confessions

I'm at 139-140# right now. In October of last year I weighed 205. My ultimate goal has been 135#, but I'd REALLY like to hit 130. I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think that even though I look pretty good--not skinny as a rail but not fat, either; "fit and healthy" as I was told by more than a few people--I still "feel" fat. For years I walked around knowing I was obese, knowing that I was largely overweight, always wanting to lose it. Now I've lost it, but I still feel, psychologically, as if I haven't. I still feel as if when people look at me, they think, "Wow, he should lose some weight" or "It wouldn't hurt him to lose a few pounds." I know I'll never be stick-thin, because of genetics and my stocky build, and I'm not hoping for that. I guess I just want to be at a point where I feel comfortable. And that point should be now: I'm well within my healthy weight range, which is 135-145 pounds. Technically, if I hit 134, I would be "underweight" according to different statistics. Regardless, the way I feel about myself at this moment in time, I think, has less to do with what is actually there and more to do with the psychological baggage I've kept with me. I've expressed my desire to lose ten pounds (to get to 129, simply because it would be the least I've ever weighed for the past fifteen years of my life), and almost everyone has told me that I should stop losing weight and just stay where I'm at now. And I wonder to myself if I'll ever get to the point where I'm legitimately content to do that. This type of thinking has led many people down unwise and unhealthy roads; and while I know that I don't have the willpower or determination to become anorexic or bulemic, that doesn't change the fact that I still, in many ways, think like they do. For instance, today I had Subway for dinner. Only 650 calories with the chips. And I had to talk myself into eating it. And I felt guilty afterwards. I've only had around 1200 calories today, and I feel guilty for going over 1000! This isn't a good way to think. Frankly, it's dangerous. But I can't help the fact that I still perceive myself as this obese titan, this unattractive slob, this guy who doesn't take care of himself. I eat healthy almost all the time; I work out one to two times a day; and yet I still feel this way. What's wrong with me? I should talk to my sister about it, cause she's a psychology major at U.C. and knows me better than anyone. I have been considering stopping the "try to lose weight" thing and just eating healthy and working out once a day; I figure that if my body needs to lose weight, then it will do so? I don't know. But guilt itself might make me semi-starve myself (well, I don't really starve; I'm full all the time--I eat a lot of low-calorie, healthy, energy-giving foods). I don't know. I've lost sixty-five and eventually want to hit 75#. I promise that if I reach that, I'll just maintain. But I should probably deal with this self-image shit before things go too far.

back to my roots

Tonight I got to teach a handful of girls about Old Testament history, beginning with Genesis 1 and going all the way through Malachi. It was pretty great. I spent most of the time not on Israelite history, however, but about the evolution of what I call "the classical Jewish hope," all that stuff about what the Jews were longing for: end of exile, judgment on the pagans and vindication of the Jews (or at least the vindication of the true Jews), the Davidic king and the rebuilding of the Temple and new creation and all that, and then I talked about how Jesus fits into that paradigm, albeit with the paradigm reworked. The last half hour I talked a lot about heaven ("paradise") and the merging of heaven and earth to create the new heavens and new earth. It's always fascinating to me to see people who thought that heaven is eternal and that the earth will be destroyed come to the New Testament understanding that heaven (in the meaning of "paradise") is temporary and that the earth will be renewed and all God's people will dwell within it. Good eschatology is a beautiful and hope-filled thing. Beforehand, I prepared myself with both prayer and a delicious dinner: steamed tilapia, grilled mushrooms, and a baked potato! I miss teaching, I really do, and tonight was a nice nostalgic moment.

Now I'm going to do some reading, relax, take a shower, and go to bed.

Back in the old sweat-shop at 6:00 tomorrow morning.

brighter than noise

Sarah came up and visited me yesterday. We grabbed food at Skyline Chili, ran by the coffee shop, and then we spent the rest of the afternoon playing Wii and sitting on the front porch with French-pressed coffee talking about all sorts of things. After she left Dylan and Tyler came over. We went to the Mall and then, of course, played some Wii. Today I have a work meeting at 1:00 (need to be leaving soon), and then I'm going to work out and get a gourmet salad from D.L.M. for dinner. I'm pretty much addicted to them, and I only put the healthy stuff on it, so there's no loss whatsoever for my dieting extravaganza. My budget is tight this week because I spent $150 on clothes (losing weight, as I told my friend Carly, is financially irresponsible: I need all new clothes). 

I've started a new blog, the URL of which is a parody of this one. It's called Brighter Than Noise, and it's basically something of a day-by-day devotional. The first week is all about how we perceive the world and how our perceptions of the world must change in light of the kingdom of God. I'm trying to write it pretty dumbed-down, unlike my book on repentance where I use words that are simple to understand for those who have gone through biblical studies; ultimately, I want it to be something anyone can read. Mostly, though, it's for myself: it gives me more motivation to spend some "Quiet Time" with God. I hate that phrase but I can't, at the moment, think of anything better. Once I finish the week-long debut about how Christians are to re:orient their thinking and praxis, I'm going to go through St. Paul's prison epistles, one-by-one, and then maybe jump into the Gospel of Mark or something. It's a good discipline for myself, and if anyone reads it, hopefully it'll be enlightening for them as well.

Now I need to head off to Oakwood. It's about a 30-minute drive for me. Afterwards I'll probably walk around town sipping some coffee. Nothing bad about that.

"Justification"

Having finished N.T. Wright's recent book "Justification", all I can say is: "Wow." Of course, I say that with most of what N.T. Wright says. The book is all about the Christian doctrine of justification, and is also a response to John Piper's book "The Future of Justification." Regarding justification itself--what it means, it's background in Jewish thought from the law-court, covenant, and eschatology--Wright doesn't really give any new information than he did previously in his chapter on the subject in "What Saint Paul Really Said." The beauty of the book is found in its second half, where Wright does exegeses on several prominent texts dealing with the righteousness of God and the righteousness given to believers. His exegesis on Galatians is phenomenal, though he leaves a bit of ambiguity regarding the function of the Law in 2nd-Temple Palestinian Judaism as well as the detailed convictions of the agitators infiltrating the church there. He deals with this some more in his exegesis of Philippians, and after an exegesis of two critical texts in the Corinthian Correspondence, he looks at how justification isn't about soteriology vs. ecclesiology as some have proposed, using Ephesians, as it were, as a template for this (an interesting choice, since Ephesians has long been used to propose said argument). The final chapter of the book is by far the best: Wright's exegesis of Romans. Romans is one of my favorite texts (I wrote my own exegesis on it about 1 1/2 years ago), and Wright really brings to light some things that were confusing in my own study of the text. While I don't agree with what Wright proposes as the rhetorical situation of the letter itself, his arguments regarding various passages and how to ease some of the strain that even the most skilled exegetes (and I do not in any way consider myself skilled in the art) find difficult. All in all, it's basically a fuller expose on the doctrine of justification by faith than the one given in "What Saint Paul Really Said," but you won't find anything in this book that you didn't find foundational in the other (which is a good sign, showing that Wright probably understands his argument through-and-through). 

the dayton days [35]

Monday. I went to the Gym after work and had fish for dinner along with asparagus, mushrooms, and potatoes. Dylan & Tyler came over, and we played Mario-Kart and went to DQ for tasty treats and read through some of my old journals. I read an entry about me and Courtney and how great things were, how great SHE was, and it was depressing. Not that I just want a girlfriend. I don't. I want a girl, a very specific kind of girl. One like Courtney. But being single is better than being with someone who doesn't make me feel alive like Court did. Since this time last year, I've "dated" three girls: Genna, Faith, and Clare. Am I too picky? Maybe. But that's a good thing, right? It's now no mystery that I'm an attractive guy, at least to some. Girls like me, really like me, and then I hurt them. Girls flirt with me all the time. And yet I'm cynical, convinced I'll never find a girl who made me feel as ALIVE as Courtney made me feel. Well, we'll see.

