On The Ooze I ran into a fellow who brought up an interesting point. The question was, "How do we help out those who have had sex before marriage and feel guilty about it?" Wonderful points were brought up, and then there was one post with the suggestion, "Tell them to stop feeling bad because there's nothing wrong with it." I emailed him asking him what he meant by that, and he gave me two websites to check out promoting that premarital sex is not sinful. If you're interested (and they ARE interesting) they are Liberated Christians and Free Christians.

In reading over the material, and admitting that they had some very good points (often we integrate norms and moreys in society into our religion and build values from them), it seemed to me that they were saying premarital sex is O.K. just because scripture never tells us not to do it. One thing that did bother me was that they said that premarital sex is a form of loving others, "and isn't that what Jesus called us to do?"

I agree that we often take social do's and don't's and tie them into religion. "Bad words" is an example. Nowhere in scripture are we commanded to avoid using certain words. We are called to avoid corrupt talk and slander, but this is something completely different from using "bad words" in our speech (however, because of social concerns, I avoid using bad language). Yet can we say that premarital sex as wrong is just a tradition? I don't think so. I think premarital sex is wrong because it doesn't fulfill but rather violates Christ's command to love others in several ways:

1) It degrades the worth of the opposite sex. They become mere sex-objects and mere sex-toys, not real human beings with feelings, emotions, consciences and souls.

2) It dishonors future spouses; this flies right in the face of love. Premarital sex often wreaks mischievious havoc in even strong marriages.

4) It dishonors our bodies - do I even need to mention how it might hurt us physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally? I have many friends, especially at college, who have fallen into this sin, and it weighs on them emotionally, so much that it physically hurts.

5) It draws us to be ruled by our own selfish desires rather than us being led by Christ.

And, mostly:

6) Premarital sex does not have anything to do with Christ's love. Premarital sex, as I understand it, is driven by mere passion and impatience, driven by selfish lust. The "love" in that is a selfish, lustful love. The love that Christ embodies is a selfless, serving, sacrificial, and kind agape love. How can such promiscuous sex be Christ's love when it is inherently selfish? I am dedicated to sacrificing short-term pleasures for my future wife and serving her now by avoiding lust as much as I can. Premarital sex disgregards my future wife and treats her as "just another", not the "one" whom God has for me.

One very good question the Oozer handed to me through his return email: "Should we be anymore concerned with [premarital sex] than with any other sin (such as gluttony, envy, pride, etc.)?" We all know it happens--certain sins are put on a pedestal while others are nearly disregarded (how many Christians will shake their heads at an unwed mother while scarfing down four hundred twinkies?). My reply is thus: "We need a better understanding of sin and we need to just love everybody, regardless of what they've done, what they're doing, or what they're going to do."

As for me, I am thankful I'm a virgin. I hope to keep it that way (and I'm sure that if my future wife were reading my blog, she would be quite the happy camper). These are just some thoughts :). I always claim to be a liberal Christian, but maybe some of my conservatism has shown through here.

We drove over the bridge from Covington into Nati yesterday, and when I looked up and saw the campus on the hill with its lime-green roofs, and when I saw the dorm that is my home, I realized how much I miss it. Going into last semester, I was freaking out, worried sick about it all. I was calm on the outside, but on the inside I was a raging inferno of anxiety. I was wondering if this was the right place for me or not. Now my heart tells me that, yes, it is. I miss all the hang-out times in the coffeeshop, dining hall, and student lounge, lying back in the chairs or shooting pool or just drinking coffee. I miss all the laughter in the dorms, all the long nights of hanging out, all the deep discussions and all the petty conversations. I miss the hilariousness that greets me every night, the hilariousness that defies explanation. I miss having all the game systems and DVDs I could desire at my fingertips. I miss the trips to Skyline Chili and Applebee's. I miss driving to Wal-Mart and Kroger with Brian and Caleb. I miss the journeys down into Newport, and all the wild and crazy things we've done. I miss it all. It's the life God has given me and I thank Him for it.

Don't think that I hate being at home. I absolutely love my family, absolutely love all my great friends: Chris, Lee, Pat, Hague, Ashlie, Dylan, Tyler... oh, and John Hancock. Sometimes it gets a little boring, sure, but my night-times are often underscored with movies with friends, going to Starbucks, or just contemplating life. One thing is for sure: I can't wait for January 1 to return. If I didn't teach on Sunday, I'd go back Saturday night after work! I imagine Brian and I will treat ourselves to some Applebee's that Sunday night.

Christmas was fantastic, by the way. I got so many incredible books, such as the Chronicles of Narnia and C.S. Lewis' signature classics. One of my favorites is a Jewish Bible and Jewish New Testament commentary from my grandma. Oh, and Battlefront II - what a sweet game. One of the highlights of Christmas was watching my Aunt Susan and two little cousins celebrate Hanukkah. They lit the menorah and read off some Hebrew. It was really awe-inspiring. It reminded me of the Siege of Masada for some reason. Sometimes I wish I was a Messianic Jew.

In my studies of Paul's letters, in nearly every letter I come to the issue of salvation--is it by faith or works? This was a huge issue in the early Church, spawning Judaized legalists and those who, like the Nicolaitans (Revelation 2), used God's grace as an excuse to do whatever they wanted. Paul's letter to the Galatians points out the flaws of both approaches and reveals where works fall into salvation. Since this is something that interests me--and because it's still a big deal in our own culture--I've decided to inscribe how works fits into salvation.

We are saved by grace through faith. That is the constant war-cry of Paul in this matter. This faith, which John MacArthur calls "saving faith," naturally produces repentance and discipleship. In other words, if our faith in Christ is genuine--if it's the faith that Christ calls for--then repentance and discipleship will follow. With that said, it makes sense that if there is no repentance or no discipleship, then there is no saving faith, and therefore no salvation. A lot of people think that there's no way to tell if someone's really a part of Christ's Kingdom, but over and over in scripture we see that, yes, there are ways to see if someone has been cleansed by Christ.

Repentance is, at its heart, a change of mind and heart towards sin that reveals itself in outward manifestations of that inward change. In layman's terms, repentance is one being "turned off" by sin, and this "turn off" is seen by the person avoiding sin and giving up sin, not so much because they have to, but because they want to. The fruits of repentance include crucifying the sinful nature--that selfish, greedy, hateful, inborne nature within us--and embracing and living out of and being guided by the Spirit nature--the selfless, sacrificial, serving, kind, agape, and divine nature growing inside of us through Christ. If one is repentant, it doesn't mean he or she is by any means perfect. The sinful and Spirit natures are constantly at war; yet there will be in the person's life a genuine hunger for righteousness and a genuine desire and will to turn from rebellion against God, to turn to God and His Way.

Discipleship, in relational terms, is submitting to Christ, making Him the Guide of our lives, letting Him teach us how to live, where to go, who to be. From this Savior-Guide, we learn the Art of Living, for He is the ultimate Master of Living. He teaches us, rebukes us, and raises us to engage in and spread His Kingdom more and more. The fact that we are disciples shows that we are never going to have it all together; if we were to eventually have it all together, then we would graduate from being disciples--students--to Masters. Yet Christ is always the Master, and we are always the students.

Does repentance save us? No. Does discipleship save us? No. It is by grace through faith that we are saved, not by our works, which include repentance and discipleship. Yet true saving faith--the faith that Christ is speaking of when He says, "All who believe in Me will be saved"--will naturally produce repentance and discipleship. The role of works in a Christian's life is evidence that he or she has embraced Christ, His Kingdom, and His salvation.

Although my public speaking class is over, I can easily recall most of the spiritual sermons that were delivered (mine was on lectio divina, and I posted it on this blog sometime ago). The majority of the sermons focused on evangelism (except for one, which focused on intimacy with God; I loved it!), and the common thread, the common statement, made by those giving the speeches, was that evangelism means convincing people that they're going to Hell but God's got a ticket for them to go to Heaven. It made me cringe in my seat. While those speaking are certainly not wrong, they're missing the bigger picture.

Leading a house church sometime ago, the question came up in discussion, "What is salvation?" There was silence throughout the room and I thought to myself, "You've got to be kidding me: we're talking about evangelism and no one can define salvation?" Finally, one of my friends piped, "Does it mean we're going to Heaven?" I told her, quite frankly, "Heaven's a part of it, sure. But it's not the entirety of salvation, though many think it is." So we took the time to diverge from the topic of evangelism and dived into the topic of "What is salvation?"

