the end of the month

Life has been good pretty far. This is the last day of August, so let me recap all that has happened this month. Done. Yeah, that's right, not much of anything. Just working, wrestling with car troubles, and hanging out with friends. Schools have started up again so the morning rushes at work have become pretty intense. I like it, though: much better to be exhausted from going into overdrive rather than to be exhausted from the mere fact that you woke up at 4:30 in the morning to get to work on time. We've had a few cool days, days when I've broken out my cowboy boots and jeans and plaid shirts. Perhaps I am a wanna-be cowboy at heart? September is just around the corner and I am continuously looking forward to the arrival of autumn in all its decay-ridden glory. I do have high hopes for September and these hopes are pretty well-grounded, but we'll just have to see what happens. I am more and more optimistic.

the dayton days (31)

damned straight!

Monday. C.C.U. is back in session: it's nice not to be down there. I spent the morning cleaning the house, ran by the gas station, and had eggs and toast for breakfast. Ams & I jumped in the Vibe and drove down to Kentucky to get my Prizm: there's a slash in the fuel tank, but it's driveable so long as I don't fill it up past 1/3 a tank. Bullshit, I know. We got home around 6:00 and Mom & Dad were back from Colorado, and Mom fixed spaghetti. Dylan came over for a bit, and I worked 9-10:00 (a weird shift, I know: Betsy got really sick and went to the E.R., so I helped out). The CD in Mom's Vibe has songs on it that were on the CD Courtney gave me when we were together. It's weird that I don't think about her anymore but yet the song, perhaps triggering dormant synapses in my brain, dredge up all those old and dusty, antique feelings. and I listen to the CD and let the emotions overwhelm me and when the next song comes on, everything's back to normal and I forget her all over again.

Tuesday. I worked a hellish 6-2:00 with a GREAT crew: Wade, Jessica, Forrest, Asenath, Tony & Destini. Yes, we had 7 people on the floor, but we needed it: school rushes are back. I hung out with Ams for a bit after work and then she headed back down to Cincinnati. I went to Starbucks on Route 48 to study Greek and write. 

Wednesday. I worked 1:30-9:00 and helped unload the truck, worked with Asenath, Betsy, Tony, Aubree, Lourdes, and Destini. After work I lounged around the house and then went to bed... I feel so restless, though maybe discontented is a better word? And while I know there will never be lasting contentment here, that knowledge doesn't make it easier to bear. In high school I was confident that by the age of 23 I'd be a full-time pastor with a wife. It didn't work out like that. No church job, despite countless attempts; no wife, despite even more "attempts" (and liars, cheaters, and backstabbers don't make the disappointment easier to swallow). Many of my friends whom I went to school with are working in ministry, married, or both. Julie and Courtney are married: Julie to the turncoat she left me for, Courtney to the rock star she cheated on me with. Yes, cynicism and disillusionment run deep. Amidst this, and no doubt influenced by it, I'm restless and aimless, just trudging through this bitch-whore called life, telling myself to hope, pleading with God to help, and hoping that when he does, it'll stick.

Thursday. I had nightmares all night, could barely sleep. I woke early and went to the Route 48 Starbucks to study more Greek and had Chipotle for lunch. I hung out with Dewenter, and then Dylan & Tyler came over. We got two big-ass spiders on the front porch, put them in a bottle, and made them fight. I've been chatting with a 19 year-old Christian girl named Clare who lives in Franklin. It's weird, because I DO want a girlfriend, but then I get scared and apprehensive, probably because the last two girls--Genna & Faith--turned out to be rather psychotic. But Clare knows that we're just getting to know each other and nothing is set in stone. Oh: F.C.C. called. I assumed they hired the other guy, but I guess not. I'm preaching there this Sunday. So I guess I'm still in the running?

Friday. I worked 6:30-3:00. It was chaotic but good. I'm becoming a quick bar, or at least faster than the other baristas. I hammered out my sermon for Sunday--it's on forgiveness--and then cleaned my room and car, since I made plans to see Clare tomorrow. 

