When my relationship with Julie began , I felt like I was at the beginning of something beautiful. And for two weeks I had the most enjoyable time of my life. Yet two months later, I realize that it was the beginning of a lot of emotional pain. This is not Julie’s fault, it is mine. I can’t stress that enough. She did what she had to do, and that is honorable. I am thankful she did not drag it out. I realize that the blame lies with me in two ways. First, because I did not handle the breakup appropriately. I let my feelings—not my logic—control how I dealt with the breakup. Second, dealing with the breakup was compounded by my bipolar disorder. The breakup was a small part of the emotional pain, but the bipolar disorder exacerbated it to extreme levels.

I am on two different types of medicine right now. Lexapronin, an anti-depresent, and depakote, a medicine that helps curb my cycles and helps “level me out.” I can already feel a difference. My aunt, who also suffers from clinical depression, told me that when she got on medicine, “It felt like a cloud was lifted off of me and I could see clearly.” Right now, for me, the fog is beginning to clear. Not everything is pie-in-the-sky, happy-dory, but I am beginning to experience energy, motivation, joy, and laughter again. The feelings of hopelessness and despair are becoming less-and-less. It is as if my eyes have been opened. The whole breakup with Julie really doesn’t bother me too much anymore, though I do have my moments. I’m beginning to function like a person should function.

I feel like I am at the beginning of a different chapter of my life, one significantly different and significantly better than the last. I told Emily, “It’s crazy how much has changed in the last two months, and two months from now we’ll be saying the same thing.” Emily is going through the same kind of things I am going through, so she has been a huge help for me in dealing with this.

Through the suffering, I have learned a lot. I have seen where changes are needed in my life. I have learned a lot about God’s grace, mercy, forgiveness, and goodness. I have been challenged and tested, and I have stood my ground and passed the test. “Was it easy?” Not at all. We all come face-to-face with suffering countless times in our lives, and I hope my own run-ins with suffering will one day enable me to help someone who is experiencing what I am experiencing now.

A few months ago, I told my dad, “We live lives of suffering with moments of happiness.” He said, “I’m not sure about that. I think we live lives of happiness with moments of suffering.” I am beginning to see that he was right. It’s been hard the last few months, but things are beginning to take shape, become clearer, and I am being transformed more-and-more into the person whom God wants to be. He is training me for the life He wants me to live.