Monica and Jessica Cadwell—two friends from my school—taught the Jr. High class for a school project. While I don’t know Jessica that well, she seems like a pretty cool girl. I embraced the opportunity to teach the High School students, and I taught on the “Red Sea Showdown” between Yahweh and the Egyptian goddess Hathor. Because of the parent-child dedication, we only had thirty minutes to teach instead of fifty, so I was forced to rush the story and the questions, and I felt like it had come out as rubbish (depressing, because I was really excited to teach this lesson). My spirits were lifted, however, when I learned that many new kids enjoyed it, Jackie was focused, and Megan found it extremely interesting. Nathan told me the lesson was amazing: “My dad is a youth minister, and he’s never done a lesson that well.” I don’t see how they liked it so much, because I felt rushed and pressed-for-time, but I guess GOD had my back. It is encouraging to see that He still works through me despite my imperfections. As I dismissed them, I closed with this: “Just as the Egyptians worshipped many different gods, so we, too, worship many different gods today. We worship the god of wealth, the god of money, and the god of pleasure. However, these gods do not hold any power, and those who worship them will find no fulfillment. Life is found only in the true God, Yahweh, so serve Him and dedicate your lives to Him.”

As I said, it is encouraging that GOD works through me despite my imperfections. When I look at my life, I see all of the dirt, all of the depravity, all of the sin. I have conquered some sins, but more have simply grown up in their spot. If it is not lust I wrestle with, it is anger or pride. I find it beautiful that GOD forgives my sin, pulls me into His arms, and tenderly whispers, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” How can I not be inspired to run after Him and dedicate my life to Him? David Crowder catches it best in his song Wholly Yours: “But the harder I try, the more clearly can I feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all; and this might could be the most impossible thing: Your grandness in me making me clean.” GOD has called me to His work despite my imperfections; how can I not fall to my knees in worship of such a crazy, insane, loving God?

So I have given up trying to understand how we humans have free will and yet GOD controls everything. I'm just going to accept that it's a paradox (Dr. Weatherly: "If you want a faith without paradox, become a Muslim.") and move on. Somehow GOD has given we feeble humans the ability to make our own decisions, make our own judgments, make our own mistakes, and live life as we please; and somehow He still ordains certain things to happen and they happen. I'm not going to pretend to understand it. That's that.

I went home for a few hours today: Ams and I ate Chinese food, Ashlie and Megan came over, and I worked on my lesson for tomorrow. I drove to Beavercreak, picked up Monica from a retreat, got lost in the woods, then finally made it back here to C.C.U. I am returning to Springboro for a few hours tomorrow to teach on the Exodus (the battle of the gods!) and enjoy some grilled hamburgers. I am teaching Sr. High, and Monica is teaching Jr. High. I'm excited to teach the Sr. High; my passion lies more with them than it does the Jr. High students. I have to get up around 8:30 tomorrow, so I should be getting to bed. My advice? Read Exodus 12-15.

I am seriously considering getting a Master of Arts in Old Testament studies. I'd be able to translate Hebrew. That in itself would be worth the extra two years!

When I say "I am a christian" I'm not trying to be strong. I am professing I'm weak and need his strength to carry on. When I say "I am a christian" I am not bragging of success. I am admitting that I have failed and need God to clean my mess. When I say "I am a christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect, my flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it. When I say "I am a christian" I still feel the sting of pain. I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon his name. When I say "I am a christian" I'm not holier than thou, I'm just a simple sinner who received God's grace somehow. - an anonymous poem

We need to remember who we are.

Tonight I am going to the Reds game with Brian, Megan, and Cassie. Cassie convinced me to go; I was planning on writing my last English assignment tonight during the Reds. Cassie and her cousin Monica lost their uncle yesterday; both are going through a rough time right now. Tomorrow I am going to write the English paper then head up to Springboro to eat lunch with Ams, hang out for a while, then drive to Beavercreak to pick up a friend before returning to C.C.U. Tomorrow I teach the Senior High kids; the lesson is on the Crossing of the Red Sea. It's a chilling story when you really look at it.

Yesterday evening I went to Mt. Echo for some time of prayer and meditation. I met a young man from the Price Hill area, and so I sat down on a picnic bench and we talked. He threw back some beer and lit up a cigarette, and our conversation ultimately turned to women. He is a man who has been hurt by women over and over; right now, his aching heart has been drawn into the arms of multiple women. He told me over and over, "There are no good women in the world, they're all wicked. Every one of them is wicked." I gracefully objected, telling him, "There are lots of bad women out there, but there are lots of good ones, too. Not all men are good, either; there are lots of bad men, too." I don't know if my words helped any; the man had just discovered that his wife was cheating on him, and this led him to cheat on her, and he just needed someone to listen to him and show genuine care.

