and as an agent of the kingdom, it is my responsibility to take time and pray and meditate on God's word.

And the last part of the post title? Let's just say that one of my life's most humbling experiences took place yesterday morning. While the nausea and fever and dizziness and shaking is gone, my limbs still hurt, and the burns (Mom says they're probably 2nd-degree, but I wouldn't know) are fading and beginning to blister. The sun poisoning reached its climax yesterday morning, when I was sitting bare-butt on the toilet with massive diarrhea and hunched over a trashcan in front of my puking with each abdominal squeeze. Pretty picture? No. But it was quite humbling.

sun poisoning

Definitely regretting not wearing sunscreen on yesterday's kayaking adventure. Nausea, vomiting, fever, the chills, dizziness, and not to mention the burning/stinging of the sunburns on all my limbs has made this the most awful day thus far this month. I was scheduled for 6-2:30 at work but called off (I felt really bad about it, then someone told me that since I work with food, I'm not legally allowed to work if I'm spewing). So I've spent the day so far running between the sofa and the toilet. The sofa, where I've been watching movies rented off the cable, and the toilet, where I go to take care of the sickness' worst moments. I close tomorrow night and then Sunday night, and I'm hoping all this will be behind me by then. I'm sure it will be, but it's miserable at the moment.

lobster arms

Dad and I went kayaking at this place just north of us. The clear sky let loose torrents of sun and needless to say, despite the great amount of fun we had, we're both pretty burnt. This happens at least once every summer: I get scorched, nearly to the bone, and suffer indescribable pain for two to three days, and then after that it's clear sailing. I purposefully didn't take sunscreen (I want to get this hell over with). Yay for being so fair-skinned. I look like a lobster. "Lobster Arms" is what I keep thinking when I look at my upper limbs. Anyways, kayaking was pretty great. I don't consider myself an outdoors-man, though some do; I don't go to Red River Gorge every weekend like some people I know, and I don't go kayaking more than twice a month. But I do love the outdoors, during any season, and there's nothing better than hiking through uncharted territory (despite the spiders one always encounters). As to wildlife, on this trip we saw all sorts of turtles--snappers and soft-shells--and even a giant snake coiled around a half-submerged log. Beautiful creatures.

Now to go spread some aloe vera on my tender parts.

the situation

Regarding the situation which began in October and reached its unfortunate peak at the end of January and then seemed to spiral out-of-control all the way through April, things have taken quite a different turn. I speak vaguely of this; there's no reason to be specific, for almost all my readers are good friends who know exactly what I am writing about. There's an old proverb in the Bible that says, "As the dog returns to its vomit, so the fool returns again and again to his folly." There is truth in that--the fool may not like what he is doing, the fool may know that he is being foolish, and the fool may complain about his state... But he's still a fool. And proverbs says somewhere (not sure where) that it is foolish to try and persuade a foolish person to stop being foolish (nice play on words there). Unfortunately, proverbs is true, and I've come to realize that. In the end, nothing I say or do will keep the person from plunging back into the old habits. No matter how many times I sensitively and (at times) insensitively prod the person to repentance, that person has shown again and again that they just don't want to repent. I'm just wasting my time focusing so much energy on the person and the situation. I let it consume me (it's easy for that to happen when you care for someone so deeply), and then an old friend and wise mentor told me, "Don't let it destroy you. You must protect your heart." And his words struck deep within me. A man who preached sacrifice, bearing one another's burdens, being a shining light of compassion and care in the world, acknowledged that sometimes you just have to stand back. He backed it up with scripture very well.

I have pondered his words and prayed about the situation and talked to so many people about it, and all of their advice was ignored until a couple weeks ago. And I'm sure what's happened is both an answer to prayer as well as a natural occurrence within the rhythm of things. But I simply don't care like I used to. I do care, obviously. But I know, finally, that it's not my responsibility. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. And if the horse repeatedly refuses to drink--despite giving you all the signs that it wants to drink--then you're just wasting your time taking it to the watering hole. Better to just let the horse go and do its own thing and go on your way. And part of me felt selfish for this, and still feels selfish (guilt complex!), but I know it's the right thing to do, and God is blessing me within it. Instead of focusing on that person's life and my great concern for that person, I have just been focusing on myself (in a good way) and focusing on God's kingdom. And it's quite refreshing.