In order to answer that question, one must look at the reason why Christ came. Christ was the Messiah. This means that He was the One sent by God to "set things right" between God and man. If something has to be "set right," then it must be broken. So what is broken? If we look in Genesis, we see that there are three intimacies that existed before the Fall: intimacy with God, intimacy with each other, and intimacy with creation. Come the Fall, these intimacies were shattered. All throughout the Old Testament, we see God trying to rekindle intimacy with His people, the Jews, but they, for the most part, don't want it; and for those who do, sin keeps getting in the way. 2000 years ago Christ came, showed us what real life was like, then died a servant's death and rose again. Through his death, we are forgiven. This forgiveness means that we can now be intimate with God, intimate with others, and intimate with creation. This is the Kingdom of God in all its trappings!

Salvation, then, is reconciliation with God. It is deliverance from a dead life and entrance into a real life. It is our lives being "set right" with God, with others, and with creation. Salvation is us being reunited with Christ in His Kingdom, a Kingdom which exists now among us and in us and continues into eternity. Where do Heaven and Hell fit in? Heaven and Hell are the continuations of the life we choose to live now. If we choose to become a part of Christ's Kingdom, our eternal destiny is in a new heavens and new earth, a paradise, alongside all of the renewed creation, alongside all the others who followed Christ, and alongside the Triune God. If we choose to deny the Kingdom, if we choose to deny Christ, we will live outside God's Kingdom for all eternity, and that is Hell.

And all of this is possible not through being better people, not through our own willpower or determination, but through the beautiful grace of Christ:

You are everything that is bright and clean, and you're covering me with your majesty. And the truest sign of grace was this: from wounded hands redemption fell down, liberating man. - David Crowder, "Wholly Yours"

sin and the Kingdom

Over the past several weeks, I have been studying the Pauline Epistles (the letters of Paul) in-depth. Last month I looked at his letter to the Galatians, and fell absolutely in love with "The Book of Freedom," as my college pal Rob calls it. I found it very eye-opening to what freedom in Christ really means (not license to do as we please, but the freedom to live a selfless, sacrificial, serving, humble, and all-encompassing loving life in a fallen world). Having finished Galatians, I didn't think Ephesians would be so fantastic. Yet I have fallen in love with Ephesians all over again! In my mind, Ephesians is one of the greatest works that shows us what the Kingdom-life looks like in our individual and community lives.

Throughout all of Paul's letters, especially Ephesians, Paul talks about something called the "Kingdom-life." It is, overall, a life of selflessness, a life of sacrifice, a life of agape love, a life of humility and servitude, a life of mercy, grace, forgiveness, compassion, and empathy. It is the Christ-like life. In Ephesians, he shows us what this Kingdom-life looked like in ancient Ephesus. As I read Ephesians, I can't help but feel my heart flutter. I can't help but long for this life, can't help but to embrace this life. I want the Kingdom-life in all its splendor! But at the same time, I experience a feeling of hopelessness and despair; for I know I will never be able to model the life Paul describes, the Kingdom-life, in its complete state. I will excel at some areas and fall at others. I will never (at least not in this lifetime) be able to fully live the Kingdom-life, no matter how hard and fast I pursue it.

Does God expect us to fulfill it completely? No. He's realistic. He knows that we are weak-willed creatures who are influenced by the flesh. He knows we are imperfect and still fighting the sinful nature. He knows, simply, that we are not Christ, even if His Spirit is within us. Paul knows this so very well. In his letter to Rome, he writes (the Message):

I'm full of myself--after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary... But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabatoging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time... It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. (14-23)

Paul shares in my emotions. He is in love with the Kingdom-life ("I truly delight in God's commands") but he can't live it out fully. He experiences the trauma of sin just as I do: tripping me up, getting the best of me when I least expect it, sabatoging the best of my intentions. Every morning I awake, confident about how I am going to go about my day; when I lie down at night, my sin stares me in the face. Sometimes only one or two sins stare me down, sometimes four or five; yet I always know that I sin far more than I know. The sin I most often remember is the sin that culminates in acts--acts of lust, acts of jealousy, acts of anger, acts of judgment. Yet I know that there are deeper sins within me that I cannot even begin to feel, sins in thoughts and attitudes, etc. I often feel like I am going nowhere, that my spiritual change is stale, that I am not trusting God enough. Sometimes I think (falsely) that if I were a "better Christian," then I would be free from sin. The truth is, everyone sins, rich and poor, high and low, everyone. As Paul's letter continues, we see Paul lamenting his own imperfect condition (I easily find myself in his position):

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. (24-25)

Left to our own devices, we're screwed. It's a good thing the Judaizers Paul shot down in Galatians aren't right, because if they are, then no one's a part of the Kingdom. We're all so very imperfect. We are powerless to help ourselves; we've "tried everything and nothing helps." Yet Christ came, He showed us how life is meant to be lived, and He died a selfless death so that we could become a part of His Kingdom, imperfect as we are. The grace of Christ cleanses us; we are veiled in His righteousness (our own "righteousness" is as dirty as oil-stained washrags). Christ forgives our sin: the sin of the past, the sin of the present, the sin of the future. He welcomes us into His Kingdom! But He doesn't just leave us forgiven; He also changes us, ever so slowly. A year ago, I was very different from now. My intimacy with God wasn't as deep; I couldn't hear His voice as much; we weren't so close. Now I am more intimate with Him, I can hear His voice, and we're growing closer each day. Yet I still sin, even though I don't want to. And I will always sin.

So the question, then, is obvious: what do I do? I can't hope to be free of sin in this lifetime, so do I just say, "Screw it," throw in the keys, and live life however I want? No! Just because I know I am imperfect doesn't mean that I don't want to be perfect. I want to live the Kingdom-life, and I pursue it. I seek the Kingdom, as Christ calls us to do. Will I mess up? Heck yes. I will sin every day, in different ways. Over time, I will conquer some sin, only to find others that I didn't recognize flaring their colors.

If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins--make a clean breast of them--he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we've never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God--make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God. - 1 John 1:8-10 (the Message)

I pursue the Kingdom. I pursue God. I pursue a life of selfless, sacrifical, serving, and kind agape love. I make Christ the Lord of my life in the sense that I allow Him to guide me in all my affairs. Will I often not heed His guidance and do something contrary to His Way? Yes. But I confess my sin, I acknowledge my sin, and He cleanses me, and invites me to enter the Kingdom deeper and deeper. And at the same time, I do not look down on others for their sin, nor do I judge or condemn. I lovingly embrace in understanding, sharing their burdens, because I am no different. We pursue the Kingdom together.

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. - Galatians 6:1-3 (the Message)

I've finished Book Two of the A New Kind of Christian Trilogy. Thanks to Mike for getting me into the rut of Brian McLaren! I thought this book was very well thought-out, very well written, and deserving of five stars. While I don't agree with everything McLaren writes, there are a few things I agree with and love about this book:

1) I've always loved dinosaurs, and there's always been that tension between Creation and Evolution, and how incompatible evolution is with God. Walking the halls my Junior Year at High School, I was almost horrified that I believed, deep-down, that evolution was true, and I was countering this belief by digesting as much "creation science" literature as possible. It wasn't until my Senior Year, through conversations with my Astronomy teacher, that I came to understand that evolution is not incompatible with God. Brian McLaren's extensive dealings with this subject has helped me to understand--and rest easily within the knowledge--that evolution is one of God's coolest creations.

2) This book revolves around, ironically, "the story we find ourselves in." So often we forget that we're submerged in a story, and we're a part of the story, whether we're on the "good" side or the "bad" side (not to draw lines, but that's how it is: everyone is a part of the story; no one can exempt). I had never understood much of this Story until I picked up John Eldredge's EPIC or read C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles of Narnia. Here is another book I would recommend to those struggling to understand where they fit in the cosmos.

3) I love McLaren's works on the Final Judgment. Nearly an entire chapter or two is dedicated to it. In one small group about a year and a half ago, we were talking about Judgment Day and Christ's Return, and someone said, "I'm scared because all of my bad sins will be revealed." I told them, "I don't think so. I think that when God looks at us, He'll see Christ, and on top of that, all the beautiful and good contributions we made to His Kingdom." McLaren expounds on this.

4) What I like the most about this book is McLaren's focus on the Kingdom and the Church, and how the two are interconnected. He returns the Church to its roots: a body of people who are living in the Kingdom, living the Kingdom together, and inviting people into the Kingdom. Sidenote: McLaren's dealings with the Kingdom of God in A New Kind of Christian, as well as Dallas Willard's outlooks on the Kingdom in The Divine Conspiracy, are great supplements to this.

