Monday. I went to the Gym after work and had fish for dinner along with asparagus, mushrooms, and potatoes. Dylan & Tyler came over, and we played Mario-Kart and went to DQ for tasty treats and read through some of my old journals. I read an entry about me and Courtney and how great things were, how great SHE was, and it was depressing. Not that I just want a girlfriend. I don't. I want a girl, a very specific kind of girl. One like Courtney. But being single is better than being with someone who doesn't make me feel alive like Court did. Since this time last year, I've "dated" three girls: Genna, Faith, and Clare. Am I too picky? Maybe. But that's a good thing, right? It's now no mystery that I'm an attractive guy, at least to some. Girls like me, really like me, and then I hurt them. Girls flirt with me all the time. And yet I'm cynical, convinced I'll never find a girl who made me feel as ALIVE as Courtney made me feel. Well, we'll see.
The Last Day of Summer. I spent dusk at Clearcreek Park where Courtney and I made love and where Jess Lynn & I made out. I think everything that went down with Courtney still affects me, at least subconsciously; I wouldn't be surprised. Carly asked me if I'd be a facilitator at the Cincy House Church. I dunno. It'd be like a leadership position, and I'm not too keen on that at the moment. "I'll call you pastor!" she exclaimed; to which I said, "No. Call me Rabbi."
The First Day of Autumn. I didn't work today, did the usual stuff: working out, reading, coffee at Starbucks, went to the Gym, had a healthy dinner. Both Larry from FLCC in Minnesota and Jess Lynn over in Richmond called me, and so did Mandy from Cincinnati. Some pretty big storms rolled through, bringing an end to the recent drought. Mom had her Small Group so I went to Stubb's Park and ran in the rain. Next week I'm teaching on The History of the Old Testament for her.
Thursday. My car had a flat tire when I got off work. I put on the spare and went to the gym, had grilled chicken and mushrooms for dinner. I went back to work to do some reading with espresso and one of our customers, Gus, stopped to talk with me for a while. He's steeped in the Third Quest for the Historical Jesus, doesn't like that I'm reading N.T. Wright, keeps advocating Crossan.
Friday. Apparently Clare is in an emotional HELL over what happened between us. She's been posting it all over Facebook. Two poignant examples:
Maybe I just want to stay here. Maybe I just want you? But I lost you to everything I thought I knew. When will this cloud be vaporized and the fog begin to clear? I feel I just need you near. But I forgot how to love. I just need answers from God. Maybe I want a child, a picket fence, and wood floors? Maybe I just wants to see the world. Help defeat AIDS. Help defeat adventure, please. I need stable ground. A place I found. Suddenly, it all seems worth... less. It all seems like everything I wanted. But I realize, I just want you.
I think it would be difficultTo wish upon a starWhich one would grant your wish?How numerous they areWhen I think of menI feel just the sameNumerous in numberCommon in nameI sifted and searchedBut couldn't find fewThat shined the promiseSo brilliant as youAll the Galaxies in HeavenCouldn't provideWhat you doJust being by my sideI miss you.
I honestly don't know why this has hurt her so much. Ams says it's because I'm "the perfect guy" and those who get to see it don't easily forget. But if I'm such a good guy, why do I hurt girls? Not like with abuse, obviously; but you know what I mean. I just hope and pray she can get over this quickly, and get on with her life. I hope she doesn't experience over me what I experienced over Courtney.
Saturday. Dewenter and I went to China Cottage for dinner. We played some Mario Kart at my place and then Maebe & I met up with Carly at Mad River to talk about this Starbucks group. I'm interested to see how it'll pan out. One of the baristas at Mad River looks and sounds just like Courtney. One of our regulars does, too. I don't like how hearing their voices and seeing their faces triggers antique memories. Truly, Courtney is the only girl I loved, and I can't help but wonder if I'll experience love like that again.
Sunday. It's cold and rainy and I like it: the heat of Summer '10 is leaking away. I went to church at Southwest this morning, and then picked up groceries from DLM and went to Starbucks for a quad espresso and N.T. Wright. I worked 3-11:00 with Abby, Rachel (she's hilarious), and Denise. I told Denise I'm shooting for 135 pounds, and she said I needed to stop. "You're already so tiny!" Rachel exclaimed.
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