randoms

Life has been pretty hectic lately between work and play. I've been working full-time plus hanging out with people constantly. On Saturday I went to a great party down in Cincinnati with all kinds of crazy and fabulous people. Lots of great expensive beer, hard cider, vodka and bourbon. I don't get drunk, but I don't avoid the stuff like the black plague, either. Throughout the night I took probably five or six shots, didn't feel a thing. There were others puking and passing out all over the place, though. I enjoyed great conversation with friends and strangers on the back porch, and we even had our own "dance party" in the empty dining room, dancing to great hits by Keisha and Ashanti and Black Eyed Peas. Sunday morning Jessie and I went to the flea market off I-75, and I got a sweet pair of sandals and two coffee cups. I just got back from Cincinnati, visiting my old friend Monica Palmer. We celebrated the (roughly) anniversary of her rejection of my romantic interests by grabbing coffee at Refuge, getting lunch at Aroma's while visiting Jessie, and then walking around Newport taking pictures. Here is a picture she got of me standing before the city. Yeah, the shades are pretty fantastic (25 cents at Wal-Mart, a gift from the wonderful Jessie Myers):

I'm really enjoying work. Even when I don't want to go in, I end up having fun. The people there are great to work with, and I always have a blast laughing and joking around while getting work done. I'm a great multi-tasker when it comes to blending work with play. I thought about how it's funny that within my circle of friends, half of us work in coffee: Rob and Nate at Refuge, Jessie at Aroma's, me at Starbucks; and many of our friends--Mandy, Amos, etc.--have spent time working at coffee houses. We all just love coffee. My room is decked out in coffee decor (a few hanging coffee bags, some framed pictures of latte art, some miscellaneous coffee signs, pounds of coffee serving as book-ends). Coffee is definitely a big part of my life, though I will never be as skilled as Rob (check out this dragon he made):


As I said in an earlier post, I am done reading "Surprised By Hope" by N.T. Wright. I have moved on to "Simply Christian," and reading it is refreshing as always. I love what he writes about the Spirit of God being an engagement ring, a promise of a wedding future (but take it easy, let's not get this idea that God is supposed to take the place of our boyfriends or girlfriends; that idea is ludicrous). His writings on Jesus are great, and he does a great job of setting Jesus within the framework of second-temple Palestinian Judaism, a far better job than (I believe) Sanders did in his 1977 publication. I am still wrestling with Wright's analysis of Jesus' understanding of himself. He doesn't deny the Christian belief that Jesus is fully God and fully human, but he shows how within evangelical Christianity, the tendency has been to slide towards Jesus being more divine than human, and we almost have a sort of docetism brewing, albeit subtly, in the minds and thoughts of contemporary Christians. His analysis of Jesus' understanding within the framework of being fully human and fully divine is quite challenging but refreshing.

the dayton days XVIII

Memorial Day. Today we had a cookout in New Carlisle with Dad's side of the family. I got there two hours late because I had my Midpoint Review with Faith at Spring Valley. I got all Great reviews and two Excellents. She says I'm very personable and everyone likes working with me. Up in New Carlisle, we ate lunch and played volleyball and I went kayaking in Aunt Julie's pond. Ams & I got back around 6:00, and she went down to Cincinnati. Tyler came over for a little while, and we did the usual. Lots of rain came through. Hammering, thunderous rains. I gave Mandy K. a call and went to bed.

Tuesday. Talking to Mandy K. was good last night. In August I hope to go visit her in Wisconsin. I worked 6:30-1:00, went to the gym, did some reading (N.T. Wright) and had chickens and mushrooms for dinner. Dylan & Tyler came over, and we went to D.L.M. and then to Starbucks. Mom came by with her crew of high school girls from her Tuesday night small group. We went back to the house and played Mario-Kart. Ams called complaining about Sarah: "Now she can't pay first month's rent." She spends all her money on beer at the weekend bars and pizza for dinner throughout the week, then begs Ams to front her cash. "She's already borrowed so much money and hasn't paid me back."

Wednesday. I went to Caesar's Creek for a bit this morning, read 1 Peter and prayed. I had sushi for lunch and worked 12-8:30 (and this time the power didn't go out!). a massive storm came through, the biggest yet this year. Lightning dancing all around, drenching rains, thunder shaking the store. "It's amazing that something can be so beautiful and yet so destructive at the same time," Carly mused, too which I replied, "Kinda like premarital sex." This I know too well.

