“How do you know if you’re in love?” I did some research online, and most people have the idea that you know you’re in love based on a feeling. You know you love someone if you want to be around them all the time, if you want to hear their voice, if your heart flutters at the mention of their name, if your innate desire is just to be with that person for all eternity. Love becomes an emotion.
This all sounds good and dandy… but what happens when the emotion leaves? What happens when dry patches come around? What happens when you just want to be alone? What happens when you don’t have, even just for a moment, those “feelings”? Has your love for them left? Interestingly, psychologists list the seven basic human emotions as joy, anger, anxiety, pensiveness, grief, fear, and fright. Love is not even mentioned! So just what is this “feeling” of love that, for many, defines the very fabric of love?
National Geographic published an article titled “So what, really, is this thing called love?” The opening sentence says, “Scientists say that the brain chemistry of infatuation is akin to mental illness—which gives new meaning to ‘madly in love.’” The article follows the studies of a female scientist—Dr. Fisher—who has devoted her life to the study of lust, love, and infatuation. She has been looking at love through the telescopes of an MRI machine. When she began these studies, she had volunteers who were “madly in love” with someone; she put them inside the MRI machine, and showed them a picture of a neutral object followed by a picture of their loved on. “What Fisher saw fascinated her. When each subject looked at his or her loved one, the parts of the brain linked to reward and pleasure—the ventral tegmental area and the caudate nucleus—lit up.” The chemicals involved in love ignited the caudate nucleus, in which resides a thick spread of receptors for dopamine; dopamine is known for creating energy, exhilaration, focused attention, and motivation. The chemicals involved in love excite the dopamine which brings an even greater intensity of energy, exhilaration, and the like. So love puts you in a sort of high… And it’s borderline mental illness!
This article led me to really contemplate what real love is. “How do you know if you’re in love with someone? Is it based on feelings? Intuition? Or do you just know?” I am reminded of the biblical concept of love, stemming from the Greek word agape. This is the love we are called to have, and it is a love of action. It is a love of selflessness, servitude, and sacrifice. “How do you know if you’re in love with someone?” I believe the answer lies here: “Would I be willing to do whatever is best for them, even if it hurts me? Would I be willing to serve them no matter how much time and energies it would cost me? Would I be willing to sacrifice my time, my energies, even my life for this person? Would I be willing to dedicate myself to their well-being, to their happiness, even when it costs me my own well-being and my own happiness?” These are tough questions. In all honesty, if this is the case, there are only a few people whom I really love. I would gladly sacrifice myself for my mom, dad, and little sister. And there are many friends for whom I would take a bullet in a heartbeat. Selflessness. Servitude. Sacrifice. This, I believe, is the heart of love. Only after infatuation wears off, I believe, can we really know whether or not we love someone.
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