The Last Day of Summer. I spent dusk at Clearcreek Park where Courtney and I made love and where Jess Lynn & I made out. I think everything that went down with Courtney still affects me, at least subconsciously; I wouldn't be surprised. Carly asked me if I'd be a facilitator at the Cincy House Church. I dunno. It'd be like a leadership position, and I'm not too keen on that at the moment. "I'll call you pastor!" she exclaimed; to which I said, "No. Call me Rabbi."

The First Day of Autumn. I didn't work today, did the usual stuff: working out, reading, coffee at Starbucks, went to the Gym, had a healthy dinner. Both Larry from FLCC in Minnesota and Jess Lynn over in Richmond called me, and so did Mandy from Cincinnati. Some pretty big storms rolled through, bringing an end to the recent drought. Mom had her Small Group so I went to Stubb's Park and ran in the rain. Next week I'm teaching on The History of the Old Testament for her.

Thursday. My car had a flat tire when I got off work. I put on the spare and went to the gym, had grilled chicken and mushrooms for dinner. I went back to work to do some reading with espresso and one of our customers, Gus, stopped to talk with me for a while. He's steeped in the Third Quest for the Historical Jesus, doesn't like that I'm reading N.T. Wright, keeps advocating Crossan.

Friday. Apparently Clare is in an emotional HELL over what happened between us. She's been posting it all over Facebook. Two poignant examples:

Maybe I just want to stay here. Maybe I just want you? But I lost you to everything I thought I knew. When will this cloud be vaporized and the fog begin to clear? I feel I just need you near. But I forgot how to love. I just need answers from God. Maybe I want a child, a picket fence, and wood floors? Maybe I just wants to see the world. Help defeat AIDS. Help defeat adventure, please. I need stable ground. A place I found. Suddenly, it all seems worth... less. It all seems like everything I wanted. But I realize, I just want you. 

I think it would be difficult

To wish upon a starWhich one would grant your wish?How numerous they areWhen I think of menI feel just the sameNumerous in numberCommon in nameI sifted and searchedBut couldn't find fewThat shined the promiseSo brilliant as youAll the Galaxies in HeavenCouldn't provideWhat you doJust being by my sideI miss you.

I honestly don't know why this has hurt her so much. Ams says it's because I'm "the perfect guy" and those who get to see it don't easily forget. But if I'm such a good guy, why do I hurt girls? Not like with abuse, obviously; but you know what I mean. I just hope and pray she can get over this quickly, and get on with her life. I hope she doesn't experience over me what I experienced over Courtney. 

Saturday. Dewenter and I went to China Cottage for dinner. We played some Mario Kart at my place and then Maebe & I met up with Carly at Mad River to talk about this Starbucks group. I'm interested to see how it'll pan out. One of the baristas at Mad River looks and sounds just like Courtney. One of our regulars does, too. I don't like how hearing their voices and seeing their faces triggers antique memories. Truly, Courtney is the only girl I loved, and I can't help but wonder if I'll experience love like that again.

Sunday. It's cold and rainy and I like it: the heat of Summer '10 is leaking away. I went to church at Southwest this morning, and then picked up groceries from DLM and went to Starbucks for a quad espresso and N.T. Wright. I worked 3-11:00 with Abby, Rachel (she's hilarious), and Denise. I told Denise I'm shooting for 135 pounds, and she said I needed to stop. "You're already so tiny!" Rachel exclaimed.

off to work i go...

It's cold and I need a space heater for my room. Looks like I'll be getting one tomorrow once I can get to the bank. The last hot days of Summer '10 are, at least according to the weatherman, over. The leaves continue to fall as the trees slip into their pseudo-hibernation. I'm looking forward to the cold nights (once I get my space heater). I'm at 140#, which is the lowest I've been. Hopefully I'll hit 135# by October 21st. That day is meaningful only because it's the day I started losing weight. 205# to 140# ain't bad: sixty-five pounds! I work at 3:00 and then I have two days off. Although I wasn't able to go to Illinois, at least I'll get to see Sarah, who is coming up to visit me for a few days tomorrow. I hope to finish another chapter in "Re:framing Repentance" on my days off (probably dedicating Tuesday to the task), and I'm almost done with N.T. Wright's "Justification" (I'll probably finish it tonight on my lunch break; a review is to follow later this week, and then it's on to "After You Believe: Why Christian Character Matters"). These are all the randoms I could think of. Now I'm going to go work out a bit, have tuna and alfalfa sprouts for lunch, shower, and then run off to this fun place:

China Cottage & Cincinnati

Patrick and I participated in our (usually) weekly ritual: Chinese at China Cottage! As you can see, I am very excited:

This afternoon I met up with my friend Carly to talk about a "house church" we're starting, along with others, in Cincinnati. It's close to the Gas Light District and right on U.C. There are some hurdles that may need to be leaped, but we're both pretty excited about this. I always enjoy talking to Carly because she is more of a "feeler" than I am (if that's the right word) and I appreciate that about her. I miss when I could feel, in my spirit, certain things. A cold intellectualism has saturated my bones and though I am in the process of getting out of that (not the intellect, mind you, but the intellectualism), I'm still not where I want to be nor where I have been years before. The group in Cincinnati will mainly focus on discipleship, spiritual development, etc. with facilitated discussions and scripture readings, then probably hanging out afterwards at Sitwell's or Highlands or some of the other local cafes. It's officially starting in October, and I'm looking forward to it.

confessions & latte art

My last few posts have been melancholy, to say the least. There are days when I just feel really down, and I guess those were such days. Reality be admitted, I live a pretty good life. I take a lot for granted. I am surrounded by loving family and friends. I have a job that pays enough for me to make all my bill payments on time. I've lost sixty-five pounds and am continuing to lose weight. I'm feeling confident in how I look, and that's something new. I live in a quiet town without the fear of bandits or robbers, without worrying if a stray bullet will come through the windows and strike someone I live. I can sit on the front porch at night without worry about roving gangs. I have more than enough to eat and a warm bed and a steady job. I am, in light of the conditions of the rest of the world, blessed beyond measure. And to top it all off, I have a God who has chosen me as one of his own; a God who rains down his grace and love on me daily; a God who gives me good gifts and yearns for me to use my talents and abilities to advance his kingdom. I am blessed, then, with purpose: not a purpose of self-serving and self-indulgence, but the calling to a higher purpose, a higher end. I am called to advance God's kingdom (as all his people are), and the pay-off (if we can speak selfishly) is quite good, too (although much suffering and bearing of the cross is necessary in the present). Maybe it's the cyclical depression or just my recurrent blindness, but I often lose sight of all the blessings God gives me, blessings I don't ask for and blessings I sadly don't thank him for. I'm just so narrow-minded and self-focused that I miss all of that sometimes. I pray my God will cleanse me of this short-sightedness and enable to see things as they really are, to see myself for who I really am, and within that framework to live out my calling and to do what God wants me to do; and even more, to become the man (now and forever) God wants me to become. 