We talked about the cold realities of life as well. Life has thrown him some bitter cards, and he said, "When life's crap hits the roof, there are three ways we respond: we either fight through it, we deal with it, or we escape." He talked about how he desperately wants to save up money, leap into his car, and drive to the tropics to be a beach bum. I agreed with him: sometimes the idea of escape sounds wonderful! He was a wise man in many accounts; he told me, "You're young, you're filled with dreams, and that's great, but life isn't like that. Life is hard. Life sucks. Life doesn't play according to your dreams." Sometimes I think that's the way it works, though I know that the truth is that our dreams serve more as echoes of our destinies than they do our futures in this lifetime.

I don't know what the future holds for me, and I wish I could decide exactly how my life would plan out, but the truth is, I don't have a clue what will happen. Everything is up in the air. All my plans are for naught--life will come at me as it will. In a sense, this is liberating: I'm free to breathe instead of doing everything I can to ensure the future I want. At the same time, it raises lots of questions with theological undertones: "How does fate play into my life, if at all? How does free will play into my life, if at all? And if free will is totally free, what does this mean regarding my future?" I've always been one of a philosophical mindset, and tonight these questions haunt me.

Hmmm, my future. Maybe it's more up to me than I think?

At times I feel so restless. It is a nearly painful feeling: I feel like I'm wasting my time here at C.C.U. Don't get me wrong, I love it here and am even considering going for a Master of Arts in Old Testament studies (my language would be Spanish). Yet, as much as I love the school and the opportunity that has presented itself, as I find myself hanging out in Student Life, or sitting in class, or studying in my dorm room or at the library, I can't help but look out the windows and taste the world, feel echoes of all the pain, all the heartache and heartbreak, echoes of the thousands of people who are searching for something yet are unable to say exactly what it is they desire. The world spins, people live and die, hearts are hurt and broken and bleeding, and the gospel is real. The gospel is transforming, it is awakening, it breathes life into death, light into darkness, hope into despair; so why do I often treat it like child's candy?

There is a burning passion inside me, a passion to advance GOD's kingdom, but I am doing a pathetic job at it now. I am learning the ins-and-outs of the gospel, but the basics I know, and in the end, the basics are all that I really need. I feel tied down at C.C.U., tied down to Cincinnati, when my heart burns for the youth of suburban America. I love teaching at Southwest Church, pointing the way to GOD, but I feel like I am shirking my calling. I wish I could find a way, an opportunity, to advance the kingdom into the lives of youth here in the 'Nati, but no opportunities ever present themselves. The mission field that I love is miles and miles away, in Springboro, Ohio... And I am here in Cincy.

I am restless. Yesterday I just wanted to up and drop out of college, get a job, raise a lot of money, then move to Florida and get a job (perhaps Starbucks or something of that nature), make some good friends, and start a church. I so much want to plant a church where people can come freely to experience the message of GOD's love, the message of His Son, the message of His kingdom. Maybe it's just impatience. I want this now, but now is not the right time. I don't know. I just want to lead others to the quiet meadows and calm waters of GOD's grace.

I just got back from a wonderful game of "lost boy." A bunch of us went to the Mt. Echo Park woods and hunted one another with paintball guns. My body is a walking graveyard, and even though I got stuck in a tree, it was an overall thrilling experience. We all returned to campus to sit around staring at each other while drinking juices from the coffee shop. Our days here at C.C.U. have been filled with end-of-semester papers and battles on Counter-Strike, a wonderful game I loaded onto my PC. I can't wait for this summer, yet I am sad to be leaving all these great people for three months. I plan on making a summer circuit once a month, though, over the weekend: go down to Hamilton to visit Caleb and Trista, then into Cincy to visit Megan and Cassie, then down to Brian's parsonage for Sunday, and return back in time for work on Monday. I was sitting in Brian and Caleb's room and realized that GOD has brought me so many great friends who are just as passionate about Him as I am (and some far more passionate!). I thank GOD for them everyday.

I am reading Radical Reformission for Evangelism 101. It's an amazing book. Please read it--it's challenging widely-held beliefs regarding evangelism, culture, and Christianity. It is not heresy, though; in fact, the book makes it clear that when engaging culture and experiencing the gospel in culture, we must stay true to the gospel as preached by Christ and the Apostles.

