I tossed and turned all night long in grandma's guest bed, my thoughts a war-torn mess. More than once I mentally cried out to God for clarity: "You're telling me something, I know it, but I'm not seeing it!" The confusion continued unabated, a jig-saw puzzle being shaken around inside the box--then, suddenly, the puzzle pieces came together before me, and I believe I saw what God was trying to tell me between those crazy bursts of sleep.

It was her.

All of my confusion and suffering and questions fell away, replaced with an incredible joy I cannot put into words. I felt the peace of Yahweh overcome me. I didn't see her in the sense of seeing the tone of her skin or the color of her eyes, nor did I hear her in the sense of hearing the sweetness of her voice or her gentle laughter. No, I saw that part of her that is hidden behind the flesh--the part of her that would make her beautiful no matter what she looked like on the outside. I saw her true beauty.

I saw her agape love, her care, her compassion. I saw her selflessness, her humility, her peace. I saw her joy, the Life within her, and I saw her passion for the divine. I saw her hopefulness, her radiance, her humorous spirit. I saw her energy--the energy of life imparted by Yahweh to all His children. All week long I have wrestled with this, struggled with this, fought through the feelings--feelings of abandonment, feelings bordering on hopelessness (feelings akin to those David and Job and Jeremiah and Jesus experienced, feelings that I could deny to look more spiritual, but would rather explore to find true humanity). I believe God showed me the girl He had planned for me--a girl so radiant on the inside that the outside does not even matter. He showed me, "This is who I have for you--see, I have not forgotten you, have not abandoned you--you are certainly not hopeless with Me watching over you and guiding your steps!"

How long? my soul cries out, echoing David in psalm 13. There is no direct answer, no giving of the day, the month, the year, the time; there is simply the voice of God's Spirit whispering to me in my inner being, the sanctuary that is the heart: "Trust in Me. Hope in Me. Wait--and watch!" My cry of lament evolves into praise, praising the one who will bring this girl to me, the one who will bring to me a girl with whom I can share the joys and sufferings of life with, one whom I can comfort and one who will comfort me, one I can encourage and who will encourage me, a girl who will love me like she's loved no other man--and I will love her like I have loved no other woman! We will join our hands, be joined in holy matrimony, and we will worship and serve Yahweh together--now and into eternity.

So now I trust in God. I put my hope in Him. I spend my days serving Yahweh and serving others. My hope is in God; Matthew Henry, commentating on psalm 130, captures the heart of my message:

I wait for the Lord; from him I expect relief and comfort, believing it will come, longing till it does come, but patiently bearing the delay of it, and resolving to look for it from no other hand. My soul doth wait. In his word do I hope.