In other news, Rob Hoos made a beautiful picture in a latte and made sure to show it to me. It's a Tyrannosaurus rex!

everything used to be so clear...

Before going off to college, I knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I was going to be a pastor. I was going to shepherd a small flock and advance God's kingdom. And I was going to do this alongside a wonderful wife, with whom I would have children. I expected this all to come to fruition. I believed, "This is what God has called me to." And though these hopes were cemented, they soon chipped away as disappointment after disappointment, trauma followed by trauma, overcame me like tidal waves. My hopes floundered as I was back-stabbed and betrayed, cheated-on and abandoned. I caved into myself and launched into all sorts of escapist techniques: sex, drugs, alcohol. I came to my senses, thank God, but the effects of that have not totally worn off. The cynicism and skepticism still clings to me like a heavy blanket. I've repented and returned to God, but I still carry this burden, a burden which cannot be named or defined but only felt and experienced; and since it cannot be called-out, it cannot be dealt with as it should be. So I find myself now with all these hopes--to advance God's kingdom as a pastor and to be a husband and a father--dispelled by the seeming ridiculousness of it all. Not that advancing God's kingdom or being a husband and a father is ridiculous--just that this life never really lives up to what we think it will, and sooner or later disillusionment will force us to rethink everything. I guess I'm in that rethinking stage, wrestling with the reality of life itself and with the hopes and desires and, what I have perceived to be (but which may not be) the vocation given to me by God. This wrestling is a good place to be, I'm sure of it; and if I were not wrestling, then I would just be complacent. But wrestling is what I am doing, struggling to figure out how it all works together and where I fit into the story. I just hope that a light will break soon and that dawn will creep on the horizon. I'm tired of not knowing what to do, not knowing who to be; I'm tired of being torn between the apparent chasm between Reality & Hope. Everything used to be so clear but now it'd muddled and faded, and I'm left to picking up the pieces and trying to reassemble them into something more solid and sturdy than what I had built before in my naivety and ignorance.

the first day of autumn

It's the first day of Autumn and about 80 degrees. Next week it should be cooler, though, and I'm looking forward to that. I'll also have TWO DAYS OFF in a row, which is a pretty big deal. Mandy and Tony are visiting Jessie in Illinois this weekend and I probably won't be able to go because I have to work, which sucks. It's not that work sucks, but it's not being able to hang out with them for two days that sucks. Moving away from Cincinnati was a good decision for a multitude of reasons; yet the thing I miss most about Cincinnati is the people there. Such a great group of friends, friends who stuck closer than brothers; and I miss all the laughter, the great conversations, the random adventures. And, suddenly, I miss bubble tea. *sigh* The worst part is that even on my days off, I can't go visit, because my car won't survive the highway (it barely stays alive when I drive it to and from work). I would borrow Mom's car, but she hates my car and wouldn't want to drive it with all its problems while I would be down in Cincinnati. All of this is just overwhelming: the car troubles, the bill payments, the inability to spend time with great friends. I feel like I'm imprisoned in Centerville, Ohio, looking out at a world just out of reach but unable to be grasped.

I'm going to stop writing about all that before I get depressed. So instead I'll recount my day: I woke up, had coffee, ran to the bank, had Subway for breakfast/lunch (brunch?) and watched TV. Then I did some work on my book on repentance and then went to the gym and I just showered and now I think I'm going to go to the cafe and do some reading with some iced espresso. I wish I could wear my jeans and cowboy boots today, but it's too darn hot. I work tomorrow 6:30-3:00; then Friday 1-9:30; then Sunday 3-11:00 (which is why I can't go to Illinois!); and then I have Monday and Tuesday off. And I'm going to try and visit some people in Cincinnati on Monday, if Mom will let me borrow her car. Fingers crossed.

Dear Autumn, please come soon. K thanks.

the last day of summer

It's been a pretty good summer. I've done lots of reading, lots of writing, have enjoyed working at Starbucks and am sure I will continue to enjoy it. I haven't lost as much weight as I would've liked (only 'bout ten pounds, but I'm working on that). My car's continued to atrophy, falling apart in various ways. Today when I left work, I found my front tire flat. I just sighed and fixed it. These things don't even affect me anymore.

This summer, too, I "dated" two girls and then "broke their hearts" (it's not like I drove a knife into their hearts; it's more akin to disappointing them when I decided I didn't want to date). Tyler also "broke a heart" this summer, and we talked about it the other night. Maybe we're commitophobes, or maybe we just enjoy being single. But I think more of it is that there are still some issues I need to work through following Courtney. Sure, it was many, many years ago; and, sure, I don't ever think about her anymore or dream about her anymore (I kept dreaming about her long after I stopped thinking about her). But the whole situation, which was FUBAR to the nth-degree, still affects me to this day, I think. In some ways it affects me positively; in others, negatively. It's these negative things I need to work on. But working on these things isn't like "losing weight" or "writing a book", things one can easily do if he puts his mind to it and disciplines himself. Working through these issues is a hard thing to do, because (1) I don't know what these issues are, and (2) as with all things psychological, the brain can use all sorts of tactics to keep you from really doing what you want. Unable to understand what's wrong with me, and thus being unable to really diagnose the problem, how do I know which kind of treatment to embrace? I think the obvious answer is to let God, who searches hearts and knows hearts even when we do not, deal with it. And I don't mean that in the supra-Christian way. I mean it in the sense that I want God to heal me in these hidden, subconscious areas so that my actions and decisions are not goaded by them. I can't do it but he can. Of course, as with all "issues", sometimes they'll lie dormant to the point of dying; and sometimes, when someone comes into your life, those issues will be brought to the surface and slain right then and there.

Gah. Too much thinking. Right now I need to work out, clean my room, do some laundry, and fix dinner. Mom's High School Girls' bible study is here tonight so I need to fix my dinner, eat it, and clean the kitchen before they arrive in a couple hours. I'm thinking grilled chicken (or fish?) with grilled mushrooms.

the dayton days (34)

Monday. Autumn has officially arrived! It's getting steadily colder and the leaves are changing colors and soon there will be gourds and pumpkins with which I will adorn my room. Also, colder weather means the return of the doppio con panna (the iced espresso has been getting old). I worked 6:30-3:00 with Wade, J.J., Carly, Tony, & Asenath. I spent my afternoon hanging out with Ams: we played Wii, smoked cigarettes, drank some beer, talked. She's not happy with Chris; I guess they're back together again? Dylan and Tyler came over, and I told them my hesitations with Clare. Tyler said, "You and I, we're afraid of commitment." 

Tuesday. I slept in till about 8:00, worked out, did laundry, had cereal for breakfast. I went to Starbucks and worked on taking notes from N.T. Wright's "Justification." So excited about 8 more of his books coming to me in the mail soon! I hung out with Ams for a bit before she headed back down to Cincinnati. At 4:30 I met Clare at China Cottage. We went and got pumpkins for her store and then went to a park in Franklin and climbed trees. I got home around 8:00. Kyle & Vicki are engaged, and I'm going to be in his wedding. I called Jessie in Illinois, talked with her about my concerns with Clare: simply put, things aren't working out. I leave a trail of wounded hearts in my wake.