Thursday. I worked 7-12:00 with J.J., Jessica, and Asenath. I had a granola bar and espresso for lunch and then too a nap. I went to Borders by the Mall and got N.T. Wright's newest book. Dylan & Tyler came over for a good dinner--potatoes, chicken, and mushrooms--and then we played Mario-Kart (a staple!) and sat on the front porch smoking and talking (staple number two!). We went to D.L.M. and then to Franklin, where I dropped off my resume for a church looking for a part-time preacher. I'm not anxious about it. "I've told God that I want the task, and I know if it is His will, it will happen. But right now I'm at a place where I'm beginning to get back on track, beginning to think about things, and if it's more profitable for me, now, to remain as a non-leader in a church, and if God in his wisdom doesn't make this happen, then I'll be content with it."

Friday. I woke late and went to North Park and spent some time in prayer and meditation. I worked 1-9:30 with Abby, Lourdes, Betsy, and Aubree. Carly and I hung out after work. She's super cool, and envious of my study habits. Forrest came in and worked, which is always good. On the 24th we're having Wade's "work" baby shower at my place.

Saturday. I worked 6:30-3:00 with Wade, Jessica, Asenath, Denise, and Faith. On break I had a wrap and read more N.T. Wright. I headed down to Cincinnati after work, a huge storm following me the entire way. When I arrived at the Claypole House for the first ever House Party, we started drinking. It was a good night with good folk: Rob & Mandy, Amos, Tony & Jessie, Blake, Ams, Sarah, the whole crew. More people started showing up: Brandy, Dominic, the Sulzeners. Two cute girls came, too--Anna and Claire--and I talked with them for a while. Blake, Mandy, Ams, Sarah, Amos, Blake & I danced to club music. I went to bed around 4 AM, crashing on Tony's sofa in what's called "the walk-through room" (you have to go through it to get upstairs, where Blake and Rob & Mandy live). Noteworthy: one guy came to the party, some dude named Jeff, who's a real-life pimp prostituting out women. He says it's his destiny, and he says women will be used for sex anyways, so why not profit off it? He pointed out that his 'employees' had been physically hurt by men in the past, and he honors their vulnerability by protecting them. NO: he takes their brokenness and exploits it. There are some people in this world who deserve a swift judgment. "I fucking hate him," Rob growled. I agreed.

D-DAY Anniversary. I woke up around 9 AM and went to the Starbucks in Mariemont for coffee and then cruised around northern Kentucky for a while. Jessie & I went to the big flea market on 75. Trader's World? I got two coffee cups and a pair of sandals. Dewenter came over when I got back into Dayton, and we sat on the front porch and talked. Exhausted and feeling sick (abrupt weather change?), I went to bed pretty early.

monthly weigh-in #6 (+ a quote)

Weigh-in for the month of June comes in at 147 pounds. Only two pounds lost. I'm not surprised. This month has been crazy with all kinds of pre-summer parties, weddings, family get-togethers, etc. I haven't eaten very well, and I've had a few bouts of sickness where I was unable to really work out. At 147 pounds, I'm five away from my original goal of 142#. I am hoping to be around 135-140 by August first. I know I can do this if I stick to a certain plan I've come up. Only 1300 calories a day, plus working out every day except for Sunday, and I should lose 2-3 pounds a week. I'm going to experiment with it this week, see what happens. My schedule looks like this:

Monday: chest, shoulders, back
Tuesday: arms and legs
Wednesday: abdomen
Thursday-Saturday: repeat
Sunday: off

And my diet? The original that I employed for a few weeks and lost a lot of weight with: fruits, vegetables, lean meats, eggs, whole grains, and lots and lots of water. Breakfast this morning (after working out) will be two eggs and two pieces of toast, lunch will be a peanut-butter sandwich, and for dinner at work (working 2-11:00) I'll be chowing down on a spinach wrap (I hope!). I'll check back in on June 13th to monitor any weight-loss since the beginning (today).

