Why I Hate Church Politics

Let me tell you why I hate church politics. I have been caught up in the middle of church conflict, and I have resigned from the church in hope that I would escape the church politics (amongst other reasons for resigning), but, no, the politics still surround me. So let me simply express why I hate church politics so much.

First, church politics are most often based on personal biases/offences. No one always has the full story, yet everyone who “owns” a story ignorantly believes theirs to be the absolute truth. There are usually two sides in the great conflict of church politics, and extremists find themselves on either side, parading themselves as the holy servants of God bringing order to a church in chaos. However, from my experiences, the “truth” usually lies somewhere in the middle. Our own biases and prejudices, our own feelings and insecurities and upbringings, all of this plays into where we stand on issues of church conflict. Our relations with those involved also play a huge role: “I don’t like this person” usually lies at the foundation of church politics, I believe, though this innocent dislike (for we cannot like everyone!) masks itself behind veils of politics. On either side, these rumors lead the way, and certain events or words said are taken out-of-context and blown up to an insane proportion. I honestly believe that most church politics stem from personal bias, personal dislike for those involved, and a personal outlook on how things should be done. A person in the middle of a conflict, in the sense of being on an extreme side, often sees his or her solution or his or her opinions as the only route to take for the health of a church. And it is this innocent disagreement that stems an avalanche of shouting-matches, back-stabbing, and gossiping that corrode the innards of a church and corrode those involved as well.

Second, these personal biases/offences are viewed as church-wide problems. When a person or a group of people get together sharing the same opinions and holding the same biases, a lot of times these personal biases/offences with the way things are done or how a certain person or group of people handle operations within the church are viewed by the “rebels” as the solution to making the church “healthier, happier, and whole.” The church begins to look like a train-wreck through the lens of bias and personal offences, and it is ignorantly assumed that because they themselves are not happy, then the rest of the church as a whole is not happy, either! However, if you ask the normal churchgoer how they enjoy the church where they attend, they will tell you, “I enjoy it here,” maybe even for a variety of reasons that the group of “rebels” may see as problems that need to be solved!

Third, church conflict has a tendency to destroy people. Church conflict can easily destroy entire individual lives, marriages, and families. In the church conflict that I am bathing in, I have been saddened by the affect the conflict has had on those involved. Personal attacks have been made upon the families of those involved, and one person even commented, “I don’t even care if this destroys the family [of a certain person involved].” This breaks my heart! Church conflict can destroy relationships, and it can also turn those involved into people quite unlike Christ. I have seen people claiming to be fighting for the good of the gospel sink their teeth into people’s neck, maliciously spread false rumors, slander those involved behind their backs, and even go so far as to publicly derail people as liars and hypocrites. How unlike Christ! It really saddens me how this happens. People become angry, mean, bitter, resentful, and self-centered. I believe that it makes God weep. This right here is the number one reason why I despise church conflict so much. I want to see people growing in their faith and becoming closer to God, not letting issues in the management of a church turn them into creatures unworthy of the name “Christian.”

These are my opinions. I may be wrong (and there’s a very good chance that I am!). Often in church conflict, there are real problems that need to be dealt with. No church is perfect. Churches are led by men and women who have personality faults, who have personal struggles, and who have issues they need to deal with just as every ordinary, run-of-the-mill person does. In dealing with church conflict, we need to deal with it in a biblical, correct fashion (along the lines of Matthew 18); slander, gossip, and personal attacks are not the way to go. It is completely detrimental to the church and to those involved. To those employing such tactics, “Shame on you. Seriously. Grow up. Stop embarrassing us Christians in front of the world.” Church conflict is inevitable; but it is my hope and prayer that both sides of church conflict, though divided in some issues, will remain loyal to Christ and to the kingdom of God, and may they band together to advance the Good News of the gospel.

Jessica came over today to meet the family. Everyone really likes her. She’s such a great girl. Here’s a picture of her I took today, so you guys can put a face on this wonderful girl with whom I wish to share many adventures:

So let me tell you a little bit about Jessica. First of all, as you can tell, she is adorable. She is weird and crazy and wild. She loves to have fun, and she even finds my awkwardness and weirdness absolutely hilarious and cute. She is a deep thinker and very smart. We have many conversations about the bible and theology. We’ve been talking for a while now. I first got to know her during the first two weeks of school, and she was one of the ones who stuck really close by me and listened to me during my phase of brokenness following my breakup with Julie. She would sacrifice her time and energy just to give me some peace of mind. One time she even took me off campus at 1:00 in the morning so I could settle down, breathe, and figure some things out. We’ve continued talking over break, hanging out every now and again, and I’ve had lots of fun. I feel open to be myself around her, we’re really honest and comfortable with one another, we have the same dreams and desires in life, and we’re both really dedicated to God and His kingdom (she more-so than I). Strangely, she thinks I am absolutely adorable inside-out. I am really excited about getting to know her over the next couple months. We will most likely become boyfriend-girlfriend during the first two weeks back at school. I’m really excited about it.

On a different note, here’s my “loot” from Christmas (minus clothes and money):

Most of my bounty included many books I have been wanting. On the top shelf in the background you can see Revelation: Four Views, a great commentary on Revelation that covers the four major interpretations (historicist, preterist, futurist, and spiritual); it also covers the three major interpretations of the millennium (a-millennialism, pre-millennialism, post-millenialism). I also received two other books that deal with studies of ancient Palestine in the days of Jesus (The Holy Land, The Ritual of the Temple in the Time of Christ). My other books cover the bottom shelf. From right-to-left, I received four nonfiction books: An Historical Survey of the Old Testament, The Bible and the Ancient Near East, The Distressing Days of the Judges, and Israel's United Monarchy). I received two DVDs (both seasons of the American version of "The Office"), the book All Quiet on the Western Front, all of the Shaara books (excluding the newest one on WW2), Bram Stoker's Dracula, a fictional book dealing with an ancient Roman legionnaire's experiences in combat, and the collected works of Edgar Allen Poe. I also received from my grandma several wonderful museum-quality dinosaur figurines! Yay!

Since Jessica was sick and Mom did not need the car, I drove to her place on Wednesday to keep her company. We watched some episodes of "The Office" as well as "Pirates of the Caribbean 2" (one of her favorite movies). I met her brother Zac, her golden retriever Dude, and her parents seem pretty cool. The family and I went out to eat at a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant. She lives in Liberty, Indiana, a little over an hour from Springboro, and the town is greatly different. It's a small town where everyone knows everybody. The Smith's knew everyone who came into the restaurant and knew the waters and waitresses by name. Her father seemed to like me, which is always a good thing. Some of you are wondering, perhaps, what is up between me and Jessica. So let me put it bluntly: we like each other and want to date. However, we are praying about this and seeing if God wants us together, if He does not want us together, or if He even cares about whether or not we are together. Katy said, "As long as you guys keep God at the center and please Him in your relationship, God will be pleased with your guys' dating." So we'll see what happens.

Today Caleb is coming up to spend the day with me. I have no idea what we're going to do. It'll be good to just sit down and chat with him about things. He's a very empathetic, understanding man. When he graduates Cincinnati Christian University, he is going to become an officer with the U.S. Army (you need a college degree to be an officer). He is going to be an amazing officer. He says, "I'm not going to be a jerk, but I'm not going to be a softy. My mission is simple: to take care of my men as best I can and to get the job done."

Tomorrow Jessica is coming up to see my town. She is going to meet my little sister, Mom, and my Dad. I told her she has nothing to worry about. None of them are imposing at all. She'll feel absolutely comfortable (I hope). I don't really know what we'll do. Probably just watch television, maybe a movie, go for a walk down at North Park if the weather's nice, and just talk. She's very fun to talk to. She is brilliant, though she doesn't let it on. She's weird and crazy, too. I told Amos, "Jessica and I might end up dating." He said, "She's a cool girl. A little weird, in a good way. But that's what guys like you and me need. Weird girls. Because we're weird guys." "Yeah. Your girlfriend Rebecca is weird, too. If we date, we can go on double-dates. All the randomness, weirdness, and awkwardness would make for one heckuva good time."