Wednesday. I worked 5:30-1:00 with good folk. Mom had some girls over for dinner and games: Mariah and Katie. I hung out with them for a while and then went to Starbucks to do some writing.

Thursday. I called things off with Clare today. I worked 1-9:30, gave Sarah a call. She got a job at the Piano Bar in Newport. Ams came to town, another doctor's appointment, and we played Mario-Kart.

Friday. I worked 6-1:00, ran home for a quick lunch, and then returned to work for my PDP (Partner Development Plan). I'm doing analyses of our whole bean, figuring out ways to market them in the store. I chilled at home and dreamt of Alaska, but those are dangerous and naive dreams. Clare's pretty hurt about how things went down, I don't blame her. I thank God she didn't "go crazy" like Genna, or simply ignore me like Faith. I know I hurt her, but she was (it seems) understanding. She didn't threaten to slit her wrists like Genna, so that's a plus. 

Saturday. I enjoyed the cold morning with some coffee and a cigarette. I spent the day reading and writing, picked up an IPOD charger at Best Buy (lost mine), and napped till about 4:00. Dewenter came over for a bit on his moped. I worked 6-11:00 for Audree, and my arms are SO SORE from working out. I got Ams' LG Chocolate Phone. It's pretty nice.

Sunday. I went to the Rt 48 Starbucks and read for a bit. Mom & Dad went to a Barnhart Family Reunion in New Carlisle. Pat D. came over before going over to his grandpa's house, who lives where the Southards used to (still do?) live. I went to I.G.A. for some frozen fish filets and spent the evening lounging around. 

Not an exciting week.

on the paradox of predestination

Today at work my friend Carly asked me my views on predestination. My answer? "I don't have one." Which, I guess, isn't true. Even a view that doesn't fit within the normal bounds ("I agree with it/I don't agree with it") is still a view. I'm not Calvinist in the sense that I believe that God chooses certain people over and against other people to save (though he would be totally merited and valid in doing this; a thing called grace, you see!). I don't believe that Jesus' cross achieved victory only for those whom God chose and everyone else has no hope (that wouldn't be a very effective victory; more like winning a skirmish line; and nor do I suppose that Jesus' death on the cross, and subsequent resurrection, means universalism is the way to go). I'm not Arminian in the sense that I believe people can make an uninfluenced choice to put their loyalty in Jesus. All this talk about "Free Will" is a pretty individualistic, western idea, given a hefty boost into modern thought with the American Revolution (the people said, "We have the choice to determine what happens; we have the choice to decide who gets to rule over us," and this mindset greatly steered the methodology and theology of the colonial churches). There is no such thing as "Free Choice", in the sense that every decision we make, even if it is (apparently) from our own determined volition, is not unfettered; there are countless variables and influences that drive us to make the decisions we make. Our decisions are largely dependent upon our environment (and I mean environment in the large sense of the word, encompassing everything from our hearts to social structures). And topping all of this, the debates between Calvinists and Arminians are entirely removed from the wrestling and struggling of the New Testament. It wasn't an issue in the early church. This seems crazy to us--"How could it NOT be an issue?!"--but we must remember that the debate itself was relatively unknown till the protestant reformation. Peeling through the letters of the New Testament to find out which reformer was right (if we can call Arminius a reformer) is like looking through a car mechanics manual to figure out which color would look best as a racing stripe. The New Testament wasn't written with this tension in mind.

So where do I stand on the whole subject? As of now, I would call myself (if I were forced to don a label) a Calminian. Embrace the paradox! What paradox? The command of Joshua--"Choose this day whom you will serve!"--and the message of the New Testament--"God has chosen you!" The paradox is that God chooses us and we choose God; we choose God and God chooses us. Asking which comes first is like asking the old question about the chicken and the egg. It's a nonsensical question. So I stand on the paradox and I embrace the paradox and I choose whom I will serve and God chooses me to be his child. If you don't like paradoxes, get over it. The Bible is full of 'em. (Of course, a paradox to us would not be a paradox to God; but when our feeble, narrow-minded minds can't wrap around something, "paradox" is a good word to use) If you don't like paradoxes, as my old New Testament professor used to say, become a Muslim. You'll be happy that way.

Now I'm going to start roasting some potatoes for dinner. Potatoes, grilled asparagus and mushrooms, pan-simmered tilapia. Oh boy!

another week begins

The picture above was taken from my new phone. It was actually my little sister's old phone, but she upgraded and gave me hers. That's where I spend most of my time. It's where I read, where I think, where I watch the sunset while listening to my IPOD. It's where me and my friends smoke our cigarettes and drink our beers late into the night. It's where I sit every morning before work with my VIA instant coffee in one hand and my morning cigarette in the other. *sigh* I'll miss that porch. There are so many good memories there. Of course, I won't miss it for a while--because I'll be living here for quite some time longer, I fear. Mom called me a roommate today, which was kinda weird. But they do sorta treat me like one. They stay outta my business, let me do my own thing, acknowledge that I'm an adult--albeit a poor adult--and let me make my own life.

It's 9:00 at night and I'm about to go to bed because I have to be at work at 5:30 tomorrow morning. It should be a pretty easy week. I think I have Wednesday off? Or maybe Thursday. Hell, I don't know. This week should be pretty good, though. I've bought all my groceries: fish fillets, eggs, bread. Yep, that's it. I'm hoping to lose three pounds this week. I should be able to. I'd LOVE to be at 135 by Thanksgiving. Of course, by the end of Thanksgiving I'll have gained it all back--but that's what Thanksgiving is all about, at least in my family, so it's expected. There'd be something wrong if I didn't gorge myself for once. Most people probably think I eat a lot all the time. I actually don't eat a whole lot. At work I'm known as one of the Snackers (a select few of us who snack on marked-out pastries throughout our shifts), and some people have asked how I don't gain weight. It's easy: while I may snack a lot at work, I rarely snack here at home. I usually eat dinner around 5-6:00 and that's it till the next morning. Anyways, good night.

"re:framing repentance", Part I

Ever since February I've been working on a book that's all about repentance. In February I intended for it to be around 80 pages, but the more studying I did, and in my own desire to be thorough (which often translates into being long-winded), I realized that an "essay" on repentance wouldn't cut it. And so I decided to write an entire book on the subject, which I hope will be the first in a four-part series on the Christian understanding of salvation. I've finished the first third of the book. It clocks in around 100 pages. Here's what I have so far:

Chapter One: Who Demands Our Repentance? In the first chapter--which is 12 pages long--I give an ever-so-brief sketch of the Judeo-Christian God, doing so (mostly) by tearing apart some modern conceptions of God. The four I look at are pantheism (and its cohort panentheism), deism, the "lovey-dovey" romantic God, and the God of the Health & Wealth gospel. With each of these I show how the Judeo-Christian God is similar in parts and wildly different in others. I conclude the chapter with an examination of God revealing himself to Moses at the burning bush, then defining himself both as a rescuer and as a promise-keeper by leading his people out of Egypt and into the Promised Land.