Saturday. I opened with J.J.: 5:30-1:30. A long and tiring shifts with lots of rushes, per usual. At 3:30 I met Clare at the Route 48 Starbucks. It was awkward at times, but we connected pretty well, and we'll be seeing each other again. She's short, only 5 feet, and she's chubby, in the way that I like. She's adorable. I had a doppio con panna and she had a frappuccino. We parted ways around 5:00. I told Jessie about it (she's in Illinois now, remember?) and she warned me to be careful. I'm not talking to Clare at all hours of the night, we met each other soon, and we're taking things slow: it should be easy, since I work mornings and she works evenings. Dylan & Tyler came over, and we played Wii and sat on the front porch and smoked cigarettes: nothing unusual.

Sunday. I went by work to get coffee and go over my sermon, and by 10:40 I was at F.C.C. for "Round Two" of the interview process: another sermon, entitled (quote cleverly) "Forgiving Others." Clare came to see it and liked it, and she brought her sister Chloe, who asked, "Do you have a brother?!" Ha! After F.C.C. Clare and I went to the park and fed the ducks and walked around and then got ice cream. We parted ways, and Dewenter and I ate a late lunch at China Cottage and I told him about Clare. "You like the chubbier ones," he said. "Nothing wrong with that!" 

ten months later

The weight loss goal I made in October of last year--to lose around 60# and reach 142#--has been reached! This morning I weighed in at 141 pounds. I checked and rechecked to make sure it was right, and assuredly the scale was not lying. In autumn of 2009 I weighed somewhere between 200 and 205 pounds (give or take depending on the day). Now I weighed in at 141#. That is at the least sixty pounds lost. This is a great milestone, and it makes me very happy, but the weight loss isn't over. I still want to hit my freshman weight, even though my baby sister says it is way too skinny: I have nine more pounds to go before I get there. 135#. 131# is the lowest I ever got, but that's not what I'm interested in. Sixty pounds lost, and how did I do it? Simple: work out once a day (though honestly I have done little cardio; had I done cardio, I would've gotten here a long time ago) and eat healthy (fruits, vegetables, whole grains, grilled fish and grilled chicken, etc.). Of course, it wasn't always perfect, but it was what I tried to do every day every week. And now it's paid off :). Check out the before and after pictures below, the first one taken in October 2009 and the other taken this morning.

on f.c.c.

Franklin Christian Church, the church I interviewed at many weeks ago, finally contacted me. I had thought they forgot about me, and then I learned through my doctor (who's a friend of mine and also the doctor of several of the church members) that the congregation is split down the middle. Basically half the congregation wants the other candidate, and the other half of the congregation--from what I could gather--doesn't. Note that they don't necessarily want me, they just don't want the other candidate. I expressed this to a friend and she said that maybe I didn't have confidence in myself. The opposite is true: when it comes to my abilities as a preacher, I am quite confident. I've had lots of practice and public speaking happens to be a gift of mine. I am just interpreting the facts--well, the rumors--in the simplest fashion. Nevertheless, since I am the only other candidate (insofar as I know), I've been asked to preach again. Perhaps just to bide time as the congregation sifts through their disagreements, or maybe because they want to "try me out" again to see if the congregation's vote can slide in another direction. I've no idea. Honestly, I'm not expecting to hear from them anytime soon after I preach. Things are moving slowly, which is more often a sign of indecisiveness and weakness over and against strength and resolve. If I do get this job, I'll certainly have to delete this post! I do want the job, though, I really do. It would be great experience, I'd be doing what I love, and it'd double my income--and right now that is exactly what I need.

