Last night I took a hot shower and crept into bed. Since I'd been getting cold lately, I'd brought a warm comforter from home, which gave me three blankets--the jean-quilt my grandma made me, the Mexican blanket from Cancun, and now the comforter--and I felt so warm and cozy. I drifted off at 10:30, thankful that I'd be getting a nice night of sleep and time to recooperate over some losses.

At 1:00 a.m. I was torn awake by a deafening noise. I thought it was in my head, then I saw John crawling out of his bed, muttering and shaking his head. "Fire-drill," he said. I muttered something under my breath, unintelligible in my still sleepy state, and we proceeded to slowly get dressed, muscles barely moving. I pulled on some jeans, then put on a carefully-chosen sweater to hold off the cold, then slid on my shoes, and we staggered out of the building to stand in the cold. I almost fell asleep on my feet, and then it took me a while to actually nod off once we returned to the dorm.

So now I am about to go get some food from the coffee shop, then do some research on stoicism, write a how-to speech on lectio divina for Wednesday, and then waste the rest of my day away, maybe--if I am dedicated enough--reading another chapter in The 12 Caesars. This time last week I was pretty depressed. But the lows of life have passed for now, and I am thankful for the joy in the air, the sweet colors of Fall, and the life I have been gifted. How can I ever think I'm 'looked-over' by God when 30,000 kids are dying each day from hunger??? It's kind of selfish to think, "God, why don't you always make me happy?" as I walk to eat a big meal and think nothing of it.

my statement of belief

I believe the Scriptures are inspired by God and useful in our everyday lives. I believe they have been passed down to us and remain the same now as they did for the very first readers and hearers.

The mission of Christ is to bring the Kingdom of God to people, cultures, and the entire world. Christ’s goal is to return to us the life we lost, the life of intimacy with God, intimacy with others, and intimacy with creation. The mission of Christ is not forgiveness of sins, it is the Kingdom of God.

Christ calls us to become His disciples, to adhere to His teachings and learn what it means to be His follower in our current-day-and-age. Through discipleship we come to know God more and more intimately, and this spills into our relationships with others and our relationship with creation.

The Church is the Body of Christ, or those who are students of Christ living His Way and engaging in the Kingdom of God. The Church exists not only for those who are currently united with God, but also for those who are not. It is the Church’s mission to advance the Kingdom of God into people, cultures, and creation. The Church is comprised of disciples of Christ making disciples of Christ.

God created the earth to bring Him glory and mankind to share in fellowship with Him. Sin entered the world and mankind became separated from God. Jesus Christ came to reconcile us with God and thereby made the Kingdom of God available to all through the forgiveness found in His sacrifice. Jesus Christ is the only mediator between God and mankind. For all those who accept His grace and follow Him, He gives the Holy Spirit as a guide and comforter.

Sometimes it's easy to believe lies and let them direct your steps, so I'm thankful two of my very good friends, my little sister and Ashlie, are there to help me see the lies and move past them. I'm thankful that they don't let me take pity-runs but yell at me and tell me to grow up. They pretty much made my day yesterday. Whether or not things work out in a certain area of my life, they have helped me take a step in a good direction. I trust God and pray that His will, not mine, will be done in all aspects of my life. Doing so takes a load off my shoulders. But does that mean I lay back and just let the world pass us by? No; Jesus told the man, "Get up and walk." And He tells me, "Get up and walk." I have to make a move. I have to take risks. Does it mean life will be easy and everything will fall into place? No. But at least I won't always be wondering, "What if?"

