Tuesday, November 30, 2010

the end of a month

November has been a pretty great month. It started off with a much-needed vacation down in Cincinnati and finished off seeing family for Thanksgiving. It's gotten pretty cold--I find myself muttering, "Damn, damn, damn..." as I walk from the employee lot to our building--but that makes the evenings that much more enjoyable. It's become a habit of mine to come home, turn on the fireplace, and drink a beer in the overstuffed chair while watching tv or reading a book. It's definitely quite wonderful. And simple. And I like that. 

This afternoon Mandy came to see me from Cincinnati. She dropped a flour pot on her head and I think she had a mild concussion, though the symptoms were rapidly disintegrating by the time she got here (minus the delayed conversational responses and the look of being stoned that washed over her face time and again). We grabbed lunch at China Cottage and then spent the rest of the afternoon curled up in my room snorting lines of Starbucks Via and taking ridiculous pictures, such as the one to the left. Definitely a good ending to the month.

Monday, November 29, 2010

the dayton days [43]

Ams & I at Thanksgiving Dinner
Monday. I had a princess shift, 6-12:30. Tyler came over, and we went to work so I could get my tips. Adam from M.C.C. was there. Tyler & I grabbed dinner at Milano's and finished off the night with Mario-Kart and laughter on the front porch. I hate how young I look: one of Tyler's friends saw him in a picture smoking a pipe with me, and he exclaimed, "Tyler! You can't smoke with kids in your youth group!" Hilarious, albeit frustrating. I know I'll love it when I'm older, but right now it's my bane. The only girls who flirt with me are in high school or Junior High. Women want macho, "manly" men. It doesn't matter how great of a guy I may be: I still look like a kid. "Dad hated it, too," Mom told me, "but now he loves me." But I do have at least one woman crazy for me: my work stalker. She came in today, and Jessica yelled, "Anthony! Hide!" She didn't talk to me, but she DID try to steal some of our VIA instant coffee.

Tuesday. A lazy day: work till 2:30, a nap, studying Christian theology, and watching TV. Highlights included a trip to the Marketplace for gas and cigarettes, and Mom fixed dinner. 

Wednesday. I built a merchandise shelf for Faith. She always asks me to do all the handyman stuff. Jessica & I got China Cottage after work. Carly was going to join us, but she felt sick (recovering from a wisdom teeth operation). Aunt Teri & Grandma rolled into town, and Tanner tried to eat our Christmas tree.

Thanksgiving. Cold, windy, rainy. I worked 5:30-2:00, missed out on Thanksgiving with Dad's side of the family. After work I high-tailed it to New Carlisle to catch the tail-end of the party, but only after refueling the Celica and letting Tanner out to piss. Megan brought Cate. She's nearly two years old now. That's crazy. It feels like just yesterday we were on a cruise ship and she was nervous about marriage, much more kids. I played with Cate and remembered again how much I want to have kids. I hide it well, don't want to look soft. But kids make me melt. I got home around 8:00 after driving home through torrential rains.

Black Friday. The store opened early for all the crazy shoppers (4:30 AM), but luckily I didn't have to be part of that. Dad & I switched out the tires from the Prizm to the Celica. Work was hell: at least it went by quickly. I had a beer when I got home. On P.O.F. I "met" a girl named Jacquelyn. She's 22, my type, lives in Cincinnati. She gave me her phone number today, told me to call her. "You seem like a genuine, down-to-earth guy who has his priorities straight." 

Saturday. I woke early and ran by work for six shots espresso and harassment from Destini. Aunt Teri, Uncle Bill, and Grandma came into town. Mom & Aunt Teri went out for beers, and Jesse & Jared, and their wives, showed up. We hammered down some beers and watched the Kentucky/Tennessee game. Ams arrived, and we dined on an AMAZING dinner and played Pictionary for a while. I called Jacquelyn and we talked for a bit.

Sunday. Boozer woke me up trying to steal the couch. He barked and whined all night long as I slept (or attempted to). Jesse, Jared and the girls left early. Mom & I set about putting the house back together. I called Jacquelyn and we talked for about an hour, and then Dylan, Tyler, and Dewenter came over for a while. Things with Jacquelyn look promising for a "first date": she texts me, laughs a lot on the phone, puts on that playful, kidding voice when we talk, etc. I'm thinking maybe a trip to the Blind Lemon in Mt. Adams or to Rock Bottom Brewery on Fountain Square.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

thanksgiving, part IV


Last night we celebrated Thanksgiving at the house with Mom's side of the family. Jesse and Jared brought several different kinds of beer, and we drank a few and watched the Kentucky vs. Tennessee game, and we ate an amazing dinner and I felt too stuffed to eat desert. We closed out the evening playing Pictionary and then we went to bed. Boozer spent all night whining and barking in his sleep and kept trying to reclaim the couch. Around 7:00 this morning I finally gave up pushing him away and gave him the sofa and made some coffee. Everyone's heading back down to Kentucky today, so I plan on doing laundry, getting a lot of cleaning done, working out, and probably hanging out with Dylan & Tyler and Dewenter later on in the day. I have a busy work week ahead of me, and I want to hit up the gym every day if possible to work off the Thanksgiving calories (though, thankfully, I didn't do too awful; no worse than having a meal or two from China Cottage). It's been a great Thanksgiving, and now I'm just looking forward to Christmas--more time with great people :). And then it's the winter dreggs for three-four months until it warms up again.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

thanksgiving, part III

It's quite popular, on Thanksgiving, to say what you're thankful for. So I guess I'll be unoriginal and, after examining my life, give a few things I'm thankful for.

My Family. But of course! I have been extremely blessed with wonderful parents and an amazing sister. I'm more lucky than I know to have loving parents who are still together and an excellent relationship with my little sister. We're best friends. And not only that, but I have great relationships with my extended family. Both my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins. I'm so thankful for all of them. If it weren't for my family, then I wouldn't be here. And I don't mean that just in the biological sense; when I was at the "end of my rope," so-to-speak, many years ago, it was my baby sister who kept me pressing forward, and it was my parents who kept me from taking my own life. I am so thankful for the love and support they've given me.

My Friends. A very close second. My Junior year of college, nearly all of my friends abandoned me. I would spend the evenings in my dorm room, doing absolutely nothing. Long drives through the Cincinnati cold with the sleeting rains and the headlights on the freeways. My senior year, God blessed me with countless, innumerable friendships that continue to this day. It was then that I met my best friend Jessie, and it was then that I reconnected with Rob and Mandy. I became friends with Gambill, and I had a crush on a cute Thai girl named Faikham. Blake and I met and hit it off pretty well, and now I want to be him. I moved back home and rekindled old friendships--Patrick, Dylan and Tyler, Pat and Ashlie--and made new friends: Carly, Jessica, Kyle, J.J., etc. I am thankful for all my great friendships, the support and Christian community I find in them, and the laughter and love shared over healthy dinners and good beer.