My sermon is going to be on forgiveness. In lieu of this, and in lieu of all the studying I've been doing, I'm going to do another "series" of blog posts, this time on repentance. Starting tomorrow. Tonight I must write my sermon (which will include aspects of all the upcoming blog posts, but the blog posts, I hope, will go more in-depth). Anyways. That's what we call an update.

it's the small things

In a life as boring as mine, it's the small things that really make up for the day. Things like having sushi for dinner. Or burning pumpkin candles while studying Greek. Or sitting on the front porch with a beer and looking at the moon big and red in the twilight sky. Granted there are things I'd rather be doing as autumn rolls in. One of these I actually did today: broke out the jeans and the cowboy boots. Mind you, these aren't those cheap Wal-Mart cowboy boots (though the jeans are, admittedly, from Target). They're $300 cowboy boots I bought in 2008 and which are still in excellent condition after 3 autumns, springs, and winters. That's how you know they're good. But the boots in and of themselves are not what I desire the most when it comes to that season when the links crinkle and their vines throb and when the trees are dressed in ragged garments before standing naked as the cold winds come in from the north. I envision walking along the leave-strewn paths with a beautiful girl beside me and we sit on a bench overlooking the rolling hills and we hold one another and drink hot apple cider and feel the crispness in the wind and on the bench are the initials of long-lost lovers but we know our love will be long but never lost. It is a good thought but the cynicism that runs through my veins thick as sap takes the thought and twists it and deconstructs it and makes it merely a prophecy of greater heartache. Nevertheless, autumn is still my favorite season, the absence of romance excluded; and I look forward to those cold nights and the football parties (although I hate football) and walking through Olde Springboro during the festival with my friends drinking hot chocolate and eating caramel corn.

miscellania

Amanda came into town last night and this afternoon we went down to Lexington to pick up the Prizm. There's a leak in the fuel lines and no mechanics will touch it because the undercarriage is so rusted they're afraid they'll just cause more damage. I talked to a fellow named Cotton, a reputable mechanic who is a good friend of my extended family down there, and he said I should be okay as long as I don't fill the gas tank more than half full and avoid hitting large bumps or potholes that will just intensify the damage. It's only a temporary "solution", to say the least, and I'm in the market for a new car. How I'll afford it, God only knows.

I found out that the folks at F.C.C. where I interviewed over a month ago still haven't made the decision between the other candidate and me. Apparently the congregation is divided on whom they want. And I figured they just hired the other fellow and were too scared to let me know. Ha. My stance towards the whole thing remains the same: I want the gig, for more than financial reasons, but if the congregation ends up voting for the other fellow, I won't lose any sleep.

My ambitions for the week are twofold: finish N.T. Wright's "Evil & The Justice of God," finish a chapter in my book "Re:Framing Repentance", and lose two more pounds, putting me at 142, my original goal when I started losing weight in October. So far I've lost 56 pounds. My ultimate goal is my freshman weight, 135#, but everyone says that I was too skinny back then. Ams said I should stop losing weight and just maintain. But I'm not content with that. I set a goal, and when I make a goal, I work towards it for as long as it takes and I wade through multiple failures and I make it.

the dayton days (30)

Rob & Mandy

Monday. Rob & Mandy brought me home this morning, and we got China Cottage for lunch. I spent the afternoon writing and ran a few errands. Dylan & Tyler came over, and we played Wii and watched a movie--"Greenberg". One of the main characters is extremely hot and both Dylan & Tyler said she was fat. "Not fat," I corrected. "Chubby. Just how I like 'em!" Mom & Dad are in Colorado for a week, so I have the house to myself! 

Tuesday. I worked out and went to work for some coffee and did some writing. Dewenter came over and we grilled T-Bone steaks out back and went to 1/2 Price in Beavercreek (the one by the Mall moved). I got two books on biblical Greek, which will be helpful if I ever go to Seminary. We hung out on the front porch and bathed in nostalgia and talked about the aimless wanderings of this bitch called LIFE. He left and I did laundry and watched TV, an easy night.