Midterm is over! No more stressing over Bible Lands and Lifeways, Acts of the Apostles, English and Greek/Roman History (though I did get a 98% on my Greek/Roman exam). My week has been highlighted with trips to the coffee shop with friends, sitting on the hill chatting and looking at the city, finishing a book, and just scribbling sentiments into my journals. But in between going to bed at 2:30, surrounded by studying for midterms, we here on the far end of 4N found some simplicities to keep us energized and going. Here are a few of them for your subtle enjoyment:

Little Boy Speaks The Truth

I Like Rusty Spoons

re:thinking sexuality

A friend of mine recommended that I listen to Rob Bell’s latest message, so I took him up on the offer and did so. The message was amazing, you can download it from the Mars Hill church’s website. I could go on for hours about this stuff, but I just want to give a quick summary on some things that God brought to the forefront of my mind:

Our culture has skewed sexuality by paralleling it with the act of sex, with making out or holding hands. But sexuality is so much more. Sexuality is our awareness of disconnection and our searching for reconnection. We are disconnected from God, from others, and from creation, and sexuality is our pursuit of reconnection. Think about it: what is the heart of romance? It is being connected with another. Sex is the ultimate act of being reconnected, to the point of becoming one with another. But sex in this sense is just a small part of sexuality.

Singles can be just as sexual—and even more-so—than those engaging in intercourse. It’s possible to have an extremely active sex life but still be completely disconnected, and therefore sexuality is still starved. It’s possible to sleep with someone but still sleep alone. Some singles are so sexual that they abstain from marriage in the pursuit of reconnection with the intimacies of God, others, and creation. We miss the entire point of sexuality when we align it with having sex.

Our culture is not oversexed, it’s undersexed. Our culture has missed the entire point of sexuality! We’ve missed that it’s about reconnection with God, others, and creation. Therefore, to be sexy is to be in communion with God, with others, and with creation; it’s so much more than the sound of your voice and the appearance of your skin. When we become more and more truly sexy, we become less and less jealous, envious, angry, and frustrated with ourselves. We also become less and less bitter and argumentative and angry and frustrated with God.

My call is that we pursue true sexuality, not the cheap knock-off sexuality seen all over the place.

Yesterday afternoon I watched a great but relatively-unknown movie called Confessions of an American Girl. I highly recommend this movie in every dimension. Some aspects of it are twisted, but the storyline is great. A girl is committing suicide in the opening scene and she says, "Okay, here's my story." The ending is simply wonderful and makes you feel happy and secure, makes you realize things can change, we're not locked into the life that's been handed to us. It really is quite a nice movie.

I spent a few hours studying for my Acts of the Apostles exam with some kids from my class. Acts is simply amazing. My professor has been able to show us so many things an uninformed look misses. It really is awesome. Dad, it's your favorite book of the Bible, and you'd love the class. Sorry you're missing it. We started studying the Romans in my Greek and Roman history class, and I'm loving it. The Romans Rock My World. I have a speech coming up in my Public Speaking class--I'll either do an exposition on the two greatest commandments or look at Micah 6:6-8. No English class this week! And my block class will only be about twenty minutes long. How cool is THAT?

Psalm 73. It's really been an encouragement lately.

So have I been depressed lately? Mom worries that I have been. I'll be honest: sometimes it is still a struggle. There are dark hours of the soul during each week, but they help me enjoy the moments when my brain isn't speaking depression and depression alone. If I had to rate my life from a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, I'd definitely go the eight. My relationship with God is booming, my friendships here are exploding, I have a really easy week this week in two of my classes, and even though I have two grueling exams, they are the last midterms. In some ways, life could be better, but I know that there will never be a time when life is 100% perfect (at least not soon, anyways). In the good times I praise God, and in the bad times I grit my teeth and praise God. But I love God. I really do. I love Him no matter how my life is going, and I'm thankful that He has granted me the privilige of entering into His Kingdom.

God has given me romantic desires. Brian, Forest and I were sitting at Applebee's and they talked about how much they weren't into romance, but I spoke up and said, "I'm 100% hardcore romantic." And they both laughed and said, "Yep." It's how God has made me. It's how He's wired my soul. And I can't believe that He would implant such desires inside me and then leave me no avenue of fulfillment. It's just not His nature.

I know there's a girl out there for me. Will I meet her next week? Next month? Next year? Or even after college? I don't know. But I know she exists, and so there is a flame of hope. I hope it is next week. And if not next week, then next month. And if not next month, then next year. Because of the way He has designed me, to be without romance is almost like starvation or dehydration. It kills me. It slaughters my emotions. Am I unspiritual for this? I don't think so. I believe romance is an insanely spiritual act of worship.