Chapter Two: The Drama of God. In the second chapter--which is a whopping 30 pages long--I look at what's been called the story of God. There's Act I: Creation, followed by Act II: The Fall; then there's God's rescue operation set into motion, the calling of Israel, Act III. In Act IV we find Jesus walking around Palestine, preaching the kingdom of God and exorcising demons and healing the sick, eventually being killed and then rising from the dead. This is the inauguration of God's promises and the culmination of what he had always intended to do with Israel. In Act V, the Act which we currently find ourselves in, the kingdom of God is advancing. In Act VI, we find Jesus appearing, the great judgment, the recreation of the heavens and the earth, all of that. And Act VII is the act where mankind, so-to-speak, "begins again", fulfilling his original vocation as God's image-bearer. I hash all of this out in some detail, though I prevent myself from saying too much. I'm not writing a book on the drama of God, after all, but on repentance.

Chapter Three: The Call to Repentance. In the third chapter--which is 14 pages long--I look at several texts found in the New Testament emphasizing the necessity of repentance (over and against those who says that it's really not a big deal). I look at repentance in the life and message of Jesus. I look at repentance in the Acts narrative. I spend a considerable amount of time on the writings of St. Paul (who, for the look of it, doesn't have much to say on the subject; however, that's entirely not the case). Then I look at repentance in the later New Testament, Hebrews through Revelation. Finally, the icing on the cake: repentance in the apostolic fathers. A few mentionings from Clement of Rome and from the pens of a few others. The point I make is that repentance is a pretty big deal, and anyone who says otherwise has really not wrestled with the text as the text deserves to be wrestled with.

Chapter Four: Re:Defining Salvation. This is my least favorite chapter of all, if only because I feel like I have done a somewhat shoddy job and not tied up all the loose ends. Writing about salvation itself would (and will, eventually) take up its own book. In this chapter, which is 18 pages long, I focused on the death of Jesus and framing the atonement within that; I looked at propitiation/expiation and redemption/liberation. I examined the present aspects of salvation in contrast and conjunction with the future aspects of salvation; in other words, looking at how there is no real tension between "we have been saved" and "we will be saved."

Chapter Five: The Human Condition. Clocking in at 21 pages, this chapter is all about the current condition human beings find themselves in. I look at the legal ramifications of our condition-you know, guilty because of sin--and at the ontological ramifications of our conditions--being infected, consumed, indwelt with sin. Much of the chapter is devoted to mini-exegeses of selected texts (one from Romans 1-3, the other from Romans 7, and the final one being a sweeping look at Genesis 4-11). After all of that I define a few key terms to the best of my ability (evil, transgression, and sin).

The first third of the book is all about laying the foundation for understanding repentance. I'm of the conviction that you cannot simply leap into a subject and think you've gotten your point across. Everyone is so consumed with so many assumptions about everything that to assume that everyone assumes what you do is a ridiculous, illogical, and foolish assumption. (That's a lot of assumptions!) Everything I've written about so far in these chapters is, in my opinion, necessary to really grasping what repentance is all about. Now I'm faced with the most challenging part of the book: defining repentance. I've got seven chapters lined up:

(1) False Trails in the Quest for Repentance

(2) The Meaning of Repentance

(3) The Necessity of Repentance

(4) The Choice of Repentance

(5) Repentance & Faith

(6) Repentance & Loving God

(7) Repentance: Four Themes

coffee of the week: anniversary blend

My P.D.P. (Partner Development Plan) at work is basically an analysis of all our different whole beans. Taste, texture, history, pairings, experiences of which drinking the select whole bean would be conducive to making exponentially more enjoyable. Essentially looking at, as I told Tony, "the nature of the bean itself." This week's was our Anniversary Blend, a seasonal blend that comes out every September and lasts (I believe) through the end of November (or Thanksgiving), at which point we get our Christmas Blend on the shelves. I'm not a big fan of bold coffees, but Anniversary Blend is admittedly pretty good. It's the spiciest coffee I've ever had, with light citrus undertones, a heavy body, and a lingering taste on the palate. It's special in the sense that it's an Asian/Pacific coffee (Sumatran, to be exact) that is aged 3-5 years. It's great with our pumpkin selections--our pumpkin scones and our pumpkin loaves, to be exact--and it's the coffee I prefer to drink when sitting on the front porch watching the leaves falling from the trees and enjoying my evening cigarette. I've got two pounds of it sitting in my room but am saving them for winter, when the whole bean won't be available in stores (I'm not going to sell it; I'm just going to use it for myself, getting a fix for my cravings when the store can't help me out). This is the perfect whole bean for anything autumn related--fire pits and fireplaces, thanksgiving dinners and football cookouts, waking up in the chilled morning and even (for us addicts) watching the blood-red autumn sunset.

journal entry - 9.11

I love autumn. I really do. It's beautiful. But for some reason, it carries with itself an odd sense of sadness. Maybe it is the way that the beauty is but a precursor to when death will wrap itself about the world. I don't know. At work today I was hit with a wave of sadness. Dead-end job. Dying car. Fruitless life. A life characterized by broken dreams and overwhelming disappointments. It's not what I expected. And now I'm more cynical--albeit wiser--than I was. This world sucks. It's a shadow of what's coming. I want the future to be NOW. I want Jesus to appear, to finish what he started. There's no solid hope in this life. There's no genuine happiness, only echoes of it; and I'm craving the real thing.

walkin' tall against the rain

Last night I dreamed I lived in Ketchikan, Alaska. I worked at a small church and wore flannel and jeans and cowboy boots all the time. I drove a beat-up Chevy with rust and dents along the side. Every morning I had eggs and toast at a local diner and then walked the boardwalks and felt the rain. I woke up sad. Alaska still haunts me. I From what I've heard, Alaska holds some sort of mystical power: even those who have never been there long to be there. Having been there, if only for a week, the longing grows and grows within me. I dream of it often, waking and sleeping. Not simply Alaska, mind you, but the Inside Passage; especially Ketchikan, where the picture above was taken. I would do anything to just move there, get a house, and then advance God's kingdom in that rainy place. But, alas, here I am in Dayton, Ohio. Still living with my parents. Driving a dying car. Not making enough money to get my own place and barely paying the bills that I have. *sigh* I do want a change. I want to get my own place and build my own life. The economy is so bad here that all I can really do is make coffee; don't get me wrong, I love the job, and never really dread going in. The people I work with are fantastic, the customers are great, it's a wonderful job. But I can't afford my own place with it. Oh, if Alaska were here right now, or if I were on a plane there with a job and place awaiting me... That would be wonderful. But I guess I'll just keep it real "down south" (as those Alaska people would say) and keep doing my thing, walking tall against the rain (to quote one of my favorite house songs).

the dayton days (33)

Centerville Starbucks

Labor Day. Jessie & Tony came in to my work to visit me for a bit: it surprised the hell out of me! For some odd reason, Destini and Aubree love working with me. I think it's cause I'm always relaxed and funny. 

Tuesday. I had the day off work. Clare came over for a bit. We sat on the front porch and then made out pretty Hot & Heavy. Dewenter and I had China Cottage for lunch, and I spent the day lounging around and writing.

Wednesday. Sarah called me last night, said she got a part-time job at a deli in Blue Ash. I told her about Clare, and she seemed happy for me. I worked 6:30-3:00 and had eggs and toast for dinner. Dylan & Tyler came over for Mario-Kart, beer, and cigarettes (and good theological discussions).

