It has been a difficult few days. My depression has been making a comeback, but I am thankful for family and friends who have been there at my side to help me fight through it. When it strikes, it seems—at times—impossible to fight. It just consumes you to the point of tears. You find yourself looking around and wondering why you are the way you are, wondering why God didn’t make you someone else, trying to find an ounce of security and understanding but finding none. It is in those dark hours that trusting God is the hardest, because it seems—in the mind—that He has totally abandoned you.

I want change so badly. Kyle and I went to Vineyard Westside this morning, and on the way back a song played over the radio: “Thank You” by Paul Wright. He sings, “Father in heaven, forgive me for sinning. My spirit is strong but my flesh is weak, and all that I desire is a brand new beginning where I will rise, I will fly, I’ll win.” His words resonated within me. I wish I could begin this year anew. I wish I could stop myself from making the same mistakes, wish that I could do things I regret not doing, wish I could just be a better person. But the beauty in the redemption is that God always opens the door and calls out to us, “Come, and start afresh.” We still have to live with the consequences of our mistakes, but God opens up new doors and begins painting a masterpiece—often better than His original masterpieces that we somehow tainted. He is a gracious, loving, good God. Sometimes, in my depression, it is difficult for me to align my heart with my head. It is difficult for me to align my logic of the goodness/grace/mercy/love of God with what I secretly believe to be true in my heart. I confess that I have struggled more than once with viewing God as sadistic, finding pleasure in making us hurt, torturing us day-and-night by giving us our dreams and then taking them away.

Amanda came down yesterday to keep me company. We hung out with Caleb, Monica, Trista, Kyle, Sarah, and Emily. Brian even stopped by on his way through from the hospital, visiting one of his youth group kids. It was good to see her again, since I hadn’t seen her for a week and did not go home this weekend. I have lots of homework to do, so I must get off here.

Peace be with you. Be warm and well-fed.