God has told me, "Hold on. Wait. I'm coming to rescue you." He said the same thing to me when I was wrestling with having scarce friends here. I held on. I waited. And now I bathe in friends and we go out on the town every night and have long discussions about life. We play video-games and watch movies, we sit on the hill together and relax in the coffee-shop. I trust God. I know He won't leave me abandoned, a fish flopping out-of-water, suffocating with the rip tide of the times.

My heart breaks for a friend who has lost everything, everything he has known, everything he tried to hold onto, everything that made him happy. He has come to know firsthand the fear that haunts my dreams: not of never having a beauty with whom to share life, but having the beauty and having her taken... And falling into the arms of others. I can't fathom the pain he goes through even now. His life is underscored with tears, and it is my prayer that he runs into the arms and kisses of God, not so things get better, but because that is better. My prayer becomes, "May he know the joy of the King... May his mourning turn into laughter and singing."

Every night I hope and pray
A dream lover will come my way
A girl to hold in my arms
And know the magic of her charms

Cause I want a girl to call my own

I want a dream lover
So I don't have to dream alone

Dream lover, where are you?
With a love, oh, so true
And a hand that I can hold
To feel you near as I grow cold

Cause I want a girl to call my own

I want a dream lover
So I don't have to dream alone

Someday, I don't know how
I hope she'll hear my plea
Someway, I don't know how
She'll bring her love to me

Dream lover, until then
I'll go to sleep and dream again
That's the only thing to do
'til all my lover's dreams come true

Cause I want a girl to call my own

I want a dream lover
So I don't have to dream alone

Please don't make me dream alone...
I beg you, don't make me dream alone...
No, I don't wanna dream alone...

-- Bobby Darin

Bobby Darin. Such a wonderful artist. Really, if you've never heard him, you're missing out. Blows Frank Sinatra out of the water.

And he captures the unspoken voice of my quiet, beating heart.

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? - Micah 6:8 (ESV)

What is it that God wants from me? It's a question we ask a lot, whether we know it or not. Especially now, in college, that question is paramount. I can't avoid it. Here I am, training for a career in the service of God, and I often find myself lying in bed at night, thinking, "What does God want from me?" Finally I've found some scripture that just rings it home. God wants me to do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with Him.

He wants me to obey all of His just commands, from the smallest to the largest.

He wants me to love everyone no matter what, with a real and authentic love.

And He wants me to engage in an intimate, developing relationship with Him, where I become like His Son.

This is what God wants from me, and it's what He wants from you. All the 'special' stuff we do, I believe, comes secondary to this. This is the core of what it means to be a child of God. Do justice. Love kindness. And walk humbly with the King.

It's so depressing sometimes. We have one of the biggest theological libraries on this side of the country, and yet theology is just us guessing at what God is all about. Theology is our attempt to understandand that which cannot be understood, our attempt to define the undefineable, our attempt to describe the indescribable, our pitiful attempts to box in a Being who exists outside time and space. We think we have it penned down but there's an ocean and we've just dipped our finger in the water.

If my goal here is to learn all I can about God, that is a noble goal. But I know that it's almost futile. I will never know what it's all about. Every time I think I've got it all figured out, I need to remember that I've just dipped the tip of my finger into the ocean.

It's very humbling, it really is. We cannot understand God. We can know Him, but we can never really know all there is ABOUT Him. My mind is scientific. I want to know what it's all about. I want to have it pegged down. But I can't. Not with God. None of us can. I must be content to simply follow His Son, Christ, and take Jesus' word on the nature of God. I need to understand that God's love is indescribable, His mercy is indescribable, His grace is indescribable, HE is indescribable. They're indescribable--so why waste time trying to peg them down?

God doesn't tell me to learn all I can about Him. He doesn't tell me to try and figure Him all out. He simply tells me to "do justice, love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8). This is what He desires of me.

**Is studying spirituality, God and the Christian faith bad, then? Not at all! I believe it's to be seen as an act of worship. It's when our goal becomes to know ABOUT God rather than to KNOW God that things get out-of-hand.