My Job. I may make barely above minimum-wage, but God gave me my dream-job. Making coffee, great co-workers and friends, always fun times. I really do enjoy my job more than I've enjoyed any other job. I could get a better job, a higher-paying job, but I love the place I work now. I don't intend on making a career out of it, but it's a good place to be right now as I seek to discover what to do with the rest of my life.

My God. It's so cliche to say "I'm thankful for God!" but I really am. A lot of people just say it because, as Christians, they're sure they need to be thankful for him. When I say I'm thankful for God, I mean it in a concrete way. My God has comforted me time and time again. My God has convicted me, corrected me, encouraged me, guided me. My God has answered some of my greatest prayers, again and again: he brought me friendships in my darkest moments, he delivered me out of the hell epitomized in that dumpster behind the Clifton bar, and he has used the trials and tribulations of my life to not only draw me closer to him but to intensify my trust and hope in him. My God is a God of grace, mercy, and love; a God who grants forgiveness more than I want forgiveness; a God who, time and time again, inclines his ear to my cries and delivers me from the mire and clay. Some people worship gods of stone and straw; some people worship the gods of Freud, Nietzsche, and Marx (sex, power, and money); some people worship the gods of self-indulgence and self-gratification. My God demands self-sacrifice and a crucifixion of the flesh, but he delivers life whereas all these other gods deliver deepening dehumanization and ultimate destruction. 

Thursday, November 25, 2010

thanksgiving, part II

Work went by quickly, due to the insane rushes followed by periods of dead time when we tasked our little hearts out. I made myself a venti soy latte and headed northeast under gray skies to Thanksgiving lunch with dad's side of the family. The lunch was at noon, and I got there around 3:00; Mom saved me some leftovers. My cousin Megan brought her two-year old girl, Cate, and she was adorable. She can walk now--more-so stumble than walk, but still--and we had a heckuva time playing with her. It makes me realize--or, rather, remember--how much I want to have kids someday. And by "someday" I mean later rather than sooner. The only person I've seriously wanted, in all sincerity and selflessness, to build a family with has built her own, and I'm totally okay with that. Celebrating it, even. My point is that I have pretty high standards when it comes to girls. I'm not obsessed about how a girl looks; it's her character, personality, etc. that really matter to me. And I can be pretty picky when it comes to that stuff. On most Thanksgivings I feel quite gloomy, remembering all the fruitless hopes and dreams, the broken promises, the shattered ambitions. But this Thanksgiving I enjoyed the laughter of a little girl and knew that, in all probability, one day I'll have my own, and she (or he) will be the world to me. So this Thanksgiving I celebrate and am future for the future. And even if my dream of being a husband and a father doesn't come to pass, that doesn't mean life is a waste. It's strange, but I now know that more than ever. Hopefully I can just keep that in the back of my mind. We are such foolish creatures. Here's a photograph taken today of my family and me:


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

thanksgiving, part I

Aunt Teri and Grandma rolled into town evening after being broken-down on Interstate 75 in the pouring rain. They came inside and slipped into their pajamas and got warm by the fireplace. That seems to be the thing to do. When I got home from work, I went straight into my pajamas, ignited a fire in the hearth, grabbed a Killian's, and drank a bit before my own solo Thanksgiving dinner: two baked potatoes, some grilled Mahi-Mahi, and sauteed mushrooms. Tomorrow I work till 2:30 and then I'm driving north to spend time with Dad's side of the family for the tail-end of the party (which begins at 10:00, when I'll be just halfway done with my shift). I wish I could make it to the whole thing, but at least I have the weekend off, when I can spend time with Mom's side of the family. My cousin's boxer Boozer is coming to the party at the house. It'll be interesting to see how he reacts to Maebe, and vice versa

Usually I don't like the holidays, but this year I'm actually looking forward to them. Last year I wrote quite a depressing post entitled "i hate the holidays." Much of it stemmed from the timing of the holidays in relation to certain events that had transpired just prior (i.e. the only girl I've ever loved getting married to the man with whom she cheated on me). But now, a year later, I can take a deep breath and thank God for all that he has done, the prayers that he has answered. He delivered me from the hell that manifested itself behind that dumpster in Clifton. He enabled me to find a great car for a great price, through the selfless generosity of a friend, right at the last moment. He brought me a job when I couldn't handle unemployment, and it was the type of job I'd been yearning for: good friends, good customers, and making coffee. While this year has shared its own disappointments, there is a certain brightness present that hasn't been present before. Or, perhaps, I am just perceiving the brightness, for the first time, that has always been there--the brightness of hope and thanksgiving, a brightness that is but a flame, but with praise and prayer can swell into a raging wildfire. I digress, and say this: I'm thankful for all that God has done for me--and in me--and this Thanksgiving I'll celebrate his love, grace, and generosity even to a creature as selfish, prideful, and sinful as me. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

12 Dogs of Christmas

This week's Christmas Ale is from Thirsty Dog Brewing Company: the 12 Dogs of Christmas. It's not as good as the Great Lakes Christmas Ale, but it's close. This ale is laden with all sorts of spices: cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg--basically the only spices we have at the cafe that I never use--and is tinted with a mild honey flavor. It's pretty malty, but apparently Thirsty Dog is known for malted barleys. This would be the perfect beer for Christmas dinner, or sitting by the fireplace reading a good book. All in all, a high quality beer. I'll probably by another six-pack for Thanksgiving dinner this weekend. If I'm lucky, my family will only steal five from the packaging.

This week looks like it's going to be a rough one. I work 8 1/2 hour shifts for the next three days, and amidst all of that, I'm juggling family Thanksgiving events. Thanksgiving dinner with Dad's side of the family is at noon this Thursday, but since I work till 2:00, and because it's an hour-drive from here, I won't get there till about 3:00, just in time to pick off a few leftovers, of which there will probably hardly be any, but that's totally fine. It's better for my health if I'm not sitting around the table for an hour and a half with giant plates heaping with country home-cooked food being passed around. Friday evening Mom's family is coming into town, and I'm working that night (Black Fridays, I hear, are nightmares at work). I have the weekend off (because I asked for it off), and on Saturday we're having our Thanksgiving dinner, and on Sunday we'll just be spending time with the family. Daily humdrum life will resume come Monday, and then in a few weeks, the Christmas madness will begin. I enjoy seeing family all throughout the season, but sometimes all of the events, activities, and Christmas shopping can be overwhelming. I'll be glad once January 1st rolls around. 

Monday, November 22, 2010

a good weekend

The last two days have been pretty great. Sunday morning I skipped church and went to visit my great friend Jess Lynn at the Oakwood Starbucks, where she's "temping" for the next several weeks. They were swamped, so sadly I didn't get to spend time with her on a non-existent break, but I did get a lot of research done for the next chapter in "Re:framing Repentance." I've been wrestling with the layout for the next several (and final) chapters of the book, and I decided to take what would've been three chapters and condense them into two. Much of the next chapter involves the doctrines of regeneration and sanctification, and how they play into the whole repentance ordeal. Most of my studying at Starbucks came from Wayne Grudem's systematic theology; while I'm not Calvinist, I'm not the type who only wants to learn from people I agree with (this would be difficult, too, seeing as my views are quite varied; theologically, I'm a mutt). I love Grudem's analyses, and I also enjoy (and I may be one of the few) Jack Cottrell, who is a theologian on the other side of the fence. I like elements of what they both have to say but tend to ride the fence. If the grass is greener on either side, then I can just be a part of both!

