Do you know what I’m afraid of? I’m so afraid. I never thought I would say this to you: I am afraid of being alone. This fear haunts me, eats me, consumes me, day in and day out, judging and liquidating my every move. I fear, so badly, never having anyone. I fear growing old, cold, alone, never tasting love, and dying alone and forgotten in those whitewashed tombs: nursing homes. I am so afraid I will never taste the kiss of a loving girl, the warmth of her body close, be the focus of sparkling eyes and tender touch and shy smiles. I fear never being loved, only watching others parade in fashion while I lie hungering and thirsting and crying in my own silence. I can’t rationalize my fear away; you can’t rationalize the fear of snakes or spiders, and my life’s history gives no alternative meaning: ‘No one wants you, and all who might are taken from you.’ I am left alone, unwanted, watching my friends and their girls, watching the one thing I so intensely desire fall into the hands of others. For so long I’ve lain alone at home in bed as my friends went out with all those who shared affection.

I don’t want sex or making out. I want someone to talk with, someone to hold close, a girl who doesn’t shiver at my sight, but draws close, finding comfort in my arms. When she cries, I want to hold her. When I cry, I want her to hold me. I am a romantic shunned, looking around and seeing sex-mongers cheating the romance out of girls, leaving them hollow, slutty shells – the rape of all good and true. I want a girl so badly, a genuine and authentic, loving and cherished, a beautiful and captivating girl to find refuge in my arms, to cry no more. I want to go to candlelit dinners, to hold her by a fire, to feed off her warmth under the stars, to whisper in her ear, ‘It will be okay.’ I want to love and be loved. I want to tell her, "You're so beautiful and I love you with everything I am," and have her be comforted and encouraged.

Did you ever see the movie Donnie Darko? Donnie falls in love with Gretchen, and she is killed – run over by a car. It is very tragic. This haunts me, sears me, paralyzes me. It comes up in my dreams and nightmares. I am Donnie – weird, socially blundering, wanting the girl. Gretchen is the one I seek; I am the one who’s filled her dreams of weddings and engagements and honeymoons. Then she is taken, brutally and savagely, innocent and angelic, battered and bloodied. This I fear, too: discovering the One – and she is taken from me. I fear she will be taken from me.