re:thinking salvation

The ancient Jews’ idea of “salvation” was much different than how modern Christians often view salvation. To the ancient Jews, salvation was being rescued from death, sickness, disease, trouble, distress, fear, and (mostly) enemies. Ancient Israel bathed in conflict in oppression: first they were oppressed by the Egyptians, then they were at war with the Philistines, Amalekites, and Amorites. The Assyrian Empire swept down and oppressed them, then the Babylonian Empire took over. The ancient Jews knew oppression under three more great empires: the Medo-Persians, the Greeks, and the Romans. Near the birth of Christ during the Roman occupation of ancient Palestine, we can see that the Jews expected the Messiah to redeem them from the oppressive Romans (Luke 1.69-75, as an example).

Many modern Christians have a view of salvation that is all about heaven and hell. Jesus came to save us from our sins, yes (Matthew 1.20-21), but heaven and hell are not the bottom line: we are not merely saved from the consequences of sin. Many Christians will say, “Salvation means we get to go to heaven instead of hell.” Yes… but it means so much more.

Jesus said, “Salvation is much more than being saved from your earthly enemies and from just being saved from eternal destruction.” The salvation Jesus speaks of is a here-and-now salvation; it’s not just about eternal life after death! In fact, Jesus speaks more of life here-and-now in the kingdom of God than consummation and life in the consummated kingdom of God. When looking at the gospels, we see that salvation includes being rescued from fruitless ways of life, being freed to live in a new and better way. We see that salvation is sharing in God’s love for all creation, and it involves sharing in God’s kingdom and mission in our world. The salvation Jesus preached was for the here-and-now; life in the “next” world is not where Jesus’ attention was focused. Jesus offered people (and continues to offer) a spiritual transformation that would make them into a new kind of people in the world: a selfless, serving, sacrificial, humble, and kind people, a people delivered from the hostilities, fears, and guilt that drain life of its joys. The salvation that Jesus offers involves becoming new persons who live out love and justice in the world (and being able to partake in the kingdom of God fulfilled in consummation!).

We must receive this salvation. Many people believe that salvation is found simply by praying a sinner’s prayer or just by giving assent to a body of facts. The scriptures say otherwise: the scriptures say that we receive the gift of salvation through faith (belief in and trust in Christ), repentance, confession, and baptism.

God invites us to join Him in His mission for the world, a mission that is founded on love and justice. God invites us to join Him in an intimate dance. He invites us to embrace a new way of life, a life that is foreign to the animal-nature of humankind. He invites us to become a new kind of people in the world: our world is filled with people who are selfish, greedy, and indifferent; God calls us to become--by His grace--a people who are selfless, generous, and serving.

I took this picture Sunday before bowling. I look so young! It's hard to believe I'm almost twenty years old.

This is Lizzie. We are ninjas. My ninja name is Mason lo Cuando; hers is Baja. Her boyfriend Andrew's ninja name is Long Duck Dong. We even have our own online club. An Egyptian girl goes to our school, and Lizzie asked me my ethnicity because she thought my eyes looked Chinese, and I said, "I have no ethnicity--I am ninja!" Haha. Lizzie is one of the funniest girls I know; she reminds me of a female version of myself, haha. And she looks like a turtle in this picture.

This is me and Monica playing ping-pong. She is pretending to smack me in the face with the paddle. Ever since I got here, I had never won a single game. The second day back from spring break, we played five games and I beat her in four of them. Now she always wants to play. John Price, the sniper from Iraq, broke the paddles, so now we have to play with wooden plates peeled off the floor.

One of my best college friends, Caleb, beside Monica (on the left) and Cassie (on the right). It's crazy how tall we are. We're going to be roomies next year. Today he had to go to a three-hour class, and Brian and I were talking about how happy we were to get to take a nap. Once I get going, the wise-cracks don't stop, and because Caleb gets ticked off easily, I was soon on the ground and he was beating the heck out of me. It was hilarious. He didn't hurt me, though. As he left for class, he rubbed my little blond head so I knew there was no tension between us. He's a great guy; he says I'm the little brother he never had.

Cassie didn't have any pictures of the two of us together, so she took this one. I post it on here because I look so cute in it, I think, haha. One of my other friends said, "Why are you afraid to get close to girls? You should've wrapped your arm around her." I don't know why I'm so cautious and apprehensive around girls. It's like I'm afraid of physical contact for some unknown reason. Oh well. That won't last forever, I promise you that :)

So that was my Sunday night in pictures.

Last night I went to the View with a chai tea, sat down on the bench, admired Cincinnati glistening beneath my feet, and spent time in reverant prayer before GOD. Life is so confusing right now, for me and for most of my friends. While there are those whose lives are going really well - Rob and Jessica, Brian and Megan, and Caleb, and Nate, to name a few--there are many of us whose lives are marked by confusion. Two of my good friends--Cassie and Monica--are cousins, and their uncle is on the verge of death. Both are suffering a lot right now. Monica is going through an academic emergency; hopefully things will work out. Tim is looking for something worth living for, and he is dealing with major depression. Joe is questioning his faith. So many people here are lonely. My prayer is that GOD will use me to bring comfort, peace, and perhaps even joy into those who are suffering. My prayer is that GOD will comfort them in their suffering, come to them in their suffering, make His presence known in their suffering. My prayer is that GOD will enable them to see the world through a perspective that transcends the "earthly" dimension.

Suffering blows. It really does. Yet we cannot escape it, not in this lifetime. Anyone who thinks suffering can be avoided, anyone who thinks life can be a bed of roses, is sadly mistaken. One of the greatest lies in the preaching of modern consumerist Christianity is that being a Christian and following GOD means that one's life will become a walk through a prairie, that life will start making sense and that suffering will be nothing hard to handle. The truth is, everyone is subject to the pains and disappointments of life, subject to the agonies of life in this planet. For now we see through a glass darkly, weeping and shuddering in pain, doubting and wondering, struggling along, limping at times. May the peace of Yahweh descend on all those who suffer; He remembers them, He hears their prayers, and He whispers: "Consummation. It's coming."