The past several days have been hectic. Saturday afternoon was spent with my dad's side of the family, Saturday evening Mom, Dad, Amanda and I opened gifts together. On Sunday we headed to Kentucky for a delicious Christmas dinner; on Monday we opened gifts with Mom's side of the family and ate yet another Christmas meal (Uncle Bill did most of the cooking). This morning we ate at a great hamburger joint in Lexington, then drove back home. Chris came over and we watched some of the American version of "The Office." I am tired, but I am going to stay awake till 9:00, because Jessica is having a rough day and I want to call and cheer her up.

This is my 722nd post. I want to commemorate this day, because in 722 B.C., northern Israel officially fell to the Assyrians and became scattered in exile, a judgment upon them (from the hands of God) because of their lack of repentance.

Here is a picture of Amanda and me on the 23rd:

One of my college friends (Nate) wrote this on his xanga. I found it very good:

I am sure many of you have seen the film "Donnie Darko" by now. It is among my favorites and last night I watched it, but this time I saw the character of Kitty Farmer with new eyes. It is quite obvious that she is a character that one is not supposed to like and that she is supposed to look quite ridiculous most of the time. Kitty Farmer is the epitome of what most people think Christians are today. She is abrasive, closed-minded, ignorant, and has her hands in many things. She is a teacher, the coach of the dance squad, parent, and a community activist. Farmer supports self-help guru Jim Cunningham even after his arrest for child pornography and she helps to fire a teacher from the school who did something she disagreed with. How many people do you know who fit this mold or one much like it? At one time in my life I was exactly like this.

In high school, I was what you called a "super-Christian". I was a three sport athlete and good at most of them. I was the leader of three Christian clubs in my high school and helped lead a prayer group every morning in the library. I dressed nicely, spoke with confidence, but love, and wore my ignorant Christianity on my sleeve, just like Farmer does in "Donnie Darko". I made the obvious choice and began to attend Bible College right after I graduated from high school, just like any good super-Christian would, right? I knew how the world worked. I knew I needed to purge the evils of homosexuality, alcohol, and cigarettes from the world. I wanted to set out on a quest to make everyone in the world a Christian who was the same as me. I desired to become perfect. That is what Jesus wants, right?

I think my high school life paralleled that of the character of Kitty Farmer. It is easy to tell that it did, however, after spending a few years at a Bible College in a fairly large city, I changed many of my views. I began to realize that people do not enjoy being condemned to Hell every time they cuss in front of you. Some people can drink alcohol responsibly and justify it biblically. I do not mind it when people smoke anymore. I realized that homosexuals are people too and that maybe I should talk to them instead of wishing them death. Well, there goes my perfect transformation of the world. Jesus is going to be pissed.

In all reality, I do not think Jesus would be angry with the choices I have made. I believe that having an open mind and understanding many things that make me uncomfortable and that I might not agree with at first will help me to reach more people for the Gospel. An effective Gospel today is not one of abstinence from fun and enjoyment, but one that uses the fun and enjoyment of life to show people that Christ is not a stern-faced father, but a friend and guide. I do not want to spend all of my time wrapped up in the dogmatics of Christianity or the specifics of it, but in the practicality of it. Who cares whether or not God created the world in seven, twenty-four days or seven days of a different length? No offense to scholars, but I do not think many people care about that anymore, if they ever did. I care that someone can meet the Christ that allows the to be free of their old problems and lets them live a better, fuller life. If that includes alcohol and cigarettes, I think Jesus would be ok with that (I've heard he was particularly fond of fine wine).

Now, let's get back to the matter of Kitty Farmer. I find the scene where she is in the P.T.A meeting and arguing to ban Graham Greene's short story "The Destructors" from the school. The purpose of the meeting was to inform the parents and teachers about the investigation that would be occur concerning the vandalism of the water mane and the school's mascot. At the beginning of the meeting, Kitty launches into an attack on the story and wants it banned because it could influence students to do evil things. Next, she says that she is just upset because pornography is being taught in the schools. A final thing to notice when she sits down is that the man behind her pats her on the back and says good job. If you have seen this scene you will know how off base and ignorant Farmer sounds in her argument. Now, how much does this sound like most Christian arguments? To me, it sounds surprisingly familiar. It seems that a lot of today's Christians want just about everything banned from society. We must have a Christian society that allows no cursing, violence, sex, alcohol, or alternative views to exist. What are we afraid of? Are we afraid that people are going to turn away from God because they are exposed to another view? Personally, I am confident enough in my faith that I believe it could stand up to anything. Be confident in your God. When you want a Christian society, just remember what happened last time a great empire was declared to be Christian. Constantine did this and it led to the fall of the Roman Empire. When Christians come to ultimate power in society, it corrupts them and they help lead it straight to its downfall. I am perfectly fine with Christianity being a counter-cultural movement and I think it is much more effective this way. As for all the Kitty Farmers in the world, I say to you, get a life and learn to think, you'll be much happier.

Today I meditated on the scriptures that say “The plans of the Lord cannot be thwarted” and “The plans of the Lord always prosper.” Lately I’ve been wrestling with many questions regarding many aspects of my life, specifically regarding different paths to take with my life. Being in a bible college surrounded by people in relationships, couples engaged, and engaged couples getting married. Looking into the chaotic cesspool of these relationships, I always wonder where I fit in. “When are things going to look up for me?” I wonder. “When will I meet that ‘special someone’?” Then, “What if I do meet her, and then I somehow screw up in the relationship and the relationship ends?” Or, “What if I do meet her, but I don’t date her, so I mess up entirely?” And, “What if I end up with the person God does not want me to be with?” I know, however, that God has a plan for my life. He has a special somebody for me. I don't know, exactly, how I'll come to be with her. If the person He wants for me is Julie, then I'll end up with Julie. If the person He wants me with is Jessica, then I'll end up with Jessica. If the person He wants me with is someone else, then I'll end up with them. I must follow the convictions the Spirit places on my heart, let God direct my life, and just have fun while serving Him and advancing His kingdom.

I do not believe God ordains every aspect of our lives. I am not sure if He has a “special somebody” for everybody. Yet I look in the scriptures and see that many peoples’ wives were chosen by God (i.e. Isaac and Rebekkah, Hosea and Gomer), so the idea of God having a “special someone” for somebody isn’t entirely out-of-the-question. I will never forget when God “told me” (in a way I cannot adequately describe; ask me about it sometime) that He had someone special and someone specific for me to meet, befriend, date, and marry. His words to me were, I believe, thus:

“I have given you these desires [to be a good husband and good father], and I have given you these desires for a reason. There is a girl, one of My children, who is hurting and aching. She desires true love and fears she will never find it in this world of twisted, abusive love. I have chosen you to be Me to her—to love her with a selfless, serving, and sacrificial love. I have a beautiful plan for you and for her. She will bring comfort and completion to your heart, and you will deliver comfort and completion to hers.”

When I heard these words, I was—and still am!—mind-blown. Yet sometimes, as my life progresses, I begin to wonder if I was just high on sugar or something. Yet when the doubting begins, much as Abraham doubted that God would bring him a son, God always returns me to those words. In the kaleidoscopic history of relationships forming, evolving, and dying, God is often at work. He is bringing His plans to pass and—along the way—teaching us and transforming us. In the heartaches and heartbreaks, I am being molded into the person God wants me to be when I get into a relationship with this girl.