I will be teaching this Sunday. I'm extremely excited.

I didn't go to Southwest Church today; instead, I took my Bible and drove to Clearcreek Park half a mile down the road from K-Mart. I read 1 Kings 1-2, the end of King David's life. I think it's an amazing story. Because of his sin with Bathsheba, he was punished with the deaths of four of his relatives. Not only that, but when he is old and enflamed with lust, he has the most beautiful girl in Israel trying to sleep with him, but he can't "get up"! That's probably the worst curse imaginable! I love the Old Testament; the stories are so rich and beautiful.

I tried to tan today. I don't know if it worked. I'm going to keep trying throughout the summer.

My friend Kyle showed me this. This is a documentary that says, "September 11 was organized the U.S. Government." It's pretty interesting (I used to think conspiracy-theorists were crazy, but now I don't know what I believe). Anyways, it's an hour long and worth your attention; it's very well put-together. Keep in mind, too, that governments have been corrupt since the dawn of time. We're naive to think that our government should be any different. The website with the video is here.

How sick are we when the most popular books among American Christians are about how to get blessed by praying a small section of Old Testament Scripture like a pagan mantra, and about the Rapture, as if the goal of the Christian life were to get more junk and leave this trailer park of a planet before God's tornado touches down on all the sinners? Only through repentant eyes will we see that God has a plan, by the power of the gospel of grace, to build a community of transformed people. (Mark Driscoll, Radical Reformission 78)

My day has been spent so far doing research for a few papers and enjoying lunch with some friends (the food was great, since the Mexican consolate as well as incoming freshman are here). As I sit here, I am trying to decide how to spend the rest of the day: here on campus or returning home? Hmmm, I don't know. Anyhow, I found the above quote both hilarious and sadly true. It's a beautiful day outside, you should go outside and enjoy it. I've been wearing flip-flops; it's something new but I enjoy it. Here are three more quotes from Mark Driscoll:

Every age is filled with sin, sinners, God's love, and work to be done. Each generation has its own resistance to the gospel, and each culture is equally as far from God because of sin and equally close to God because of his love. As Solomon repeatedly says, there is indeed nothing new under the sun. (51)

Since every presentation of the gospel is culturally expressed, the form of its presentation must continually change as the culture changes, while the content of the gospel remains unchanged and truthful. (54)

We are all on a mission with Jesus every day, and we are either good missionaries or bad. (66)

After playing seven games of ping-pong with Cassie (maybe the longest stretch of games I've ever played), I went to the View to look over Cincinnati. My contemplation turned to prayer (contemplative prayer, I guess), where my thoughts evolved into prayers rising up to my God. I prayed, "GOD, give me opportunities to advance your kingdom, and please bring me in Your time a companion in the mission you've called me to, a girl who is passionate about You and Your kingdom, a girl who will encourage me and watch over me and join me in my ministry, a girl whom I can share life with. I pray that until that time You will give me the strength and patience to endure, and I pray that I will use my season of singleness to advance your kingdom." I left the View feeling a sense of overwhelming peace regarding the whole "girl thing," a peace that "transcends all understanding," as the scriptures put it.

We had a guest speaker in chapel Tuesday and Thursday. His name is Bart Campolo, and although I wasn't in chapel (Tuesdays and Thursdays are my only mornings to sleep in, I shamefully confess), my friend Forest filled me in on what he spoke about. Here at C.C.U., the message that flies under the radar is the message that all life is about is "winning souls." Campolo shot that concept down: "It's not all about 'winning souls.' Not everyone is going to embrace the gospel, but does that mean that we just give up on them and ignore them? No. GOD calls us to be ministers, and we can minister in so many different ways. GOD has given all of us gifts to use for His kingdom. We are serving others when we are teaching them the gospel and when we are teaching them to read. We are serving others when we are giving people spiritual food and when we are giving them bread and butter on the streets. We are advancing GOD's kingdom into the lives of others, not just through preaching the gospel but also through being compassionate, caring, and merciful to the hurting and needy. We hope and pray that those we reach out to will embrace the new life found in Christ, but if they do not, we still care for them, help them, and show them GOD's love."

There is a wonderful website out there, churchsigngenerator.com, and they had a page of actual pictures of church signs taken across the United States. This was one of them, and I pray it is a fake, yet--sadly--I don't find it to be too far from the way many Christians act towards those GOD continues to seek. No wonder so many people are hostile against Christianity! Dan Kimball said that the United States is one of the hardest mission fields simply because so many people have a negative view of Christianity. Missionaries here must work two times as hard, to strip down the negative connotations of Christianity and then reveal the beauty of Christianity. It is a sad truth that Christianity is seen as a religion of yelling, judgment, and condemnation when it is, in its fullest form, a life of love, hope, peace, joy, and purpose. It is seen as being invited into a clan that condemns others and forbids enjoyment; Christianity is really an invitation into the GOD-life, an invitation into the kingdom of GOD.