Consummation: a new heavens and a new earth, where we will be reunited with loved ones who passed, where we will no longer know the pains of life, where we will know longer no grief and suffering, but will live our lives with peace, joy, and laughter. A time is coming when we will all live wonderful lives in a newly created universe, a time when we will not experience loneliness or depression or heartache. The pain that greets us now is the whispers of our heart: "You are not meant to live like this." But live like this we do, for we have fallen; yet the Messiah, Yahweh enfleshed, has redeemed us and promised us a wonderful, beautiful, and majestic future. We suffer now; let's join our hands in the suffering, be there for those in the suffering, and never lose our perspective: a new day is coming. And, as is the truth, it may come at any time!

I used to pray that the Messiah would not come during my lifetime, because I did not want to go to a place of eternal clouds and harps before I could experience the pleasures of this life. Now, understanding what lies at consummation, even catching a glimpse of its beautiful mysterious, my heart aches and cries out: "Come, Yahweh, come!" When suffering comes, and it always will, I remember what lies ahead, and I put my hope and trust in the promise of Yahweh:

"Pay close attention now: I'm creating new heavens and a new earth. All the earlier troubles, chaos, and pain are things of the past, to be forgotten. Look ahead with joy..." - Isaiah 65:17 (the Message)

There are so many things which I want to change about myself. Here are some of the things I want to change in my life as I close out the first [amazing!] year of college:

1) Deepen my intimacy with GOD through the spiritual disciplines of prayer, meditation, fasting, and scripture reading.

2) Eat well - I want to eat organic like I used to. It's healthy. It's so hard to break bad eating habits. I also want to exercise my body daily.

3) Seek that which ought to be sought - most people live seeking the pleasures of this life, in whatever form these such pleasures might come, but I want to seek that which is to be sought: GOD and His kingdom.

4) Care more for others than for myself - when I was in junior high, I was always the reject kid. I remember how lonely it felt, and I remember crying myself to sleep at night many times. I vowed never to become one of those who excludes others; I know the pain. Last week I found myself as the one who was excluding, and when I realized it, I felt so horrible. I want to reach out to those society spurs, I want to embrace them and show them a love that has no agenda.

5) Really live - I want to live the God-life. I always get caught up in futile pursuits, thinking that earth in its present state is my home. I wish to just devour the gospels and live the way Jesus tells me to live, for I know that his teachings show us the way we are really meant to live, and living them brings great joy.

6) I want to simplify my life. I've made life so complicated when it's really so simple.

7) I want to be more Christ-like: more selfless, more humble, more sacrificial, more serving, more kind. I know this comes by no amount of sheer willpower; I will only experience this by GOD's spirit entering me and changing me.

"Disaster strikes!" as I used to exclaim. On the way to bowling last night, we went through a back entrance that was under construction. We hit something--we think it was a speed bump--that broke the rusted gas line along the Jeep undercarriage. When we parked and got out, everyone started shouting at me. The stench was unimaginable. Seeing all the gasoline dripping out, I panicked and shouted, "Someone, get something to capture the gasoline before it runs away!" Everyone just stood watching me as I quickly rummaged through the Jeep, found a 16-ounce styrafoam Speedway cup, dove down onto the ground (into the gasoline) and thrusted the coffee cup underneath the leak. Not only did I cover myself with gasoline and ruin one pair of clothes (thankfully, crappy clothes), but the gasoline mingled with the styrafoam and created napalm. "You're such a moron!" my roommate exclaimed. "Do you realize that you just made napalm?" We had the Jeep towed and did not get back onto campus till around 1:00 late last night.

I have a feeling that today will not be a good day. I don't know why I have this feeling; it's a gut feeling that I've had ever since I woke up. I'm just praying, "GOD, make me able to bear whatever happens!" Thankfully, I don't have any homework. The plans for today are simple: hang out with friends (Ashley is in town) and maybe go to Newport tonight with Ashley and Monica. I have another gut feeling that it won't happen, though. Thankfully, I am able to see Ashley and Monica as friends alone. A few nights ago, I went to Newport with them again, and it felt weird knowing that I'd been attracted to both and been turned down. Oh well, that's how life goes.

I took this quiz to determine what my personality is. It was only two questions, but it's amazingly accurate:

"I am at peace"

Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

• If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.
• I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this.
• Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
• Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.
• Ask me questions to help me get clear.
• Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
• Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
• I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
• Let me know you like what I've done or said.
• Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

What I Like About Being a Nine

• being nonjudgmental and accepting
• caring for and being concerned about others
• being able to relax and have a good time
• knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
• my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
• my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
• being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being a Nine

• being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
• being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
• being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
• being confused about what I really want
• caring too much about what others will think of me
• not being listened to or taken seriously

Nines as Children Often

• feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
• tune out a lot, especially when others argue
• are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

Nines as Parents

• are supportive, kind, and warm
• are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

Life is simple, it really is. We just complicate it so much. I need to try and simplify my life.

How come things always have to be confusing? I hate confusion. Yesterday about four hundred people asked if me and Monica were together. "No," I said. "No, we're just friends." One of my good friends said, "She treats you like she likes you." "I thought so, too. We were wrong the first time." "Maybe she justs likes you because you'll give her the attention." "I don't know." I went into my room late last night after a Skyline Chili run with Brian, and John asked, "So, are you and Monica married yet?" It's really confusing. I was happy with just being friends, and I am happy with it, but now everyone's words are making me think of her like that again, and I don't want to. If there was something to be had in the relationship, then I wouldn't mind the feelings, but I know nothing is there. I just don't want to like her. I want to like someone who will like me back, and until then, I don't want to obsess over this. I've been trying to spend less time around her.