Sunday evening Dylan and Dewenter came over, and we went to D.L.M. and got fresh fish patties from Dylan's friend, and we grilled them up with mushrooms and baked potatoes (I make killer baked potatoes; I studied all sorts of different recipes and came up with my own), and then we sat on the porch and enjoyed some 12 Dogs of Christmas Ale. I like it almost as much as I like the Great Lakes Christmas Ale (I'm doing a gauntlet of Christmas beers, and I'll have a review on 12 Dogs shortly--the ones thus far have been the Great Lakes and the Bell's). This evening Dylan's brother Tyler and I went to Starbucks, where I gave him my markout (I have way too many already lining my shelves, need to share the benefits), and after visiting with a few people, we went out to dinner at Milano's. We both got subs, though I got a salad instead of fries and a Killian's to polish it all off.

Tomorrow should be good. I get to work with lots of great people, and then I'm going to hit up the gym, have an omelette for dinner, and then spend the evening hopefully researching regeneration and sanctification (right now I perceive regeneration as the launching-pad for sanctification; the two go hand-in-glove but aren't the same thing; hopefully my perception will be at the least tweaked, or what's the purpose?). I'm the kind of person who enjoys puzzles and mysteries, and studying the scriptures is like that. I like to try to piece everything together, although it's a catch-22, because once you think you've got something figured out, it just opens a whole new can of worms for something else. Nevertheless, it's a good journey, and I am excited about the prospect--no, the guarantee--of my theological perceptions and persuasions being tweaked and revamped. 

the dayton days [43]

the civil war reenactors were the best
Monday. Dylan came over, and we took the new car for a spin. Toyota Celica. 1992. A beauty. The headlights flip up! Ams says the car looks too cool for me. "If you squint in low light, it looks like it's a miata," I said. "And it's a two-seater." Except it just has two doors and five seats. Dylan headed home (he'll be in Tennessee all week).

Tuesday. I had a weird noon-4:00 shift, training on our new Symphony POS system. I made a kickass dinner back home: ham, potatoes, baked beans, and beer bread. A family dinner, the first in a long time. Jess Lynn called, gave me the scoop on Sean, a boy she's kinda dating. It sounds like he's playing her, so I just told her to be careful. 

Wednesday. Winter depresses me, and I ate like shit. I had Friday plans with Jess Lynn (she's in town all week working at Oakwood), but they were cancelled: I have an interview with Tazza Mia at 10:30 AM that morning. No positions are yet available, but Rob's been talking me up, and he wants to get a feel for me. Work is decked out in Christmas decor, and it's pretty cheery. Someone's stealing money from the store. I can't imagine any of my coworkers doing it, but I've watched enough Law & Order to know you can never be sure. Sarah's going to a show at LaComedia this week, said she'll hang out with me beforehand. We'll see how that goes. There was an ADORABLE girl at work tonight. Old-fashioned, doing homework, reading her bible. So hot. And, yes, she was in college.

Thursday. Sarah likes my new car. Hell, everyone does. We ate dinner and chatted it up and then she left. Tomorrow's my interview with Bob. I really hope it goes well. Rob called, gave me some pointers. He said Bob may have a full-time position to fill. I don't want to get my hopes up, but the thought of moving back to Cincinnati and being with everyone, especially Ams, makes my pulse quicken.

Friday. I woke around 7:30, spent some time in prayer before the interview, and then drove down to Cincinnati, parked at Fountain Square. The interview was at the Vine Street location, just up the road. A nice, cold, rainy November walk. It's autumn, after all. The interview went really well, but he could only offer part-time, and I need full-time. Oh well. I visited Rob at the other Tazza Mia in Carew Tower; he agrees I should stay in Dayton for the time being. "People are in and out of here, a full-time position will become available, I'm sure." I returned home, picked up sushi from DLM. I got pretty depressed, feeling gridlocked and poor and hopeless. You know: the usual.

Saturday. I had a good breakfast, cereal & toast, before my 9-5:00 shift. Jessica was upset I traded shifts with Betsy last week: "You're my only strong bar, the strong barista, and you bailed on me on one of our busiest mornings!" Tony & I talked about our dream homes. Honestly, I'd be content with a small apartment, sparse furniture, and a loving wife. After work Dewenter & I met up with Hank & Ashlie for the traditional "Christmas in Springboro" on Main Street (we skipped the parade). We got bourbon chicken for dinner, sipped hot chocolate, and petted goats; but the Civil War reenactors camped outside Hank & Ashlie's apartment were the best. I set up my Christmas tree in my room, and Ams came into town and we smoked on the front porch and went to bed.

Sunday. A heavy mist fell overnight that dawn wouldn't crack. Very eerie. I spent the morning at the Oakwood Starbucks visiting Jess Lynn & researching sanctification. I picked up groceries on the way home, and Dylan came over and we went to DLM and fixed dinner: fish, mushrooms, baked potatoes. He told me all about his Tennessee trip. Dewenter joined us after Ams left, and we had a few beers.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

"After You Believe"

N.T. Wright's "After You Believe" is the third in his trilogy which started off with "Simply Christian." In "Simply Christian" he laid down, in layman's terms, the foundation of the Christian faith, as well as incorporating some apologetics. In the second book, "Surprised By Hope," Wright looked at Christian eschatology--a.k.a. "The End Times"--from a covenantal rather than dispensational angle, following an analysis of Christian life and mission in light of that eschatology. In this third book, everything he wrote before comes to a head in his discussion regarding Christian ethics and the Christian life. Ultimately the book is written two address two issues: "How ought a Christian behave?" and "How does a Christian get to that point?" It's the question of Christian ethics as well as the question of how to actually live by Christian ethics. 

Much of the book is his analysis of Aristotle's ethic reworked around Jesus. Aristotle's concept of virtue is taken up by the early Christians, who, in place of Aristotle's cardinal virtues, proclaimed the real virtues being faith, hope, love, and the ninefold fruit of the Spirit. Just as Aristotle had a means of getting to the virtues, so did the Christians--through diligence, hard work, and the prevalent presence and activity of the Spirit. And just as Aristotle had a goal--eudaimonia, the point of becoming a fully-flourishing human being--so Christians had a goal: it could be said to be eudaimonia, albeit reworked into the Imago Dei. With a reworked frame of ethics in the back of his mind, Wright then examines the virtues of faith, hope, and love (plus the ninefold fruit of the Spirit) and then how the person in Christ is to "put on" these virtues. He rails against the romanticists, who say that all of this will just spontaneously happen; and he rails against the existentialists, who say that what matters is that we live authentically. Living the Christian life--the resurrection life--is a matter of hard work: crucifying the Old Man and putting on the New Man. It is an individual as well as corporate pursuit, and he examines several key disciplines that help in the journey: Christian community, prayer, the scriptures, etc.

