confessions

I'm at 139-140# right now. In October of last year I weighed 205. My ultimate goal has been 135#, but I'd REALLY like to hit 130. I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think that even though I look pretty good--not skinny as a rail but not fat, either; "fit and healthy" as I was told by more than a few people--I still "feel" fat. For years I walked around knowing I was obese, knowing that I was largely overweight, always wanting to lose it. Now I've lost it, but I still feel, psychologically, as if I haven't. I still feel as if when people look at me, they think, "Wow, he should lose some weight" or "It wouldn't hurt him to lose a few pounds." I know I'll never be stick-thin, because of genetics and my stocky build, and I'm not hoping for that. I guess I just want to be at a point where I feel comfortable. And that point should be now: I'm well within my healthy weight range, which is 135-145 pounds. Technically, if I hit 134, I would be "underweight" according to different statistics. Regardless, the way I feel about myself at this moment in time, I think, has less to do with what is actually there and more to do with the psychological baggage I've kept with me. I've expressed my desire to lose ten pounds (to get to 129, simply because it would be the least I've ever weighed for the past fifteen years of my life), and almost everyone has told me that I should stop losing weight and just stay where I'm at now. And I wonder to myself if I'll ever get to the point where I'm legitimately content to do that. This type of thinking has led many people down unwise and unhealthy roads; and while I know that I don't have the willpower or determination to become anorexic or bulemic, that doesn't change the fact that I still, in many ways, think like they do. For instance, today I had Subway for dinner. Only 650 calories with the chips. And I had to talk myself into eating it. And I felt guilty afterwards. I've only had around 1200 calories today, and I feel guilty for going over 1000! This isn't a good way to think. Frankly, it's dangerous. But I can't help the fact that I still perceive myself as this obese titan, this unattractive slob, this guy who doesn't take care of himself. I eat healthy almost all the time; I work out one to two times a day; and yet I still feel this way. What's wrong with me? I should talk to my sister about it, cause she's a psychology major at U.C. and knows me better than anyone. I have been considering stopping the "try to lose weight" thing and just eating healthy and working out once a day; I figure that if my body needs to lose weight, then it will do so? I don't know. But guilt itself might make me semi-starve myself (well, I don't really starve; I'm full all the time--I eat a lot of low-calorie, healthy, energy-giving foods). I don't know. I've lost sixty-five and eventually want to hit 75#. I promise that if I reach that, I'll just maintain. But I should probably deal with this self-image shit before things go too far.