My role to play is not God’s. No, it is my job to love, serve, and worship Him. It is my job to let Him transform me—despite how painful that transformation might be—into the person whom He wants me to be. It is my job to ride the waves, live my life, and let God work a marvelous work in me and in my life. I may never understand why things happen as they do, but I cling to the promises God speaks through the scriptures: “I love you. I like you. I cherish you. I forgive you. I want what is best for you. I want you to be happy. Trust Me—even though you do not understand, I really do know what I am doing.”

the role of feelings in love

An uneducated look at my last two posts might prompt the reader to assume that I believe feelings do not play a role in love. This is absolutely not true! I earnestly believe that love plays a huge role, but it is not the key player. I found this online yesterday and thought it might be relevant:

Yes, love [includes] contentment, happiness, lust, needed companionship; these are, to an extent, offshoots [of love]. What love is, is something that cannot be put into words very easily. Love is a series of emotions, that when combined, result in the greatest feeling that you will ever know. Waking up next to that someone, and snuggling with them for hours. Looking into her eyes and seeing and feeling absolute joy. Knowing that if you had a split-second to choose one moment in your life to spend the rest of eternity, it would be that one.

Love is knowing you always have that person. The [crap] can hit the fan, but the most important part of your life—her—still remains. You do everything for her, as long as she’s happy.

It is not something you can try to give a definition to. It’s an elusive animal that resists all forms of accurate description. But it is unique in that it will reveal all when the time is right.

So what role do feelings play? It is a scientific error to say that the feelings of love are formulated in the heart; to say that the feelings of love come from the heart holds as much validity as saying that the feelings of love come from the liver! The feelings of love that are experienced come from several different chemicals in the brain working together—such as dopamine or oxytocin (the “cuddling” chemical). As infatuation dies out, some new chemicals in the brain begin working (morphine-like opiates created by endorphins) and through them we experience intimacy, dependability, warmth, and shared experiences. As a couple continues to stay together, they become addicted to these chemicals, resulting in an even greater intimacy and a desire to be together.

So “emotions” do play a huge role in love, but they are not to be the staple. What is the staple in any good romantic relationship? According to my belief, the staple is selflessness, servitude, sacrifice, and respect and adoration.

"Do feelings = love?"

What is love? A feeling? An emotion? I used to think so, but over break I’ve had lots of time to ponder this deep question. If love is a feeling or an emotion, then there are times when, for example, I would not love my little sister. She gets on my case, she annoys me, she drives me crazy, she angers me. Yet even when I can’t stand to be around her or when I’m so angry with her that I want to scream, if someone came into the room with a gun loaded with a single bullet and said, “Which one of you will die?” I would, in a heartbeat, throw her behind me and take the bullet. Love, I believe, is selflessness. It is servitude. It is humility. It is sacrifice. I believe that’s at the root of true, genuine love. It’s something other-worldly, something powerful, something mystical, something supernatural. A power or an influence that takes selfish, greedy, indifferent creatures and turns them totally around: love.

What about in the romantic realm? Let’s be honest here. Romantic relationships begin with infatuation. We are attracted to their personality or the way they fit into their clothes. That’s how boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are born. It’s infatuation. We throw around the word “love” like pixie-stick candy and treat it like it’s something we’re “in.” But is infatuation really love? Or are we just looking out for our own best interests? “This person makes me happy. This person makes me feel good. This person really cares about me.” Infatuation is not pointed at the other person in the relationship but at ourselves. We search for security, closure, and happiness in the other person. However, infatuation dies. When infatuation dies, oftentimes the relationships die. “I’m not in love with you anymore,” my first girlfriend told me. She did not want to work things through. She wanted to end it. No, she was never in love with me in the first place. She was infatuated with me… And when that infatuation died, so did her desire to be with me. When infatuation dies, relationships can take two routes: death or birth. The relationship can expire, fizzle out, decay, dissolve. Or the relationship can evolve into something more beautiful, more extravagant, more wonderful. Infatuation is the caterpillar in the cocoon, and love is the beautiful butterfly it becomes once it hatches out of its shell. The infatuation dies and love begins to grow: we begin to look towards the others’ interests, begin to care more for the other person than for ourselves. We begin to truly love them, wishing their happiness over ours, their well-being over our own. We become willing to sacrifice our time, energy, resources, even our dreams for their well-being. We become something entirely different. The relationship transcends to a higher plain, and an intimacy is experienced that could never be touched or experienced in infatuation. A deeper, better, and more wonderful feeling is experienced, something indescribable.

It’s sad to see so many people at my small bible college basing love off of feelings. It is sad to see so many couples becoming engaged or married after a few months before the infatuation wears off. It is sad to see couples breaking up when difficulties or conflicts come (we don’t live in a fantasy-realm, folks; problems will come). It is sad to see couples ending their relationships when the feelings of infatuation begin to dim. And it is sad to love and not be loved back; that is the worst, most heart-wrenching feeling in the world.

"What do you think love really is?"

“How do you know if you’re in love?” I did some research online, and most people have the idea that you know you’re in love based on a feeling. You know you love someone if you want to be around them all the time, if you want to hear their voice, if your heart flutters at the mention of their name, if your innate desire is just to be with that person for all eternity. Love becomes an emotion.

This all sounds good and dandy… but what happens when the emotion leaves? What happens when dry patches come around? What happens when you just want to be alone? What happens when you don’t have, even just for a moment, those “feelings”? Has your love for them left? Interestingly, psychologists list the seven basic human emotions as joy, anger, anxiety, pensiveness, grief, fear, and fright. Love is not even mentioned! So just what is this “feeling” of love that, for many, defines the very fabric of love?

National Geographic published an article titled “So what, really, is this thing called love?” The opening sentence says, “Scientists say that the brain chemistry of infatuation is akin to mental illness—which gives new meaning to ‘madly in love.’” The article follows the studies of a female scientist—Dr. Fisher—who has devoted her life to the study of lust, love, and infatuation. She has been looking at love through the telescopes of an MRI machine. When she began these studies, she had volunteers who were “madly in love” with someone; she put them inside the MRI machine, and showed them a picture of a neutral object followed by a picture of their loved on. “What Fisher saw fascinated her. When each subject looked at his or her loved one, the parts of the brain linked to reward and pleasure—the ventral tegmental area and the caudate nucleus—lit up.” The chemicals involved in love ignited the caudate nucleus, in which resides a thick spread of receptors for dopamine; dopamine is known for creating energy, exhilaration, focused attention, and motivation. The chemicals involved in love excite the dopamine which brings an even greater intensity of energy, exhilaration, and the like. So love puts you in a sort of high… And it’s borderline mental illness!

This article led me to really contemplate what real love is. “How do you know if you’re in love with someone? Is it based on feelings? Intuition? Or do you just know?” I am reminded of the biblical concept of love, stemming from the Greek word agape. This is the love we are called to have, and it is a love of action. It is a love of selflessness, servitude, and sacrifice. “How do you know if you’re in love with someone?” I believe the answer lies here: “Would I be willing to do whatever is best for them, even if it hurts me? Would I be willing to serve them no matter how much time and energies it would cost me? Would I be willing to sacrifice my time, my energies, even my life for this person? Would I be willing to dedicate myself to their well-being, to their happiness, even when it costs me my own well-being and my own happiness?” These are tough questions. In all honesty, if this is the case, there are only a few people whom I really love. I would gladly sacrifice myself for my mom, dad, and little sister. And there are many friends for whom I would take a bullet in a heartbeat. Selflessness. Servitude. Sacrifice. This, I believe, is the heart of love. Only after infatuation wears off, I believe, can we really know whether or not we love someone.

It's 1:20 a.m., and I should honestly be in bed, because Caleb and I are going shopping tomorrow to get me some new clothes. I have spent the last two hours writing what I feel to be an amazing, intense poem. However, because of the circumstances, I'm not going to post it. If you wish to read the poem, just email me at ajbarnhart@yahoo.com.

I had some really good talks with Dylan last night after the 3rd Place Gift Exchange. He made me think through some things, and he gave me room to vent. I talked to Trista online for about an hour last night. We talked about all sorts of things. I cuddled with Doogie beside the fireplace (no matter what's going on, he's there for me; and, no, this is none of that Lev 18 crap).

