I have been going through some spiritual struggles lately. It happens to all of us. My prayer life has dwindled, my time with God has narrowed down to nothing. I begin to feel the effects of this decreased intimacy with God through lots of worry, anxiety, and a general restlessness. On top of all this, my teaching ability decreases drastically. I taught a lesson on "forgiveness" this morning, but it did not go well. It is really sad. I hope that some people, at least, could take something I said in my inherent ramblings and apply it to their lives.
As of lately, I have really been struggling with embracing the forgiveness that God gives me through Christ. See, I know the ins-and-outs of forgiveness; I can write a five-page paper on forgiveness in no time flat, but yet it's nearly impossible for me to really feel the joy of forgiveness. I know that I am forgiven, for I have come to God in faith and repentance, but yet the guilt and shame still remain. I hear the whispers of evil in my ear: "Look at the person you've been, look at the things you've done. How could God ever love you? How could God ever forgive you?" And then he brings Julie into the picture: "Look at how great a girl she is. How could God ever let you stay with her? He's going to make sure you guys don't stay together, because she does not deserve you at all." Julie and I talked about this, and she encouraged me a lot. She's praying hard for me, and I am so thankful for that. It's so hard sometimes! I (honestly) believe that God wants me to be with Jules, at least right now; with Sonja I knew things weren't going to work out, I knew that it wasn't where God wanted me, but I pursued it anyway because I thought it would help suave my depression (notice: a girlfriend will not help balance out chemicals in the brain!). But with Julie, I feel that this is right--we both do!--and so the enemy throws a lot of flak my way because of it.
I hope to spend much of the day in prayer, getting back on track with God, expressing my heart, and praying that He will enable me to be truly liberated from the shame and guilt of my sin, to embrace the joy of my salvation. Tonight Julie and I *might* be going to Element, so if we do, that will help, too.
Thank you all so much for your heartfelt prayers!
As of lately, I have really been struggling with embracing the forgiveness that God gives me through Christ. See, I know the ins-and-outs of forgiveness; I can write a five-page paper on forgiveness in no time flat, but yet it's nearly impossible for me to really feel the joy of forgiveness. I know that I am forgiven, for I have come to God in faith and repentance, but yet the guilt and shame still remain. I hear the whispers of evil in my ear: "Look at the person you've been, look at the things you've done. How could God ever love you? How could God ever forgive you?" And then he brings Julie into the picture: "Look at how great a girl she is. How could God ever let you stay with her? He's going to make sure you guys don't stay together, because she does not deserve you at all." Julie and I talked about this, and she encouraged me a lot. She's praying hard for me, and I am so thankful for that. It's so hard sometimes! I (honestly) believe that God wants me to be with Jules, at least right now; with Sonja I knew things weren't going to work out, I knew that it wasn't where God wanted me, but I pursued it anyway because I thought it would help suave my depression (notice: a girlfriend will not help balance out chemicals in the brain!). But with Julie, I feel that this is right--we both do!--and so the enemy throws a lot of flak my way because of it.
I hope to spend much of the day in prayer, getting back on track with God, expressing my heart, and praying that He will enable me to be truly liberated from the shame and guilt of my sin, to embrace the joy of my salvation. Tonight Julie and I *might* be going to Element, so if we do, that will help, too.
Thank you all so much for your heartfelt prayers!
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