Surprisingly, Wright doesn't write much about the Spirit in this book. One could approach the book and interpret Wright's paradigm as being absent of the Spirit. It's surprising he doesn't write much about the Spirit because, in all his other works, the Spirit is a big deal. He takes the Spirit as seriously as most charismatics I know. I speculate that his off-hand references to the Spirit in this book are due to two facets: (a) having written extensively about the Spirit in the previous two books, he hopes that what he's said before isn't now forgotten; and (b) his aim is to get back to the Christian theory of virtue wherein a Christian actually works at it (he steers far from legalism and pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps mentalism, proclaiming grace on nearly every page), which may be what he perceives to be the biggest hurdle in a post-Enlightenment and post-modernist world where many Christians are romanticists and existentialists who scowl at the idea of character development as something one has to work at. Nevertheless, Wright does mention the Spirit from time-to-time, emphasizing the Spirit's role in the process, and making it clear that while Aristotle's framework provided the way to pride and vanity, the Spirit's work leads straight to humility, because we realize that it isn't us who are making all these changes but the Spirit working with us and within us.

My rating: four out of five stars. I would've liked to see the Spirit mentioned more. I would've liked to see discourses on many of the Christian virtues that Wright just skimmed over (keeping in mind that his words regarding love, patience, humility, and chastity are wonderful; but I'd like to see more!). As a companion to this book, I would recommend Dallas Willard's "The Spirit of the Disciplines" and "Renovation of the Heart" (though I think Willard has a pretty mechanistic view of the human organism, no doubt due to his modernistic roots)--as well as Richard Foster's "Celebration of Discipline." Next book on the list: "Postmillennialism: An Eschatology of Hope."

sunday meditation - Micah 6.8

Sometime during the seventh and eighth centuries B.C., the king of Israel, a ruthless man named Ahaz, turned from the worship of God and embraced the worship of pagan gods, committing infant sacrifice in the Valley of Hinnom (a.k.a. Gehenna) and demanding sexual orgies at pagan hillside shrines. He built a pagan altar in the Jerusalem Temple and said, “Worship my gods here,” and closed off the Temple to the worship of God. As he did this, a strange prophet wandered the countryside, declaring that if the people refused to turn from the false gods and to turn back to their God, the God of Israel, destruction would come upon them. It is here where he declares that famous verse: “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does YHWH require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God” (as opposed to all those false gods Ahaz loved to serve). Thus Micah gets to the heart of the matter: what is it that God demands of his people, even of his lawless, disobedient, and willfully wayward people? 

Do Justice. 
Love Mercy. 
And walk humbly with YHWH. 
This is what it means to be good. 
This is what it means to be righteous.

The term “righteous” is a term that, at least in our culture, brings to mind plenty of off-color images. More revolting than Saw (or Saw II, or III, or IV, or V…) is the image of a self-righteous man, bathing in hypocrisy and two-facedness, pretending to be one thing on the outside while being rotten on the inside, the living metaphor of whitewashed tombs. The word “righteous” brings to mind holier-than-thou attitudes and self-righteous (a better word may be religiously-egotistical) living. Many of us—including Christians—are turned off by our culture’s perception of what it means to be “righteous”: to do all the right things, which generally means not being gay, not drinking alcohol, and not dancing (oh, and hating everyone who is or does any of these). You can tell if someone is “righteous” based upon how sour, glum-faced, and mean they are. This concept of “righteous” falls short of the word’s actual glory, turning something beautiful, colorful, and celebratory into something downright awful.

“Righteousness” in the Hebrew sense—in the tsedaqah sense of the word—means to be merciful, kind, faithful, generous, and just. It means—as Micah makes quite clear—to love mercy, to do justice, and to walk humbly with God. Righteousness is the character of God, his dispositions towards man (even towards sinners as sinful as myself): mercy, kindness, faithfulness, generosity, and justice. This is the character of God, and it is the character God demands of his people precisely because they belong to him and are to reflect his “image” as his image-bearers.

Mercy. Kindness. Faithfulness. Generosity. Justice.

That definition of righteousness comes as a breath of fresh air, as a candle lit in a dark room.

And it sheds light on what St. Paul says in Philippians 2.14-16, where he speaks of the people of God shining as lights in the darkness. He echoes a passage in the Book of Daniel which speaks of the righteous shining like stars: those who are righteous don’t just bring light into the world, they pierce the darkness. The righteous manner of living—a manner of living characterized by mercy towards others, kindness in our dealings, faithfulness to our fellow man, generosity towards all, and justice for the downtrodden—doesn’t just burn bright as a candle but pierces the darkness, exposing the darkness for what it really is. Selfishness, greed, and indifference to both God and man gives birth to a world of wickedness, evil, pain, and suffering. And when God’s people live righteous lives, they pierce that darkness and expose that darkness for its true colors, just as when sunlight enters a dark room, it exposes all the contours and textures and ugliness. In the same way, the righteousness of God’s people exposes all the good in the world, bringing it to surface, bringing it to praise and redemption. 

Shining as lights in the world isn’t just about preaching the gospel. It is about living in tune with God’s new world. It is about living a life characterized by righteousness, a life characterized by mercy, kindness, faithfulness, generosity, and justice. In short, it is characterized by one’s disposition towards others, a disposition summed up most beautifully in that wildly-misunderstood and multi-textured word: love. 

Righteousness is good. 
Righteousness is beautiful. 
Righteousness is exposing. 
And righteousness is hard. 

Living righteously in a world consumed with the exact opposite is an incredibly difficult task, especially when we are so used to living in a wholly different manner altogether. And on top of it all, living righteously brings about all sorts of sufferings: there’s friction as two manners of living collide, and where there’s friction, there’s bound to be earthquakes. 

Micah’s words aren’t spoken to those who are gathered in church. His words aren’t spoken to those who have it all together. His words aren’t spoken to a people who are pretty much already trying their best to live righteously. He speaks to a people who have abandoned God. He speaks to a people who have turned their backs on their God and turned themselves over to the pagan gods. He speaks to a people who have rejected God’s ways and embraced a manner of living that is all about self-indulgence and self-satisfaction. He speaks to a people of a different way of life, a life which will be difficult not only because it’s something they’re not used to, but because they live in a world where the worship of God is forbidden, a world where worshippers of God will be mocked, beaten, and put to the spear. Don’t let anyone tell you living righteously is easy. It’s not. But—and this is important—it is good. 