College life... eh, busy. Yesterday I did all the research, wrote and completed a paper on Conversion in the Old and New Testaments, sat through a showing of 28 Days Later, shared some accountability time with my pals on 4N, and by the end of the night I found myself in the library till 10:40 doing research for an English project. I thought it was due today, but... Well, I was confused. When I got back to the dorms, I relaxed with Forest in his room across the hall; Brian came in and complained, "Boy, I'm hungry." Forest's face lit up like a firecracker and he said, "Applebee's? I have a gift card--it's on me!" So we rushed out the door and missed curfew, but it was okay, because we spent the evening talking youth ministry and college life.

Today is going to be busy, but since I'm done with my first (and only) English class (and out forty-five minutes early, I might add), it shouldn't be too bad. Throw up on the schedule a revamp on the Conversion paper, more study of the Kingdom of God, as well as memorization for Acts and reviewing for my English exam this Thursday. Oh, and lest I forget, read a chapter out of Seutonius' The 12 Caesars.

I sit in my room now, repeatedly calling my little sister to embarrass her in class. I don't know why she isn't turning off her phone... She asked me not to, but I'm her brother, so I'm obligated to do just the opposite :).

Today marks the "official" day for 1000 copies/downloads of my little story of drama, horror, and romance. I know the actual number is a lot higher because I have the story downloadable from two other websites, and my statcounters report lots of activity there as well. The 1000 copies/downloads comes from lulu.com, which I highly recommend for anyone looking to self-publish.

I never really thought anyone would read this but me and my two cousins. I knew there was some quality to it, though, when my hardcopy stretched across the Midwest, flying through several hands and touching several eyes. I put it online and began to get emails from people telling me how much they enjoyed it, and several told me to get it published immediately. Lacking the patience for 'official' publication, I asked around and found lulu.com. Ever since my book has been available in paperback form or up for free download. Every day therre are more downloads and more copies sold. This is very encouraging for my growth as a writer. Nothing fills you with energy more than hearing that people are liking your work--and demanding more!

With that said, once I finish my current science fiction work--The Rose of Sharon--I plan on putting together a collection of five horror stories, including one of my favorites, The Shadow of the Wolf. I remember my family and I read it aloud on our way to my grandparents' house. Dad hated it, he doesn't like that kind of stuff, but Mom and my little sister were intrigued. Whoever would've thought that writing a short story about stuffed animals sailing with Christopher Columbus would evolve into where I am now?

Sometimes I think we may read or look wrongly at the Sermon on the Mount. Especially the beautitudes. I've seen and heard it said so many times that the beatitudes are characteristics of those who are blessed by God. But when I look down the list, I'm like, "What? Are you saying that we have to weep in order to be blessed by God? We have to be persecuted to be blessed by God?" More and more I find myself changing my ideas revolving around the beatitudes.

Who was the audience Jesus was preaching to? Regular people like you and me. He was teaching about the Kingdom of God, and I think He used the beatitudes to show that the Kingdom of God is open to everybody, not just the spiritual elite. Each point He made in the beatitudes poem is about normal, everyday people being blessed by God by being able, in their brokenness and illness, to embrace the Kingdom of God.

It is just so awesome to think that Jesus doesn't just call the spiritually elite. He calls the broken, the disullisioned, the hurting, the angry, the frustrated, the deprived. He calls the prostitutes and tax collectors. He calls the taken-advantage-of and those who take-advantage. He calls the druggies and the drug dealers. He calls the porn addicts and the pornographers. He calls the atheists, agnostics, and spiritualists. He calls the young and the old, the weak and the strong, the rich and the poor.

"Come, follow Me... And embrace the Kingdom!"