I find myself at a crossroads in my life. It's really not that pleasant. It's not so much a crossroads in the physical realm or the spiritual realm, but a crossroads in the romantic realm. I am faced with two different paths, each marked with their own obstacles. Which one will I choose?

I am gaining weight because of depakote. It's a sad story. I guess I'll really have to do the whole organic-dieting thing, fueled by desperation.

Some biblical texts that have really been inspiring me lately are Hosea 13-14 and Joel 2. Check them out. Study them. Meditate upon them. Live them. They're very convicting, heart-wrenching, yet inspiring and hopeful. It makes you see that no matter how severe God's wrath/justice/discipline or judgment is, His grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love is so much greater.

These are the words of one of my friends, Nick. He is currently at seminary getting a Master's in... something or another, I can't exactly remember. Anyways, to Nick: "I feel ya, Man, I feel ya."

The random thoughts are once again prompted by that last great mystery of the universe, the Schumann Response Cavity. Ha-Ha, just kidding of course I was talking about womyn. As I look at how my personal views and opinions on Womyn have changed in the last, say, five years; I am forced to once again re-evaluate the role that physical attraction plays in the initial stages of any relationship, Christian or not depending on subculture, and how one of a more gentlemanly background might attempt to distance himself from this contradiction in the subculture. It almost always (there are no absolutes) begins with physical attraction, what else is there but the sight of a person when you don't know a damn thing about them, other than the fact that he or she can really fill out a sweater or a pair of blue jeans. A Christian (or anyone who is attempting to be chaste until their marriage) admitting that such raw sexuality is indeed right beneath the surface even in Bible College relationships is one step closer to remaining chaste. Not that this raw sexuality is necessarily evil, however it has been prescribed to us by those whom we hold in high esteem that fornication is wrong. It clouds the mind, it ruins young relationships, in essence it performs a delicate action known among our heavier rockers out there as a mindf*ck. In a Christian environment the first justifaction then comes, the "I'm going to marry them anyway, so it doesn't matter." Then panic insues at the first stages of difficulty, followed by the realization of rationalization. Admit it, the sexuality is what makes relationships happen, and when properly and respectfully dealt with, abstinence becomes a matter of choice rather than a lack of opportunity.

In much the same way when one is studying the Bible, it is necessary to recognize a TYPE (do not want any misunderstandings here) of this sexuality. I'm not saying that you should become aroused when you see a GNT, rather what I am saying is that based on what we are we have tendencies to read thing the way we want to, to come up with Sunday school answers for legitimate textual variants and problems, as well as wanting to preserve the traditional interpretations that we have been presented with. We must acknowledge this desire lurking beneath the surface so that we can deal with is properly and respectfully. Perhaps only then will be begin to reverse the trend that cause the world of scholarship to turn its nose up at the word evangelical.

Thus it can be seen that our most vulgar thought can be twisted into a positive persepective on how we think about everything. Perhaps this is a topic for further research by the 434 Publishing group, a division of the Blue Collar Scholars, but how did we get here from my thoughts on Womyn? Those of you who are clever or know me well may have already guessed the engine that drives these thoughts, but the relationship with that one girl (whoever she may be) has been oft romanticized in my own mind. Now in my "older than most of the people who read this" age I can confidently say that the romanticized ideal is forever bullshit. If it happened once I would be surprised, every single relationship is different in its dynamic, and are similar only in coincidental ways. And still having said all this in the bluntest fashion it can be said outside of a third person discourse, I still have that intense desire for that one romanticized relationship wherein X and Y will no longer be problems and my perspective will become a cariacature of what it once was. Someone (me) once said that contradiction was the essence of romance. In light of this it should also be noted that when it comes to love, reason surrenders.

I supposethe only thing that really should be added here is this one fact. I am so tired of striking out, that only with great effort can I now lift the bat off of my shoulders and take a swing. I am still in the philsophical position where I can convince myself that I will ask any woman out, and perhaps thats true but the fact of the matter is that most of the time, I would rather not deal with it, any of it.

Some people just do not understand what "maturity" is all about. It doesn't matter your age, you can be just as immature as a preschooler. This was seen in vibrant fashion today when some people, fueled by disagreement with one of the ministers at our church, posted fliers in the church building saying, "[The minister] is a liar" and "[The minister] is a hypocrite" (if my sources tell me correctly, for I was not there; slept in till 12:30). Look, if you disagree with something the minister says/does, that's perfectly okay. But you have no right to go publishing your own disagreements to where everyone can see them. That is slander, fueled not by compassion and love but by selfishness and bitterness. It has nothing to do with Christ. The only people being "slandered" are the ones who do such things. I am absolutely appalled that someone would do such a thing. Whoever did this should be ashamed of themselves.

Now to continue my studies of the prophet Isaiah...

I have been put on a medicine that has brought me out of the manic-depressive cycles, and it helps me think clearly. I am now able to put aside my emotions over the breakup and not let them control me. I find myself searching deep into the question, “Why has this breakup been so hard for me?” and I’ve come up with four possible reasons; I believe all play into the difficulty of dealing with the breakup.

First, I really liked Julie. I would’ve given her my arm and leg to make her happy. I find myself contemplating whether or not we will become friends again next semester. Part of me wants this to happen and part of me does not, because I do not want to fall for her again or give any reason for the feelings to return. I mean, I liked her a lot, more than I've ever liked any girl. I look around at the girls on campus and see that hardly any of them even begin to compare with Julie.

Second, Julie symbolized Hope. When Julie died, Hope died. For all my life, I have prayed and prayed and prayed for love. When Julie came along, I thought God told me, “This is the one whom I have for you!” I thanked God for this answer to prayer, and the next day she ended it. Hope died with her words, “I don’t like you and don’t want to be with you anymore.” Those words have engraved themselves within me. I saw Hope leave and run after someone else… And I was left broken and bleeding upon the hearth of despair. I am just now beginning to return to hope, beginning to return to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I am not destitute of hope. Maybe, just maybe, Julie wasn’t the one and there’s someone better—someone more suited for me—out there. “Who is it?” I have no idea. But I’m daring to believe that hope exists and that God will stay true to His word.

Third, when Julie left me, I kept looking back on our relationship searching for ways I had failed at being a good boyfriend. I looked at myself and saw all sorts of inadequacies. Feelings of inadequacy clung to my heart in an icy grip, whispering faint voices that left craters upon my self-image, craters that are only now beginning to be filled: “You’re not good enough for a good girl. You’re not good enough physically, you’re not good enough emotionally, you’re not good enough mentally, you’re not good enough socially, you’re not good enough in all the ways that a good girl wants.” So what options did I have? I chose resignation. Sit in the woods, stare at the trees, and brood on all the ways I failed, dwell on all my inadequacies until I fully realized “Hey, I suck and will never get a girl.” Finally, with the depression medicine, some clarity came and I began realizing that I am not inadequate. God has made me how I am, and whoever "she" is will find me adorable, her huggable little teddy bear. Sure, I have some faults (who doesn't?) but God is transforming me daily to become more and more like His Son.

Fourth, a voice whispered to me, “This happened because you’re not a good enough Christian. If you would have only done better as a Christian, this never would have happened. It’s all your fault. There’s no hope for you.” I (wrongly) took these words to be the voice of God. It is said that Satan masquerades as an “angel of light,” simply meaning that he will sometimes take on the identity of divinity to accuse us. I fell into the pit of believing these lies. Yet one day someone told me, “When God speaks to us, He encourages us. When Satan speaks to us, he discourages us.” These words were quite discouraging, not encouraging at all! I am now listening to the quiet voice of God. “I am here. I love you. I like you. I am proud of you. Everything will be okay. I’ll take care of you.”

