Today hasn't been such a good day. In fact, in all reality, today was probably the worst day I've had in a few years. It all started out great. I woke up with a smile on my face and headed out the door. I sat beside Ashley in Acts class and she seemed a little distant; something didn't rest right. She was quiet throughout the rest of the morning, but I didn't think much of it. "She's just tired." Around 1:00 P.M., she sent me a text message that pretty much said that she didn't want to date at all. She'd changed her mind about the whole thing.
I have thought Ashley was pretty since the first day I saw her during Early Week. I always wanted to talk to her but could never spurn the courage. Sometime in October, she and I started talking once she initiated it. I already thought she was pretty, but as I got to know her, I liked her more and more. I didn't think she liked me, and through a weird twist and turn of events, she came to know. She told me she liked me, too, and we talked till 5:00 Friday morning. I wanted to be sure she really liked me, and that she liked me more than she liked other boys. She pretty much said yes. The next weekend I went to her hometown in Indiana. Her family and friends loved me and we spent a lot of time together. I came to like her even more. Things were looking up for this week and I dared to believe that things were about to change. I thanked God for bringing her into my life and I thanked Him for finally lending an ear to five years of prayers for help. And then today I heard the news that, no, things weren't changing.
The fact that she "changed her mind" because she liked someone else more hurts. The fact that I thought that there was something special brewing, then shown that I was wrong, hurts. But that's not what hurts the most. What hurts the most is that for five years, I've desired romance. I've desired to share in one of these special relationships. My hand-written journals record my struggles and my tears as I crave a girl to treat right and to love with a real love, but I see all my friends leaving me alone for their girls, and then--on top of that!--I am forced to watch as those who only use girls as sex-toys use and abuse them. It makes me angry that God will let them get away with it but won't let me treat a girl right. For five years I've prayed that my fate would change, that things would change. Without this romance, I feel empty, hollow, incomplete, and it hurts. I am made for this kind of relationship. It's how God has designed me. For five years I prayed for this, and beginning in October, I thought God was beginning to act.
It really, truly hurts me. As I drove home for Applebee's with my sister and my best friend Chris, I wept. I wept because I don't understand why God makes me like this, makes it to where I hurt when I am alone. I wept because I don't understand why he will make me like this and then seemingly abandon me to suffer. I wept because I don't understand why he put Ashley into my life, gave me sweet tastes of what I have always desired, then tore her away or at least allowed her to be torn away at the last moment, only increasing my sufferings. Yesterday I wept tears of joy; today I wept tears of sorrow.
I am so thankful for so many great friends here on campus who are beside me in my pain: John, Caleb, Brian, Forest, to name a few. And I am especially thankful for Mom and Dad, who called repeatedly until I succumbed to answer my phone. I am thankful for Mom, who embraced me and shared my pain. I am thankful for my dear little sister and for my best friend Chris, who took me out to eat, paying the bill. Through all these people I don't find the answers to my questions (questions that all revolve around why???), but I experience the love of God coming through, embracing me, and experiencing the sorrow alongside me.
I have thought Ashley was pretty since the first day I saw her during Early Week. I always wanted to talk to her but could never spurn the courage. Sometime in October, she and I started talking once she initiated it. I already thought she was pretty, but as I got to know her, I liked her more and more. I didn't think she liked me, and through a weird twist and turn of events, she came to know. She told me she liked me, too, and we talked till 5:00 Friday morning. I wanted to be sure she really liked me, and that she liked me more than she liked other boys. She pretty much said yes. The next weekend I went to her hometown in Indiana. Her family and friends loved me and we spent a lot of time together. I came to like her even more. Things were looking up for this week and I dared to believe that things were about to change. I thanked God for bringing her into my life and I thanked Him for finally lending an ear to five years of prayers for help. And then today I heard the news that, no, things weren't changing.
The fact that she "changed her mind" because she liked someone else more hurts. The fact that I thought that there was something special brewing, then shown that I was wrong, hurts. But that's not what hurts the most. What hurts the most is that for five years, I've desired romance. I've desired to share in one of these special relationships. My hand-written journals record my struggles and my tears as I crave a girl to treat right and to love with a real love, but I see all my friends leaving me alone for their girls, and then--on top of that!--I am forced to watch as those who only use girls as sex-toys use and abuse them. It makes me angry that God will let them get away with it but won't let me treat a girl right. For five years I've prayed that my fate would change, that things would change. Without this romance, I feel empty, hollow, incomplete, and it hurts. I am made for this kind of relationship. It's how God has designed me. For five years I prayed for this, and beginning in October, I thought God was beginning to act.
It really, truly hurts me. As I drove home for Applebee's with my sister and my best friend Chris, I wept. I wept because I don't understand why God makes me like this, makes it to where I hurt when I am alone. I wept because I don't understand why he will make me like this and then seemingly abandon me to suffer. I wept because I don't understand why he put Ashley into my life, gave me sweet tastes of what I have always desired, then tore her away or at least allowed her to be torn away at the last moment, only increasing my sufferings. Yesterday I wept tears of joy; today I wept tears of sorrow.
I am so thankful for so many great friends here on campus who are beside me in my pain: John, Caleb, Brian, Forest, to name a few. And I am especially thankful for Mom and Dad, who called repeatedly until I succumbed to answer my phone. I am thankful for Mom, who embraced me and shared my pain. I am thankful for my dear little sister and for my best friend Chris, who took me out to eat, paying the bill. Through all these people I don't find the answers to my questions (questions that all revolve around why???), but I experience the love of God coming through, embracing me, and experiencing the sorrow alongside me.
At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light. A silver lining sometimes isn't enough to make some wrongs seem right. At times life's unfair and you know: it's plain to see. 'Hey, God, I know I'm just a dot in this world; have you forgot about me?' Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, and now I'm on my knees again. But I know I must go on. Although I hurt I must be strong, because inside I know that many feel this way. - Creed, Don't Stop Dancing
4 comments:
Anth,
You know I will ALWAYS be here for you! I love you! Even though you are hurting now, please remember that GOD is with you! He knows His plans for you! He will never forget you! He loves you! Love, Mom
Man, I dont see my name up there in that list....ANth, like we talked about today, it takes so much time to find the right girl. But the good thing is, is that there is for sure someone God has for you. Somewhere in this world she is waiting for you.
Dude your name didn't need to be on the list :) Everyone knows you're my number 1 source of comfort :)
Hey bro,
I dont think there is anything witty or clever I can say...just know that I've felt these pains as you have. I'm not a ladies man by any means, I've made alot of wrong choices with certain girls and believe me I know what it feels like. I'm in the same boat man, except I'm pouring out that love unto God...Keep going man, I know it's cliche' but never give up. Like I always told you, you will probably have the most beautiful wife out of any of us friends!!! God bless.
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