Brian and I were talking at Skyline, and I said, "It's just so confusing. She never said she didn't like me, but I think that's what she meant. She says she wants a boyfriend really bad and flirts with me, then she says she doesn't like me. Now she's starting to cling to me again. Gosh, I don't know what to do. The mystery is the worst. I'm going to talk to her, I guess. See what's up, you know?" Brian nodded. "Good idea, Man. Good idea."

At D-Group last night, I told the guys, "You all know how much I struggle with my romantic desires while having no one to romance. You all know how hard it is when those you empathized with move on to find romance, and you're still alone. You know how confused and bewildered I am much of the time--feeling like GOD is distant, seemingly apathetic, yet knowing otherwise. Recently I have 'given up' on girls, in the sense of abandoning always trying to get or find a girlfriend. One of my dreams for freshman year here was to finally have a girl whom I desire and who desires me; apparently, this is one dream that will not be fulfilled this year. Upon deciding to 'give up' and embrace 'let come what may,' I expected to be depressed. Yet now I feel liberated. My focus is drawing back upon GOD, and I am beginning to feel the presence, joy, and peace of Christ again. It makes me think, 'Why in the world did I ever make girls my primary concern?' Now, I know that there will still be suffering in the 'girl arena,' as I call it; but so far, the more I suffer, the more I really experience GOD, feeling His presence and hearing His voice. I don't know how to explain it; I just feel... so free. I feel... alive. You know?"

I was walking across campus and A.J. ran up to me. "So what's going on between you and Monica?" "Nothing," I told him. "Why do you ask?" "I was curious. I mean, you two are always together. We're at a Christian college, where that means you're going to get married." I'm not always around her; I hang out with her a lot, yeah, but I spend time with my brothers on 4N a lot, too. I told him, "I asked her on a date a little while ago, and she said yes, but then she said no because, according to her, she wasn't ready to date." I added with a chuckle, "That's okay by me. I mean, she bluntly say no to everyone else who hits on her--and she gets hit on a lot--but I got an original yes, so at least there's something to be happy about." Everyone is asking me about me and Monica. I don't see our relationship going anywhere; in all honesty, I still like her a little bit, but it's not infatuation or anything. She's a cool girl, but I think she just wants friendship, and she's a good friend.

Monica and I got together to do Foundations of Education homework when Kyle sat down to join us. "Forest wants the camp job, too, but you said yes first, so the application is in your hands," he said.

"I really hope I get it," I said.

Monica looked up from her homework. "I'm sure you'll get it."

The three of us hung out for a while; Kyle left, but Jessica Cadwell took his place. Monica and I were taking turns on my laptop doing homework, and she had it at that time, so Jessica and I just sat back and talked: very good conversation and much laughter. She's a funny girl, but she had to go to class. Monica and I continued to do our work until Brian came by and said, "We've gotta go, Buddy." Our meeting in the library for a "WorldFest" booth on Judaism didn't take too long. I am in charge of learning how to dance like a Jewish person would dance in their culture. I tried to take a nap before dinner, but it did not work out (I've had the poops!). Rob and I went up to dinner, and Monica showed up right after having gone to the gym. She told me, "Make sure I eat healthy!" so I did. She's been crazy for dieting and exercise, even though she's thin as a washboard. "I've got to be fit for soccer," she said.

My forty-day fast is halfway over. I believe GOD has been telling me two things over and over (note: if you think we cannot hear GOD's voice anymore, read "Hearing God" by Dallas Willard): first, "I will bring the girl to you. She is real. You will be together." He also says, "Seek Me--seek Me first, and I will provide the girl." Regarding seeking Him, a quote by Colin Creel in Perspectives captures what I am "feeling":

Seek [GOD] first, even when things do not make sense, even when everyone around you seems to be receiving their hearts' desires, even when your heartfelt prayers go seemingly unanswered, even when you cry yourself to sleep at night. Our God is good...

Life has been fantastic lately. My evening last night was spent in the coffee shop from 6:30 to 11:00 writing a paper I forgot was due (I think I did a really good job, too!). While I was eating dinner, Lindsey sat down and said I should take my laptop down to the coffee shop and do homework with her (we have a tradition of hanging out at night in the coffee shop and doing our homework together; I do my measly freshman work and she works on her specialized junior studies). So we hung out and drank coffee (well, chai tea) and talked. Her boyfriend Artie came by and hung out with us. Monica hung out before she went to the gym with her roommate, then she called me to hang out but my phone has been turning on and off so I missed the call. She came into the coffee shop and exclaimed, "I called you!"

I pulled out my phone and said, "Sorry, my phone's been turning on and off."

A girl I call my big sister--Jessica Yarnell--was sitting there; she took my phone and started flirting with me to make Monica uncomfortable. Monica eventually left, and Jessica gave me back my phone and explained what she had done. I looked over at her boyfriend Rob, who said, "I didn't pick up on it."

"Neither did I," I said.

I awoke this morning to snow everywhere. Monica and I met in the coffee shop to eat, and Nate decided to join us. We all swapped stories as we ate. It was a rushing good time. Nate had to go to class, so I went into Student Life to see who was in there. I spent three hours hanging out with Lizzie, Monica and Trista. Trista and I were going to play ping-pong but there were no ping-pong balls; once I bought two to play with, she had already left. Monica decided to play me, and I dominated. All my freshman year I have been known as the short kid who sucks at ping-pong; people play me to warm up. Today Monica and I played four games, and I won three of them; she barely won the fourth. I went into the coffee shop and Chris said, "I've seen you in here three times!"

I said, "I hear you've been assassinated?" and he replied, "Yeah. Dave gutted me with a sword."

"That sucks, Man."

"He was watching me from your window!"

"I know, Man."

"Why didn't you warn me?"

"I didn't think about it," I said as I left. My hand crumpled against the door and my face slammed into the glass. I laughed. I'm pretty clumsy: I've fallen out of the tall chairs here about four or five times, and I always fall when I play ping-pong. Yesterday I tripped over a chair in the dining hall; luckily I wasn't carrying any food.

