Monday. I worked 7-3:00, and then Jobst and I met up at Bob Evan's and got lunch and then went to Cox Arboretum and smoked our pipes. We parted ways after a coffee run. Dylan and Tyler came over, and we went by Spring Valley and CVS and then sat on the front porch talking and laughing until we cried late into the night. "What do you want to do with your life?" Tyler asked. I didn't answer because I don't know.
Tuesday. I had the day off work, and Jessie came up from Cincinnati. We fixed eggs, bacon, and toast for dinner, then went to Cox Arboretum and took lots of great pictures. She headed back to Cincinnati, and I worked out and read N.T. Wright for a bit, talked to Jess Lynn. "You should just cut Sarah out of your life," she said. That's what everyone's saying. But I don't know how to do it, what it would look like. And if I do it, I want to tell her why, that it's because she's consistently lied to me and hurt me more than any friend has, that she's manipulated everyone into believing she's trying to change, raising fake signposts and lying about the REAL change that must happen. It's because of the pain our friendship has brought and continues to bring, and it's because she's been faithless to me and she doesn't deserve my care. "It's FUBAR," I told Jess Lynn. Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.
Wednesday. I opened the store with J.J., Jessica, Suzan, and Tony. I spent the afternoon studying at Centerville Starbucks with some espresso. Jess Lynn headed to Italy today. "I'll talk to you in two weeks!" she said; "I love you!" It was weird. I had Chipotle for dinner and then some ice cream. I got more info on Sarah and Keith. Definitely still together, definitely still having sex, and everything's she told me about her "relationship with God", about wanting to get things back on track, is absolute bullshit. Surprise, surprise. Dylan came over and we sat on the front porch, talked about all this. "Dude," he said. "You just need to cut the cord. Calling her to repentance and being there to help her and encourage her is honorable. But don't forget what you said." And what did I say? I said I'd do what Mike suggested on April 23rd: if she repents, stand by her side; if she doesn't, then end the friendship. She's faked her repentance, but she's been found out.
Thursday. I talked to Mandy K. for a bit last night. She's going through a rough time, too, worse than mine. I gave her some wise advice from Dan Dyke, and she said, "You're going to be just like him. You're already so much like him in so many ways." Hell of a compliment. I worked 1-9:30. A HUGE storm came in and threw one of our umbrellas into the empty field to the south, and Forrest and I got soaked retrieving it. It was a helluva task. Chris, Lee and Andrea came in and after work I hung out with them for a bit. I just got back inside after listening to the rain and watching lightning-bugs on the front porch.
Life is good.
My life is good.
I can't believe I wrote that.
And meant it.
Friday. I had the day off work, and after a morning of studying Christian eschatology--"The Cosmic Hope", if you will (sure, I will)--Tyler came over, and we got Greek for lunch and talked about repentance in the context of new creation. We also talked about Sarah, but not much: nothing new to report. We played Wii and he went to a friend's house. He has a date tonight. I went to Stubb's Park and read for a while. I was going to pick up Mandy from the airport (she's been in L.A.) but her flight was delayed until 3 AM, so Rob got her after he closed at Refuge in Cincinnati. I went to the Starbucks in Oakwood for a bit, got depressed, walked around and prayed, and headed home.
Saturday. I worked 12-8:30. The power went out at 6:00, so we closed shop. Lourdes, Betsy, Aubree and I scurried around closing all the refrigerators. The store lost LOTS of money. Sarah told me her cousin thinks I'm legitimately crazy. I want to be perceived as crazy: a man who acknowledges the harshness of reality but who has a grasp on the future and celebrates the inauguration of that future in the present. I want to be someone not easily forgotten nor easily understood.
Sunday. Dewenter, Ams and I went to M.C.C. for church. The sermon was on the final days of Moses' life. We went to China Cottage for lunch. Ams, in town this weekend, said, "You look like such a little kid, you've lost so much weight!" I worked 2-9:00 with Betsy, Aubree, Faith, Mandy, and Abby. Tyler & Ams came in, so I gave them free drinks. Tyler came over after work. We sat on the porch and talked eschatology. The subject of Sarah came up (as it tends to do these days). "I'm glad you've decided to cut her out of your life," she said. "She's like an infection to you. And you know what? She's not someone worth pursuing. She's a liar, cheater, manipulator, slut. She complains about her life while living according only to the passions of her flesh. You deserve better. I think, maybe, God kept her from liking you despite your prayers because he loves you and cares for you and honestly wants more for you. Being with her wouldn't enhance your life: in the end, it'd ruin it. And honestly, after all she's done and continues to do, I'm surprised you've fought so hard to remain her friend. Maybe it means I;m a bad person, but I would've dropped her a while ago." No, not bad: wise.
This evening (Sunday) I went on a drive through the countryside and prayed. Mist everywhere, cloaking everything. Like Habakkuk, I cried out to God: "Why?"
Why do those who don't give a damn about God find themselves clothed in his blessings?
Why do those who live according to the flesh seem to enjoy peace and prosperity?
Why do I seek to honor and please God, and yet my prayers go unanswered?
He brought several things to mind:
1. This world isn't my home, and I shouldn't expect it to be.
2. I'm undeserving of anything I pray for, so I shouldn't bitch about it.
3. Judgment on the wicked is coming.
4. Vindication of the righteous is on the doorstep.
5. Trust in God. Hope in God. And Keep Going.
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