journal entry - 11.13

Maybe it's just another cycle--or even just the winter dregs--but I can't help but notice the cyclical nature of my life thus far. 'Round and 'round we go. Different faces. Different sceneries. Different subplots. But the overarching storyline remains the same: disappointment in every arena of life. Even the faintest hopes are disemboweled and gorged upon. I'm tired of everything being so damn cyclical. I want geographical movement. I want the story to GO somewhere. A few twists and turns would be nice. A few joyful surprises wouldn't turn me off. Anything but this cyclical rhythm. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round and can't get off while everyone outside is living it up or at least on their way somewhere. Mom says I get way too complacent. Maybe, or perhaps I've just learned that it doesn't matter how hard you try, no matter how close you get, things won't change. Now, of course, I know that's not true. But its how I feel anyways, as if that matters. All I'm saying is that no matter how much "steam" you have, if your every effort is thwarted or ground to dust, you'll start losing your steam. Become long-winded, strained, exhausted, and then you'll collapse. Melancholy? Sure. But honest. I need a long-lasting manic cycle to get me out of this rut. In the end, what I want is change. I want the cycle to break. I want what has escaped my grasp despite my hard work, prayers, and resilience (a resilience which threatens to snap). Is there hope? Yes. There IS hope. "Remember, remember, the dumpster of November." The lament of Job 17.15-16--"Where is my hope?"--is answered by the first hints of dawn outside a smoldering Jerusalem in Lamentations 3.22-26: "There is hope in God. Remember!" My meltdown at the dumpster was a meltdown of hopelessness. Hope had seemingly abandoned me, and it felt--more than ever--that God had, too. And then, when it reached its pinnacle of hell, God acted--to my astonishment and thanksgiving, for his praise and glory. The world may be dark but there is light. "Hope in the LORD. Wait for the LORD. And watch him work."