Monica, Trista and I were hanging out when Kyle came by. "What are you doing this summer?" he asked me.

"Hopefully working at a coffee shop."

His face fell. "Oh."

"Why do you ask?"

Monica blurted, "He has a job opportunity for you."

I eyed him. "Really?"

"Yeah," he replied. "Andrew, Lizzie, and I are on a camp team this summer. We need another counselor to work full-time. I thought you might be interested? The camp is by Lake Erie, and the pay is $175 a week. It's not too much, but you're not really spending it in the middle of the woods."

I love working with kids, and I've always wanted to work at a camp. I asked him what the job would be like, and he said, "Basically, you ferry kids around, you play games with them, and every night you give a small devotional to the kids in your group." I told him I was very interested and asked what the chances are, if I decided I'd like the job, that I would get it. "You're pretty much guaranteed," he said. We're making plans to get an interview. I am going to email my parents and sister and tell them what I might be doing. This is my passion.

Monica said, "I'll be there some," and Trista might be working part-time. She works at the Cincy Zoo right now.

I'm going to write a short story, I think, then tonight Monica invited me to watch American Idol with her down in the coffee shop. So I'm probably going to do that, then maybe go the soccer games. I don't have any homework, though. As Heather said, "It's a beautiful day!"

Over the past couple months, I have been filling journals with pages after pages of notes on theology in the hopes of discovering what the gospel of Christ really is; it started off as a mere interest and has evolved into a passion. I plan on writing a book through my discoveries; right now, I'm studying salvation and have reached the topic of baptism. To be honest, I find myself divided: is baptism needed for salvation or not? Pray that GOD will show me the truth. One thing this undertaking has showed me more-than-ever is that I will never be able to completely understand GOD. He is a being wrapped in mystery; I mean, how can we understand a being whose footsteps are the thunder and whose canopy is space? How can we understand a GOD who is one and yet three at the same time? How can we understand a GOD who ordains what will happen and yet lets us choose what will happen? GOD is a God of paradox; He is a great mystery that cannot be solved by mathematical formulas or through cryptic scrolls. The truth is, we are not called to understand GOD; we are simply called to worship Him, to serve Him, to love Him, to be with Him (now and into eternity). I have been forsaking my intimacy with GOD lately, depriving my times of "desert communion," as John Eldredge calls "quiet time."

My study of the Pauline epistles abated for a little while, but I have picked it up again. I have my studies written for Galatians, Ephesians, and Philippians, and I have the notes for Colossians and 1 & 2 Thessalonians. Right now I am going through the book of Romans. Thankfully I have several good study Bibles, for some of Paul's language seems too technical for my feeble mind to grasp. As I begin to understand what he is writing, I am captivated more and more. My O.T. History class was amazing today. I am going to take all the O.T. classes I can (especially with Dyke).

I am 160 pages into No Perfect Ending, and so far it seems to be going pretty good. However, my creativity level has been drained lately. I am considering taking a break and writing several horror short stories. I am pretty good at horror stories. In fact, I'll put one of my favorite short stories--The Shadow of the Wolf--on here sometime. My family was captivated, and the ending is pretty sweet.

Experience the kingdom among you today...

The past several weeks have been amazing. Through this fast (although it's not specifically a Lent fast, I explain it as such to people so there's not a whole lot of explanation involved) God has been slowly revealing things to me, many of which I have written about on here or on my xanga. One of the things God has really been showing me (especially this spring break, which is over in... two hours) is that, while He has designed me and given me a purpose of being a good husband and a good father (I think), I have blown this out of proportion and made it the focal point of my life rather than Him. About a year ago, I still struggled in this area (as I have for about six years), but I experienced such joy that my sufferings became absolutely miniscule. I want to experience this joy again, and I know how: connecting with Yahweh. I have really been putting my intimacy with Him on the backburner.

Last night Cassie, Rochelle, and I drove to Hamilton to visit Caleb's family and eat with him. We hung out and played with his dogs, then Cassie wanted to see a movie so we went to the Danbarry Dollar Saver in the Cincinnati Mills mall and saw Cheaper by the Dozen 2. I found it quite entertaining. Tonight, many of us went to Skyline Chili: Brian, Dafoe, Caleb, Heather, Cassie and I. Yesterday when I went up to Caleb's house, he thought Cassie and I were doing it as a date. He told Brian that it was a date, and Brian started laughing--more like hollering--in the middle of the hallway. It took me a while to convince them it wasn't a date.

This week should be... okay. I have a ten-page paper to research and write tomorrow, but other than that I have an easy week. I have realized that my suffering in the whole "girl arena" isn't as intense when I'm off-campus. I think this is because, while I am at campus, there are so many girls "looking" for a boyfriend, so many couples everywhere, and engagements and weddings left and right. Romance surrounds you. When I'm at home, it's just me and the incense and the birds in the morning... not to mention the classic pleasures of family and friends.

Over spring break I read two wonderful books, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (I will post on this sometime later) and A Sacred Sorrow (I want to use the lesson I learned in it for a class one of these Sundays...). I recommend both of them. Yesterday, as I drove my aunt all around Fayette County in Kentucky, I began reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. My appreciation of it is bitter-sweet.

I love the way he deals with grace, the way he shows how we are beloved by God how we are, that God adores us despite the sin, that we are called by grace to embrace a higher life (one of my fears was that this book would be teaching cheap grace, the idea that we don't really need to pursue righteousness, but Manning has mentioned many times that we are called to pursue righteousness, even though we will undoubtedly sin along the way, because we are human). He has taken several scripture passages and looked at the culture behind them to show how impacting Jesus' words "Unless you become like little children, you shall never enter the Kingdom of God" were to their hearers, as well as the impact of his dining with the riffraff.