It is my passion to be a missionary in the United States, wherever GOD may call me, to work to show people what Jesus is all about, to advance the kingdom through the bars, the harlot-houses, through the gay and lesbian communities, even into the fundamentalist camps. I hope to be a tool of GOD to advance His kingdom into the lives of those everywhere, no matter their ethnicity or gender or sexual orientation. It is my desire to take GOD's message to people who have never heard it--and to people who have heard it too much. It is my desire to show the beauty of GOD, the beauty of Christ, the beauty of the gospel.

Brian and I went to his parsonage last night to get off campus and just relax. We went exploring in a creek next to his house; we tried to hunt a beaver (we were going to cook it on his new grill), but it got away. We ended up wading downstream, water up to our chests, for about half a mile. When we got out, we learned that there were giant snapping turtles who lived in the creek. It took us one and a half hours to set up a small charcoal grill (we are so mechanically-challenged that we put it together wrong about three or four times, and I hurt my head and hand). We had planned on not eating anything last night, but we went and got hot dogs to celebrate getting the grill fixed. As we were going to bed, a bird swooped into the house and started flying around. The room was dark and we heard its fluttering wings, and I thought we were being attacked. We used a blanket to fish the bird out the back door (it reminds me of the scene in Black Sheep). This afternoon we fixed homemade mashed potatoes and baked beans with strips of bacon, and ate them alongside grape soda and nice chunks of ribeye steak fixed on the grill... Ah, it was nice!

Being out in the hills of Kentucky last night made me realize how much I want to live in the country. It also showed me how fast time is going by. Brian already has a house, a job, and he might end up getting engaged after the summer. John is getting married in about two months, and Price is already married and owns three businesses from his wife's father. I get too impatient--I want to have a youth ministry job, I want to have a small backwoods house, I want to have a girlfriend with whom I can talk about marriage realistically. "Patience, child, patience."

I've signed up for my classes next semester: Basic Bible Doctrine I, Hermeneutics (how to interpret, study, and read the Bible correctly), Advanced Communication (for dealing with people), Survey of Multi-Cultural Literature, and (with Dyke) Old Testament Prophecy. I will be on campus an extra week in one of Dyke's late classes, "Old Testament Poetry." We should cover the psalms, the wisdom literature, and the various poetry throughout the Old Testament; I'll be commuting from Brian's parsonage, thirty minutes south of Cincinnati.

Tonight Brian and I are going to his parsonage in the hills of Kentucky to hang out, watch movies, and throw back in the middle of nowhere. We are going to sleep in, wake up, and grill steaks for lunch before heading back to campus. On Wednesday there is no class because of community service day. Caleb, Brian and I are going to be on a team working down on Warsaw handing out flyers of some sort. If I don't do it, I fail evangelism. Brian says, "We're going to get shot." Megan sighs, "Good luck, Boys." Here's one of my favorite quotes in the book I'm reading:

As my teacher Tony Campolo used to ask, "Even if there were no heaven and there were no hell, would you still follow Jesus? Would you follow him for the life, joy, and fulfillment he gives you right now?" I am more and more convinced each day that I would. Don't get me wrong. I'm excited about the afterlife. We are going to party like there's no tomorrow... And I am convinced that Jesus came not just to prepare us to die but to teach us how to live. Otherwise, much of Jesus' wisdom would prove quite unnecessary for the afterlife... And the kingdom that Jesus speaks so much about is not just something we hope for after we die but is something we are to incarnate now. Jesus says the kingdom is "within us," "among us," "at hand," and we are to pray that it comes "on earth as it is in heaven." No wonder the early Christian church was known as the Way. (117-118)

This, I believe, is the point of the gospel: the kingdom of GOD among us. I am in the process of writing an essay on the kingdom of GOD (as I see it), and I will post it on here as soon as it's finished. I believe the kingdom of GOD is probably the most important message we should preach, yet we often completely disregard it or make the mistake of thinking that it is something we experience only after we die.

my easter weekend

I came home Thursday night, and as I was getting into bed, Dylan and Tyler from Lee University called and wanted to hang out. I jumped at the idea; when they came over, I got a fire started and we smoked cigars with my father, swapping school stories (mostly pranks) and talking about life and GOD.