Last night I lit some incense and went onto the back porch. I walked between the tables and chairs and just prayed. I love these prayers, underneath the velvet stars, an intimate dance between me and the Creator. As we tossed our words back and forth, He spoke to me vivid and clear:

“Why do you always blame Me for your shortcomings? Why do you always blame Me for your cowardice? You keep expecting me to throw a girl in your lap. You think I’ll do this because I’m a good Father. Don’t you understand? I’m a good Father! A good Father doesn’t just spoil His child; He teaches him how to live. He teaches him how to fish, how to hunt, how to take care of the house. I am a good Father, Anthony. One of My greatest experiences with you is when you let me teach you and lead you and show you how to live. Why should it be any different in the realm of girls? I’m not just going to give you a girl. There is a beautiful, wonderful and loving girl out there right now, waiting for you. But you have to pursue her. This is how I have designed mankind. You must pursue her. I know you’re frightened of the thought. I know your past experiences haven’t boosted your morale in this area. And I’m not promising that every time you pursue, you’ll be met with smiles and warm hugs. But I am telling you that I will be there with you. I will teach you. I will guide you, through the good and the bad. We are going to pursue girls together. You have to step out of the boat, Anthony, if you want to know what swimming is all about. Are you ready to step out of the boat, Buddy?”

I feel somewhat… hesitant. I haven’t had a very good past in the girl area (and I am to blame for much of it). I’ve always wanted God just to give me a girl and now it seems like He’s saying, “You’ve got to start moving. You’ve got to start walking.” For so long I’ve taken pursuing girls and developing my intimacy with God and divided them, but now it’s almost like God is saying, “You can strengthen your intimacy with Me through pursuing girls!” I know it sounds crazy. But this is what I believe God is telling me.

My romantic tragedy is complete! I am quite the happy camper. It's not one of my more moving and exciting books, I'll be honest. It's pretty much the most depressing book you'll ever read (if you read it). For the past month or so I've been scribbling it out on paper and laptop, and four hours ago I completely changed the ending and skipped two classes to finish it. It's beautiful, isn't it?

I've always wanted to write something that didn't have to do with war and bloodshed. I wanted to write something that wasn't horror and suspense, either. If I had to classify this as something, it would be drama. The book format is actually a kid's journal, so you see lots of the wiring of his mind, the flow and fluctuation of his emotions, and he takes you into his conversations and relationships. I think the characterization works well, too.

Needless to say, I'm happy. I think it's a wonderful book, though it won't leave you jumping for joy. My goal is to leave the reader... uneasy. If you're into romances, you might want to check this one out. I'm thankful it's over, though. It was making me depressed for the last week.

Mom. Dad. I didn't really skip classes.

Am I the only person who ever gets frustrated with Christianity?

Am I the only person who thinks Christianity may, more and more, be missing the point of Jesus?

Am I the only person who is sometimes hesitant to call himself a Christian?

Am I the only person who is often frustrated with what is done in the name of Christ?

Am I the only person who thinks a big gulf is growing between Jesus and Christianity?

What if Christianity becomes the greatest danger to the mission of Jesus?

I find myself identifying with Paul:

This is my life work: helping people understand and respond to the Message. It came as a sheer gift to me, a real surprise, God handling all the details. When it came to presenting the Message to people who had no background in God's ways, I was the least qualified of any of the available Christians. God saw to it that I was equipped, but you can be sure that it had nothing to do with my natural abilities.

And so here I am, preaching and writing about things that are way over my head, the inexhaustible riches and generosity of Christ. My task is to bring out in the open and make plain what God, who created all this in the first place, has been doing in secret and behind the scenes all along. Through Christians like yourselves gathered in churches, this extraordinary plan of God is becoming known and talked about even among the angels!

The call to ministry runs in my blood, and I enjoy every minute of it. Every moment spent talking about the Message, either over the phone or online or in person, every moment spent writing about the Message, either on this blog or in essays or books, every moment spent teachings others the riches and beauty of the Kingdom of God, every moment of exploring and understanding the gospel in new ways is exciting and thrilling. God has made me for this.

I remember when Mr. Fox was giving the lecture on evolution, he handed out a paper for us to take home and fill out. I took it home and filled it out. And I filled the margins with all my creationism arguments against evolution. I was a die-hard literal 6-day creationist, and evolution was the antichrist. When Mr. Fox saw it, he thanked me for my comments but made sure that I knew that I had to know the evolutionist's view of things for the test. I said, "Of course," and was proud that I had defended God.

Here's my confession. If I ran into Mr. Fox today, I would tell him, "I believe more in evolution than I do 6-day creationism."