Yet there are some things he says that I find flatly unbiblical. Some have accused him of being a universalist, and while I don't see it explicitly said, I can see where they're coming from. The scriptures clearly teach that those under grace are the ones who embrace the gospel, yet those who do not are still under the wrath of God. To be honest, I wish it weren't so, but that's the way it is. He also teaches that salvation is from faith alone, yet the scriptures include repentance, confession, and baptism as necessary for salvation.

I'm back in the 'Nati. Checking out the incoming freshman, cleaning my room, writing a little bit, studying a little bit, and then going out to eat tonight with a bunch of friends. Oh, and I just realized that a seven-page paper on modern Judaism is due Tuesday. Guess what I'll be doing Monday, hah.

I tossed and turned all night long in grandma's guest bed, my thoughts a war-torn mess. More than once I mentally cried out to God for clarity: "You're telling me something, I know it, but I'm not seeing it!" The confusion continued unabated, a jig-saw puzzle being shaken around inside the box--then, suddenly, the puzzle pieces came together before me, and I believe I saw what God was trying to tell me between those crazy bursts of sleep.

It was her.

All of my confusion and suffering and questions fell away, replaced with an incredible joy I cannot put into words. I felt the peace of Yahweh overcome me. I didn't see her in the sense of seeing the tone of her skin or the color of her eyes, nor did I hear her in the sense of hearing the sweetness of her voice or her gentle laughter. No, I saw that part of her that is hidden behind the flesh--the part of her that would make her beautiful no matter what she looked like on the outside. I saw her true beauty.

I saw her agape love, her care, her compassion. I saw her selflessness, her humility, her peace. I saw her joy, the Life within her, and I saw her passion for the divine. I saw her hopefulness, her radiance, her humorous spirit. I saw her energy--the energy of life imparted by Yahweh to all His children. All week long I have wrestled with this, struggled with this, fought through the feelings--feelings of abandonment, feelings bordering on hopelessness (feelings akin to those David and Job and Jeremiah and Jesus experienced, feelings that I could deny to look more spiritual, but would rather explore to find true humanity). I believe God showed me the girl He had planned for me--a girl so radiant on the inside that the outside does not even matter. He showed me, "This is who I have for you--see, I have not forgotten you, have not abandoned you--you are certainly not hopeless with Me watching over you and guiding your steps!"

How long? my soul cries out, echoing David in psalm 13. There is no direct answer, no giving of the day, the month, the year, the time; there is simply the voice of God's Spirit whispering to me in my inner being, the sanctuary that is the heart: "Trust in Me. Hope in Me. Wait--and watch!" My cry of lament evolves into praise, praising the one who will bring this girl to me, the one who will bring to me a girl with whom I can share the joys and sufferings of life with, one whom I can comfort and one who will comfort me, one I can encourage and who will encourage me, a girl who will love me like she's loved no other man--and I will love her like I have loved no other woman! We will join our hands, be joined in holy matrimony, and we will worship and serve Yahweh together--now and into eternity.

So now I trust in God. I put my hope in Him. I spend my days serving Yahweh and serving others. My hope is in God; Matthew Henry, commentating on psalm 130, captures the heart of my message:

I wait for the Lord; from him I expect relief and comfort, believing it will come, longing till it does come, but patiently bearing the delay of it, and resolving to look for it from no other hand. My soul doth wait. In his word do I hope.

As I sat at Starbucks several nights ago, sipping chai tea, Bona encouraged me to read a book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I actually owned the book, but I had never cracked the cover. Instead, I slid it into my closet and never touched it, innately afraid to do so! I was afraid that the book would convince me that there is no value in dating, that God would throw a girl into my lap, which I don't believe at all. However, since it is spring break and I don't have much to do, I decided to start reading it. I've just finished Part One.

I actually like the book! Why? Because it is raw, honest, and practical. I've read many books that tell us when we give dating "over to God," life makes sense and there's no suffering. The author is realistic: "God made us for intimacy between man and woman, and a lot of times--most of the time, really--it's painful not to have that intimacy." The author isn't advocating giving up dating, either; he is just building a case for a different "kind" of dating. He isn't saying, "Give up on dating!" He's saying, "Accept your singleness as a gift from God, and do not pursue romantic relationships until you are ready for commitment." He adds, "And when you do date, make sure you date in a way that is honoring to God, not just a plethora of physical and sensual pleasure."

The book has been bringing many things into focus, things I continue to chew on:

Although we are made for romantic intimacy, we are not incomplete without it.

We must re:discover what biblical love is and see how it conflicts and contrasts with our American culture's brand of love.

Singleness is an amazing gift from God, giving us much more room for service and abandon to Him.

We must be careful about pursuing romance without commitment--biblical romance is interwoven with commitment.

Music has been bringing memories rushing to me: Behind Blue Eyes makes me remember when I picked up Christ from the Junior High on his last day of school after finishing eighth grade; now he has a beard that makes him look like Osama bin Laden and he is touring with a band all over the place. Linkin Park makes me remember the days when I would sit up in my room, dinosaur books sprawled all around me, dreaming of being a paleontologist one day; now I have shelved my dinosaur books and dedicated myself to advancing the kingdom of God. La Grange reminds me out the days when Dylan and I would roll around town in his slender Mustang (he wishes); now we hardly see each other, since he is in Tennessee training to become a missionary and I am caught up in studies in the 'Nati. When I close my eyes, Sweet Home Alabama brings back the day when Brian, Alex, Caleb, Megan, Becky, Cassie and I drove down to the Ohio River and walked along the parkway, laughing and goofing off and just enjoying the days before the semester began.

The scriptures tell us that Yahweh rejoices over us with His own songs. I wonder, when those songs are played in His temple courts, what memories does He have of me? I imagine He remembers our mountaintop experiences: when we connected in deep intimacy, wrapped around each other, feeling the closeness; the times when it felt as if he were closer than my own skin. I imagine He remembers our valley experiences: when I knew suffering, grief, and pain, when I cried out to Him with tears, lamenting in the shadows; He was always there, quieting me with His love. Yet I know that what He does not remember is all the times I have rebelled against Him, when I have turned my face from Him, when I have gone astray. He has forgotten these (numerous) times, and now He smiles over me with joy and singing.