Marc Estes wrote a book called “…What Now: Making Sense of Who You Are and Where You’re Going.” In the first chapter, he gives several different influences that help mold who we are:

Culture influences “who we are.” He writes, “The culture you are immersed in shapes your life.” He lists several different aspects of culture (educational, entertainment, the media, political, and social aspects) that help shape who we are. In the Western World, all of these help shape who Anthony Barnhart is. He goes on, “You don’t have to go very far to see how each of these areas has influenced your thoughts, taken some of your time, and even drained your wallet. In some cases they have even become more prominent than God Himself.” I remember a day when I let my education become more important than God. The realization of those modern-day idolatry came to me one morning when I was sitting out on the porch drinking a cup of coffee. Since then, I’ve come long leaps and bounds to rediscovering myself in the primary importance of God.

Relationships influences “who we are.” These relationships can mold us in positive or negative ways. The scriptures warn us to keep from close company with those who do not care about God, for their lifestyles, attitudes, and perspectives will rub off onto us. Likewise, being close friends with people who really do care about God helps to strengthen us, encourage us, and sharpen us in our journey with God. Relationships can influence us in other ways, too. Good relationships—relationships that have worked out how we wanted them to work out—can bring good out of us, but bad relationships—in this case, relationships that have not worked out how we wanted them to work out—can turn us bitter, cold, resentful, and can lead to resignation. My relationship with Julie did not work out how I wanted it to work out, and I had to wrestle through bitterness and resent, but thankfully God helped transform me.

Our own flesh influences “who we are.” In the scriptures, our “flesh” does not necessarily refer to our blood-and-bones. A lot of the times it refers to the sinful, selfish, animal nature within us. A nature that is selfish, greedy, overly self-indulgent, and indifferent to others and God. The scriptures tell us that this sinful nature is within every one of us. As Christians, we are called to subdue this sinful nature and eradicate its manifestations in our life. The author writes, “Our flesh is an intense and compelling force, and we would serve ourselves well to acknowledge its influence on our lives and make every attempt to minimize its impact.” Simply turning our heads does not work; we must make a conscious effort to subdue the sinful nature, with God helping us the entire way. If we let our sinful nature go unchecked, its influence is huge: we become more and more selfish, more and more greedy, more and more indifferent. We become bitter, angry, and insensitive people. We become a disgrace to anything stamped with the name of God. And this nature within us corrupts not only us but everything we touch. It will destroy relationships. “Whether we like it or not, we were born with a relentless sinful nature that will pester us until we reach the grave. No matter how much we pray or fast, the sinful nature seems to rear its ugly head in the most peculiar ways… The apostle Paul [challenges us]: ‘Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is true worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.’ (Rom 12.1-2, TNIV).”

The Enemy influences “who we are.” “Your soul’s enemy is bent on distracting you from ever amounting to anything. He works overtime, enticing you to build for yourself a kingdom of material wealth, rather than a legacy of purpose. He develops strategies that entice you to pursue distorted dreams of fulfillment through careers, hobbies, and even relationships. He devises ways to lure you to the pleasures of this world for self-gratification. In the end, life becomes merely what happens to people between the cradle and the grave, rather than a resource they determine to make life count for eternity.” It is God’s desire that we live an “abundant life,” a life that is lived to its fullest extent, a life lived in the greatness and beauty and joy of the kingdom of God. He wants us to make our lives count. Yet Jesus acknowledged in John 10.10 that there is an Enemy—Satan—who wants the exact opposite, and he will do everything he can to keep us from this “abundant life.”

God and His kingdom influences “who we are.” “It is God and His kingdom that should be the shaping influence of our lives. Unfortunately, few allow this to happen.” I myself am one of those few who is hesitant to allow this to happen (forgive me for speaking in complete honesty). How does God want Himself and His kingdom to influence us, exactly? “It is in Him that we have everything we need to live life. His Word tells us how we should think and act. His Spirit guides us, encourages us, and even assists us to see life through an eternal filter. And church guides us toward spiritual health, growth, and maturity.” Sadly, many of us allow the influences of culture, relationships, our sinful nature, and the Enemy to guide, direct, and bring shallow meaning (or meaninglessness!) to our lives. Estes says, “It would be an ominous mistake for us to underestimate the weight and influence of God and His kingdom in our lives.”

At the end of the chapter, Estes asks the reader to contemplate several questions:

“What’s my purpose in life?”
“What dreams do I have for my life?”
“What am I doing now to reach my goal?”
“What really excites me?”
“Where do I spend my time?”
“Where do I spend my money? What do I like to give to?”
“Am I really living life on purpose, or merely letting life happen to me?”

These are questions I am pondering, meditating upon, and searching out.

Elijah: A Living Polemic

The prophet Elijah is one of the greatest prophets who have ever lived. While he did not write any books, his great apologetics for God and his attacks against Canaanite religion largely influenced the tide of culture in ancient Israel. He is a person of flesh-and-blood, with strengths and weaknesses, hopes and doubts, fears and courage. He is a man who almost fell apart under emotional trauma yet remained true to God, finally tasting the rest he so desired. The New Testament speaks grandly of this great character of the faith when Elijah appears with Moses at Jesus’ transfiguration (Matt 17.1-6).

In the days of Elijah, Israel was divided into the northern and the southern kingdom. In the northern kingdom of Israel, King Ahab ruled following the great days of his father Omri. King Ahab had married a Phoenician princess, Jezebel, in order to seal an alliance between his father Omri and the king of Phoenicia. Alliances sealed with deals between princes and princesses were common in the ancient world. When Ahab took his father’s throne, his wife Jezebel—being determined and strong—brought her own religion—the Baal-Melqart cult—into Israel. The Tyrian god—Melqart—was worshipped in Phoenicia; the idea of his deity corresponded with older Baal ideals, so this is Phoenicia’s own “version” of the Canaanite Baal. This is a great tragedy in Israel, for King David, during the days of the United Monarchy, had rid the land of such Canaanite worship; now, a princess from a foreign land brought such detestable worship back. Jezebel hated the idea of her religion co-existing with the worship of Yahweh; therefore, she set out to destroy the worship of the true, living God (even to the point of destroying Yahweh’s prophets!). It is in this great, distressing time that God calls the prophet Elijah to the ministry.

The Baal cult is one of the most common pagan religions in the Old Testament world. In the Old Testament, the name of a chief deity is Baal, meaning “Master, Possessor, or Husband.” Most of the time it refers to the Western-Semitic form of the storm-god Hadad, the chief deity of the Canaanite pantheon. The name “Baal” was often used as the name for other chief deities (such as Melqart, the chief god of Tyre; and Molech, the chief god of the Ammonites).

Baal in the sense of the Baal Elijah deals with is a nature deity. He is the god over the rain and weather. Ancient myths show him dealing in conflict with death, infertility, and flood waters. He always emerges victorious as “the king of the gods.” In the Canaanite pantheon, he is associated with Ashtaroth, Asherah, and is considered the son of the Philistine god Dagon.

The worshippers of Baal and the partakers of the Canaanite religion often worshipped on mountains, with the sacred places being marked with a heavy stone altar, a sacred tree or pole, and a stone pillar. The stone pillar symbolized Baal, and the sacred tree or pole—called Asherah poles—symbolized the fertility goddess Asherah. In urban centers, this worship often took place in temples with a courtyard or enclosure; the temple would include a roofed shrine with a porch and a pillared hall. The altar, stone pillar, and Asherah pole were kept in the middle of the courtyard, and statues of the deities were kept in the sacred shrines.

The worship of Canaanite gods involved the sacrifice of animals, foods, and drinks (sometimes even children). The worship went in seasonal spurts: the gods “died” in the fall and were “reborn” in the spring. During the fall, the worshippers celebrated the gods’ deaths through rituals of great mourning, funeral rites, and self-torture and mutilation (it may have during this season that Elijah set up his Baal—vs.—Yahweh contest on Mt. Carmel). In the spring, in celebration of their resurrections, the worshippers celebrated with sacramental sexual indulgence. The Temples often contributed to this by having male and female prostitutes and special chambers available for religious fornication. Women often sacrificed their virginity to the Canaanite goddess Asherah in the hopes to win her favor in being fertile.