5) Finally, I like the fact that one of the main characters died of cancer in the end. Not to be morose or anything, but I think that too many "Christian inspiration" books revolve around people becoming Christians and their entire lives being miraculously fixed. At 3rd Place tonight, Mike said, and I paraphrase, "Becoming a Christian does not mean that our life will suddenly become all happy and wonderful." God entered the character's lif--and redeemed her life by bringing her into His Kingdom--but the effects of life continued to wear down on her. In the end, however, God was with her through her suffering and was there beckoning her into paradise.

I know many of the people who read my blog have read this book. Any input is coveted.

It's official: I'm addicted.

I've never been a fan of R.P.G. games, so when Dave told me that I'd better not play Morrowind because I'd get addicted, I laughed him off and installed it. He was right. This game is simply amazing. You can create your own character and live your own life, go on quests or just settle down. The graphics are beautiful, too; not too shabby! I am presently a monk who lives in a large mansion-like cathedral, sneaking around at night to steal people's money and equipment, and in the daytime walking around in my robe, chatting it up with the villagers. There's so much land to explore, too. It's just amazing... It's got my vote without question. Maybe even better than Rome: Total War, and that means a lot.

Today was my first day working at I.G.A. in about five months. While I'm not gonna lie--I'm not a fan of the job--it was nice to hang out and talk with the other workers whom I've missed. As I rang up orders and bagged groceries and walked the lot checking for stray grocery carts, I couldn't help but look back on how much has changed. In my journal a week or two ago, I wrote, "Everything changes so fast." In five months, so much has changed:

Crank's Creek 2005 is over. So is C.I.Y. 2005. The Junior High Excursion came and went. I moved into college and met so many great people: Brian, Caleb, John, Forest, Alex, Rob, Nick, Corey Isaac, Aaron, Todd... Don't forget Rochelle, Cassie, Leann, Courtney, Jessica, Kim, Ashley D. When I left I.G.A. in July, I had no idea who Ashley Ryan was; now she's become a good part of my life. I've comprehensively studied the Book of Acts, taken a college psychology course, enjoyed an ancient Greek/Roman history class, and had to memorize much of ancient Israel's geography and culture. Plus I've finished two great books: The Rose of Sharon and Flowers Quickly Fading.

Walking through I.G.A., I wondered, "How much will have changed after the close of next semester?" Who will my new friends be, what will I have learned, what books will I have completed... And the question that haunts me the most, "Will I finally have a girlfriend?" I'm a bleeding-heart romantic. I feel incomplete without "her" even though I do not know who "she" is!

a chapter has passed...

August-October: I met a girl named Ashley. I really liked her. I thought she was pretty and loved her personality, and I wanted to develop a friendship. However, I thought, "Why would she ever want to be a friend with me?" I was struggling through self-esteem issues (I've passed that for now) and could not summon up the courage to talk to her. I eventually said, "It's official: I'll never be able to talk to that girl."

December 15, 2005: Ashley, Leann and I met in the cafeteria for lunch before our Bible Lands exam. We talked and ate and studied. The exam sucked. I dropped off a letter in Ashley's box before I headed home. It talked about how our friendship had evolved, how I came to love her as an adopted sister, even though we had some rough spots in the relationship, and it closed off with a humble benediction. She probably is not coming back next semester. While that is entirely depressing, I am thankful that God let us meet and enabled a solid, genuine friendship to emerge. I see her as one of my greatest college gems thus far. I call her my big sister and she calls me her big brother. We talked on the phone after she got the letter, and she told me she was driven to tears by it. I find it amazing that I could be so close to a girl whom I had given up hope of ever knowing as a friend. Despite her absence, we are keeping in touch--we have cell phones, email, and snail mail. As it appears, a chapter in my life has ended, and I greet the next one with arms wide open...

Some new and unfortunate developments in my friendship with Ashley have negated the former pact of spending time apart in order to foster friendship. Because of financial aid, she's probably not going to be coming here next semester. Instead, she's probably going to get a job this spring and start at a college in Indiana the fall semester of 2006, studying to become a forensic scientist. She knows it's a lot of work but, secondary to overseas missions, it's her underlying passion. This is a hard time for her, and both of us are praying that God will guide her to wherever He wants her. I felt God telling me, "Just spend all the time you can with her." So that's what I'm doing, more-or-less.

Last night me, Ashley, Courtney, Krystle, Leann and Forest all swapped presents. I only thought I was supposed to get gifts for Ashley, so I purchased her a wooden pirate ship off Ebay and bought her a pirate book from 1/2 Price. My gifts, coming from Leann, Courtney, and Ashley, included a dinosaur puzzle, a dinosaur keychain, a dinosaur figurine, and from Ashley: a journal and a stuffed penguin. She knows how much I like to journal and how much I like penguins (secondary to dinosaurs, yet up there with koalas).

I showed up early to my Public Speaking exam, so Dr. Edmerson just had me help him set up some of those lighted Christmas lawn deer, then said, "Have a nice break." The rest of the students will have to take a paper exam. Nice to be overly punctual, I guess.

I am almost finished with The Story We Find Ourselves In. While I don't agree with everything McLaren's character Neo points out, I do find the book very enlightening, very thought-provoking, and in many ways, revolutionary. I love his words on Christ, the Church, and mission.

So I am sitting here in my dorm room, about to go to Wal-Mart at 12:53, and since I have nothing to do, I decided to leave a post. I have been through the hardest of my exams--Acts and English--and the consensus is this: I nailed Acts, and English nailed me. I don't know who you are, but you cannot prepare for Friskney's English exams. He always chooses minor points and makes you major in them. It flipping sucks. Oh well. I still memorized a LOT for that exam. Now my plans for the day include studying for Greek and Roman History; I should murder it.

I have been biding my time working on my latest project (a depressed-yet-hopeful romantic tragedy) and playing an RPG game Dave let me copy. It's called Morrowind. The graphics are amazing and you can pretty much do whatever you want in this ancient nation. I'm a big fan.

Things with Ashley are getting better. We want our friendship to resume its former caliber, before all the failed-romance crap happened, and in order to do that, I think we shouldn't hang out so much. How else am I going to get her out of my head? How else will I go from seeing her as the girl who hurt me (although she regretted it very much) to seeing her as a good friend, just as I now see my girl friends like Amanda and Ashlie? We talked about it and that's the current course of action...

Do you want to watch a really, really, really good movie? Hint: "And there was a firefight!" First person to leave a comment telling us the movie is well-appreciated.

Last night was amazing. Ashley, Forest and I loaded up in my Jeep and drove to the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Gardens for the annual Festival of Lights. While the laser light show absolutely sucked, the exhibits were amazing with all the snow everywhere. The lights in the trees and on the statues and such sparkled on the surface of the snow. As I walked along, I felt my heart beat, felt God's presence, and felt the Kingdom more than ever. Surrounded by animals of God's creation, one can't help but to be humbled by God's power and beauty. Speaking of animals, I just have to mention this: in the penguin exhibit, there were Christmas lights organized in penguin patterns, and these lights were hanging over the exhibit. All seven of the penguins were just sitting in one spot and staring at the lights, flapping their wings, refusing to move. I find that hilarious.

I didn't go to Southwest today because I am here studying for my exams. Today is dedicated to my Acts of the Apostles exam tomorrow. I should do pretty good; I have a good grasp on the topical subjects and I've got (almost) all of the scripture memorization completed. I am going to study here again in a few minutes, and tonight, Forest, Ashley, Monica and I are heading out to Applebee's for a bite to eat and some hardcore studying.

I've been dying to write fiction lately. I am thinking about writing a small romantic tragedy that is hopeful at the end. Kind of like Flowers Quickly Fading, except without the morose and unhappy ending. Flowers Quickly Fading is doing almost as good--even a little better!--than my "hit" 36 Hours, so I know I'm at least decent at this kind of writing.

Last weekend was one of the most enjoyable weekends of my life. While it didn't last, for three days I felt complete. God has made me romantic. It is hard to be desperately romantic but to have no one to romance. It is hard to be a hopeless romantic and feel so alone. It is hard, for being alone, being without a girl to romance, feels incomplete; no surprise, for you truly are incomplete. Last weekend, I felt complete. I felt complete because I longed for and desired a girl in a romantic--note: not sensual--way; what made it complete, however, was that--for all my knowledge--she longed for and desired me in the same way. That was completion. The news on Monday hurt so much because suddenly the paradise of completeness was replaced with the hell of being incomplete. No wonder I shed tears. Going from complete to incomplete in a second is akin to your arm being suddenly ripped off in a wood-chip-grinder. It is literally painful. All who are heartbroken know this.