I have dreamt (very humble dreams) about "her" every night I've been on break: I want to forget the girl! Yet I know that I do not deserve the girl; the truth is, I do not deserve the gifts Yahweh has given me, I do not deserve the gifts Yahweh has in store for me. Yahweh's hesed [loving-kindness] and charis [grace], given to those who do not deserve them, are to be celebrated. Yahweh is to be worshipped; for what have I done, who have I been, who am I that He should even look upon me? Yet He calls me His own, and He gives me a future and a hope! "Blessed be the name of Yahweh!"

The American Dream, so-worded by early European settlers moving into north America, was the belief that through hard work, courage, and determination, one can achieve financial prosperity. There is nothing wrong with this statement; in fact, I believe it to be true. Over the years, however, the American Dream has become something quite different. In the 21st Century, the American Dream is seen as the belief that material wealth is the true measure of success and happiness.

The American Dream misses the entire point of happiness. This is easily seen by all of the high-rolling businessmen and women who have money sliding through their fingers like sand in a sieve, yet they fall into sexual immorality or drug and alcohol abuse or plain suicide. All of this should raise red flags: the American Dream is not the end-all solution to the problem in our hearts. If it were the solution, why would those who "attain" it feel so empty, so hollow, so... alone? Why would they attempt to find true happiness in other areas: drugs, alcohol, sex? Why would they finally give up and leap from fifty-story buildings? The American Dream - success and happiness is found in material wealth - is not working.

And why should it work? Humans are not designed in the way that the American Dream supposes. At the heart, our problem is not lack of wealth; it is lack of intimacy. In the Garden, we experienced intimacy with God, intimacy with others, and intimacy with creation. Because of our selfishness, greed, and indifference (commonly referred to as sin or "lawlessness"), these intimacies were shattered: now we ravage the environment, we use and abuse others, and we worship false gods. And when we pursue the one true God, we constantly get caught up in smaller pursuits. We live in a fallen world where loneliness and suffering and pain and grief are on our doorsteps, on the front porches of our lives (and breaking the windows into our hearts too often). When we try to suave the pain away with material wealth, we dig a deeper hole; why? Because not only do we ignore the three intimacies - the loneliness we experience stems from this! - but we give in to greed and hope that it will bring us happiness. It never does.

The American Dream is flawed because it has an inaccurate view of what humanity needs. Humanity does not need more wealth, we do not need more malls, we do not need more movie theaters or strip joints. We need more intimacy. Not cheap intimacy, either. Don't confuse biblical intimacy with casual sex. At the heart of human suffering is the need for intimacy; it makes sense, then, that true happiness is found in intimacy with God, intimacy with others, and intimacy with creation.

The purpose of the cross, I believe, was to shatter the Fall, and in so doing, make these intimacies a reality for us now. Jesus said, "The Kingdom of God is among you." But it is not complete; the Kingdom of God we experience now is a mere shadow of what is to come. We can experience intimacy with creation, intimacy with others, and intimacy with God, but these intimacies are often played-with, toyed-with, twisted and abused. We still neglect creation. We still hurt and use other people, even within God's community of the Church. We still neglect our relationship with God and run after other things. We are fallen creatures in a fallen world, and although we are redeemed and although we are being transformed by God's Spirit within us, we are still fighting the sinful/fallen natures within us. And so we still experience loneliness.

The American Dream is not the answer to loneliness. We will never escape loneliness in this lifetime; the closest we can get, however, is found in Christ. In the end, there will be consummation - there will be a new heavens and a new earth, and there we will experience unbridled intimacy with God, intimacy with others, and intimacy with creation.

The American Dream is powerless to help us, yet so many Christians (oftentimes, including myself) think that it is the answer. We are plagued by it, poisoned by it, choked by it. Yet we must abandon it. We must recognize that it's claims are empty, that it's promises are lies. We must run to Christ, for in him we find true love, joy, and peace, and only in him will we one day experience that what we all desire so strongly: true happiness.

"Why am I here?"

This is a burning question. I believe in a general purpose for our lives (see: Rick Warren), and I also believe in a specific purpose for our lives. When we neglect these purposes, our lives ache; and we cannot engage in specific purposes without first engaging in the general purposes. I have The Purpose-Driven Life in my closet; but that book won't help me with the scalding question of God's specific purpose for me here in this life. I believe, however, that God has revealed to me over the years three specific purposes for my continued earthly existence (see: Dallas Willard, Hearing God):

1) To advance God's Kingdom through teaching and preaching

2) To be a living example of God's message

3) To be a good husband and a good father

To be cut-off from these purposes is to be, as God created us, incomplete. This feeling of incompletion--a feeling of suffering, akin to one losing a limb and not being able to function rightly in the world--is not due to any fault of God's, but rather to how He, in His wisdom and love, decided to design us.

Oftentimes I feel "unspiritual" for suffering with romantic desires. Many people tell me, "Get over it. It's no big deal." They even say, "Good Christians don't marry--instead they focus all of their intimacy on God." I want to kick these people in the balls and scream, "You don't understand!!!" I am beginning to realize that I am no more or less of a "good Christian" because I suffer. In fact, all of the great characters of the scripture--Job, David, Jeremiah, even Christ--suffered mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual anguish.

See, it's somewhat heretical: "Is God enough for me? Yes... and no." Yes, in the sense that salvation and life are found only in Him. No, in the sense that this is how He designed humanity. Many people say, "All we need is God--we're created only for Him." This is blatantly ignorant of the scriptures. We need God and others and creation--it is an echo of the pre-Fall world.

So as I sit here, I suffer. As I sit here, I feel incomplete. And as I sit here, I run after God, worship Him, serve Him, hope in Him, and trust Him.