The brutal ugliness of Canaanite religion is expertly described by Howard E. Vos in An Introduction to Biblical Archaeology:

“One may question that those ancient enemies of Israel were as evil as the Bible claims they were but even a superficial glance at Canaanite religion alone ably demonstrates their iniquity. Base sex-worship was prevalent, and religious prostitution even commanded; human sacrifice was common; and it was a frequent practice—in an effort to placate their gods—to kill young children and bury them in the foundations of a house or public building at the time of construction: Joshua 6:26 “In his days did Hiel the Bethelite build Jericho: he laid the foundation thereof in Abiram his firstborn…” (17-19)

The prophet Elijah was born in the backward town of Gilead. The scriptures describe him as a very hairy man who was known by the people of Israel as being extremely hairy!

His first prophetic act is recorded in 1 Kings 17.1-24. Elijah approached the wicked King Ahab and announced, “God shall send a dreadful drought upon the land!” The drought began; Ahab was furious with Elijah and tried to find him, but Elijah ran and hid from him during most of the 42 months of drought. Ahab’s anger with Elijah led him to even explore foreign countries for the prophet of God!

During the drought, Elijah’s second prophetic act took place (1 Kings 18.1-40). Elijah approached King Ahab and asked him to set up a contest on Mount Carmel to determine who the most powerful god truly is: Yahweh or Baal? Ahab agreed. Elijah, the single prophet of God, traveled to Mount Carmel. Ahab, along with many of Jezebel’s favorite prophets of Baal, joined him. They gathered together upon the mountain, with the altar before them. Elijah said to the prophets, “Call to your god. If he is real, then he will send down fire from heaven and consume your sacrifices.” Baal was known as the god of lightning; sending down fire would be something simple for him. Many of the worshippers of Baal considered him the “lord of fire.” Also, they are gathered upon a mountain, a sacred place for Baal. The conditions are ripe for Baal—not Yahweh—to respond. Baal’s prophets begin calling on Baal by standing in a prayer vigil before him. When Baal fails to show up, they begin cutting themselves with swords and spears, practicing bloodletting practices in order to conjure up an answer from their god. However, Baal never shows up. Once the prophets have had their turn, Elijah stands up to bat. He takes buckets of water and drenches the sacrifice and the stones of the altar with water to where it is overflowing. He then makes a public prayer, calling on Yahweh to show that He is the God of Israel, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, a God not to be trifled with. Fire roars down from heaven and engulfs the altar, the sacrifice, and even evaporates the water! The onlookers receive a very blatant message: “Yahweh has defeated Baal! Even if he had not been the king god, He sure was the king god now!” Elijah then turned to all the onlookers who had watched the contest and exclaimed, “Do you not see who the real God is? Now, take these false prophets and slay them!” The people became riled up and attacked the prophets of Baal; the false prophets, those beloved by Queen Jezebel, fled towards the Kishon River. However, trapped by its banks, they were quickly overcome and slaughtered.

As the prophets were being chased down, Elijah turned and faced the shocked King Ahab (1 Kings 18.41-45). “Have a feast, you king. The drought is coming to an end.” Ahab, knowing that the source of his words is from the mouth of a living god, believes him and throws a feast. And it begins to rain. The 42 months of drought is over, and the rain falls amongst the corpses of the slain prophets of Baal.

When Queen Jezebel hears of the loss of her favorite prophets, she goes crazy (1 Kings 19.1-18). She sends a messenger to Elijah with a shrieking message: “You killed my prophets! I swear by the gods that I am going to kill you by this time tomorrow evening!” When Elijah gets the message, a great and intolerable fear grips him. All of the emotional trauma and pain comes crashing to his head all at once. Not only does Queen Jezebel’s evil have a terrifying aura all its own, but Elijah is seeing little fruit for his labors and is feeling quite alone in the world. Driven to despair, he makes a course for Mt. Horeb. He stops at Kadesh-Barnea the first night and falls under a broom tree, finding shade in the blistering Sinai Desert. An angel comes to Elijah—some speculate that this angel is the pre-incarnate Christ—and asks, “Elijah, what’s wrong?” Elijah answers, “I can’t go on! This emotional pain is too much to bear! Please kill me!” The angel comforts Elijah with some food and nourishment to continue on his journey. For the next forty days and forty nights, Elijah continues his flight to Mt. Horeb. When he reaches Mt. Horeb, an encounter with God takes place.

God says to Elijah, “Why are you here?” Elijah answers, “I have seen no fruit for my labors. I am all alone. I am working for you, but I am being persecuted. I have nothing to live for!” God then says, “Stand before Me on the mountain.” Elijah does so, and the mountain is overcome with wind, an earthquake, and fire—but God does not reveal Himself in any of these. In the ancient Near East, theophanies (revelations of God) were often connected with battle, or thunderbolts and lightning, the storm-winds, and the trembling earth. God then reveals Himself in a quiet, soft whisper. While Israel’s God is a Warrior-God, He is also compassionate, merciful, kind and tender. Elijah’s vision of God is one marked with smoke-and-fog, great displays of power, and messages of fire-and-brimstone. At Mt. Horeb, his vision of God is transformed. As the beauty of God’s person is exacerbated before him, Elijah finds the strength to carry on. God then tells Elijah that he will bring three aides into Elijah’s ministry: first, King Hazael of the Arameans would be God’s tool to bring judgment on Israel as a whole; second, Jehu will become king and bring judgment upon Ahab’s household; third, another prophet—Elisha—would take over Elijah’s prophetic ministry, bringing rest to the weary prophet.

Elijah descends from Mt. Horeb, strength renewed and he goes and finds Elisha (1 Kings 19.19-21). The prophet-to-be is working at a large vineyard in Israel, in charge of 12 teams of oxen-plowers. Elijah quietly approaches him, takes his prophet’s cloak, and puts it upon Elisha. He walks away. Elisha, understanding what has happened, quickly abandons the oxen and runs after Elijah. “Let me receive a blessing from my parents, and then I shall come away with you and be your apprentice!” Elijah says, “Calm down. Relax.” Elisha takes a few breaths and butchers the oxen he had been leading, preparing a feast with them. He celebrates with friends and family before joining Elijah as his apprentice. Elijah and Elisha would work together as partners for approximately ten years before Elisha would become Elijah’s primary successor.

Some time later, Elijah reappears to rebuke Ahab (1 Kings 21). He hurls guilt upon Ahab for murder and thievery, for Ahab and Jezebel had conspired together in a very wicked act. Ahab unjustly took a vineyard as his own; his wife Jezebel arranged the execution of the owner, Naboth, through a staged court trial; Ahab then took the vineyard and turned it into a palace garden. What became Ahab’s penalty? Elijah laid it out plain to him. First, a prophecy is made against Ahab: “Dogs will lick up your blood outside the city, just as they licked up the blood of Naboth!” He makes a prediction upon Ahab’s household: “God is very angry with you! All your male descendents shall be killed, and your descendents shall be eaten by dogs and picked apart by vultures!” As to the decrepit Queen Jezebel, he gives this prophecy: “Jezebel shall be eaten by dogs, and she will become like feces on the ground.” In grief at this news, Ahab repents. Because of his repentance, God relents: “I will not bring these calamities upon his household while he remains alive.” Even Ahab tastes the mercy of God!

Some time later, Ahab died and his son Ahaziah took the throne, and Elijah delivered to him a message from God (2 Kings 1). Ahaziah experienced an accident and became mortally injured. He became bed-ridden, and he sought the priests of Beel-zebub—the god of the Philistines—for news on his chances of recovery. God is very upset at this, so he has Elijah give this message to some of Ahaziah’s messengers: “A message from Yahweh: ‘Why did you seek counsel from the foreign gods? Is there no God in Israel? For this, you shall die in the bed in which you lie!’” When Ahaziah heard this prophecy, he asked, “Who told you this?” The messengers did not know Elijah’s name; they simply described him as “a hairy man.” Ahaziah knew it was Elijah immediately, so he sent an army captain and fifty soldiers to arrest the prophet. When the 51 warriors reached Elijah, the captain ordered Elijah to surrender. Elijah boldly declared, “If I am truly a man of God, then every one of you shall be burned alive!” Lightning danced down from heaven and consumed the soldiers. Ahaziah became enraged at the news of what happened and sent another contingent. They, too, were consumed with lightning. Ahaziah refused to give up. He sent yet another contingent of soldiers. When the captain approached Elijah, he fell to his knees, begging for mercy, begging to be spared. Elijah said, “Take me to your king. I will speak with him.” When Elijah entered the presence of King Ahaziah, he condemns the king for his wickedness. The king then dies on his deathbed, and his son Jehoram takes the throne.