They call it cognitive dissonance. It's humanity's inherent desire to ignore unpleasant facts. For too long I ignored the obvious facts that warred against my 6-day belief: the age of the universe, the fossil record, etc. I tried to explain them all away, but under my veil of 'facts' that proved the earth was young and such, I felt a certain discomfort, like I knew I was perverting the truth.

I have come to realize that if my faith in God is real, then science is not the enemy, but the ally. Science is wonderful. It is beautiful. And as a follower of Christ, I believe it is my mission in this world to explore and develop my intimacy with creation. And to me, this means understanding how it works--and how it all fell together.

I know evolution has holes. I know 6-day creationism has holes. I imagine the truth lies somewhere between.

Ironically, that which drew me into my 6-day belief was a misinterpretation of the scriptures. I believe that the beginning of Genesis is as symbolic and evocative as the middle-to-end of Revelation. The original readers/hearers of what we know as Genesis 1 would not have seen it as literal, but rather as proof that however it happened, God was at the center of it.

And even science can't deny that.

Kudos to a great friend who, knowing my struggles, helps me out in my dark times. We all need friends like this guy, and I am thankful to be one of his! He showed me this quote and it just spoke to me in so many different ways.

[N]o one warns young people to follow Adam's example. He waited till God saw his need. Then God made Adam sleep, prepared for his mate, and brought her to him. We need more of this 'being asleep' in the will of God. Then we can receive what He brings us in His own time, if at all. Instead we are set as bloodhounds after a partner, considering everyone we see until our minds are so concerned with the sex problem that we can talk of nothing else when bull-session time comes around. It is true that a fellow cannot ignore women-but he can think of them as he ought-as sisters, not as sparring partners!

God spoke to me yesterday through Roger's sermon. It feels like God is telling me, "You know I have a beautiful, smart, and wonderful girl for you. But as long as you make girls the center of your life, I am not going to let you have her. Make ME the center of your life. Once you can do this, and do it without pretense, then I will bless you with the girl you've always so strongly desired (and she so strongly desires you!). I don't do this to be mean. I do this, simply, because I love you. I really, really, like you."

At the end of the Hell House in the movie I posted about yesterday, all the visitors were hoarded into a room where one of the members of the church told them, "Okay. This is the most important part of the Hell House. You've seen what's been going on, you know what will happen to those who live immoral lifestyles. Now you have a choice. Either you can walk out of here unchanged, or you can be a born-again Christian." Then he pointed to a door and said, "If you want to be born-again, go through this door. You will get out of all you've seen and be able to embrace Heaven." And lots of people went into the room and people prayed the sinner's prayer with them.

My mind wanders...

1) What if you're already a Christian? What do you do? Do you have to be born-again again?

2) I despise the "Sinner's Prayer." Read the gospels. What Jesus calls for is SO much different.

3) How many people became Christians? A lot. How many people became disciples of Jesus (Jesus calls for disciples, not Christians)? Not so much. I'd bet hardly any at all.

4) These people 'accept Jesus' 'into their hearts' because they're afraid of Hell. This is like going into a marriage for the benefits, not the love. This is sick, wrong, and twisted. I remember Jesus' words to the Pharisees, and the weeping of God found in the prophetic book of Amos, and I know that God wants our hearts to beat for Him for Him, not for blessings or getting out of Hell or anything like that. In fact, He hates it when we go to Him for any reason other than out of sheer love and devotion to Him. How many of the people who 'accepted Jesus' into their hearts really adore and love God because of Hell House?

5) Perhaps I am way out of line, but... What if Christianity is the greatest danger to Christ's mission???

Last night I watched a movie called Hell House, with the tag-line "This Church Wants to Scare the Hell Out of You." The Hell House was an Evangelical Haunted House set up to scare "nonbelievers" into "accepting Jesus as their Savior." The movie was, to sum it up, a documentary version of Saved!