The thunderstorms lately have been amazing; last night Ashlie and I stood before the back windows and watched the lightning. She exclaimed, "Omigosh, there's a lightning burst seriously like every five seconds!" I actually counted the seconds in my head and said, "They're coming a lot quicker than that." We went to Starbucks in the rain; Dylan and Tyler were there, but they left, so we just sat and talked. At night, back home, I stood in the shelter of the garage and watched the lightning snaking across the sky, reminded of Moses going up Mount Sinai for the first and second times, the message echoing inside me: to His enemies, GOD is to be feared, a whirlwind of disaster and terror and doom; to His friends, GOD is a great banquet, a friend, a sanctuary. It is a great honor to call myself GOD's friend not based on any merit of my own achievment but on the blood of Christ that covers me.

This morning, Chris and I were supposed to go to Sugarcreek Reserve to hike around for a while. He didn't show up at 9:00 as he was supposed to, so I sat around and waited until 9:30. Finally I drove to his house, saw his car parked on the street, and rang the doorbell and knocked twenty times--no one answered. Determined on waking him up, I broke into the house through the back window and woke him up. He dressed quickly, and we picked up Patrick on our way to the woods. It was an amazing time! Nature is so beautiful. This evening I went to my grandmother's house where I stuffed myself on Easter goodies.

I don't know if I teach class tomorrow; if so, the series on the kingdom of GOD continues, including an emphasis on the importance of Christ's resurrection in the scheme of things. Mom is supposed to buy me some sandals, then I am going back to Cincinnati Christian University to clean the room a little and work on a research paper on cheap grace theology (calling it out as heresy). I might go down to the Ohio River tomorrow night with Caleb or Brian or someone, where it's always fun to just sit on the benches and look at the rising skyscrapers while talking about all that life throws our way.

A week or two I picked up this book from the student bookstore and have been reading it constantly, forcing myself to read only one chapter a day so I have time to chew on what the author writes. This book, like only so few have, sends the wheels in my head turning. It is written by a Christian who became disenchanted with American Christianity and decided to take American Christianity and compare it to the radical call of Christ. He says, "We have taken a Mediterranean peasant revolutionary and turned him into an American pop icon." The book has been drawing up wells of questions within me:

"What does a Christian--according to Jesus--look like? What does an American Christian look like?"

"Why don't we really follow Jesus anymore? Sure, we try to be better people, but that's not what it's about."

"Why have we made Christianity so complex when it is so simple that even little children can enter the kingdom of GOD (and they enter easier than most adults!)?"

And, on a personal level, "How much do I really represent the character, nature, and work of Christ?"

Megan and I were talking in the coffee shop, and she told me, "You need to realize that you are complete without a girl before you get a girl. Maybe GOD hasn't answered your prayers for a girl because you would give her His place, seeking completion in her?" At night, I wrote in my journal:

Why have I been looking for completion in girls? How can I be so stupid? Completion is found only in GOD and GOD alone. Only He can complete; a girl would supplement very beautifully, yes, but true completion is found only in GOD! GOD is loving, and He eagerly desires communion with me, so why in the world would He grant me a girl if I were giving her the position He deserves? I'm an idiot, I really am. I don't need a girl. One would be nice--very nice!--but she is not necessary. She is a gift, not like water or air--needed gifts--but like delicate foods, warm spring days, and escape from the storms of life. Not a necessary gift, not at all.

I pray that I may find completion in GOD and GOD alone--not really find it, I guess, but, rather, realize that I've been complete all along! May this felt realization draw me closer to the King, closer to the sweet meadows of communion, closer to the intimate dance between the divine and mortal. I know that joy, praise, peace, hope, and thanksgiving flow out of a life of intimacy with GOD: may I seek intimacy with GOD more than I seek intimacy with any other thing or human being (especially girls).

i am a mystic

You are a Mystic, known for your imaginative, intuitive spirituality. You value peace, harmony, and inner silence. Mystics are nurtured by walking alone in the woods or sitting quietly with a trusted friend. You may also enjoy poetry, meditation, wordless prayer, candles, art, books, and anything else that helps you connect with God.

Mystics experience God best through rich images and symbols. You are contemplative, introspective, intuitive, and focused on an inner world as real to you as the exterior one. Hearing from God is more important to you than speaking to God. Others may attribute human characteristics to God, but you see God as ineffable, unnamable, and more vast than any known category. You are intrigued by God's mystery.