Tomorrow's topic: "The American Dream"

And the minute I get home to escape the clamors of C.C.U.... I can't forget her.

Dang it. Girls suck.

This afternoon I finished reading The Restless Heart by Ronald Rolheiser. I believe I have discovered another Christian writer whose works I would like to collect; in my mind, he’s up there with my favorites: Dallas Willard and C.S. Lewis. In The Restless Heart, Rolheiser talks about the major types of loneliness, how loneliness is seen in the scripture, how loneliness can serve a positive force in our lives, and then he spends some time writing about practical steps one can take to help ease the pain of loneliness.

His words on the loneliness of “alienation” (being removed from intimacy with others) struck a chord within me. I am thankful for my intimacy with God, my family, and my multitude of friends, yet there is an intimacy I desire to partake in but yet have had no true opportunity to do so. Alienation is a loneliness that strikes everybody at different times in varying degrees. Rolheiser’s practical approach to this type of loneliness hinges upon one action we must take: risks.

Human beings are fearful creatures. The greatest force hindering humans from true intimacy with others is fear. Rolheiser says that humanity is “imprisoned” by a bad self-image, and we fear that we are unlovable, fear that others will reject us, fear that we are not good enough for intimacy. We are ashamed of our own bodies, ashamed of the dark corners of our minds, even ashamed of the people we are. Rolheiser’s words ring true with my own life: “We are not strong enough, or self-confident enough, or sure enough of our own lovableness to risk putting ourselves on the line. The fear of being rejected is so great within us that we would sooner not make ourselves available to love than to present ourselves openly and risk being rejected. We would sooner live in loneliness than risk getting hurt.” The simple solution to overcoming this fear is to risk more. He writes, “Only when we risk enough to let someone hurt us are we risking enough to let someone love us. When we make ourselves available enough to be hurt, we will finally be available enough to be truly loved. We must, despite fear and shame, and despite the fact that we might be rejected and hurt, reach out.” Rolheiser is realistic when it comes to taking risks: “It is risky to expose ourselves in friendship and love. At times we will make fools of ourselves, at times we will be rejected, and at times we will get hurt. However, most times our honesty and vulnerability will meet with acceptance, gratitude, and the counteroffer of a deeper friendship and a more satisfying intimacy.”

Life has been really good lately. I have slept well, enjoyed my days, and enriched my friendships. I've been spending lots of time in prayer this Lent, and God has been speaking with me in many different ways. We must only open our hearts and our ears to hear His tender voice. Today is my birthday; I'm nineteen years old. Everyone on campus is wishing me a happy 13th because I look so young.

Yesterday Caleb and I drove home where I got my haircut; some people don't like it, others do, but the majority--by far--says it looks very nice. I plan on letting it grow out again--such is the cycle! We also had floor devotionals with 3Rhine, our sister floor. One of the professors gave the message, and Vinnie and Doc Rob led us in worship. Afterwards, a lot of us stayed behind to play a game called "Killer." It was good fun.

Today, Lizzie, Monica, Micah and I accompanied A.J. to Acme Tattoos on Vine Street; there, he got a tattoo of a cross with the initials of two friends of his: one died in a car accident, and the other was murdered two weeks ago. Tonight a bunch of us are going to CiCi's pizza to celebrate my birthday. The food sucks, but it is cheap. Jessica Yarnell--a Senior here at C.C.U., dating the floor "dad" Doc Rob--said, "We need to have a birthday party for my little brother!" So we got together and planned this. Right now I have some time to bust; I think I will accompany my roommate to the dining hall.

Spring break starts Friday after classes are over. I hope to take Ashlie and Amanda to the Newport Aquarium Saturday; one of my friends works there and might be able to get me free tickets. The beginning of next week is going to be spent at home, then I might go to Kentucky. I just received word that one of my friends here is going to go camping at Caesar's Creek near the end of break, so I might just do that. Besides, gas is expensive, and I'd have to drive all the way from Kentucky to Springboro to teach on Sunday... I don't know what I'm going to do.

Yahweh sees us.

In my Old Testament History class, Professor Dyke has been leading us through the Exodus, showing us things that a casual, modern-day American reader would not pick up on. It's a wonderful class, the only one I do not dread going to. We have been talking about the Exodus, and it's all very fascinating, but what stands out to me is how God was silent for 400 years before suddenly showing up. Many of the Israelites had grown cold towards God, thinking, "He has abandoned us," and they lived lives of hopelessness. Yet, out of nowhere, in line with His timing, God shows up in a beautiful, horrifying, blunt way, directly intervening and forcing the Israelites and the Egyptians to know that Yahweh is God.

As I go through my life, there are periods where God is silent. There are periods when I do not hear His voice, when I do not feel His presence. There are periods where, in the quiet, my thoughts begin to question whether or not God is really there. I am not ashamed of this; it is the human nature. And God does not punish me--rather, He will reveal Himself in subtle yet very clear ways. He will tell me, "I am here. I am in control." Many people have the idea that God is always visibly active in our lives; they will point out to the great stories in the scriptures, the stories where God's miraculous acts and His saving hand and outstretched arm are clearly visible. Yet what they do not realize is that God is more often silent than He is vocal. In Genesis, God's direct hand is seen many times, but near the end of Genesis, it is not seen, yet we know He was in complete control. For 400 years the Israelites were enslaved to the Egyptians, and it seemed as if God had abandoned them. In truth, He was there with them, He was acting in history, though secretly.

See, usually God takes a deus absconditus role, working in secret, working behind the scenes, secretly bringing His plans together. This is how He has chosen to work. Yet there are times when God takes on a different role, a magnolia dei role: He blatantly, bluntly, and directly works in history, making Himself vividly known. A lot of Christians often struggle with faith when God does not make Himself constantly known. For instance, a Christian may lose heart if he or she experienced a revival where he or she felt the empowering Spirit of God, but has not experienced one in a long time. We need to accurately understand how God works in our world and in our lives--if we understand this, it is easier for us to trust Him.