The pain hasn't diminished. It has, however, shrunken to the size it's been most of my life. Still there, still painful, but submerged. One day it will be erased and I will be complete. When I woke up last Saturday morning at her house, I felt complete. It was a joyful, holistic reunion with the way life is meant to be lived. It was the Psalm 40 life. One day I will experience the Psalm 40 life again. As I told Jessica, I put my hope, my trust, and myself into God. As I walk in the valley, I am still able to be thankful, and thankfulness flows from my heart:

I am thankful that many of my friends here on campus are taking their dream-girls to the Festival of Lights. Way-to-go, guys. I've been praying for them all in this area and it just makes me so happy that they're going to be going on dates with the girls of their dreams.

I am thankful for all my friends: Amanda, Ashlie, Chris, Lee, Pat, Caleb, John, Forest, Brian, to name a few. I take them for granted to much. I'm sorry!

I am thankful for my awesome Mom and Dad. They're just that cool and that wonderful.

I am thankful that God has answered one of my biggest prayers ever. My constant cry, my "persevering widow" prayer--that God would take away my acne--has been answered for several months now. When I realized it, I felt horrible, because I had never really thanked Him. I know that when I find the girl of my dreams, I will dote on her and love her and spoil her and treat her right and thank God for her with my every breath!

You are reading the blog of a very blessed child of God, even if he doesn't see it all the time!

another conversation

During D-Group, my good friend and D-Group leader Caleb secretly texted me on my phone and said, "Stay after everyone leaves." I texted him back: "O.K." Once everyone departed, the door was shut and I took a set across from Caleb. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Dude. You're not all right and I can tell. You're not leaving until you talk to me about it." He knew I was comfortable with him, and I said, "I didn't bring it up in D-Group because I didn't really know all the other guys as much as I know you, and I'm thankful that you've-" He cut me off. "Talk." So I told him what was going on.

I told him all about the whole Ashley ordeal. I don't want anyone reading this blog to think that I don't like her. I'm not mad at her at all. I have given forgiveness where it is needed, and I still enjoy being her friend. It will take me some time, however, to get over what happened last weekend and culminated in an unfavorable way on Monday. I told him how I wept three times, and said, "But it wasn't really over Ashley. It was just frustration with God, you know? I mean, why has He made me like this, then left me alone? Why does He flaunt what I want so badly before my eyes, and not let me really experience it? Why does He allow me to taste what I want so deeply, then allow her to be taken away from me? Honestly, Man, I'm just so ticked off right now. I'm ticked off at God and I told Him so and why. I don't think it's a sin. I'm just being real with Him. He knows this already, it's not like a secret or anything."

We talked for a while and Caleb brought up many good points. We came to the hypothetical conclusion together: "Ashley is a gift to me. I just understood the gift wrongly and pursued her in a way I wasn't supposed to. God knows how He has made my heart, and He doesn't want me to give my heart to the girl who is not 'the one.' Because Ashley isn't 'the one,' He did what He had to do. He did it out of love, but it still hurt Him to see me hurt. He's just protecting me, protecting me from taking what isn't mine, and missing out on the one who is... He knows I can't see the whole picture, and He knows that when I finally find 'the one,' I will look back at this and say, 'Thank God that didn't work out.'" This is a hypothetical idea and I've no idea if it's right or not, but at least it brings some [possible] answers.

One of the things that Caleb said really brought me a lot of comfort. God has spoken to us both in so many different ways--through the scriptures, circumstances, conversations, to name a few--that He has a wonderful girl for us both. Right now, we don't know who that girl is. We may know her, we may not know her. God knows who she is. Right now I'm in a valley, and one day I will be on the mountaintop with 'the one.' I will look back and see the beautiful masterpiece of mountains and valleys, and I will be thankful for each, for each has contributed in some way to my [future] intimacy with my wife. This whole ordeal will be but one valley in the midst of a mountain range. I will hold my wife tight and kiss her and thank God that she is the one. I will thank God for the masterpiece He created out of my life, and I will thank Him for the hard times, too. We closed off the night by praying for each other and praying for God's protection and blessings on our future wives, wherever and whoever they are.

One day I will read Psalm 40 and it will no longer be prophetic, but historical. One day I will share a beautiful family with a beautiful wife and have beautiful kids. My life will be the Psalm 16 life (read it in The Message version), and I will echo up Psalm 40 as a prayer of thanks every night:

I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth--Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the LORD. - Psalm 40:1-3, NKJV

a conversation

Tonight I went to God in prayer for a good measure of time and just cried out for His voice in these trying times. His voice came through several times, through scripture and song. The invitation Jesus gave in Matthew 11:28-30 came to me, and I accepted and went to Him for rest. I cried out, wondering where He's been this entire time, and He's replied, "I'm here, holding you, kissing you, crying with you, even washing your feet." He's told me, "Just wait. Your time is coming. She's coming. Things will get better." And with a wink, "A LOT better!"

As I was praying for God's voice, this song came to my ear. It is Creed's Lullaby, and I believe it is God and my's way of talking to me through this troubling time:

GOD: Hush my love, now, don't you cry. Everything will be all right. Close your eyes and drift in dream. Rest in peaceful sleep. If there's one thing I hope I showed you: just give love to all.

ME: Oh my love... in my arms tight. Everyday you give me life. As I drift off to your world, I will rest in peaceful sleep. I know there's one thing that you showed me: just give love to all. Let's give love to all.

Several weeks ago I spoke at Fuel and talked about why I love Jesus. I didn't go into any theology, really, because theology isn't why I love Jesus at all. I love theology because of my love for Jesus. As I stood in front of all those kids and told them why I love Jesus, I told them that I love Him because He comes to me in my suffering, and He suffers with me. He doesn't always give me all the answers, but He kneels beside me, and as tears slide down His cheeks as He sees me suffering, He whispers, "I love you. I love you so much." He comes to me again and whispers: "Shhh. Don't cry, my Love. Everything will be all right. My Father knew this would happen, and yet He has given you a promise: you will experience what you desire so much. You must wait a little longer. It breaks His heart to see you like this, but everything will be okay."

Today hasn't been such a good day. In fact, in all reality, today was probably the worst day I've had in a few years. It all started out great. I woke up with a smile on my face and headed out the door. I sat beside Ashley in Acts class and she seemed a little distant; something didn't rest right. She was quiet throughout the rest of the morning, but I didn't think much of it. "She's just tired." Around 1:00 P.M., she sent me a text message that pretty much said that she didn't want to date at all. She'd changed her mind about the whole thing.

I have thought Ashley was pretty since the first day I saw her during Early Week. I always wanted to talk to her but could never spurn the courage. Sometime in October, she and I started talking once she initiated it. I already thought she was pretty, but as I got to know her, I liked her more and more. I didn't think she liked me, and through a weird twist and turn of events, she came to know. She told me she liked me, too, and we talked till 5:00 Friday morning. I wanted to be sure she really liked me, and that she liked me more than she liked other boys. She pretty much said yes. The next weekend I went to her hometown in Indiana. Her family and friends loved me and we spent a lot of time together. I came to like her even more. Things were looking up for this week and I dared to believe that things were about to change. I thanked God for bringing her into my life and I thanked Him for finally lending an ear to five years of prayers for help. And then today I heard the news that, no, things weren't changing.

The fact that she "changed her mind" because she liked someone else more hurts. The fact that I thought that there was something special brewing, then shown that I was wrong, hurts. But that's not what hurts the most. What hurts the most is that for five years, I've desired romance. I've desired to share in one of these special relationships. My hand-written journals record my struggles and my tears as I crave a girl to treat right and to love with a real love, but I see all my friends leaving me alone for their girls, and then--on top of that!--I am forced to watch as those who only use girls as sex-toys use and abuse them. It makes me angry that God will let them get away with it but won't let me treat a girl right. For five years I've prayed that my fate would change, that things would change. Without this romance, I feel empty, hollow, incomplete, and it hurts. I am made for this kind of relationship. It's how God has designed me. For five years I prayed for this, and beginning in October, I thought God was beginning to act.

It really, truly hurts me. As I drove home for Applebee's with my sister and my best friend Chris, I wept. I wept because I don't understand why God makes me like this, makes it to where I hurt when I am alone. I wept because I don't understand why he will make me like this and then seemingly abandon me to suffer. I wept because I don't understand why he put Ashley into my life, gave me sweet tastes of what I have always desired, then tore her away or at least allowed her to be torn away at the last moment, only increasing my sufferings. Yesterday I wept tears of joy; today I wept tears of sorrow.