Saturday, November 20, 2010

eclectics

Yesterday I went down to Cincinnati for a job interview. It went well, and the owner tentatively offered me a part-time gig. I went home and did lots of calculations and there's no way I could sustain myself on that pay. Oh well. It was nice walking around Fountain Square, and I got to swing by to see Rob at the Carew Tower before heading home. Today I went to Christmas in Springboro with Dewenter, and we met up with Hank and his wife Ashlie (who live on the main strip) and we got bourbon chicken and visited the various tents and then we went to The Garage which we helped build 5-6 years ago and lamented how what had at one time been a pretty successful venue has become a bike shop (albeit a pretty great bike shop). On the way back to my place, where we enjoyed some beer and Mario-Kart with Dad, we talked about how nostalgic the festival is for us, and we pondered how life carries us forward and we never know what's up next. Tomorrow I'll be going to church and then to the Oakwood Starbucks to visit my friend Jess Lynn while hammering out notes for the next chapter in "Re:framing Repentance." Oh: and I set up a small Christmas Tree in my room. It's pretty nice. Thanksgiving is next week, and it'll be good to visit family whom I don't see too often. 

Thursday, November 18, 2010

a beer and Christian ethics

Tonight's "beer of choice" is cheap (thanks to low funds due to school loans and a trip to Cincinnati tomorrow) but delicious: blancahe de namur, a smooth and mild Belgian white beer laden with the scent and taste of fruits (notably orange) and notes of coriander and clove. Not the best but pretty good. Tonight I drink in celebration of finishing yet another chapter in "Re:framing Repentance." 

It's the first of a two-part chapter regarding Christian ethics. In this chapter I look at two polar opposite ways of viewing Christian ethics: the existentialist's fascination with authenticity and spontaneity in "living by the Spirit" and the legalist's adherence to a revised and updated "Mosaic Law" called "the law of Christ." Throughout this book I've examined different perceptions on different subjects and dealt with them in different ways. For some issues, I've picked bits and pieces from certain viewpoints and reconstructed them to what I believe to be a better view. On others, I've taken the foundations of different views and reworked them in lieu of a different foundation, making the foundations themselves more like pillars emerging from a different foundation. In this chapter, I took a different route: instead of embracing a paradigm shift, I advocated total deconstruction and reconstruction: new foundation and new pillars all! The foundation to understanding Christian ethics, I think, is two-fold, and they fit together: first, there is eschatology; and second, there is the rescue and renewal of human beings. The latter fits into the former. The latter approaches Christian ethics as what it looks like to live as a genuine human being, with Jesus being the true human being (of whom Adam was a type), and being "conformed to the image of Christ" is "being rebuilt into the fashion of a genuine human being." The former approaches Christian ethics as what it looks like to live in God's kingdom, God's new world, which was inaugurated with Jesus' resurrection and is advancing, and which will be completed in the future in a cataclysmic and beautiful act of God (what we call the "final judgment"). For the last two weeks I have agonized over this chapter, and I'm excited about how it turned out. 

Now I'm going to continue celebrating by polishing off this wonderful beer!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

journal entry - 11.13

Maybe it's just another cycle--or even just the winter dregs--but I can't help but notice the cyclical nature of my life thus far. 'Round and 'round we go. Different faces. Different sceneries. Different subplots. But the overarching storyline remains the same: disappointment in every arena of life. Even the faintest hopes are disemboweled and gorged upon. I'm tired of everything being so damn cyclical. I want geographical movement. I want the story to GO somewhere. A few twists and turns would be nice. A few joyful surprises wouldn't turn me off. Anything but this cyclical rhythm. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round and can't get off while everyone outside is living it up or at least on their way somewhere. Mom says I get way too complacent. Maybe, or perhaps I've just learned that it doesn't matter how hard you try, no matter how close you get, things won't change. Now, of course, I know that's not true. But its how I feel anyways, as if that matters. All I'm saying is that no matter how much "steam" you have, if your every effort is thwarted or ground to dust, you'll start losing your steam. Become long-winded, strained, exhausted, and then you'll collapse. Melancholy? Sure. But honest. I need a long-lasting manic cycle to get me out of this rut. In the end, what I want is change. I want the cycle to break. I want what has escaped my grasp despite my hard work, prayers, and resilience (a resilience which threatens to snap). Is there hope? Yes. There IS hope. "Remember, remember, the dumpster of November." The lament of Job 17.15-16--"Where is my hope?"--is answered by the first hints of dawn outside a smoldering Jerusalem in Lamentations 3.22-26: "There is hope in God. Remember!" My meltdown at the dumpster was a meltdown of hopelessness. Hope had seemingly abandoned me, and it felt--more than ever--that God had, too. And then, when it reached its pinnacle of hell, God acted--to my astonishment and thanksgiving, for his praise and glory. The world may be dark but there is light. "Hope in the LORD. Wait for the LORD. And watch him work." 

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

the walking dead



This is the kind of thing I watch when I'm tired but can't sleep.
And then I can sleep like a baby.
I think something's wrong with me.

on hope: journal entries

As promised, I have decided to include (in a series of 3-4 posts) echoes of my current struggles, which tend to focus, in varying angles, on two things: (a) hope and (b) the nature of God's workings with man, and indeed with myself. I'll give the actual dates when I wrote the journal entries, which is interesting, because it reveals an evolution (as well as a devolution) of my thought patterns. For example, in the post below, you'll see a moment of despair, then a moment of encouragement and resolution, then right back into the pit (albeit a pit reworked around the former encouragement and resolution). Perhaps the swinging back and forth could be due to my mood swings, but no one really knows. Anyways, here I am, bearing my soul for the first of 3-4 posts, and the subject is hope. 

October 15. I don't know what to do. Confusion and indecisiveness befall me at every turn. Life wasn't supposed to look like this. I was supposed to be married and working at a small church by now. Something went wrong--I went wrong--and the result is this: a minimum-wage job, a broken car, swamped in debt, single and broken-hearted and a breaker of hearts. Where has the joy, the hope, the passion gone? It's been replaced with a numbness, a resignation, an odd sort of sterility. Cold, calloused, burnt-out. This is who I am. And yet I plunge forward. Why? Because the hope that things will get better--however meager a hope--still lives within me, at times dormant and at other times erupting. Is this hope valid? Or just a coping technique? Will things get better? Or will the old prophecy come true, that I'm "waiting for a resolution that will never come"?

October 19. I do hope things will get better. I hope I'll find a job where I make enough to afford my own place. I hope I make some really great new friends. I hope I fall in love with a beautiful and--more importantly--wonderful and godly girl, and that we will build a family together. I am losing hope in aspects of all this as I become better acquainted with reality. The only thing that is guaranteed in this life is suffering. Are you happy? Rejoice. Are you hurting and sad? Get used to it. These hopes, these dreams, may be no more than wishful thinking, and we say, "They're my destiny!" while destiny--if there is such a thing--proves herself again and again to be a bloodsucking leech. It's futile to put our hopes--my hopes--in the things of this life, because everything is so fragile and easily broken. Instead of walking around with a smile, maybe I should walk around with a frown, a mirror image of the world around me--or, to be proactive, walk with some tape and glue to mend shit when it breaks (knowing it'll probably just break worse next time)?