Finally, it came for Elijah’s request—his request to be taken to the gates of heaven—to be granted (2 Kings 2.1-14). The time had come for Elisha to take over Elijah. Elijah said to Elisha, “Ask for anything you want from me.” Elisha asked for a “double portion” of his prophetic power; in the ancient world, this is virtually asking, “Make me your primary successor.” There may have been many other apprentices to Elijah other than Elisha. His request is granted! As Elijah and Elisha are walking, a chariot of fire—driven by horses of fire—comes and sweeps Elijah off to heaven. Elisha stands jaw-dropped, picks up Elijah’s prophet’s cloak which fell from him when he was taken, and he put it on. He approached the Jordan River and touched the cloak to the water; the Jordan River split, reminiscent of the ancient crossing of the Red Sea and the Israelites’ entry into Canaan under Joshua. The power of the Exodus rested in his hands!

When looking at the whole of Elijah’s ministry, we see that he ministers in an era of great Baal worship. Throughout the many centuries of ancient Israel, three different forms of Baalism existed. There was “pure Baalism,” where the worship of Baal was the only worship allowed and all other worship of other gods (including Yahweh) was persecuted. There was “Syncretistic Baalism,” the blending of the worship of Yahweh with other gods (such as Yahweh). Finally, there was “Modified Syncretistic Baalism;” this is where two different gods are worshipped but one is viewed as being greater than the other. Jezebel advanced pure Baalism, but most of the people throughout the land held to a Modified Syncretistic Baalism. They worshipped Yahweh and Baal at the same time. Much of Elijah’s ministry is geared towards defending Yahweh and attacking Baal. Elijah also lives in a time period where a purely monotheistic view of God did not yet exist (it would not really develop until the days of Isaiah). Most of the Israelites held the view that Yahweh was greater than the other gods and in conflict with them, or He was greater and subdued them as His co-regents or “employees” of such. Elijah’s ministry is an apologetic for Yahweh and a polemic against Baal.

Elijah supports Yahweh by being endowed with the powers of Yahweh’s greatest servants: Moses and Joshua. Although Moses and Joshua lived hundreds of years before, the God they worshipped was still alive and working, and He would unleash His power if He desired to. Some of Elijah’s powers that defended the authority of Yahweh included the power to create drought or bring rain, the power over grain and oil in the land, the power to resurrect the dead, the power to bring lightning on the mountains (which is a mockery of Baal, for Baal’s shrines are in the mountains), and the power to split the waters (echoing Moses’ splitting of the Red Sea and Joshua’s splitting of the Jordan River).

Elijah’s life attacks Baal in several ways. First, he is protected by lightning bolts from heaven; he speaks against Baal, yet Baal commands the lightning bolts and cannot stop him; it even appears as if Baal is protecting this blasphemer of the Canaanite deities! Second, all of his powers are the powers of Baal, except he uses them visibly and on-command; this mocks Baal and shows that Yahweh’s mere human servant is more powerful than the Canaanite’s version of “the king of the gods”! Elijah’s life makes the blatant point, “Don’t worship Baal! Don’t give in to Jezebel, despite the persecution! Stay loyal to Yahweh and worship Him! It is He who has the power!”

Ever since Yahweh called Abram to follow Him, He has had to deal with the great sin of idolatry. Ever since the beginning, the followers of God have been seduced by false gods. God took Abram down the coast of the Mediterranean, having him erect holy altars in those places sacred to the pagan gods, to show him that He alone was God. When the Israelites were later enslaved in Egypt, and the Exodus took place, God used 10 plagues to mock the Egyptian gods and show how worthless they truly were. Even then some people refused to commit themselves entirely to Him. When Joshua entered the land of Canaan, not soon afterwards the people adopted the religion of the Canaanites as their own, meshing it with their worship of Yahweh—a detestable act! Elijah speaks against the gods of the Canaanites, urging the Israelites to abandon them and follow Yahweh. His message did not result in total success for God, however. The people would continue to embrace false gods. Eventually they were punished for their idolatry: northern Israel fell to the Assyrian Empire in 722 B.C., and southern Israel fell to the Babylonian Empire in 586 B.C.

Katy brought her five year-old sister to school yesterday. As we sat down in Student Life (she studying for O.T. History and me studying for O.T. Prophecy), her little sister mingled with some students playing cards. She started talking about cats; someone asked her, “How many cats do you have?” She turned to Katy and asked, “Katy, how many cats do we have?” “We have four, Olivia,” Katy said. She then turned to me and said in a whisper, “I should have told her we had five cats, because one got ran over by a car but we haven’t told her yet.” Hah.

I spent most of the day studying for my Elijah paper down in Kyle’s room. He went off to basketball practice, so I visited Trista, Kayla, Monica, Shawnee, and Caleb in the coffee shop. Trista and I played a game of Mancala. She called it “Man-say-la.” As she took the game from Caleb, who was working the bar, the game slid out of the box, hit the ground, and 40 marbles bounced in every direction throughout the coffee shop. Rob and I helped her scoop them up, and then I beat her 2-1. Eventually I found myself in the coffee shop, wrote my paper on Elijah, and now I sit here having just printed it off, talking with Kyle and Katy online, very thankful to have the paper done (though it is a really good paper).

I saw Julie today. She was wearing one of the shirts we wore on a date once. A little something flickered within my heart, but then it sputtered out. I told Trista, “I am thinking I’m seriously almost over her this time. Even the thought of her being with one of my best friends doesn’t even bother me like it used to. I’m just like, ‘Eh, whatever.’ I’m beginning to be perfectly fine with where I am.” “So you don’t like her anymore?” “No, I still do. But it’s a lot less than it has been. My affections for her—romantic-wise—are dying more and more with each passing day. My eyes are beginning to open to the other fish in the sea.”

I slept in till noon yesterday because I didn't have work or any finals. I grabbed lunch in the coffee shop with Trista and Kyle, then hung out with Heather, Valerie, and Joel for a while. Cassie and I grabbed dinner and ran off to Bethesda Hospital to visit John and Ashley Price and their new baby, Chloe Price. She's adorable. John and Ashley met in January last year, were married by March, and they had their baby December 9, I believe. 8 pounds 11 ounces. Cassie loves babies and would not let the baby out of her hands. Quite funny. Upon returning, I hung out with Jessica and Kyle and refused to study for my Basic Bible Doctrines exam. I took the exam this morning at 8:00, was finished by 8:10, and then I crept back to my room and slept till 11:00. Today I am studying for Prophecy and Advanced Communications with Kyle, I'm going to Best Buy with Emily to get Caleb's Christmas gift, and other than that I really don't know what I'm going to do.

As I lied in bed half asleep this morning, a great idea for a novel formulated in my mind. It's influenced by The Boondock Saints and the story of the judge Gideon, influenced by the movies Man on Fire and Unbreakable. It's really quite original. I'm going to stencil out an outline today and perhaps start writing it this weekend. It would be something to keep me occupied over the down time over break. I’m also contemplating a good zombie novel and a romantic tragedy (probably not the best idea for my emotions right now, though!).

