journal entry - 6.7.10

While I would like to think--perhaps due to my pride--that there are redeeming qualities within me, I am still, as the old song goes, "a wretch." Or, rather, I still, at times, ACT like a wretch--for in Messiah, I am a new creation. But I do not consistently live like one. I am an agent of the kingdom, to be sure; but there are still times when I connive with the ways of this old world. I carry pride like a disease and harbor filth in my heart. It is heart-breaking to sit down and re:examine your life and the motivations and subtle and evil desires within. I do not like what I find in such moments of intense and honest introspection. It weighs heavy upon me, a crushing weight. But I do thank God: his Spirit is within me, changing me, transforming me. I am thankful for the great developments of my character, for the way the Spirit has molded me up to this point, returning me to a state where I reflect the image of my creator and serve him as his image-bearing creature. But in no way am I a finished project; honestly, the project has just begun. And this re:vamping and re:working of my heart is painful--I am forced to look inwards, to see myself for who I really am. And it's hard, too, because I am torn between this old world and the world that is breaking in and which will, one day, be complete. Living between these poles creates a great struggle within my heart-of-stone becoming a heart-of-flesh. It is wearying, tiring, exhausting; it is agonizing and even excruciating at times. But it is GOOD. And the Spirit will have his way with me, and though at times it feels as if I am being ravaged, I am really being tilled: the Spirit is preparing me for a great harvest, a harvest of joy and peace and celebration; and even amidst the pain, flowers are beginning to emerge from the ashes.