Mystics want to inspire and persuade others, and need to live lives of significance. At times you push the envelope of spirituality, helping the rest of us imagine who we might become if we followed your lead.

Sometimes you may feel a bit guilty about your need for solitude and silence. If so, you probably have bought into the American myth that says being alone and doing nothing is lazy, antisocial, and unproductive. Stop it -- now. Give yourself permission to retreat and be alone. It's essential for your well-being.

On the other hand, don't get so carried away retreating that you become a recluse. That only deprives the world of your gifts and deprives you of the lessons that come from being with others. Some Mystics may have a true vocation for solitary prayer, but the rest of you need to alternate retreat time with involvement and interaction.

What spiritual type are you? Find out:

http://www.methodx.net/thelife/test.asp

Caleb and I went to Mt. Echo for a few hours yesterday afternoon, walking along the creek, swapping stories and laughter, talking about girls, consummation, and the upcoming semester. We're rooming together, and we're trying to figure out how we can design our room to make it "ours." I plan on building a bookshelf to bring in my library, and Caleb wants to decorate the room with Texan apparel; that's fine by me. I ate dinner outside on the coffee shop patio, then Monica and Lindsey joined me, and for five hours we worked on lesson plans for Foundations of Education. I took a break halfway through to play ping-pong with Andrew and Trista. Once I completely completed my lesson plans, I took a walk, enjoying the cool air. I ran into Heather halfway and stopped to talk to her. Cassie then joined us, and Monica and Becky came not long afterwards. We sat and talked for a while, then Heather, Cassie and I took a walk around campus (4 times!). We talked about our dreams for the future: Heather wants to get married and be a missionary somewhere, and Cassie wants to get married and raise a family along the white beaches of Florida. *sigh* I'm going to miss this place come summertime.

This day is to be spent working on a research paper that is due tomorrow and studying for an evangelism quiz I'm probably going to fail (I haven't taken any notes; the class is too early for me to consciously take notes). A few of us might go to Cassie's work, Potbelly, to join her on her last day there. She has a job at the coffee shop and a job working as a babysitter at nights with Megan. I might stay here an extra week and take my O.T. Poetry class; Dyke is teaching it, and he's probably the one teacher whom I can sit through for eight hours a day, five days a week.

In class yesterday, we talked about the kingdom of GOD. There were only fifteen of us (because of spring break), but the kids were active and participated. We talked about how Jesus' primary mission was not forgiveness but rather bringing the kingdom of GOD into peoples' lives. We talked about how the kingdom of GOD bears upon us as individuals, bears upon the world through the Church, and how the kingdom of GOD somehow (in a way I cannot possibly understand) encompasses all of creation, from microbes to galaxy clusters. We also talked about how the heart of the kingdom of GOD is rekindled intimacy with GOD, intimacy with others (in the Church), and intimacy with creation, though these intimacies will not be fully realized until consummation.

After much prayer and contemplation, I've decided to stay in Springboro this summer rather than work as a counselor at the camp. I have made this decision for a multitude of reasons; there are several pros and cons to both working in Springboro or serving as a counselor. I chose Springboro because I will be able to make more money for college while still being able to serve. I hope to start a college-aged small group with my friends investigating what it really means to be a Christian.

A friend and I went to Cici's pizza buffet last night. It was a pretty good time. We talked a lot about our futures. He has considered going onto the mission field, into places like South America and Africa. I told him that I was thinking about being a church planter when I graduated college, perhaps even going to England or Australia. I told him that if I weren't married when I graduated college, I might try going overseas for a few years and serving there. The conversation naturally led to marriage. He wants to get married, but is afraid of it. He has been hurt by women numerous times throughout his life and finds them hard to trust. He has a girlfriend in West Chester, a good Christian girl who is beautiful inside and out. He refuses to date girls on campus because relationships always escalate way too fast. Talking about the girls on campus, I said, "There's only a few that I've met who are really good marriage material... At least in the sense of being the kind of girl I'm looking for in marriage. I personally only know a handful, and they have good boyfriends."

It was a pretty slow Monday afternoon; the brothers on 4N decided to have some fun, and unfortunately, John and I left our dorm room unlocked. Alex Kaufman--no one knows why--had a box full of fax paper; he and about six or seven others piled it high into the room; it took up a third of the room and reached the ceiling!

Nick, one of the tallest guys on our floor, is seen here posing before the tidal wave of paper.

Yes, the paper really does reach up to the ceiling. There's no exaggeration involved. Rob is a tall man, and though he is sitting down, you can see this is still an impressive amount of paper.