You could easily take my comments from my post on Saved!, put them in right here, and have no conflict of interest. But for the sake of it, there are two things I wish to bring up. Two things, I guess, that really bothered me about the whole thing (two big things amongst many others). First of all, they did the typical thing and focused on all the "really bad sins"--abortion, homosexuality, drugs, alcohol...--and said, "If you do these, you're going to Hell!" Actually, I don't think we're going to Hell so much for what we've done but for who we are (sinful creatures; the sin is the fruit of our sinful core; this changes when we enter the Kingdom). A lot of the people organizing the thing, however, looked like modern-day scribes and Pharisees. Judgment, condemnation, despising had the upper-hand. Whatever happened to compassion, mercy, forgiveness, real love? It seems to me that Jesus cared more about hypocrisy and judgment and condemnation than He did about homosexuality, drugs, alcohol, etc. Straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel, I guess. That dead dog.

Second point. They kept talking like Jesus was about entering the culture and destroying it. I just don't agree with that. I think Jesus subversively enters and consequently redeems culture, whether it is American culture, Indian culture, Buddhist or Islamic culture, Western European culture, etc.

Okay. Three things. I found it interesting that so many people were turned off by the Hell House. One person made the remark, "This is why people are against Christianity. It's because of people like you." Or something of that nature, I really can't remember. People say, "Well, Jesus ran into the same kind of hatred."

Yeah. From the religious elite. I think we need to rethink our evangelism paradigms.

And how many people who 'accepted Jesus into their hearts'--a term that is not biblical and which I have a major problem with--are actually meaning it? I don't think God wants us if we're just going to go to Him for fire insurance. I believe He is looking for people who love Him for Him, not for what they can get. I mean, if we go to God just to escape Hell, it's like getting married for the marriage benefits, but having no real passion. What's the point?

Maybe I sound like a negative little antibody. I'm sorry. There are some things about Christians and Christianity I just don't understand. Some things about Christians and Christianity that are just so... foreign to the gospel.

Recognizing that my calling had been given by God, James, Peter, and John--the pillars of the church--shook hands with me and Barnabas, assigning us to a ministry to the non-Jews, while they continued to be responsible for reaching out to the Jews. The only additional thing they asked was that we remember the poor, and I was already eager to do that. - Galatians 2:9-11, The Message

"Save the Children" is the leading independent organization creating real and lasting change for children in need in the United States and around the world. It is a member of the International Save the Children Alliance, comprising 27 national Save the Children organizations working in more than 110 countries to ensure the well-being of children. Jesus has a deep passion for children and I'm sure it breaks His heart that 30,000 kids die each day of starvation. Thanks to organizations like this one, we have the chance to really reach out and spread the Kingdom through the monetary gifts God has given us. We are never more like Christ when we love those around us and allow our love to reach out through our sacrifice. Neo from A New Kind of Christian says, "We live in the most affluent culture in the most affluent period of human history. If we can't discipline ourselves to learn the joys of generous living, I think we're an embarrassment to the gospel."

If you've been reading my blog, you know I've been feeling convicted for materialism and squandering the monetary gifts God has given me. He has called me to be more generous, and if I can do it, then anyone can. And that's not cliche, that's bare-bones fact.

Peace to all of you...

It is in the gentle silence, with the windows open and the sun sinking behind the trees, that the desires come again. So often they are squandered and left to drown in a sea of busyness and relentless activity. Often they are forgotten in the hectic life in which we find ourselves in. But when we escape, when things quiet down, and when we are left with nature, God, and our own thoughts, we find that the desires are not dormant, but active and breathing. It is simply in the silence that their voice is heard, a soft whisper in the heart that draws our souls to ache.

Popularity, fame, wealth: none of this is my dream. I don't want recognition or applause. I want a simple life. I want friends who are pursuing Christ, I want a wife who I can talk to about anything and who will always be there for me and I for her, and I want children, and I want to watch them grow up and get married and have families of their own. I want to pastor at a small church, either with adults or kids, and I want to teach discipleship to Christ and bring the gospel message to light. I want to lead myself, my family, and others to experience and live Kingdom. A small house, a white picket fence, sleeping in on Saturdays and going to my kids' baseball games. Barbecues and parties and beautiful Sunday gatherings filled with laughter and love.