Thursday. I slept in till 9:00 and had Chipotle for lunch. I worked a weird shift, 1-7:00. Cincinnati is INFESTED with bed bugs. A lady in Dylan's house church died of leukemia. I had a big headache after work and took some aspirin and called Jobst for a bit.

Friday. Clare came over around 9 AM, and we made some cocoa-coffee smoothies and had grilled cheese and cuddled and made out. She went to work and I went to Starbucks for my check and Carly was there, and we talked about sexual purity. I ran to the bank and then to the store and checked out some netbooks. My Inspiron 6000 is threatening to die. I spent the evening at Starbucks: Mariah from Southwest had a surprise birthday party there.

Saturday. I worked 10-5:00. Dylan & Tyler came over, and we went to DLM for dinner. I got some sushi and a salad. Clare and I were going to hang out, but she's sick, so that fell through.

Sunday. Dewenter couldn't do M.C.C. or China Cottage today (the latter will be made up for next week). I worked a pointless shift, 2-6:30. More work drama: Tony may be transferred to the Route 48 Starbucks as a shift. He's well-liked, has a warm and inviting personality, clicks really well with everyone, so obviously he's a top choice. I can't help but wonder why I haven't been considered. Really, it's politics. Mariah and Sabrina visited me at work, and after work I went to North Park and walked around for a while. Aubree's last day with us is next Sunday. She's one of my favorite people to work with. I feel trapped into Starbucks with nowhere to go, and I have so many bills and financial woes that I can't even get my own place. Ams broke up with Chris (again) but may be getting back with him. Sometimes I want to be a monk. But, then again, I always do when the stresses of life exponentially multiply.

my upcoming week

It's Sunday morning and I'm up earlier than expected. I woke up at 8:00, sleeping eight straight hours, and fixed coffee and had my cigarette. I work a really short shift later - 2-6:30 - and I work every morning next week, in at least by 6:00. The only evening I work is Thursday, but one of the shifts is trying to get me on as an opener instead that morning, which I would prefer. My week will thus be spent working, shift-after-shift, and then I have the weekend off. It's strange, having two days off in a row. I'm really looking forward to it. Amidst my seven-day work week, here are some things I'm looking forward to:

1. Finishing the first five chapters of "Re:Framing Repentance." I'm 1/3 done with the fifth chapter. I hope to get it to 2/3 by tonight and, by Friday, have the fifth chapter entirely done. It's a pretty intense chapter so I'm going through it quite slowly. Once I finish chapter 5, it's on to the meat of the book: "What is repentance and how is it practiced?" I'm very excited about this book.

2. Finishing "Justification" by N.T. Wright. I'm halfway through it and loving every minute of it. The first several chapters are really good, but in regards to justification, you don't really learn anything you wouldn't have learned in a careful reading of Wright's "What Saint Paul Really Said." The meat of the book, I think, is in the second half: exegeses on Romans, Galatians, and several other letters in reference to what they say regarding justification.

3. Good food! On Monday or Tuesday, Clare and I are checking out a new Indian restaurant in town, Namaste India. All the evening crew from work loves that place, orders from there all the time. I still haven't been and am looking forward to it. On another afternoon, Pat D. and I are going to hit up China Cottage. The reason we go there all the time is because it's so damned good. And I'm sure I'll be spending time with the regulars: Dylan and Tyler. Last night we went to Dorothy Lane Market for dinner: sushi and a gourmet salad!

4. Lose 3 pounds. I've gone from 141 to 144, thanks to not eating well over the last week. Sometimes, and I don't know if this is just me, but I want to celebrate whenever I hit a goal in weight-loss, which means essentially eating a lot. It's very paradoxical. Regardless, I want to get back to 141 by the end of the week and continue my journey towards 135. I'm glad I'm able to fit into all my autumn clothes from freshman year, but I still want to lose more weight. And don't think I'm going to become anorexic or anything: I'm still chubby. If I get below 135, which is, I think, the farthest I can go before being underweight, I'm going to stop.

Now to decide whether or not I'll be going to church this morning, and if so: "Where?"

"Evil & The Justice of God"

Having finished N.T. Wright’s “Evil & The Justice of God”, all I can say is: “Wow.” The entire book is extremely enlightening, captivating, enlivening. While a lot of the material is “nothing new”—in the sense that he’s written about it in even more depth elsewhere—he focuses on several things that help bring “the problem of evil” into focus, and these things are matters integral to the Christian faith.

I like how Wright doesn’t say “Here’s what evil is, here’s what evil isn’t,” etc. He acknowledges that there are various ways of looking at evil, categorical systems prominent in systematic theology, but he says that they don’t really take evil seriously enough. Aside from the definition of evil in theology, he looks at the definition of evil in politics, especially from a western perspective: the “us vs. them” ideology, seen most vibrantly in “capitalism vs. communism” or “democracy vs. dictatorship.” His words in the first chapter should be necessary reading for those Christians all in hoopla about the current political currents of Islam in America (he writes about 9/11 several times, acknowledging that the terrorists were, indeed, evil; but that the whole situation has brought into the cultural mind a framework of evil that embraces the faulty “us vs. them” mentality). Ultimately he says that any theological definition of evil must acknowledge that the Bible doesn’t say where evil came from; Genesis 1-11 is more of an analysis of evil, a diagnosis of the situation, that about its origins. And throughout the Old Testament, the question of evil, while addressed, isn’t solved. The paradoxes and struggling of the saints are evident throughout scriptures, not least in the Psalms. The fantastic ending of Job—often called the classic Old Testament theodicy—doesn’t really shed any light on the subject. So what does God do about evil? In the Old Testament we see him restraining it, containing it, not letting it have its full reign, and even using it sometimes to further his own purposes (sometimes God uses evil in such a way that he gets his own hands bloody, as we see in the Israelite conquering of Canaan). Nevertheless, there’s no solid theodicy in the Old Testament; what we find is that anything resembling a theodicy (with the exception of Job, which is widely misread) is focused upon God’s covenant with Israel: God will deal with evil through the covenant, though as to how, no one (at least in the Old Testament) really knows.

Which leads to what I think is the best chapter of the book: “Evil & The Crucified God.” Wright advances the Christus victor approach to the cross (originated with Gustaf Aulen, and a very interesting approach to what God did when Jesus was crucified): that on the cross, Jesus defeated the powers of evil in all its forms. We find in the Old Testament God restraining and containing evil; but on the cross, evil is given free reign, allowed to rise to its fullest. It thrusts itself against God and with all its might kills him. It is the ultimate act of evil. It seems like a loss for God, but then Jesus raises from the grave: the resurrection (at the least, and that’s an understatement) shows that when Jesus died, he defeated the powers of evil, often invoked as death and sin. Death—the ultimate, God-defacing, human-defacing, creation-defacing act of evil—is undone, showing that evil itself has failed. It burned itself out when it threw itself against Jesus. It exhausted its powers and came to a loss. This is the New Testament conviction seen in the gospels and in the epistles of St. Paul. The cross is God’s answer to evil.