As you can see, my roommate John and I were entirely caught off guard.

longing for a better day...

Life often feels like a walk thru the closest memoirs of hell. My roommates' cousin suddenly died of cancer. My friend's grandfather just passed away unexpectedly. My friend's friend killed himself unexpectedly. Two of my friends' uncle is about to die any day now from cancer; he leaves behind two young children and a young wife. One of my closest mentors just lost his friend and grandfather, as well as another friend right after that. Someone I know has just lost their nephew. There are tears spilling everywhere on this campus. Death and suffering stare us all in the face. There are no easy answers, and often there is only silence, the pain gnawing away at our bones, leaving us feeling empty and hollow and alone.

It is in these moments that we must share in the sufferings of Jeremiah during the collapse of Jerusalem, a period of suffering so filled with grief that compassionate women boiled their own children for food. Being a member of GOD's people does not remove us from suffering; we still live in a fallen world in fallen bodies. The Messiah even promised, "My followers will not escape the sufferings of this world." Yet even in suffering, there is hope; in darkness, there is light; in a night of despair, there is the horizon of a better day.

Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul. "Therefore I hope in Him!" The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man to bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone and keep silent, because God has laid it on him; let him put his mouth in the dust--there may yet be hope. Let him give his cheek to the one who strikes him, and be full of reproach. For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. - from Lamentations 3

I long for consummation. I long for GOD to bring about his final, victorious work in history to completion. I long for the new heavens and new earth, where we will never again experience any suffering, any pain, any losses; where we will never again know death, grief, or agony of all faces. I long for the day when we will live in a community with GOD and others, living and working in the earth, living lives of joy, peace, contentment, happiness, and prosperity.

I ate the best-tasting tuna sandwich ever in life this afternoon. My 40-day fast from video games and meat has concluded! Yesterday I went to Mt. Echo to pray and mull over what GOD has taught me through this fast. I plan on going there later today, as well, for the same purposes. I love to connect with GOD in the quiet, to feel His presence and to hear His voice. Bathing in His presence fills my day with joy, peace, and contentment. Here are the three primary lessons which GOD has taught me over this time of fasting:

1) Like Paul, I have a "thorn" in my side. This "thorn" is not some sin or vice, for it is not conquerable my any human effort. This "thorn" can only be removed by GOD, but yet GOD does not remove it. This "thorn", as many of my frequent readers have probably guessed, is my hopeless romanticism. It is my unfulfilled desires for romance that cause me much suffering. I have often cried out to GOD for the desires to be taken away; speaking figuratively, I have told my friends, "I wish I were castrated, because then I would be able to focus more totally on GOD's kingdom." GOD does not answer my prayers for this "thorn" to be removed. He merely speaks to me: "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength is manifested and seen in your weakness." I do believe, however, that one day this "thorn" will be removed, but for now, I must rely on GOD's grace and rely on His strength in times of emotional agony. As to this "thorn" being removed, GOD speaks: "Hope in Me. Trust in Me. Wait--and watch!"

2) GOD has reiterated His calling of my life into the ministry. In particular, I believe He has called me to take His message (as revealed in scripture) to the suburban, middle-class, postmodern America. He has rejuvenated the passion for His kingdom and Name within me; He has spurned me on towards actively advancing His kingdom; He has convicted me of my need to use this period of college to extensively learn what His message is all about, all its trimmings and trappings. He has also reiterated how I am called to be His missionary not only in the future, but now where I am--here in my dorm, here on campus, here in Cincinnati, here in Ohio. GOD has spoken to me: "My will is that you advance My kingdom. Prepare the way for consummation."

3) GOD has been showing me how much I really need to spend bathing in His presence. With all of the schoolwork weighing upon me, my time in "desert communion" (as John Eldredge calls it) has been marginalized. GOD has told me, "Return to bathing in My presence. Return to seeking My face above all else. Return to spending time with Me several times a day." I remember last May when I made it a priority to spend time in lectio divina three times a day. By meeting GOD in those moments of prayer, meditation, and reflection, I experienced true joy, happiness, and contentment despite suffering.

Evangelism made me rather upset today. The topic for class was "missions," and the message the professor gave, and I am not the only one who received this message thru his words, was this: "GOD calls everyone to become missionaries in foreign nations, but only a few people actually do. The highest calling of GOD is to become a missionary in a foreign nation. The reason why there are not so many missionaries is because people don't trust GOD enough. It's the faithful people who becomes missionaries in foreign countries." He even gave reasons why we should leave the United States; he objected to someone who said, "Well, what about missions in the United States?" I have prayed over where GOD wants me to go, and I believe with all my heart that He's told me to stay in the United States and advance His kingdom of love and justice here.