My "getting over" Julie continues to be a work-in-progress. There are times when I see her and it hurts, and then there are times when I am not affected at all. There are times when I do not think about her at all throughout the entire day, and then there are times when she crowds my every waking thought. Each day becomes easier than the day before it, though not exponentially (if that makes any sense). I’m totally over Sonja and would not get back with her; being away from her presence helped me get over her. I’m thinking Christmas break will help; sadly, living on a small Christian campus causes me to see Julie all the time, and the healing of these emotional wounds is slowed. Oh, and she just walked by and my heart tore. Such is how it goes, I guess.

I am thinking about searching for a preaching internship for somewhere over the summer. It would be a wonderful opportunity for me to really discover if the preaching ministry is for me.

Here’s a beautiful verse I read the other day; it really stuck out to me. This scripture is addressed to Christians who have claimed allegiance to Christ but yet continue to live in pursuit of the pleasures of the world. After rebuking them for their unfaithfulness to God, James gives this command:

“[G]ive yourselves humbly to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. And when you draw close to God, God will draw close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and let your hearts be filled with God alone to make them pure and true to him. Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and sincere grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Then when you realize your worthlessness before the Lord, he will lift you up,encourage and help you.” (James 4.7-10, TLB)

Caleb and I walked beside the Ohio River last night, smoking some expensive cigars, celebrating the coming of the New Year. We ate at Rocket's Burgers, paroused Barnes & Nobles, and discussed biblical concepts and ideas. We exchanged Christmas gifts; he bought me new jeans, a new sweater, a new belt, and new shoes. I tried it on, and he said, "You're looking quite snazzy. Let's wear it to lunch tomorrow and see how many comments you get."

This week is going to be incredibly easy school-wise. I have tomorrow off of work and finals; on Tuesday I have one final at 8:00 and then I'm done with school and work; on Wednesday I have one final at 10:00 and then I'm done with school and finals; on Thursday I have one final at 10:00, work at 3:30, and at 6:30 or 7:00 I'll be on my way home for break!

One of my friends is going through the same kinds of trials I am, and he wrote these words in a beautiful acoustic song:

"He wants to know what went wrong. He's thinking God told him this was right, an answer to his prayers for love, and gone before the evening turned to night." (Broken People)

And these words of David inspire me in these difficult times:

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says GOD, "I'll get you out of trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know me and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!" (Psalm 91.14-16)

I met with Roger yesterday afternoon at the new McDonald’s, drank a coke and ate a double cheeseburger, and announced my resignation from Southwest Church as both a member and a teacher. I explained, “I have so much on my plate right now that I can’t deal with this, too. Teaching has become a burden to me, and I’m not growing spiritually. If anything, I’m declining spiritually. I’m beginning to have some doubts regarding things I’ve always held dear. I am in no condition right now to be a leader for the kids.”

So that’s why I wasn’t at church yesterday. I slept in, then spent some time out on the deck praying. “Look at me, God. I am miserable. My dream girl left me. My best friend betrayed me. I’m growing more and more distant from you each and every day. I don’t even know what to do. I want a different life than the one I lead. You have the right to leave me like this, but you also have the right to transform my life. God, I want this transformation. I do not want to be like this anymore. I am begging you to change my life. I cannot change it; only you can. You have all the power and all the ability, God. You do what you want to do. But please know this: your child—as broken and messed up as he is—is suffering. You tell me what to do, and I shall do it. I don’t want to be like this anymore.”

Emily and I sat on the hill overlooking the city, bundled up to fight off the December cold. "When God sends the trials," she told me, "He sends them all at once." A quiet chuckle dripped from my lips; "Yeah. That's for sure." These trials reveal things about us that may have been hidden. Does God send these trials so that He can just point out our faults with a flashlight? No, He sends these trials so that He can reveal to us our faults so that we can make changes in our lives. Trials are a bittersweet reality.

Thursday night I just sat on my bed and opened my Bible. "God, please just give me something that I need to hear." I opened to a passage in 2 Corinthians 4: "We are hard-pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but we trust that God knows what He is doing. Our very lives are in danger, but we are never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we get right back to our feet again." Encouraging, eh?

Last night I had multiple conversations with many different people from school. Many are going through the same exact thing I am. My dad went through a hard breakup when he was a sophomore in college, and he can identify with my suffering. Everything worked out for him (obviously). I am doing my best to not lose hope. I am doing my best to keep hope alive. Even when it seems like all hope is lost, I am putting my trust in God. "I have no idea what's going on or why this is happening to me, but I'm going to dare to believe that you know what you're doing!"

Here are the beautiful words of Liz Curtis Higgs on what it means to "fear God":

There are two kinds of fear. The sort that stops us in our tracks, turns our hands to ice, makes our hearts thump in our chests. Frightening, numbing fear. And the sort that bows our heads, drops us to our knees, and reminds us who is in charge and who is not. Reverent, awestruck fear.

I find those words interesting. Christmas Break begins next week. I have three finals and a paper to write on Elijah, plus a 3:30-6:00 closing shift at the coffee shop on Thursday. All is well, though. This semester has been a very difficult one. I wish I could go back to the beginning and avoid some things altogether. Heck, I wish I could go back to the beginning of summer and begin preparing for this semester! It started off grand and beautiful, but things went to hell as much as they could. I believe that God will restore me if I stay faithful, and I believe He will do it in a way that is bigger and better than I could possibly expect.

Do you know what I’m afraid of? I’m so afraid. I never thought I would say this to you: I am afraid of being alone. This fear haunts me, eats me, consumes me, day in and day out, judging and liquidating my every move. I fear, so badly, never having anyone. I fear growing old, cold, alone, never tasting love, and dying alone and forgotten in those whitewashed tombs: nursing homes. I am so afraid I will never taste the kiss of a loving girl, the warmth of her body close, be the focus of sparkling eyes and tender touch and shy smiles. I fear never being loved, only watching others parade in fashion while I lie hungering and thirsting and crying in my own silence. I can’t rationalize my fear away; you can’t rationalize the fear of snakes or spiders, and my life’s history gives no alternative meaning: ‘No one wants you, and all who might are taken from you.’ I am left alone, unwanted, watching my friends and their girls, watching the one thing I so intensely desire fall into the hands of others. For so long I’ve lain alone at home in bed as my friends went out with all those who shared affection.

I don’t want sex or making out. I want someone to talk with, someone to hold close, a girl who doesn’t shiver at my sight, but draws close, finding comfort in my arms. When she cries, I want to hold her. When I cry, I want her to hold me. I am a romantic shunned, looking around and seeing sex-mongers cheating the romance out of girls, leaving them hollow, slutty shells – the rape of all good and true. I want a girl so badly, a genuine and authentic, loving and cherished, a beautiful and captivating girl to find refuge in my arms, to cry no more. I want to go to candlelit dinners, to hold her by a fire, to feed off her warmth under the stars, to whisper in her ear, ‘It will be okay.’ I want to love and be loved. I want to tell her, "You're so beautiful and I love you with everything I am," and have her be comforted and encouraged.

Did you ever see the movie Donnie Darko? Donnie falls in love with Gretchen, and she is killed – run over by a car. It is very tragic. This haunts me, sears me, paralyzes me. It comes up in my dreams and nightmares. I am Donnie – weird, socially blundering, wanting the girl. Gretchen is the one I seek; I am the one who’s filled her dreams of weddings and engagements and honeymoons. Then she is taken, brutally and savagely, innocent and angelic, battered and bloodied. This I fear, too: discovering the One – and she is taken from me. I fear she will be taken from me.

Isn't it wonderful when people who call you a "close friend" do something that repeatedly hurts you, and when you go to the person telling him/her how much he/she is hurting you, all you get is a, "Sorry. I wish it didn't hurt you." And they knew it would hurt you before they started, but it didn't matter to them.

The friendship doesn't matter. My "friend" doesn't really give a crap about me. All he cares about is himself. He may say otherwise, but his actions show this brilliantly.

So what does someone in my situation do? Turn my head? Act like he's not hurting me? Well, it DOES hurt me. It hurts like hell. But, apparently, some people just do not care. Some people are so low that they'll hurt good friends just to get what they want.