In the Old Testament, periods of silence from God always precede periods of God's visible revelation and action. The Israelites experienced 400 years of slavery before God's magnificent acts recorded in the book of Exodus. There was 400 years of silence after the last prophet Malachi before a man by the name of John the Baptist came on the scene, proclaiming a Kingdom that was near at hand. (Hmm... 400 years between the Israelites' enslavement and their miraculous deliverance, 400 years after the last O.T. prophet and the coming of the Messiah... any connection?) As we go through periods of silence in our lives, we must not lose heart. We must "keep the faith," as the old adage goes, just as Moses' family did. God may now be working in secret, in silence, but the silence will arch into a wonderful crescendo of music.

"I stand between the saint and the sinner, chasing after holiness, close enough to grasp, but still it's just beyond my reach. Who I am is in-between: what I want to be and who I am." - Unknown

As I look at my life, I begin to realize how much God has given me. I begin to realize how much Yahweh has blessed me. I do not deserve any of it, but yet He lavishes His love and grace upon me. See, He is a wonderful God. Not only has He reconciled me to Him in His Kingdom, but He has given me a great, amazing family, a multitude of friends, and a beautiful future. He has taken the life of a self-indulgent human being, made it worth something, and now He is transforming me and spinning His plans into my life. Lying in bed last night, I realized how truly blessed I am. God has given me so much; the question is not, "God, how else will you bless me?" but, rather, "God, how may I bless You by blessing others with all the blessings you have given me?" For to him who is given much, much is demanded.

During this Lent fast, undertaken for the purpose of gaining direction and enlightenment in my life, I have taken one book of the Bible to focus on. This book is written by an unknown Teacher, and it's called "Ecclesiastes." As I read it over and over, more and more begins to stand out to me. I went to Clearcreek Park yesterday to read and pray, and as I read chapter 9, God spoke to me: "Humans will never understand Me. It's not possible. You can dedicate your lives to trying to understand Me, but you will only be able to catch a glimpse--if that!" He then added, "So what should you do? Fear Me, and keep My commandments. A wicked man may sin all the time and lead a good life, and a righteous man may suffer every day of his life. Yet the righteous is better off, for he fears Me."

Notice the Kingdom around you today.

"We are made to be in ecstatic union with God and with others... and with creation... We experience loneliness when we are not in ecstatic union with God and with others and with the world... We experience this [loneliness] at every level in our being: spiritually, in our thirst for God; aesthetically, in our thirst for beauty; psychologically, in our desire for love and unity with others; emotionally, in our desire to feel a oneness with others and with all things; intellectually, in our thirst for experience and truth; and physically, in our sexual tensions." -- Ronald Rolheiser, "The Restless Heart"

Isaac and I went to Waffle House to drink coffee and study. We talked about Ecclesiastes. Its message: "The world is $@#%ed up. Fear God and keep His commandments."

There is nothing like sipping chai tea and studying Genesis in the coffee shop. Kudos go to my friend Nate, the supervisor, who through on some Straylight Run "just for me." As I study Genesis, I am captivated at the numerous stories. Captivated with the stories of broken people being used by God, people who screw up all the time, people who suffer doubts and character flaws. Anyone who thinks the patriarchs are saints needs to actually pick up Genesis and read it. A simple reading will blow all such ideas clear out of the lake. Of all the Genesis stories, the slaughter at Shechem in chapter 34 is my favorite. It's just so chillingly epic.

So sings Straylight Run: "Big shot screaming, put your hands in the sky; he says, 'Give it up, boy, give it up or you're gonna die. You'll get a bullet in the back of the neck, in the back of the neck right between the eyes.'" This is terrible advice. Never give up. I want to die with a few scars. Live adventurously. Relish the moment. Take chances. Make life worth living--we all end up dead anyway.

What blessings has God given me, and how can I use them to glorify Him?

"What if the trials God sends us are not so that He can find out the quality of our faith--for He already knows--but that so we can see it ourselves?" - C.S. Lewis, "A Grief Observed", page 52

Today has been a really good day. God has really been teaching me through my trials and troubles. Speaking to my D-Group, I said, "I'm thankful for all the emotional suffering I've been through; it's served, in a way, as the foundation for the evolution of my faith. And a foundation built on suffering is a solid foundation."

"We're moving forward, but holding ourselves back, and we're waiting on something that will never come." (Straylight Run) I want deeper intimacy with God. I want to feel His presence wherever I go. I want the reality of reconciliation to be real in my everyday life. I want the Incarnation to be a reality for me. But if I stay where I am now, I will never get deeper. If I stay here, I am safe. I am still loved, cherished, and accepted by God. But so much more awaits--if I wish to seize it, I must move. It will not fall into my lap.

I've decided to transform my 40 Day fast into a Lent fast. I have changed some details of the fast, too; instead of fasting from my computer, I am fasting from sweets, meat, and video games. Upon fasting for the first day or two without my computer, I realized how much I needed it (I almost was unable to turn in a paper, hah). So I've decided to go the sweets, meat, and video games route. When I get bored, I turn to sweets; now I will dedicated that time to prayer. I am a fiend for meat, so this is a real discipline for me. I am also addicted to video games, especially hours upon hours of LAN video-gaming.

God has already been speaking to me through the fast. Part of the reason I am undertaking the fast is to gain guidance and direction for my life. God is beginning this, I believe, by showing me the faults in my character. He has revealed that I complain too much, I often do not take holiness seriously, and basically that I have a lot of straightening up to do. I took these convictions outside, and reading through Job's prayer to God in chapter 42, God and I connected for some moments of intimacy.

I have yet to shower, then D-Group at 10:00, followed by (maybe) a soccer game at 11:00. I do not have to get up in the morning, so I'm not worried about staying up too late. If Brian comes back tonight (he's at his parish in Kentucky), we might take some cigars and go down by the river to blow off some stress.