a nightmare

Last night I dreamt two of my exes, both married now, showed up at my house and began mocking how I hadn't even come close to achieving any of my dreams. I woke up depressed and couldn't go back to sleep so I went out onto the front porch and smoked a cigarette and drank French-pressed Breakfast Blend and watched the sunrise. I went to work when they opened and got six shots espresso and finished "After You Believe" by N.T. Wright (review coming soon!) and felt much better. I don't think about any of them anymore. I dated Julie four years ago and Courtney three years ago. I haven't talked to any of them in ages (though I sat next to Courtney at a recent wedding; we didn't talk nor even look at one another, it was as if we'd never even met). I don't know why these dreams are accosting me. They're sad and they make me sad, but at least the sadness disperses once the sun rises. I really wish the dreams would stop, or at least be replaced by something better: zombies or werewolves or aliens. Those dreams are always exciting and I wake up energized.

I finished "Chapter 12" in my book this morning (seeing as I was wired by 8:00 with everyone else sleeping). Apparently the caffeine lurched me from my lack of inspiration and energy regarding the book. Now it's only 10:00 and I only have a handful of things to do: clean my room, clean out my car, maybe eat lunch while watching "Parks and Recreation." My room is cluttered, and I can't stand it. A cluttered room makes me feel as if my life is cluttered. It's symptomatic of cluttered thoughts, thoughts generally about my current state-of-affairs and how I want things to change. I've written a lot about this lately--epitomized in countless journal entries regarding hope--and I'm going to share a few of them on here this week. "Bear my soul," you could say. It's all good and well. I don't mind being transparent. As many people may scold me for it, countless others are encouraged and strengthened. And if God is allowing me to go through this time in my life, and if he has also endowed me with a talent for writing, then I'd better put two and two together and perhaps advance his kingdom, albeit in small and barely discernible ways.