But, of course, as Wright continues to say, things aren’t completely better. Yes, the victory over evil has been won. Evil has been defeated and dismantled and, in a sense, destroyed. Yet it still seems to flourish and even prosper. We feel evil’s affects every day, and sometimes the affects are so deep and wounding that we’re scarred for the rest of our days. Wright acknowledges this and says that the cross and resurrection is but the first step of God’s answer to evil. Not that the cross is thus no big deal, or unnecessary, or not that important—no, it is a cosmic victory, an apocalyptic turning-point in history. God’s new age, where evil is vanquished and exterminated forever, has been inaugurated; and on a future day, it will be fully consummated. Evil has been judged and on that day, the sentence will be carried out.

The question becomes, “So what do we do now?” In this “interim” period, in this “now but not yet” moment in history, what are Christians to do? The isolationist technique of holing up isn’t feasible, and nor is the apathetic position of saying, “Well, God’s going to sort everything out in the end, so let’s just keep to ourselves.” Wright talks a lot about justice—what it is, what it isn’t, etc.—and has a lot of interesting things (as an aside) to say about the current prison system in America. Christians, as servants of God and agents of Messiah and his kingdom, are to implement the victory over evil by pursuing justice. He also talks about beauty, art, creativity—various ways of advancing God’s kingdom. And then, in the final chapter, he talks about forgiveness. I put it in italics because this is one of the best chapters I’ve ever read in my life; everything Wright says about forgiveness is mind-blowing, intrinsically tied to the defeat and dismantling of evil, and I would recommend every Christian buy this book, no matter your views on Wright, and read this chapter on forgiveness. He talks about what it is, what it isn’t, what it means, all of that. And he puts on the table a perspective of forgiveness that takes forgiveness seriously. Anyone who says Wright disregards or discredits the atonement should be put to shame just by reading this chapter; as a believer in the atonement, I find this chapter on forgiveness—forgiveness granted by God and given man-to-man—to be illuminating on the entire subject.

A small book. A handful of chapters. Decently-sized print. And worth every penny. One of the best Wright books I’ve read thus far, hands-down.

randomz

Clare is coming over in a little bit, and we're going to make smoothies from a recipe book she bought. I really like her and enjoy spending time with her. We're just seeing where it's going, but I'm optimistic nonetheless. Today is payday and I have a few errands to run later in the day, not least buying some more paper from Office Max (as with pens, so it is with paper: my paper comes only from Office Max, and my pens come only from Staples). Like I said, this weekend I'll put up my review of N.T. Wright's "Evil & The Justice of God." I keep rereading different sections, the text coming alive to me all over again. The main thrust of the book, at least for me, is seen on two fronts; but, alas, I'm getting ahead of myself! I've ordered some more N.T. Wright books--namely, the first three books of his supposedly to-be six-volume series on Jesus & God & Christian origins; each is around 1000 pages (if not more) and should consume my winter reading. I have today off but then launch into a seven-day stretch (nothing compared to the 12-day stretch I just worked). In the spirit of N.T. Wright, I leave you with a quote from "Evil & The Justice of God" regarding the fall in Genesis 3:

Humans, instead of worshiping God as the source of their life, give allegiance to the nonhuman creation. The earth, instead of being wisely ruled by God-fearing, image-bearing stewards, shares the curse for the sake of idolatrous mankind. Death, which we may rightly see as a natural and harmless feature of the original landscape, now assumes the unwelcome guise of the executioner coming grimly to prevent the poison spreading too far. (pp 52)

on death

A woman from Dylan’s house church died unexpectedly of leukemia yesterday morning. Nine months ago the diagnosis came, and things were looking up, and out-of-the-blue she felt sick with a fever and then died a few hours later. She was only middle-age and left behind a loving husband and several teenage kids. The shock felt by family is immeasurable, and the shock felt by her loving house church is but a glimpse of what her immediate family is going through. I thought about this a lot last night, and I kept remembering St. Paul’s words in Philippians, where he talked about yearning to die and be with Christ in paradise.

He’d been there before, been swept up to the “third heaven”, that place called Paradise where the dead redeemed live in rest and tranquility, taking deep breaths and even (as Revelation seems to imply) reign alongside Christ. There’s a lot of ambiguity and confusion in the church regarding what happens when someone dies, and the modern conception of “heaven”—this ethereal, pie-in-the-sky place where we sit on clouds and play harps all day—doesn’t really make one share St. Paul’s enthusiasm (“He must be nuts!” we say). Without getting into the long (albeit fascinating) history of where this modern idea of heaven came from (or, rather, evolved from), I’ll just say that it’s wildly off-base. The Bible doesn’t really tell us much about the afterlife; it’s called Paradise, from the Greek paradeismos (or something like that), which was a Greek word depicting a beautiful garden with trees and orchards and fountains and a high gate protecting it from hostile forces. It is derived from a Persian word that was used in reference to the Hanging Gardens of Babylon (the most exquisite gardens in the history of mankind to-date). The Jews took this Greek word and used it in their Greek Old Testament, and they used it to talk about the Garden of Eden. I like the idea of paradise being the Garden of Eden, in the realm of God (“But wasn’t the Garden a physical place? And isn’t Heaven a spiritual place?” Our preconceived notions of heaven as a “spiritual” place as opposed to a “physical” place should be rattled simply by Jesus reigning bodily and physically in heaven; heaven refers to the realm of God and shouldn’t carry with it supra-spiritual overtones). Regardless, we can be sure that paradise is a pretty great place to be. It speaks of rest, relaxation, “taking a breather”. Paul, having been there, speaks of being there, in contrast to being “in the body” (that is to say, in his perishable body living a perishable life in a perishable world), as being “far better.” Personally, I anticipate death and am excited about it; not in some passively-suicidal way, but in a mature and logically-thinking way.

I am of the opinion that the funerals of the redeemed should be joyous occasions where we celebrate the fact that our loved ones now dwell with God and are resting and, perhaps, ruling with God until the day when God remakes the heavens and earth and gives his people new bodies in which they’ll live and reign in this new earth. I want my funeral to be filled with upbeat songs and dancing and I want people to drink good wine and to take shots and to share laughter and love and be jealous of my current state. Yet at the same time, I know that this doesn’t fully take into account the great loss felt by death. It would be super-spiritual to say, “Death is a great gift!” but that’s ignoring the reality of what death is. Death, while perhaps being an integral and beautiful piece of God’s original creation, has taken up the guise of the executioner, now unleashing its wrath upon God’s image-bearing creatures. Death drops its scythe upon all of mankind, and the depth of the loss is felt by everyone. We were not meant to die. We were meant to develop into fully-flourishing human beings and to stay that way. Death brings it all to an (apparent) end. Death is a reminder that God’s new world, though inaugurated with the resurrection of Jesus and experienced in various degrees in the here-and-now, is not yet here in its fullest form. Death still raises its ugly head and suffering still runs rampant. Though defeated, evil continues to flourish and prosper. Death reminds us of this. Even those who have been closest to God, most devoted to God, most in love with God, feel the sting of death. Yet for those who are members of God in Christ, the sting of death is taken away—death is not the end of the story. Jesus rose from the grave. He conquered death. And we who have participated in Jesus’ death and resurrection by aligning ourselves with him and his cross have conquered death as well—though death may sinks its teeth into us, the victory belongs to us and to our King, who has gone into death and come out the other side.