I am so thankful for so many great friends here on campus who are beside me in my pain: John, Caleb, Brian, Forest, to name a few. And I am especially thankful for Mom and Dad, who called repeatedly until I succumbed to answer my phone. I am thankful for Mom, who embraced me and shared my pain. I am thankful for my dear little sister and for my best friend Chris, who took me out to eat, paying the bill. Through all these people I don't find the answers to my questions (questions that all revolve around why???), but I experience the love of God coming through, embracing me, and experiencing the sorrow alongside me.

At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light. A silver lining sometimes isn't enough to make some wrongs seem right. At times life's unfair and you know: it's plain to see. 'Hey, God, I know I'm just a dot in this world; have you forgot about me?' Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, and now I'm on my knees again. But I know I must go on. Although I hurt I must be strong, because inside I know that many feel this way. - Creed, Don't Stop Dancing

Friday afternoon before I headed out for Indiana, Brian and I were sitting in his room and the question arose: "What happened during Jesus' childhood?" For me at least, it's an intriguing question. We really don't know a whole lot, in the sense that the gospels are quiet. What do we know?

We know that Jesus' father was a carpenter, but the word used in the gospels could also refer to a brick-layer. Interestingly enough, Herod was building lots of works for Rome in Judea; I wonder, is it possible that some of the remains could've been built by Jesus' hands? We know that by the age of twelve, Jesus was amazing the religious leaders of his day with his awe-inspiring knowledge and insight. We know that from age twelve to approximately age thirty, nothing of Jesus is mentioned. Yet we do know this: the last thing we see of Jesus is a pure identification of his person, but his status is still just a young boy. When we come to see him again in the gospels, he is a man and referred to as Rabbi.

This is what I believe: I don't think Jesus knew who He really was when He came out of the womb. In entering the space-time fabric of the universe, not being transcendant of it as he had always been, he was forced to set aside some of his divine attributes while still being himself. Like all Jewish boys, he would've gone to school and been learned in the Torah, the Jewish Bible, which is the first five books of the Old Testament. I imagine, as he read these and memorized them easily, he began to see the scriptures in a new light, was able to see the foundation behind them all--love!--and I believe he came to understand who he was: God in human flesh.

I asked Brian, "What would it be like to be Jesus at age ten or eleven and understand--really understand--for the first time that I am God. What would that be like? What would it feel like to look at the people around you, the world you bathe in, the stars above your head, and think, Wow. I am God. I have created all of this. How crazy would it be to be twelve years old and know this?"

I believe he came to identify himself as God and his mission unfolded. He knew why he was here. He came to grips with it and his parents affirmed it. I believe he took his first step by proclaiming that he was the Deliverer (Luke 4). I believe that he was both man and God. It's really crazy to think about and I don't pretend to really be able to wrap my head around it all.

Just some off-hand thoughts. I must get ready for Applebee's tonite. Brian, Caleb, Cassie, Heather, and me and Ashley are all going out. Should be a fun time. Good night!

P.S. Indiana was amazing. We took pictures and I will post them sometime this week!

I know it's late... 4 o'clock actually... But I am skipping my morning classes tomorrow so I can get some needed sleep for my big weekend vacation. I am throwing off the reigns of 412 duties and not returning to Springboro. One of my good friends, Ashley, has a birthday today--19!!!--and me and two of her other friends are traveling to El Nora, Indiana to "party it up." Basically we're just going to be hanging out Saturday, going to the Bass Pro Shop (which Brian tells me is awesome), and after Church gathering on Sunday, we're driving back here to C.C.U. I'm looking forward to it.

How has life been for Anthony? My intimacy with God is deepening, as it should be. Some days are better than others, sure, but everyday that is a struggle is also an opportunity to embrace God and just let Him come in and redeem the tears. I am thankful for God gifting me with so many good friends here. As my circle of friends widen, I am overly thankful that God has given me out of them all a handful of people with whom I can just share the deep pains and joys of my life, my bitter secrets and my happiest daydreams. Even though exams are coming up and tensions are high, I'm able to wear a smile on my face and joy on my sleeve.

I am thankful that I've got a job at I.G.A. over Christmas break. I never thought I would say that I was thankful for having a job at I.G.A., but I am. I need the money badly. Mom and Dad warned me about spending too much of my money, and I thought I could handle it. I was most definitely wrong. I pulled the no-surprise college-freshman stunt and all but bankrupted my account. My head falls in shame and I vow to never let my kids have more than two hundred dollars in their bank accounts per semester. They can live off that, they really can. The rest is spent on needless accessories. It sucks to be bankrupt. At least, I guess, I'm not in debt.

Some upcoming things on which I probably will be spending money: Seeing The Chronicles of Narnia, Applebee's to celebrate Ashley's birthday (sometime next week probably), maybe the movie Walk the Line (I'm a big Johnny Cash fan!), and I might also go to the Festival of Lights at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Gardens. We college kids get free tickets but parking is seven bucks. By then I'll be cramming for exams then packing for home.

conviction

It's been a growing conviction that has risen from circulating undercurrents to a tidal wave that fell upon my heart only hours ago. I have been gifted with such a passion for Jesus, such a passion for His message and His mission, such a hunger and thirst for His Kingdom. I am obsessed. My zeal consumes me and I echo David Crowder: "What can I do with my obsession with the things I cannot see? Is there madness in my being? Is it the wind that moves the trees?" And again, "If I'm out of my mind, it's you, cause I'm crazy in love with You; inebriated by You, cause I'm head-over-heels with You!" I can't deny the passion that runs inside me; I find myself in league with Jeremiah when he cries out, "If I say, 'I will not mention him, or speak anymore in his name,' there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot.'" (Jeremiah 20:9) I can't escape this, and the question David Crowder asked I ask over and over: What can I do with my obsession? And another: What am I DOING with my obsession?

I confess, sadly, that I am hardly doing anything. Part of me has drifted into the misperception that now that I'm in college, I'm learning how to minister. Therefore, part of me has come to subvertly think--though my heart knows it to be wrong--that my greatest duty is just to learn. No! My greatest duty, whether I'm in college or not, is to engage in the Kingdom and take on Jesus' mission of spreading the Kingdom! God has gifted me with such a love for His story, such a passion for teaching, such a heart of love, and yet I spend my free days sitting in my room and hanging with the 4N guys or just shooting pool and playing ping-pong down in the coffeeshop. I can't help but feel I am shirking not only my time, but God's gifts to me.

What am I doing with my obsession? Not much.

What am I doing with the gifts God has given me? Not much.

Should this change? I think so. It's the conviction that tears through my bones.

I don't know what's going to happen after I post this. I hope something happens. I feel that something will happen, and I need to take the initiative. I am in a wide league of others with the very same convictions. Some of my close friends have "organized" cheap outreaches down into Cincinnati, just going and treating the homeless people to a meal and showing them Christ's love. Others are looking into different opportunities to serve through government volunteer organizations like soup kitchens and such. I want to do something, I feel like I have to do something, not out of duty but out of love for the King. I have been keeping this beautiful message to myself: the gospel simply won't allow that.

We are called to serve others in humility. I haven't been doing it. I need to learn humility all over again (as if I ever did in the first place). We are called to take the gospel to all nations, yet I can't remember the last time I actually engaged in conversation about Jesus outside of Church circles (how sad is that?). I'm frightened, sure, but, as one of my friends said, "I'm just gonna be like Joshua when I go against the Philistines: bless it, God, but if you decide not to bless it as I expect you to, protect me!"

With my laptop broken and my gaming computer in Cincinnati, I've had a few hours of downtime to just read and contemplate. I am almost finished with my current book, "The Story We Find Ourselves In," and I constantly find myself nodding along with Brian McLaren's characters as they engage in spiritual conversation. In chapter 26, McLaren spent some time ruminating on the actions of the Holy Spirit in the life of a genuine follower of Christ. He comes up with three central actions of the Holy Spirit:

1) [God's Spirit] tries to be himself in you, while you're being yourself. In other words, he tries to live in you, so that you become a more Christlike person. I know that the word 'Christian' means a lot of different things to different people, but it's supposed to mean 'Christlike person,' and I think that's the first thing that the Holy Spirit wants to do inside you.

2) I think that the Spirit motivates you and guides you and empowers you to be part of the mission. I think that each person experiences this in a different way. In one person, the Holy Spirit energizes the desire to teach, and in another person, he gives an ability to care for the poor or to raise and give away money to good causes. Another person finds the Spirit motivating him to try super-difficult things.