The Evil One always sows seeds of doubt, and I am pained at the thought: "What if this desire is never realized in flesh-and-blood, but is left forever to be an empty desire within me?" My prayers are laced with the groans of this desire, but no matter what, I will follow God, whether or not He brings this desire to completion in my own life. He is still my first and foremost Love, even if, sometimes, let me be honest, it doesn't seem like it.

Every Tuesday night the R.A. (good ol' Trevor Crego) gives us a small little message after Doc Rob leads us before the Throne in worship. Tonight Trevor spoke on Philippians 2, where we are called to follow Christ's example of humility. Trevor threw out good points, showing how Jesus washing the disciples' feet was so bewildering and confusing to them because they expected a Messiah who would kill people and destroy all their enemies and become a great and mighty worldly King. He said, "The people got it all wrong. Jesus came and did everything completely opposite of their expectations." Perhaps this is why Jesus said to John the Baptist's messengers, "Blessed is the man who doesn't fall away on account of me." Blessed is the man who doesn't turn from me because I'm not what he expected.

This got me thinking. The Jews who expected a militant overthrow used the scriptures to back up their beliefs. They knew the scriptures very well and probably figured, "We've got God's Word on this." But then it turned out they were interpreting the scriptures completely wrong. Jesus didn't fulfill their expectations. He fulfilled the scriptures, but not in the way the Jews thought he would.

And this line of thought drew me and continues to draw me to the second coming. So often we think we have it penned down, how and when it's going to happen. And we have scripture to back up our beliefs. I see a little bit of those Jews in ourselves, and I expect we are going to be more than surprised at how--and even when--it all happens.

Something that really irks me is when someone has an interpretation of the Bible and says that his interpretation is the only interpretation and if you don't agree with his interpretation, then you're not filled with the Spirit. It irks me when someone says that the KJV is the most accurate translation and that it is the only translation: the others are all somehow evil and perverted. It irks me that we can come to believe that we have God all figured out. I discover new aspects of God and Christ every single day. I am broken and rejuvenated every single day. I will never have it figured out. I know where I stand in the scheme of things.

Fall is finally here. Wow. I love the season for so many reasons. Memories float back to me--memories of picking pumpkins with my family, memories of cold hayrides, memories of hot apple cider, memories of turkey and mashed potatoes and--my favorite--pumpkin pie. I'm excited about being able to wear pants and sweaters now. I think I look better in pants and sweaters, too, so there's a confidence-builder.

All this week I have been captivated by the words and logic of Brian McLaren. His words just cut right through me and build upon my faith, even if that means crumbling some perceived ideals. His words just resonate with me, and I'm drawn away from him and to the wonderful, loving, passionate, and redeeming Savior of the world. I am reading several chapters a day, taking notes, absorbing and contemplating. I mean, all during my forty-five minute drive from Cincy to Springboro I contemplated John 14:6. I am so thankful that Doug and Mike led me to him through several conversations. I have a few of his books already and am searing through them, and plan on asking for his others (as well as a few Leonard Sweet books) for Christmas.

In class today, I taught about Hell, but hopefully in a light that really isn't touched a lot. I talked about what Hell would be like, then pointed out it's not our position to decide who goes to Hell, but we need to worry about our own selves. I spent most of the class talking about how Heaven and Hell aren't so much destinations but continuations of the lives we live now. For those who are intimate with God, intimate with others, and intimate with creation through Christ, they experience intimacy with God, others and creation in an eternal and newly-made universe. For those who are opposed to Christ and His Way, who live a life of separation from God, they are granted their wish--an eternity separate from God, from others, and creation, left to bathe in a sea of regrets, despair and hopelessness.

Yesterday Ams and I ate out at Skyline Chili (awesome times) and I made the mistake of ordering a chili-bean burrito. Why is this a mistake? Well, it was loaded with more cheese and lettuce and sour cream than I could handle, and when Dad and I smoked our cigars beside the fire and talked about life, the two didn't mix well, and my night concluded with me emptying my stomach all over the grass. I still wouldn't trade in the time spent on that deck nor in that restaurant, though. It was so much fun with both of them. Now I need to do something with Mom other than just see her on the weekends.