Here is a great quote from N.T. Wright on the last page of "Surprised By Hope":

God in his gentle love longs to set us free from the prison we have stumbled into--the loveless prison where we refuse both the offer and the demand of forgiveness. We are like a frightened bird before him, shrinking away lest this demand crush us completely. But when we eventually yield--when he corners us and finally takes us in his hand--we find to our astonishment that he is infinitely gentle and that his only aim is to release us from our prison, to set us free to be the people he made us to be. (pp 289)

re:mix (II) - surprised by hope

One of my good friends tweeted a verse from the Bible about hope. The verse is about how Christians find joy in hope. I was reminded of that verse in Hebrews, that we Christians have a very certain hope. This hope is certain in two ways. It is certain in that, unlike most hopes, it will actually come to pass. It is also certain in the sense that it is very precise, very specific. The Christian hope is very specific--it is a hope attested to in scripture, a hope founded upon the ultimate mission of God. The problem with proof-texting is that we often wrench verses out-of-context and apply them to our lives. We do the same thing with those scriptures regarding hope. It is our tendency as Christian--for a variety of reasons--to place our hopes in this life. One reason we do this is because we don't have a very accurate grasp of what "heaven" will be like, what "heaven" itself entails--and we imagine that heaven will be boring, though few of us will admit this for fear of being judged as unspiritual, and so we want this life to last as long as possible and we want to make the best of it. Another reason is that we've been conditioned by the health-and-wealth gospel to believe that God's ultimate goal in our lives is to give us our dreams on a silver platter. This simply isn't the case; if you want to believe that God will bring all your dreams to fulfillment, go ahead and believe that; but eventually you'll either have to stick your head in the sand like the ostrich and blind yourself to the reality of the world around you, or you'll have to stand tall and face it for what it is. Another reason we put our hopes in this life is because it is our human nature; it is an element of self-glorification and self-worship. So we "hope in God" that He will give us all that we've ever wanted--whether that be fame and fortune, a successful career, or something as seemingly simple as a spouse and kids and a house with a white-picket fence. Ultimately, the placing of hope in this life is flawed because, as Christians, this world in its current state is not our home and any effort to make it our home will thus be flawed because of its nature; placing hope in this life--and subsequently hoping that God will bring it to pass--is more a sign of self-devotion than devotion to God.

The question then begins, "What are we to hope for?" We're not to hope that all of our dreams will become a reality in this existence. We are not to hope that one day God will give us all that we've truly wanted and all that we've really desired. Such a hope doesn't create an alternate reality but creates a temporary illusion, more akin to a dreamlike state or the musings of a drunk. We are to hope in God's ultimate future--that one day, He will remake the cosmos and remake our bodies and everything will be right again. And with this hope--this certain hope--we wait. Not a passive waiting but an active waiting. A waiting that has at its core going forth into the ruined world and spreading the kingdom through the proclamation of Jesus' lordship and resurrection, proclaiming the kingdom through signs and symbols (beauty, justice, celebration); a waiting that involves suffering and yet actively standing in the face of the spoiled world and knowing that this will not always be so.

re:mix - surprised by hope

The last three journals have all begun in a state of quasi-depression, a concoction of hopelessness and despair. Much of this, admittedly, was due to some emotional and relational "trauma" (I think I can call it that) in my life. I have charted the rhythms of this trauma in a post last month (go browsing if you care to find it), and as this new journal begins, there is something quite different: a vibrant and ecstatic hope. This is something different, something new--it is unpredictable, and it is uncharted territory. The result is that as I plunge forward, I do so with hesitancy and tepidity, caught between both exhilaration and fear. I am not quite sure what the hope itself is pointing to: basically, as the song goes, I am hoping to see better days (and I don't mean in the eschatological sense). I am hoping, to borrow quite pagan language, that my fortunes will turn, that the sun will shine upon me, that I will breathe both deeper and more peacefully. Already this hope sustains me--I am smiling a lot more, laughing a lot more, being much more outgoing, experiencing a new-found energy, and actually sleeping at peace at night. Even when I know that one of the greatest hopes of my life has been just recently torn asunder, I am at peace with it. It is quite strange. So now I tiptoe--cautiously yet excitedly--into the next journal. I flip through the blank pages, wondering what adventures and discoveries will be enlisted onto their pages, wondering if the cycle will be broken, wondering--and fearing--if this hope will just crumble away, being some sort of manic episode that's lasted for about six weeks now. I'm not sure. Though I will admit, usually I start journals with just as much excitement as when I end them.