3) The third thing is that the Holy Spirit tries to connect you with other people, so that what he does in and through each person is coordinated with what he does in and through another person, and so on. That way, it's not just a bunch of individuals working on the same cause, but it's people really united in one Spirit. And that's what the community of faith is supposed to be.

I would add one more:

4) the Spirit teaches us to embrace the Kingdom, guides us into the Kingdom and guides us to live out of it, and comforts us and speaks to us and basically lives life alongside us, whether we're preaching behind a pulpit or running a cash register at midnight. It doesn't really matter.

Happy Thanksgiving!

May God bless you with love, joy, and peace as you share the Kingdom with friends and family this weekend!

Write this to Ephesus, to the Angel of the church. The One with Seven Stars in his right-fist grip, striding through the golden seven-lights' circle, speaks: "I see what you've done, your hard, hard work, your refusal to quit. I know you can't stomach evil, that you weed out apostolic pretenders. I know your persistence, your courage in my cause, that you never wear out. But you walked away from your first love--why? What's going on with you anyway? Do you have any idea how far you've fallen? A Lucifer fall! Turn back! Recover your dear early love. No time to waste, for I'm well on my way to removing your light from the golden circle." - Revelation 2:1-5

The Ephesians did everything right: hard, hard work; refusal to quit; they couldn't stomach evil; they were courageous in the cause for the Kingdom;, and they were persistent to the core. They were, in a real way, the "perfect Christians." But Christ found something wrong with them, and this "something" was so huge that it turned all their good deeds black as night and caused Christ to weep, "Do you have any idea how far you've fallen? A Lucifer fall!" While they were doing all the duty right, they had lost their original passion. Their passion for Jesus and Jesus alone had faded away and was replaced with something else, something totally unworthy. This grave fall drives Jesus to lament, "You'd better fix it now, or I'm gonna remove you from the light of the golden circle." When duty becomes more important than Jesus, we've abandoned the gospel. I believe that God would rather have five people who are passionate about Him but are always screwing up rather than 500 who do everything right but are without passion, being whitewashed tombs.

This is still a danger today. It's very easy to fall more in love with our Bibles than Jesus. It's easy to fall more in love with our prayers than Jesus. It's easy to fall more in love with our worship music than Jesus. It's easy to fall more in love with our families than Jesus, our careers than Jesus, our own lives than Jesus. It's easy to fall more in love with theology than Jesus. It's easy to fall more in love with Christianity than we are in love with Jesus. And all of these falls, even if they seem holy in a way--such as falling more for Christianity than Jesus--are seen in God's eyes as "Lucifer falls."

I enjoyed spending time with my good friend Tyler today. He and Kristen are up from Tennessee for Thanksgiving Break. My own Thanksgiving break doesn't start until Tuesday night. I can wait. My laptop is awaiting fixation, but I've got the desktop to keep me company, as well as a new game that is simply breathtaking in scope and grandeur. Forest, Caleb, John and I all relaxed today and watched television. Now the room is empty except for me and the television continues to speak. John is in Trevor's room, I believe, and Caleb is on the toilet.

Tomorrow I have three classes, but am only attending two. I might hit up breakfast with Forest after Acts class, which means I won't be attending Public Speaking. That's okay, though, because I have four skips left and since I've already completed my "final" speech, I'm pretty much no more than an accessory and pair of clapping hands the rest of the semester.

In the evening, my friend Ashley and I are going across the river to Newport on the Levee to see Chicken Little and then browse the mall and bookstore. It should be fun, I'm looking forward to it. Some people get the idea that we're dating, but we're not. It's hard to believe, especially at a Christian campus, but a guy and girl can be friends and do stuff together and not date. My dating life right now is virtually nothing, but that's not a change, and I'm okay with that. All in due time, all in due time. Right now I'm just enjoying life, pursuing God, and embracing more and more this Revolution of God that became a reality to us through Christ.

Leann, Todd and I were hanging out in the coffeeshop lobby, shooting poll and listening to Bobby Darin, when my good friend Caleb somehow kicked my laptop onto the ground. I was swing-dancing one minute and the next minute watching Caleb's face fall into a mask of horror as he tried many times, unsuccessfully, to get the laptop running again. I brought it home this weekend and now I sit in my sister's room, trying to get it to work, but... eek, no luck. Looks like I'll have to send for a replacement. Hopefully it'll come before Thanksgiving break is over. If not... Well, that wouldn't be good. The laptop is my lifeblood at C.C.U.

I'm here this weekend for the Christmas in Springboro, and of course to visit my friends and family. The college campus is absolutely dead--most of the kids are gone, some have already left for home for Thanksgiving break, and those who stay are at a missionary convention in Atlanta. One of my good friends is there and she says it isn't the most exciting thing in the world.

Sorry, Ashley... At least your laptop isn't broken! But I love you, Caleb!

Now to listen to some more of techno from the Blade Trilogy...

Today I presented my final speech in Public Speaking, and I presented it on how we as the Body of Christ should be more generous in our lives and monetary blessings. This is a struggle for me and I spoke much from the heart as I stood before the class. In my speech I explored harrowing statistics, then wept over how the Body of Christ in America is often ignorant of the suffering around the world. I pretty much said that while there is nothing wrong with eating out, or buying a book every once in a while, or just keeping ourselves alive, there is certainly a call to a greater mission in the world than simply building ourselves a nest egg or lining our own pockets. This mission is the Kingdom of God, and when we are faced with the suffering around the world, there are two roads we can walk down: we can turn our back on the darkness and instead face an even deeper darkness--the darkness of ignorance--or we can embrace the darkness and pierce it with the light of the Kingdom God.

"We are called to spread God's Kingdom with our gifts, abilities, talents, and blessings--and this includes money."

Here are three organizations that exist to spread God's Kingdom through our monetary gifts:

World Vision
Save the Children
MakePovertyHistory

Todd and I were shooting poll in the coffeeshop lounge yesterday, and we somehow got into talking about dinosaurs. I think he asked me what I was into, and I told him, and then he asked, "So where do you see dinosaurs in the whole creation thing?" If you haven't heard, or haven't noticed--really, if you don't know me at all--one of my greatest loves is dinosaurs.

It always begins like this. A lot of people don't like the fact that I believe in evolution. A lot of people could even come to look down on me and see me as a liberalist who doesn't believe the Bible (although I might be a liberal, I do believe the Bible). I know there are Christians out there who believe that if we believe in evolution, we really don't belong to God at all. This is because evolution is always associated with atheism. What I want to know is, "Why?"

Evolution wasn't invented because people wanted to take God out of the picture. Honest, God-fearing individuals saw that there were things in creation that didn't seem possible with a literal six-day creation, and in their attempt to figure out what really happened, the theory of evolution developed. I think that, as followers of Christ, we are to embrace all truth, and that includes the fact that evolution has a LOT of evidence. As I told Todd, "Perhaps we should just stop trying to disprove the facts and instead dedicate ourselves to figuring out how it fits into God's ever-continuing story?"

So, as I paced around the pool table searching for a shot, I gave him my reply. "When I look at the creation account in Genesis, I see it as being full of symbolic and evocative language, not literal language... Evolution has a lot of facts. Sure, it doesn't have all the answers. And I know there are some holes in it that may be filled as we grow in our understanding... Evolution is an extremely complex process created by God which we may never understand. But on the whole, I see more truth in evolution than in six-day creationism. I believe God created evolution and has guided evolution throughout the history of earth. More and more evolutionists are coming to believe in the existence of God based on the sheer mathematical and scientific impossibilities of evolution if it is really random. Evolution carries a lot of weight, but I think God is behind it all."

"So you think dinosaurs are..."

"I think dinosaurs are God's creations as much as we are. I don't think they were made in His image, but I believe with all of my heart that they were designed by the mind and heart of God. Evolution, then, could be seen as the paintbrush used to create the masterpiece. But the painter is still God."

Oh! Teach us to live well! Teach us to live wisely and well! Come back, GOD--how long do we have to wait?--and treat your servants with kindness for a change. Surprise us with love at daybreak; then we'll skip and dance all the day long. Make up for the bad times with good times; we've seen enough evil to last a lifetime. Let your servants see what you're best at--the ways you rule and bless your children. And let the loveliness of our Lord, our God, rest on us, confirming the work that we do. - Psalm 90:12-17 (the Message)

Caleb came into my room yesterday and showed me this passage of scripture he had found. As he read it, I felt something within me ignite. This is the cry of Moses, and yet it is the cry of my heart, and the heart of Caleb as well. The prayers which I raise to God aren't foreign to Him. He's heard them all before. Something about that is comforting. This is what my prayer has been for so long now: "God, help me. Bring someone fresh before my eyes, someone good and grand and wonderful and beautiful, the one whom I am made for."