October 21. Regarding what I wrote on the 19th, I DO have hope, and this hope will NOT disappoint. Nothing is certain in this life, in this "present evil age," but there is a hope that IS certain, and it's a hope that is eschatological. It is the hope that no matter what may happen to me in the "here and now"--that is, in my life in this fallen, corrupted, decaying world--there is the guarantee--no matter the present pains and sufferings--of EXALTATION, of GLORIFICATION, of INHERITING A NEW HEAVENS AND NEW EARTH. I wrote those in caps because they should be at the forefront of my mind. I have the hope--a certain hope--of one day living--even reigning!--in a world restored, revamped, reimagined, a world free of the corruption and decay of the present. While this life is certainly more than a "vale of tears," sometimes that's precisely what it feels like. And though I may feel overwhelmed, overpowered, overstressed and overdrawn, there is the promise of rest and renewed life the other side of judgment. It is the promise of resurrection, and this promise sustains me.

November 1. Where has hope gone? My stoicism takes hope and hurls it to the ground, crushing it underfoot. I mock any non-eschatological hope as a deceptive illusion, and in my mockery I embrace a sterile life where God, for all practical reasons, is absent. He won't intervene, he won't answer my prayers, he won't come through on his promises. I don't legitimately believe any of that, but those are the whispers that assault my mental ears daily. It's depressing, and maybe some of this is due to former disillusionment with God, a disillusionment which spurned me into rethinking my entire perception of God. I want him to come through. I want him to answer my prayer, the same prayer I've prayed for seven years. But I'm losing hope, and I want it back. 

Monday, November 15, 2010

new car


I finally got a new car, thanks to the generosity of my friend Patrick. It's in excellent shape minus chipping paint on the hood and roof, but I'm the kind of guy who really doesn't care. What matters is if it runs, and compared to the beat-up Prizm, this is like a dream come true. It's a 1992 Celica, and if you squint in low light, it looks like a Miata. "It's a two-seater." Minus the two seats in the back. Anyways, I've got a new car and new plates and insurance is good to go, so I'll be parking my Prizm on the street until I figure out what to do with it. In other news, I got a $150 pair of shoes for $1.50 at Goodwill, and they're in excellent condition. Pretty good deal. I had a piercing migraine after work today and slept three hours and my head still hurts so I'm not going to write much more. My week will be pretty uneventful, minus seeing my good friend Jess Lynn this Friday and then hitting up Christmas in Springboro--a tradition!--this weekend. Thanksgiving is only a few days away and I'm excited about good food and good beer with the family.

the dayton days [42]


Monday. I worked 5:30-1:00 with lots of great people and had Chipotle for lunch. Aunt Teri, Grandma & I got pizza for dinner and devoured some ice cream. "You're not losing anymore weight, are you?" Aunt Teri quipped.

Tuesday. Our D.T. machine's broken, and it sucks to have only one bar during rushes. Aunt Teri, Grandma & I got dinner at China Cottage before they headed home. Dylan came over; he's been accepted into the Peace Corps, and we drank beers to celebrate. 

Wednesday. Tyler came over this evening, and we went to The Rusty Bucket for beers and hummus. I was pretty buzzed by the time we left, so he drove us home. Dylan met up with us and we drank Killian's Irish Red on the front porch.

Thursday. Dad & I checked out Dewenter's car today, the one he says I might be able to buy. Dad said it looked in decent shape, so we drove it home. Doug's letting us have it for $150 over the next seven months. 

Friday. I had the day off, so I slept in, made a French Press, and spent the day writing. I ran to DLM for groceries, picked up a couple ales Josh from work recommended. 

Saturday. After an easy opening shift, Dewenter and I grabbed lunch at China Cottage. At 3:00 I had a work meeting at Milano's. Ams came into town: we hung out on the front porch, I sported my new car, and she talked about how the Cincinnati House Church has gone downhill because Isaac wants to be a philosopher. 

Sunday. I dreamt that Kyle & Courtney, and Tim & Julie, came to my house and mocked me for being a failure at life. Quite depressing. The "nightmare" woke me at 6:30 AM and I smoked a cigarette and watched the sunrise and went to Spring Valley at 7:00 for some espresso. I spent the day thinking about life and quickly became depressed. A foretaste of winter (tell me again why I want to go to Alaska?) and in my weakness I talked to Clare--didn't say anything foolish, thank God--and told her that "everything feels so hopeless and empty." Mom came home bearing gifts from Kentucky: she found me a pair of $150 shoes for $1.50. Ams found a nest of baby mice and almost killed them, broke into tears. Dewenter came over and we played Wii before he went to his grandpa's.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

a nightmare

Last night I dreamt two of my exes, both married now, showed up at my house and began mocking how I hadn't even come close to achieving any of my dreams. I woke up depressed and couldn't go back to sleep so I went out onto the front porch and smoked a cigarette and drank French-pressed Breakfast Blend and watched the sunrise. I went to work when they opened and got six shots espresso and finished "After You Believe" by N.T. Wright (review coming soon!) and felt much better. I don't think about any of them anymore. I dated Julie four years ago and Courtney three years ago. I haven't talked to any of them in ages (though I sat next to Courtney at a recent wedding; we didn't talk nor even look at one another, it was as if we'd never even met). I don't know why these dreams are accosting me. They're sad and they make me sad, but at least the sadness disperses once the sun rises. I really wish the dreams would stop, or at least be replaced by something better: zombies or werewolves or aliens. Those dreams are always exciting and I wake up energized.

I finished "Chapter 12" in my book this morning (seeing as I was wired by 8:00 with everyone else sleeping). Apparently the caffeine lurched me from my lack of inspiration and energy regarding the book. Now it's only 10:00 and I only have a handful of things to do: clean my room, clean out my car, maybe eat lunch while watching "Parks and Recreation." My room is cluttered, and I can't stand it. A cluttered room makes me feel as if my life is cluttered. It's symptomatic of cluttered thoughts, thoughts generally about my current state-of-affairs and how I want things to change. I've written a lot about this lately--epitomized in countless journal entries regarding hope--and I'm going to share a few of them on here this week. "Bear my soul," you could say. It's all good and well. I don't mind being transparent. As many people may scold me for it, countless others are encouraged and strengthened. And if God is allowing me to go through this time in my life, and if he has also endowed me with a talent for writing, then I'd better put two and two together and perhaps advance his kingdom, albeit in small and barely discernible ways. 

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Bell's Christmas Ale

This week's seasonal beer: Bell's Christmas Ale. The color is a hazy dark copper with a decent foamy head. Currents of toffee and malts (not a big toffee fan, but I'm okay with it), spruce and floral hops. The more you savor it, the more you can detect caramel and hazelnut. It's a medium body with a lingering, hoppy finish. Unlike last week's beer, the Great Lakes Christmas Ale, this beer doesn't have any real spice. I like the ginger in the Great Lakes beer, it's definitely something different. All in all, though, I like this beer. I wish I could get some Alaskan Brewing Company beer but they don't sell on the east coast :(. I'm hopefully getting an Alaskan Brewing Co. stein for Christmas. That would be so awesome.