"Surprised By Hope"

This is one of the best books I've ever read (to be suspected, of course, because N.T. Wright is a B.A.M.F.). It's all about Christian eschatology centered on the resurrection of Jesus. The first third of the book is all about the resurrection of Jesus seen in the light of pagan and Jewish worldviews and how Christianity reworked the Jewish doctrine of resurrection in light of the resurrection. Wright doesn't dive too deep into the historical arguments for the resurrection (there are some great books on that), but he does employ historical studies to show how current skepticism and interpretation of the resurrection has come about, and he also examines the resurrection from a pragmatic perspective: seeing what it means, and how it demands much of us, many people skitter around it. The second third of the book is all about Christian eschatology in light of Jesus' resurrection: the re:creation of the cosmos, bodily resurrection, judgment, and the appearing (or "return") of Christ. He also tackles such issues as the ascension of Jesus and what theologians call the "intermediate states" of paradise (heaven) and hell. He gives an overview of the three most popular perceptions of eternal hell (conscious torment, conditional immortality, and universalism), and he proposes his own view that is quite surprising (though I don't agree with it). The last third of the book is all about the mission of the church as an eschatological uprising, living the future in the present, and what that means not only for the mission of the church but also for the life of the individual Christian. Very captivating and interesting stuff, stuff that demands to rethink all the long-held assumptions about salvation and evangelism.

I'm going through a bunch of N.T. Wright's books right now. Next on the list is "Simply Christian," which I read in 2007 but wasn't really able to grasp. I've flipped through some of the pages and with the backdrop of what Wright writes in "Surprised By Hope," much more of it makes sense. Then I'm going to read "The Challenge of Jesus," and then I'm off to "Paul in Fresh Perspective" (which, again, I read in 2007), and then I'm going to launch into his newest book (I think), "After You Believe: Why Christian Character Matters." In the fall I plan on reading through his three biggest books, each close to 1000 pages. Quite a task it will be. I'm reading his more "layman" books right now so when I get to those, I won't be too lost and confused.

of sushi and sunrises

Today was a good day. I worked an easy morning shift and was out by 1:00. I went to Caesar's Creek and found a place down on the lake and read 2 Peter for a while. I returned home and passed out and woke up when Dylan and Tyler came over. We grabbed sushi for dinner and then relaxed at Starbucks in the beautiful June weather, and then we went back to my place to play some Wii. This week is looking pretty good. I work an array of random shifts (definitely not the normal morning hours; e.g. I am working 12-8:30 tomorrow), and Saturday I am going to a house warming party down in Cincinnati and Sunday I am getting China Cottage for lunch after going to M.C.C. with Pat Dewenter. Oh: I went kayaking the other day and really enjoyed it, I'm trying to find a place around here where I can go kayaking for a couple hours without dishing out loads of money. Below is a picture I took out on the lake today:

I told my friend Mandy, "I'm a very insensitive person. It's because of my pride." As the old song goes, "I'm filthy with my sin, and I carry pride like a disease." Pride is one of the most common--and one of the most fatal--sins. Everyone deals with it, even the ones who loathe themselves the most. The transition is from placing one's pride in oneself and placing pride in God. This isn't something that happens overnight, and though there are aspects of my existence in which I do take my pride in God, there are far more where I take my pride in myself. One of these is the pride of knowledge. Ever since high school I have been in love with knowledge. I have sought to understand things from various angles and to get to the root and meat of even the most surface-level ideas. I am gifted at understanding abstract concepts and ideas and their interrelations with one another. When faced with what I perceive to be foolish and stupid ideas, I am quite quick to judge, somehow perceiving that those who hold such views are unintelligent. This is not the case. Some are quite intelligent, even if that intelligence is way off-base. And the views we hold we do not hold simply because we have studied them; our perspectives of things are due much less to any sort of academic intelligence than to the accumulation of events and experiences in our lives and how we have interpreted them and continue to interpret them in an evolutionary dance. Anyways. Bottom-line: I need to be more humble (or at least act like it) when dealing with people who are not designed the way I am, i.e. people who do not have a desire to search things out to the bottom of the barrel.