My fast from meat and video games ends tomorrow. I plan on playing Rome: Total War and eating a cold turkey sandwich from the coffee shop. It's been a rough 40 days, but GOD has been speaking to me through it. Tomorrow I may post the lessons that GOD has been teaching me.

I am writing a book on the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am almost done with the first chapter.

I don't feel like writing much more.

Last night my little sister and I talked over AIM. I don't know how the conversation reached this point, but eventually we started sharing our dreams for our life. Amanda's dream involves getting married, having kids, and watching them grow up. My dream involves getting married, having kids, watching them grow up, and serving GOD in some form of ministry through teaching and preaching and relationships. As we were talking, I said something to this extent, though nowhere near as elaborate: "Sometimes I wish GOD would just take me now. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I've tasted GOD. I've experienced GOD. When Paul writes in Philippians that he very much wants to return GOD in paradise, I would always say, 'No thanks.' Now that I understand what paradise really is, I just want to go there. I want the new heavens and new earth--consummation!--to be here now. This life I lead--these lives we all lead--are lives of suffering, heartbreak, and sorrow. I want to get rid of all of this. I want to live with GOD, with others, and with creation in an atmosphere of joy, laughter, and happiness."

I then added, "But GOD hasn't taken me out yet. I think that the reason He doesn't just take His followers to heaven to be with Him in paradise is because He wants us to partake in His mission in the world. And that's why I'm still here: I have a job to do, a job where I co-labor with GOD in advancing His kingdom of love and justice and acceptance into His family."

re:thinking missional-living

I have been chewing on the question, "What does it mean to be a missional Christian?" One of my friends here at college, when asked what his job or occupation was, said, "Well... A missionary... I guess." His words rattled me. We as Christians often miss this: GOD does not want us to just lay back and enjoy life while we wait for Heaven; His will is that we actively advance His kingdom of love and justice. Christians are, at the core, missionaries, no matter age, gender, ethnicity, location, occupation, or education level. We think of "missions" work as being that of going down into Latin America or overseas to the slums of Africa to spread the gospel and show GOD's compassion and love for the poor, broken, and destitute.

What makes us think that we Christians in America are any less of missionaries? Do we not live in a society where the message of Christ is watered-down and fed through an IV-tube to lukewarm masses? Do we not live in a society where pluralism dominates and the gospel is put on the backburner? Do we not live in a society submerged in the "ways of the world," as scripture puts it? What makes us think that GOD wants us to sit on our butts, watch TV all day, and do nothing on our own streets, in our cities and towns and villages and neighborhoods?

We need to re:think our roles in society. We as Christians need to adopt GOD's mission (His mission of reconciling all things to Him, His mission of advancing His kingdom, His mission of making the world a better place). We need to really pursue GOD, to take seriously our role as Jesus' students in the art of living, and we must actively pursue interacting with GOD in His kingdom. We must again become dependent upon GOD's Spirit and power, just as the early Christians were. We must view and embrace evangelism not as something that is done, perhaps as a chore or as a duty, but as a way of life characteristic of the disciples and students of Christ, characteristic of GOD's chosen people. We need to partake in the mission of Christ, using the talents and skills that we have to contribute to the community of GOD and to contribute to the welfare of the world in whatever ways we can. We need to live with and interact with GOD in our daily, mundane lives. We need to live in a way that proclaims the kingdom of GOD, live in a way where we share in the life of Jesus, live in a way that we do the work of the Spirit. We need to understand again that we are not just remaining on earth to wait for Heaven; we are here to adopt GOD's mission and advance His kingdom to all the people of the earth!

A swell of massive thunderstorms rolled over our campus last night. Brian, Caleb, Cassie, Megan and I all laid out on the hill, soaking wet in the rain, freezing in the wind, watching the lightning dance over Cincinnati, acting like complete fools. I also beat Trista in four out of six ping-pong games; she used to always brag about how much better she was than me. Now we have constant competitions; we're do for one tonight. I did not go to Akron this weekend like I expected to; I just have too much school-work to get done: a research paper on cheap grace, reading the first half of Joshua, and working on an outline of the gospel. I ate lunch with Chris, Laura, Kaufman and Megan--now I will perhaps try to read Joshua and fall asleep while listening to techno music.

Tomorrow's post: Missional-Living. It should be good.

You broke the bonds, and you
loosed the chains,
carried the cross
of my shame,
of my shame.
U2 - "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"