I worked a lot today. A six hour shift, followed by a break (Dewenter and I grabbed China Cottage and then went back to my place to play some Mario Kart), and then a work meeting at Milano's from 3-5:00. Afterwards I spent time with Amanda, who's in town. We sat on the front porch and smoked a little bit and then went inside and nailed Mario-Kart pretty hard (the enticing language is enticing me to more Mario-Kart). Tomorrow I plan on going to church, of course, and then spending the day finishing (hopefully) Chapter 12 in "Re:framing Repentance." Right now it's at 9 pages. There's some stuff going on in my life--nothing exciting, I assure you--that I wish to write, but I have a headache so I'm going to go watch "Parks and Rec" and hopefully fall asleep on the sofa. It'll be good.

Friday, November 12, 2010

parks and rec

I've fallen in love with yet another television show: Parks & Recreation. It's made by the same people who are involved with "The Office" except, well, it's better. The Office has lost its steam but Parks & Rec just gets better and better. The characters are hilarious, the storylines impeccable, and Aubrey Plaza is a Grade-A fox. So how did I spend my day off? Parks and Rec. I watched about fifteen, maybe twenty episodes, taking a break for a coffee run, hitting up the bank in preparation for the weekend, and getting some Chipotle. I'm looking forward to this weekend: a short shift tomorrow (6:30-12:15) followed by a short work meeting 3-5:00 at Milano's. I just remembered that, must not forget. Dad is having a bunch of high school guys over for "Discipleship Weekend" and Amanda is coming into town tonight (though we won't be able to hang out till tomorrow evening after we're both done with work). I'm looking forward to spending time with her tomorrow night and Sunday.

I did some work on "Re:framing Repentance" but am pretty exhausted with it. I'm 2/3 done, and I've reached a point where I'm running out of steam. I know I should take a step back, but I literally have to force myself to do that. I'm a weird sort of workaholic, but only on things that take a lot of effort, have little fruit, and don't make me any money. Perhaps my priorities need to be shaken up a bit. Regardless, when I commit to something--at least, a writing project--I commit 100%, and being this close to done with the first rough draft makes me want to just drink lots of coffee, get little sleep, and drive the book to the ground. But I know that my writing will be affected if I do that, and I know that there's still so much work that needs to be done that the best bet would be to just step back, take a breath, enjoy some time off, and then get right back into the game. 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

re:framing repentance, part IV

My book on repentance continues to slowly come together. I'm 2/3 of the way through, at 449 pages manuscript-style (it'd be around 240 pages publication). The book is divided into three parts: (1) laying the groundwork for defining repentance, (2) defining repentance, and (3) looking at the practice of repentance. Tomorrow I hope to knock out the first chapter (Ch. 12) of the last third of the book. The layout of the second section looks like this:

Chapter Six: Repentance: False Trails (8 pgs). This chapter is about three popular misconceptions regarding repentance. (1) repentance as feeling sorry for sin, (2) repentance as simply changing one's mind about Jesus, and (3) repentance as the actual change of behavior.

Chapter Seven: The Meaning of Repentance (20 pgs). With the misconceptions out of the way, in Chapter Seven I define repentance as turning from love of self/idols to love of God

Chapter Eight: Repentance & Loving God (8 pgs). This chapter takes some of the principles laid down in Chapter Seven and expands upon them, first and foremost the question of what it means to love God. I contrast love of self/the world with love of God, examining both in the context of how they are revealed in one's life. This leads to the conclusion that loving God is basically the same thing as devotion to God. This chapter is actually an essay, rewritten and revised, that I wrote back in February this year.

Chapter Nine: Repentance & Faith (21 pgs). This chapter is one of the longest of the book, and I'm shocked that I literally wrote it in a single night (from 9:00 PM to 3:00 AM). I define faith in Christ as commitment, loyalty, and allegiance to Christ. This is the chapter I'm most proud of, and it serves as a sort of framework for the next book on this series, "Re:framing Faith." At the end of this chapter I bring the threads of the last two chapters--repentance and loving God--into a coherent shape. Loving God means being devoted to him. Devotion speaks of loyalty and allegiance. Thus repentance is the decision to put one's loyalty and allegiance in God, revealed in Jesus Christ. That's a really brief summary, but I take it quite thoroughly and step-by-step in the chapter.

Chapter Ten: The Consequences of Repentance (43 pgs). While Chapter Nine is one of the longest of the book, Chapter Ten whoops all the others in its length. I didn't intend for this chapter to be so long, and despite much summarizing, it still turned out being the longest. This chapter examines the consequences of repentance/not repenting--and I mean "consequences" as the results of something, not necessarily negative results as the term often connote. I examined what one could expect, temporally and eschatologically, if he or she repented (or didn't repent).

Chapter Eleven: The Choice of Repentance (24 pgs). This is one of the weakest chapters, I'll admit, but it is still integral to the book, and it has its high points (I'm too much of a perfectionist sometimes). Here I look at several reasons why people choose to repent and several reasons why people choose not to repent. I also tackle the question of predestination/free will and the role of the Holy Spirit in the decision to repent. 

With the second section done, I'm eager to launch into the last part of the book, though I know this will be the most difficult. I'm not too good with practical things. Give me abstractions and concepts, and I'll excel. Give me concrete, pragmatic things, and I'll end up confused and, most often, physically injured. I'm still trying to decipher a coherent manner of piecing together the last third of the book. So far each chapter has built upon the next, the book barreling along like a sweltering crescendo; but there are so many interwoven themes and different angles of approach that such a process would just leave the reader in a cesspool of confusion. *sigh* I'm sure I'll figure it out. 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

the rusty bucket

Tyler and I went to The Rusty Bucket for dinner. He had a burger and I had a Great Lakes Christmas Ale with some hummus. We had great conversation about (a) life, (b) ministry, and (c) girls. I felt pretty buzzed by the time we were done--the good beer coupled with eating barely anything today turned me into a sort of lightweight--so I had him drive us back to my place. Dylan met up with us there and we finished the night off with some Killian's and enjoyed the beautiful weather on the front porch. It was a great evening. I've really developed a taste for beer lately, but not for the cheap, watered-down smut known as Lite beers. Not a big Miller or Bud fan. The last time I went to Rusty Bucket was when I first moved home. Dylan and I met up for some drinks--he had a Great Lakes and I had a double shot of bourbon. At the time I was an emotional wreck, dealing with all sorts of hell from every direction. I remember the night perfectly: crisp and cold, with scattered clouds, snowflakes sprinkling. Those were the days I would drink Nyquil to fall asleep at night because otherwise the stress would keep me awake (I'd drink half a bottle a night!). After we went to Rusty Bucket back in February we went across the lot to the bookstore and perused maps of Alaska and I dreamt of Alaska, escaping to that far-away and beautiful land, and Dylan cornered me and said, "Things are going to get better for you, man. I just know they are." Things continue to get better. God continues to bless me. I'm thankful for where I'm at and thankful for his forgiveness when I'm ungrateful for all that he's given me. And now a snapshot of our conversation on the porch:

Me: "Do you think animals will eat each other in the new heavens and new earth?"
Dylan: "There won't be any animals. Because they don't have souls."
Me: "Are you just saying shit to piss me off?"
Dylan: "Yeah."

