happy halloween

The party last night was fantastic. I got to see so many good people whom I haven't seen in a while. I enjoyed three different Trappist beers, and ended up being one of the few who didn't end up getting drunk. However, apparently Trappist beers have higher alcohol levels, and I did feel quite buzzed for a while. I spent most of the night around the fire out back. Beer pong, Rock Band, and all sorts of other party tricks were going on inside, but I'm the type of guy who enjoys fireside conversations much more. So I sat out by the fire for nearly five hours and drank my beers and swapped stories with people I haven't seen since sophomore year of college. Eventually it got too cold and I went inside and sat in the living room with some other folk, and I enjoyed watching them and their drunken antics. Around 2:30 I headed home, giving Jobst a lift on the way. I passed out in bed nearly immediately. All in all a good night. The highlights are always the conversations and the laughter with people you haven't seen in a long, long time.

I wrote about this in an earlier post, but it happened again last night. Maybe it was being around people whom I haven't seen in a while--including her ex-roommate who actually introduced the two of us--but I've been thinking about Courtney a lot. It's been three and a half years, and the "thinking" isn't the kind that it used to be. There's no pain, no remorse, no nostalgia. More just thinking about the memories, memories which have become so warped and distorted that there's no litmus test available for knowing how things really went down (except for my journals from that period in my life, but I haven't looked through those in nearly a year and a half). I guess I've thought about it more these days because it seems like everyone I know is getting married. Kyle, Caleb, and Ben are all engaged now. Most of my friends from college are either engaged or married. Hearing them talk about it, going to the weddings--being in the weddings--makes me think of her, because we were going to get married, but that never happened. The living dream turned into a living nightmare, and I entered one of the darkest periods of my life thus far. Nevertheless, it was a great growing experience, as they say, and God really used that to help me grow into a better human person. Does that mean I wouldn't go back and do things differently? No. I'd try to salvage it all if I could. Not that anything I did brought about the end of the relationship; it was her doing. But sometimes--like right now--I would gladly go back and do things over again. But, then again, I wouldn't be able to love her like I did. Love doesn't work like that. I'm not depressed or sorrowful, more-so contemplative. And today hopefully I won't think about it as I hang out with more friends and visit some amazing coffee houses.