the saga continues...

Ok, so here it is: over the past few months I've come to be quite attracted to, in more ways than one, a good friend of mine. When the feelings started developing, I sifted through them and tried to make sense of what was happening. I didn't want to be attracted to her, and I certainly didn't expect it to happen. But sometimes when you get to know someone--and I mean really know them, being open and honest and vulnerable--sometimes you'll end up finding yourself romantically attracted to them. It happens. Sometimes (if not most of the time) this happens with the worst timing and in the most unfortunate circumstances. Indeed, the timing and situation of all this is certainly the opposite of optimal. Because I knew she was suspicious, and because I value honesty in our friendship, I told her that I like her. This happened on Wednesday, I think. We talked about it, and she's kind of attracted to me, not turned off to the idea of being with me, and is actually pretty optimistic about it; but at the same time, we're in different spheres of life and she's not at the point to invest in a committed relationship. She didn't ask me to wait for her, and I didn't tell her I would, but ultimately the question is raised: to wait or not to wait? There are pros and cons to both, especially when the future is so damned unclear. Nevertheless, I take my good friend Carly's advice to heart: "Don't do anything." Just continue engaging the friendship; don't crucify nor feed my feelings. Let things flesh out however they'll flesh out. Easier said than done, of course. In the end, though, no matter how this turns out, I'm so thankful that the friendship remains, for the most part, unaffected. We're still great friends through all of this, and in our conversations about this--which have involved brutal honesty from both members of the party--there has been much laughter and openness and vulnerability, all without judgment. That's very refreshing.

I told Mom about all this, and she said, "This happens to you a lot, doesn't it?" It seems for some people, you like someone and they like you and then you have a great and enjoyable relationship. For me, however, the timing's always off, or the circumstances aren't exactly prime, or we're at different phases in life, etc. "The saga of Anthony Barnhart continues," my mom told me. Amidst all this, I'm fluctuating between all sorts of emotions--peace and contentment about it, overwhelming anxiety, bouts of depression and anger (directed towards either myself or life in general), and then back to peace and contentment. It's really very strange. I really don't know what's going to happen, and part of me is hopeful while another part (the cynical part, which seems to ebb and flow with increasing speed and depth) isn't holding out any hope whatsoever. I guess we'll just have to see what happens; life has certainly taught me this to be true.