I am reminded of St. Paul’s words to the Thessalonian Christians, who were in great anguish over the deaths of some of their fellow Christians. They presumed that since they had died, then they would not participate in God’s new world. Paul’s rebuttal, seen throughout the letter in various ways, is an adamant “NO!” to this idea. The dead are with Christ in paradise and will get to participate in God’s new world. That strange, apocalyptic, and metaphor-riddled text in 1 Thessalonians 4, where Paul talks about Jesus coming to earth as the royal king to deal with the problems—and the redeemed helping him in that text—give a more-than-certain hope to those who have lost loved ones. Death is not the end of the story. Those who have died are with Jesus, and when Jesus appears, they will appear with him in glory—and those in Christ who have not died will join them! When Jesus appears, all the righteous dead will be flanked at his sides, joining in the “cavalry charge”—and those who are “on earth” will take their stand with their brothers and sisters, will take their stand alongside Christ, and they will receive—we will receive—new bodies and will inherit a new universe where we will live and reign with God.

St. Paul tells the Thessalonians, “Do not grieve like the pagans, who have no hope.” He is not saying, “Don’t grieve.” Jesus wept over the loss of his friend Lazarus—he felt the sting of loss, felt the bitterness of death, even before he experienced it himself. We find Christians mourning over Stephen, the first Christian martyr, while acknowledging his presence in paradise. Death hurts. The loss is overwhelming. Anyone who denied this, especially on religious grounds, is a nut-case. Yes, there’s hope. But that doesn’t eliminate the loss, the pain, the suffering death causes. We are to mourn, but unlike the pagans, we are to mourn with hope. We are to focus on the future, that day when we will be reunited with our loved ones who have been lowered into the ground, that day when we will join them side-by-side and reign along with them in the new universe.

I’m tired and I’m not even going to bother editing this post. These are just things I’ve been thinking about. My sympathies go out to Dylan’s friends and to the family of the woman who died (I don’t even know her name). My prayer is not that people will deny their pain, or try to color it up with religious lace, but will acknowledge the hurt and the loss and, simultaneously, find hope in the cosmic and eschatological future. Though I know that’s easier said than done.

the dayton days (32)

aerial view of Caesar's Creek

Monday. I worked 7:30-4:00, and at 5:00 Tyler and I joined Ams, who's in town, for dinner at Skyline Chili. We played Wii and then went to Wal-Mart and Dad and I self-fumigated the house and the spray felt like pepper spray.

Tuesday. I worked 5-11:00 with Wade, Asenath, Carly, and Tony. Forrest quit and is working across the street at Lexis Nexis. After work I met Clare at I.G.A. and we got waters and went hiking at Caesar's Creek. The old swinging bridge has been torn down! We took off our shoes and waded into the creek and sat down on the rocks and she kept splashing me. We went to the beach and swam for two hours. We grabbed dinner at Taco Bell, and then I dropped her off at I.G.A. so she could hurry to work. Sunburnt and tired, I took a shower and lounged around the house. Oh: Mandy K. is dating someone, that's probably why she cut communication with me this summer. 

Wednesday. I worked 6-1:00 and then had my six-month review and nailed a half-dollar raise. I'm one of the three strong baristas (minus the supervisors). After work I had Subway for lunch. Dylan, Tyler, and Pat D. came over, and we went to North Park and played in the creek, and we headed back to my place for Wii.

Thursday. I worked 5:30-2:00. We had a skeleton crew and were swamped. Partners from Richmond (where Jess Lynn works) and Coleraine covered the evening shifts for a Starbucks outing: canoeing and a bonfire with Jimmy John's subs! 

Friday. I worked 6-8:00 this morning (yes, only two hours) and when I got home I did laundry, worked out, cleaned my room and the front porch. Clare came over around 11:00. I introduced her to Maebe and made her some hot chocolate, and we played Mario-Kart and cuddled on the couch and made out. We took a nap and went to North Park and explored and then she went to work. Clare came by after work and we sat on the back porch, cuddling and watching the stars.

Saturday. I slept in till 9:00 and it was WONDERFUL. I ate light today: just eggs and toast. I went to the Route 48 Starbucks to do some reading (N.T. Wright). I downloaded the Inception soundtrack and helped Dad work on the roof. The weather's beautiful: windy and cool. I broke out my autumn clothes and cowboy boots. I worked 8-10:00 covering for Denise; good times with Abby, Betsy, and Chris. Abby asked if I ever get upset after a review. "No, why?" Apparently girl baristas often cry. "I',m pretty apathetic to it," I said. "I'm not making Starbucks my career." Or at least I hope not. Ams' frustrations with Sarah continue to grow: "She can't pay her bills, and she complains about it, and then she spends all her money on beer, pizza and gas to go to Hamilton every weekend to party it up!" And to make matters worse, she's been laid off from Millennium and has two weeks to find a job. Ams is freaking out, of course, because if Sarah can't pay the bills, Ams is held responsible for rent.

Sunday. I slept in till about 8:00 and went to the Route 48 Starbucks to continue through Wright's "Justification" while sipping an iced chai tea. I worked 3-10:30 covering for Aubree who's in Iowa, and several girls flirted with me. All high schoolers, of course. Things with Clare don't seem to be working out: I like her well enough, but she doesn't want kids and wants to join the Peace Corps for a few years. Nothing wrong with any of that, but there's quite an incongruity between what she wants and what I want.

crucifying the mind

I am constantly reminded at how much I need to reorient my thinking around the gospel. Last night while at work I found myself in the drive thru watching car after car come through. These were nice cars, the expensive kind of cars that only those with bookus of money (or bookus of debt) are able to buy. These were people with nice and well-paying jobs with regular hours. They were handsome men with beautiful wives. I found myself envying them--the successful careers, the immaculate cars, the good-looking physique and the beautiful broads. I kept looking at my own situation--working full-time at Starbucks making minimum wage and having difficulty paying my bills, driving a wretched-looking car that threatens to break apart every time I hit a bump, an awkward body with a massive chest--and I honestly became a little depressed. It gets worse when those handsome men in the nice cars are people I graduated high school with; usually no words are said, but more than once they've laughed seeing me in my green apron handing out drinks and running a cash register. All of this envy and jealousy of their money and social success is symptomatic of a heart that has not yet come in tune with the rhythms of the gospel; it is symptomatic of a mind that is in dire need of renewal. The pride of life runs deep through my veins, and I must crucify it again and again. The renewing of the mind, I think, is no passive thing; it is a hard and at times excruciating endeavor, killing off all those thoughts that lose sight of the way things are and instead seek self-glorification and ease in life. I know the gospel and I know the Christian message--the two are actually not the same thing--and I know the Christian hope; and I know that as a member of God's covenant people reworked around Jesus, my hope is not to be "in the pride of life and lust of the eyes and lusts of the flesh" but in the eschatological victory over sin and death, of a new and recreated universe. A day is coming when, dare I even say it, all my dreams will come true, when I will experience the existentialist's wet dream, being fully and finally who I was created to be and living-out fully and finally that God-given vocation. But right now there is tension, a tension held taught between two historical poles: Easter and Consummation. Evil, albeit defeated, still looms large and heavy and even prospers in its own crippled manner. The world is still characterized by sin and death even though both of them have been defeated in Jesus' death and resurrection. Right now my vocation is not to "live the dream" but to "bear the cross"--and bearing the cross isn't fun.