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

my family, a car, and the peace corps

My aunt and grandma came into town Sunday through today, and we enjoyed some good laughs and some good food. Chipotle and pizza (and some ice cream) yesterday and China Cottage today. All of it so good yet so bad. I need to kick my butt in gear to keep stable at 135 pounds. The last thing I want to do is slip into my old habits. Looks like my diet will consist of eggs, grilled fish, and vegetables the rest of the week. It's a good thing I actually like all that. 

I may be getting a new car by the end of the week. I'm pretty certain I will, actually. My good friend Patrick is hooking me up with one of his family's car. A 1992 Celica in pretty decent shape; wonderful shape compared to my beat-up, rusted-out hulk of metal known as my Geo Prizm. My car isn't even safe enough to be on the road but yet I drive it. The entire undercarriage is rusted out and I continually hear pieces of it falling out while I'm driving. The mechanic (two of them, actually) said one day the undercarriage will just completely fall out and my car will be toast. "Don't drive it!" they said, but I have a job and there isn't bus transportation in the suburbs. So I'm very thankful that this opportunity for a new car has arisen and am praying that it'll work out. Hopefully by this time next week it'll be in my hands. I remember when I got my new Prizm. It was a nice car back then; but that was three years ago (three and a half) and much has gone wrong with it since.

Dylan got accepted into the Peace Corps. As long as everything goes to plan, he'll be shipping out to sub-Saharan Africa to do HIV/AIDS awareness work. He's pretty pumped, and the peace corps sounds like a pretty great gig. I remember wanting to do it when I graduated high school, but my plans were sideswiped by a call to vocational ministry. Turns out that I wouldn't even be accepted, since I'm diagnosed bipolar. Ah well. At least I didn't waste time pursuing it. I'm excited for him, super excited, and envious, too (note last blog post). He came over this evening after work and we shared some Great Lakes Christmas Ale in celebration. He'd never had it before and was greatly impressed. Sadly all the Ale is gone now, but I may pick some up tomorrow after work. 

Monday, November 08, 2010

the dayton days [41]

one of my infamous butt texts to Blake
Monday. I met Mandy at 10:30 for sushi from her work: Soho Sushi, located in Carew Tower downtown. I had a california roll and a spicy tuna roll with edamame. I visited Rob down the street at Tazza Mia. "Apply here," he said. I might. I hung out with Cory & Blake at the Claypole House and perused Newport on the Levee before meeting up with Mikaela at the Mariemont Starbucks. It was good catching up: school, relationships, stoicism. We parted ways--"Keep in touch!"--and I hung out with Ams, Blake, Amos & Tony before heading back to Dayton. I'm going to apply at Tazza Mia. Rob said I could maybe get on full time at the Carew Tower location. It'd get me back in Cincinnati. 

Tuesday. I went and voted because Mom said I had to or she might lose her job. Dylan came over, and we smoked pipes and played Wii and had chicken and potatoes for dinner. He has a Peace Corps interview on Monday. I rejoined Plenty of Fish and OKCupid. Maybe I'll get lucky and find a great girl. But probably not. Tomorrow's my last day of vacation, but I'm ready to go back to work. 

Wednesday. I spent the day watching TV and running errands. Sushi for dinner. Mom had her small group. Not a thrilling day, but a good end to vacation. Wisconsin may not have happened, but it's been good nonetheless.

Thursday. Tony B. at work has been promoted to a shift. I worked there months before him. Jessica came on after me, was all but immediately promoted. Had I been promoted, I could've gotten my own place. Obviously there's frustration: I've consistently gotten great reviews, am one of the strongest baristas, am well-liked, albeit not well-liked enough. Promotion is, as is generally the case, about who's the most popular. Faith & Jessica were like pals right off the bat. Tony's beloved by all, very outgoing. I'm not frustrated with Tony or Jessica, more-so with how promotions are orchestrated. I'm introverted, and that's my downfall. Anyways, to the point: I've been letting this consume me, anger me, depress me, and God just said, "STOP." I'd like to think he has his own reasons for keeping me out of the loop, but I'm a cynic and won't go there. The Spirit convicted me of allowing my mind to continue operating in lieu of "this present age," where one's rank, income, and employment determines worth. My focus shouldn't be on "how to get ahead" but "how to be who I am created to be"--namely, a flourishing human being who's advancing God's kingdom (the two go together). It's like Paul says in Colossians 3: don't focus on the present age but on the age to come, the age that has broken into the present. My focus shouldn't be MY kingdom and MY desires and MY dreams but God's kingdom, his desires, his dream. The goal here isn't to "get ahead" but to "get complete," becoming a fully-flourishing human being, and becoming this through suffering, diligence, and patience. My mind, as St. Paul says in Romans 12.1-2, needs to be renewed.

Friday. Mom & I got steak dinners at Lone Star Steakhouse. Dad's out of town for a race. We made a pit-stop by Starbucks on the way home, and she got herself a green tea latte (she's obsessed with them). Rob called me, told me to send my resume to Bob, the owner of Tazza Mia, right away, so I did. Fingers crossed. I'd love to move back to Cincinnati and be with everyone again.

Saturday. I opened with J.J., the shift starting out slow, but then we were slammed. Dewenter came over, and we got lunch at the Sushi Cafe by the Mall and went to DLM for some Chimay beer and drank it at the house while playing Mario-Kart. He left and I read for a while with a beer by the fireplace. So cold outside! Mom made potato soup and I fixed a grilled cheese and we watched "Zombieland." 

Sunday. I grabbed an iced soy chai from work before going to Southwest. Church was great, but I miss the days when I taught; maybe I can shoot for youth ministry? I miss those innocent days, when I was so hopeful. I was going to get married, work at a church, build a family. I'd get close, and then it'd slip through my fingers. If not for fucking things up with Courtney, we'd probably be married with a baby by now. Damn it. I went by Dewenter's after church. His dad's selling a car, a 1992 Toyota Celica, and I might buy it. Only $1000. Dewenter came over to my place for some Wii and beer. Aunt Teri & Grandma are here tonight; great aunt Ethel's in the hospital again. Mandy told me that Bob from Tazza Mia asked Rob about me, and Rob said, "You should hire him." Maebe's scared shitless by Tanner.

where we're headed

Over the last several years, we've undergone a shift in how we operate as a family. We're coming to what we hope is a better underst...