At Fuel I talked about my romantic struggles. I talked about how much I wanted a girlfriend, how it hurt so much sometimes, and how often it looks like my life will be lonely, how often it looks that I will never find "her". Here at college, my attempts at such discoveries have ended in dead-ends, and that isn't encouraging. I'm not completely broken and withered, though; I spent a lot of time just listening to the voice of God all day yesterday, and He seemed to say, "Everything's going good. Don't worry about it. You'll be fine." And then He reiterated what He always says: "Just wait. I'll come in and things will change." I trust Him. I trust that He knows what He is doing and I trust that, in time, my life will reflect Psalm 40:

I waited and waited and waited for GOD. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a solid rock, to make sure I wouldn't slip. He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God. More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to GOD. - Psalm 90:1-5 (the Message)

Right now I am waiting and waiting and waiting. My prayers are rising up to God and He hears them all. The time will come when the waiting will be over. He will lift me out of the ditch of my loneliness, pull me from the deep mud of my incompleteness. He will stand me on a solid rock to make sure I won't slip. My mouth and life will continually erupt with thankfulness; my heart will rejoice at the blessings He's poured upon me. I will embrace my wife and play with my children, my laughter and love spilling out a song of joy to the King who listened to my prayers and lifted me from my despair.

I am thankful for all the friends, guys and girls, whom I have here and at home to keep me moving even when things don't seem to ever "work out" the way I wish them to. And I imagine God is shaking His head and smiling, perhaps thinking, "He has no idea what I have planned for him!"

The class on Sunday went extremely well. It started off sluggish but the Sr. Highers got into it and we had a heckuva good time talking about God, Jesus, and discipleship. Every time I teach a class, whether it goes well or not, my passion for teaching is enflamed once again. There is something about teaching that just stirs my soul in ways other things cannot.

At first I thought my preaching on Sunday wasn't up-to-par. I felt rather discouraged about it all. Truth be told, I didn't do much rehearsing and that rubbed off on the message. I just didn't feel like God really wanted me to rehearse. I know that sounds crazy. But afterwards several people approached me and told me, in more words than this, that the message--a message delivered from my heart--spoke to them. One of my friends pulled me backstage and said, "That is exactly what everyone in there needed to hear." Maybe, in the loss of eloquence and the expressions of simplicity, God's voice was easier to be heard in the hearts of his children--or in those whom he desires to be his children.

Well, it's 7:40 a.m. here on campus and I'm about to start another week of classes. It should be fun.

Yesterday I was in the coffee shop buying a veggie wrap and a blueberry muffin (the muffin was for my Messianic Jewish friend, a great guy who has tremendously fresh insights on Yeshua ben Yosef), when one of my friends came in and was letting me meet her parents. Anyways, I am trying to pay for my food and talk to her and her parents at the same time when my cell phone rings. I see it's Jeff so I excuse myself and learn that he wants me to give the message on Sunday for Fuel. I am quite excited.

This weekend should be fun. I'm also teaching Sr. High class, and we're going to be discussing "What does God really want from me?", teaching out of the book of the minor prophet Micah. In the evening, I am giving a message entitled, appropriately-so, "Why I love Jesus." I am focusing on the fact that he was a Jewish Rabbi and he calls us to be his students, and I am going to tell everyone the four things that have drawn me to him: his teachings, his life, his mission, and his calling. I will close off by encouraging them to pursue Yeshua, the Jewish Rabbi who works in and around his disciples to change the world for good.

This is, I believe, what I was made for. Teaching and preaching the Message. I was talking to my Messianic Jewish friend, and I told him, "Just teaching and preaching the Message is so exhilerating. It's like a never-ending adrenaline rush. When I'm teaching or preaching, I feel like I'm really alive." My prayer is that God will speak through me, that he will whisper his words into my own voice and the hearts of the listeners as well. It's all for Him, after all; I'm just a mere stagehand.

contemplating grace

God has been teaching me grace tonight. The dictionary.com definition of grace is this: "a disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill. Mercy; clemency." I've always associated grace with mercy and clemency, but never really approached it in its other aspect: a disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill. It is simply astounding to me: despite all our sin, despite our sinful natures, despite all the times we sin (either on accident or on purpose, either once a day or forty times a day), God's grace through Jesus lavishes upon us not only mercy and clemency, but generosity, help, and goodwill! God doesn't just take our sinfulness and stomp it underfoot, nor does He just throw it to the bottom of the ocean; He makes a move forward, holding out His hand to help us, being generous with His love and joy, and He even blesses us with His goodwill! He calls us friends, not just acquaintances, and He walks with us, talks with us, smiles with us, laughs with us. Grace isn't just about being forgiven, it's about being brought up into intimacy with God.

If there is one thing life teaches me over-and-over, it's that, to put it simply, "I suck." I really do. I echo David Crowder in his song Wholly Yours: "But the harder I try, the more clearly can I feel the depth of our fall, and the weight of it all; and this might could be the most impossible thing: Your grandness making me clean."

Wholly Yours is, as it speaks to me, a song totally about grace. And David Crowder confesses what many of us hide: we pursue perfection, we pursue righteousness, but we mess up a lot. Sometimes our failures seem to drastically outweight our successes. It sickens us, disturbs us, disheartens us, depresses us. We clam up, curl into fetal positions, and whimper as we hope--pray, and pray like we've never prayed before!--that God will pass over us, that He will see the blood on the door and let us live.

The problem is, we don't understand grace. We think we need to earn grace, or at least earn our forgiveness. So when we sin a lot, or mess up big time, we think, "Oh no, this is it, now He's pissed," and we shiver in our beds and look outside at the flickering lightning, wondering which one will be heaven-sent through the window, killing us as we sleep. If we understood grace, understood that grace isn't based on what we do, but based on what Jesus has done, and if we understood that it isn't just about forgiveness, but God inviting us into the divine-enriched life, perhaps we wouldn't find ourselves, in a sense, mortified, but, rather, timidly approaching the Throne, bowing down before God, and pleading, "Consume me!" As David Crowder writes in Wholly Yours: "Here I am, all of me; finally, everything! Holy, holy, holy; I am wholly, wholly, wholly... yours. I am wholly yours. I am full of earth and dirt and you!"

David Crowder begins his song, "I am full of earth; You are heaven's worth. I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity; You are everything that is bright and clean, the antonym of me. You are divinity! What a certain sign of grace is this: from a broken earth flowers come up pushing through the dirt." This is truth: as I am, flesh-and-blood, I am full of sin, I am stained with the sinful nature; this sinful nature sticks its head out in various outward performances of sin. Contrasted to God, I am pitch black and He is pure and snow-white. I am a sickly, frail, insignificant human and He is the Divine King, the Creator of the Universe. And here is the sign of grace: through my broken, decrepit, sinful life, a flower of hope, a flower of beauty, comes poking through the dirt, brilliant and lovely and unparalleled in splendor! Grace.

The most difficult thing with grace is accepting it. By our natures we want to earn it; we're uncomfortable with just taking something so big, so huge, so beautiful, something that is not just forgiveness, but is also an open channel of intimacy with God. All my life I have struggled to accept forgiveness; I have usually tried to earn it somehow, either by punishing myself or doing something extraordinarily good, trying to rack up points with God and just "feel better." But the heart of grace is this: we don't deserve it and we can't earn it; it's God's gift to us. He wants intimacy with us, and we get to choose whether or not to engage with that intimacy.

So where do I now stand? Do I keep on sinning, confident in the grace that God bestows on me? No! I see what grace is. I see how awesome and beautiful it is. I see how filthy and prone to depravity I am. I see the dirt and stain in my life. And then I see, at first, that flower poking through. And then another flower, and another. And as I mature, as my intimacy with God deepens, the handful of flowers becomes a garden, then blossoms into a tropical forest lush with all kinds of colors and ripe with the songs of birds and the crawling of insects, buzzing with life. This is the act of grace on our lives. I come face-to-face with this, and I fall shaking before God, and weeping tears of joy, tears of thankfulness, and I echo Lawrence Tuttiet and cry out, "Father, let me dedicate!"

Father, let me dedicate, all this year to Thee,
In whatever worldly state Thou wilt have me be:
Not from sorrow, pain or care, freedom dare I claim;
This alone shall be my prayer, glorify Thy Name.

Can a child presume to choose where or how to live?
Can a Father's love refuse all the best to give?
More Thou givest every day than the best can claim
Nor withholdest aught that may glorify Thy Name.

If in mercy Thou wilt spare joys that yet are mine;
If on life, serene and fair, brighter rays may shine;
Let my glad heart, while it sings, Thee in all proclaim,
And, whate'er the future brings, glorify Thy Name.

If Thou callest to the cross, and its shadow come,
Turning all my gain to loss, shrouding heart and home;
Let me think how Thy dear Son to His glory came,
And in deepest woe pray on, "Glorify Thy Name."

If we must in grief and loss Thy behest obey,
If beneath the shadowy cross liest our homeward way;
We will think what Thy dear Son once for us became,
And repeat till life is done, glorify Thy Name.

sing me something sad, soft and delicate

Neo picked up the conversation again. "There's one other surprising thing that the second creation story in Genesis suggests to me. It's something shocking, maybe put best when it's put in a way that borders on heresy: God is not enough, the story says. That has nothing to do with any deficiency of God; it has to do with the storyline God had in mind for us. God doesn't want to be the only reality in our lives, the only relationship in our network, the only message on our screen... [T]he Creator wants man and woman to find each other, as a lost part of themselves. And so in the story we have the man and the woman, naked, together, both innocent and passionate, not ashamed to see and be seen, to know and be known, to need and be needed, to want and enjoy another being given by the Being."

Brian McLaren, in The Story We Find Ourselves In, captures what my heart has been telling me for quite some time now. I want to find a woman, and be naked with her emotionally, spiritually, mentally, holistically. I want us both to be innocent and passionate, not ashamed to see and be seen, to know and be known, to need and be needed, to want and enjoy each other. I know it's not all about sex. Sex is a side-note, a blessing in itself, but it is not the epicenter. The epicenter of romance, from which everything--including sex--flows, is a holistic communion and belonging between two people of different sex created by a real and passionate God, completing each other and forming one person.

There are lots of worship songs out there with the lyrics, "You are enough for me, Jesus." And technically, He is enough. But for the full enjoyment of life, as God made it to be lived, there is within us a deep and implanted desire that tells us, almost blasphemously, "God may not be enough." And this feeling has always drawn up deep wells of pain, convincing me that I have fallen short of the dedication I need for God. Brian McLaren continues his rave, as the character Kerry ruminates on Neo's words:

"In the Genesis story, the rib is taken out of Adam--by God! God seems to want Adam to feel incomplete on purpose. God nicks a part of him on purpose! That means that Adam is--meaning we are too--incomplete by God's design!"

A lot of people take this literally, believing that God literally took a rib from the chest of Adam and from it created Eve. I disagree with that. I think the Genesis narratives are more symbolic and evocative than literal. I actually have a lot of faith in evolution and believe that it is one of God's coolest creations. It spawned dinosaurs! The story of God taking the rib from Adam, to me, shows us that we are incomplete without Eve, because Eve is a critical part of us. Adam (man) is designed to be with Eve (woman). Neo drives this point home:

"It's wonderful, isn't it?" Neo urged. "The story is telling us that we were designed to be incomplete and unfulfilled in ourselves as monads, as isolated individuals. We feel an ache in our side, like some part of us is missing, so that we'll always be looking outside ourselves for belonging and connection, for it is not good for a person to be alone--not in this story!"

We were not designed to be alone. Sometimes the message we get--or at least the message I've often gotten--is that we who are passionate about God shouldn't worry about the opposite sex, shouldn't worry about romance. But Genesis--the beginning of the Story!--seems to say otherwise. I believe that romance in the Kingdom of God is beautiful, wonderful, transcendant, holistic. This is the romance in which I so strongly desire to engage. I was created for woman. Woman was created for me. We are meant to be together, and there is nothing wrong at all with having a strong desire for romance. It is a part of being a worshipper and follower of God. However, we must be careful, for we are:

"[c]aught between two dangers: a hyperspiritual danger that says, 'It is good for human beings to be alone, so all they need is God,' and a hypersecular danger that says, 'It is good enough for human beings to be with the other created beings; forget about the Supreme Being from whom all being and blessing flow.' Neither of these options is good enough. The only viable option in our story is for us human beings to enjoy the company of both our Creator and of our fellow creatures: our brother sun and sister moon, our brother fox and sister fruit bat, and especially of our mates--either sexual mates, or mates in [the] Australian sense of the term, our friends--in whom we find a lost part of ourselves restored to us again."

So, to quote Brian McLaren in A New Kind of Christian, where do I go from here? I cannot escape my desires for romance, nor can I escape my passion for God. The two are, in a sense, intimately connected. Right now I don't have someone with whom to share romance, but I am passionately running after and with God. It is far better to be intimate with God and not have a romantic relationship with a woman (it sounds weird, but I say 'woman' because I am in college) than to have romantic girls flocking all around you and yet be a foreigner when it comes to God.

I'm not going to obsess over girls. All that brings is heartache, depression, and anxiety. No, I've been content over the last week or two to just live my life, building relationships as they come. If I sense something romantic evolving in my relationship with a girl, I will pursue it, for better or worse. I wholly believe there is a 'girl' out there for me; it is not biblical, but it is what God has been telling me for the past four to five years. This is no excuse to hole up and expect a girl to fall in my lap, but I'm not going to lose sleep over combing the campus grounds for the "one." God will bring her to me; I will be attracted to her, she will be attracted to me, and with God's help, we will engage in romance for the rest of our lives. It may take a few different dates with different, wonderful girls, but I believe I will be there someday, and my wife and I will grow a family in a small house and we will worship, serve, and pursue the King together.

Brian and I got bored this evening so we spent four hours driving around. Our task was to get off the interstate at Big Bone Lick, then make it back to Cincinnati Christian University without touching the interstate once. It took us a little while. Along the way we stopped for Wendy's, listened to Chris Tomlin and David Crowder, hung out in an old, backroads graveyard and gazed at the stars, visited one of Brian's kids at her job in Kroger (he's a youth minister), and we even chased a deer on foot and barely missed a ferry over to the Ohio River (plan on hitting that next week). We used a small, rickety bridge to cross the Ohio River, but only after we took time to walk down to the bank and urinate within. So don't drink the river water. More exciting than the other days of the week, I assure you. But I had to crap the whole time. At least it wasn't too bad.

Lectio Divina

In Public Speaking I gave a how-to speech on the spiritual discipline of lectio divina. It is a spiritual discipline that trained me to hear the voice of God in my daily life. God, coming through the discipline, has changed me, molded me, and spoken to me on so many different levels, and He continues to do so to this day. It was my pleasure and joy to share this with the class, especially when I had some friends who were suffering and could definitely use God's clear voice in their lives.

There are 6-8 steps of lectio divina as practiced by the Benedictine monks, but Eugene Peterson simplified it into four easy steps for the laymen (like myself): Read, Think, Pray, and Live. David Crowder does a wonderful discourse on lectio divina in his book, Praise Habit. I wrote an essay on it for English a few weeks back and it's on a new blog of mine, just for posting my college essays and such, and you can check it out here. I really encourage you to look at it and give it a whirl, try it on for size. The discipline is beautiful because it lets the Eternal Beauty come to us and speak to us. Here's a small overview if you're pressed for time:

Read. We read the scriptures in a pre-modern lens. We don't look for principles, theories, or three-step answers to our questions. We read it in a meditative and devotional light. We select a passage (I prefer the psalms) and meditate upon it, letting the words come to us, letting the Spirit pierce us with emotions, feelings, thoughts and concerns.

Think. We dwell on the piercing acts of the Spirit. We dive into introspective contemplation and dwell on what is being felt and experienced. The question that we try to answer, the question at the forefront of our minds, is, "What is the Spirit saying to me?" Since we cannot adequately answer the question, we go to the One who can and does.

Pray. We ask the Spirit to reveal what He is saying to us. We pray for understanding. This is a conversational prayer, and our major role is simply to listen to what the Spirit is telling us.

Live. This is oftentimes the hardest part of lectio divina. It is tempting to listen to the voice of God, hear His words, and then go on through life completely forgetting them. It's easy because a lot of times, what the Spirit tells us isn't exactly something we want to hear. But we must act on what the Spirit reveals to us. It is so very important.

The point of lectio divina is not us, it is God. The process of lectio divina is useless; it is God coming through the discipline who transforms us, molds us, speaks to us. The first practice of this discipline may seem unfruitful, for we are not naturally inclined to hear the voice of God. It takes work and patience. Sometimes the discipline can take as few as ten minutes, but sometimes it will take even several hours! But this discipline is so very rewarding and a huge part of my spirituality.