Wednesday. My long vacation is over, but the work broke in with a sweet short shift: 5:30 to 11:30. I picked up Chipotle for lunch and spent the rest of the day writing. I went to D.L.M. for groceries.

Thursday. I worked 5-1:00. A girl in DT flirted with me, but she's in high school. Schools have started up again. Mariah and Sabrina came in on their way to school to visit me. After work I worked out and did some writing. Tyler came over (Dylan's sick) and we played Wii and picked up Subway for dinner.

Friday. I worked 7:30-2:30 and spent the afternoon cleaning the house. Dylan, Tyler, and Dewenter came over for Wii and beer. Rolling Rock. Not as good as the expensive beers from DLM, but good nonetheless. Carly from work asked if I wanted to join her, Devon, Kelsie, and Allison in starting a Wednesday night bible study in Cincinnati. I think she thinks I'm some sort of Christian hero just because I'm smart. But it would be a good avenue to meet people.

Saturday. I spent the morning writing and worked 2-10:30 with Lourdes and Aubree. It was crazy but good. Jackie and Shelby from the 412 Days came in, and so did Matt G. I met angel, a regular and an ex-barista, on my smoke break. A cute chick in D.T. flirted with me and called me "Sweetheart." I drank some beers after work and then went to bed.

Sunday. Dewenter's in Cincinnati so no church nor, sadly, China Cottage. I went to the Route 48 Starbucks and touched up on my Greek and had Subway for lunch while watching Bones. I worked 4-10:00 covering for Denise. I worked with Aubree and Lourdes. Aubree's fun to work with: she's laid-back and has a good sense of humor and gets shit done. Ams came in to surprise me, and she brought Maebe into the store. Carly was in the cafe, flipped her shit and showed her off to all the customers. A teenage girl flirted with me hardcore, no lie. When I got home, Ams and I played Wii and I had a beer.

journal entry - 8.19

I feel so restless, though maybe discontented is a better word. And while I know there will never be contentment here, that knowledge doesn't make it easier to bear. In high school I was confident that by age 23 would be a full-time pastor with a wife. It didn't work out like that. No church job, despite countless attempts; no wife, despite even more "attempts" (and cheaters, liars, and back-stabbers don't make things easier). Many of my friends whom I went to school with are working in ministry, married, or both. Two of my exes are married following pretty awful breakups. Yes, cynicism and disillusionment run deep. Amidst this--and no doubt influenced by it--I am restless and aimless, just trudging through this bitch-whore called life, telling myself to hope, pleading with God to help, and hoping that when he does, I won't [screw] it up.

nostalgia

The CD in Mom's Vibe has songs that were on the CD Court gave me when we were together. I don't think about her anymore, at least not in a nostalgic (nor a bitter) sense. So it's weird that these songs--perhaps triggering dormant synapses in my brain--dredge up all those old and dusty, all those antique, feelings. And I listen to the CD and let the emotions overwhelm me and when the next song comes on, everything is back to normal. I wonder why it is that we human beings are such paradoxical creatures: on the one hand, we hate suffering. If we didn't loathe it, it wouldn't be suffering. And yet instead of trying to distance ourselves from emotional hell, instead we plunge into it again and again; not accidentally but purposefully. And I don't think this is some sort of therapeutic technique, an effort to confront the feelings so as to do away with them. I think it's more along the lines of self-flagellation: for some reason or another, we like to hurt. We flip through the old photographs and we turn on the old songs and we close our eyes and let the pain return, even if it is but an echo of the pain or a memory of the pain rather than the pain itself. And maybe we do this because hurting is better than feeling nothing. Numbness is far less desirable than any emotional hell. All I know is that when I listen to those songs the only thing I want is cigarettes and bourbon; but because I'm cheap, I'll have to settle for beer:

randomz

Last night was great: Tyler came over with a 6-pack of beer and his brother Dylan showed up, and I gave Patrick a call and he came by, too. We played Wii and drank beers and sat on the front porch and talked till about midnight. I enjoy those moments of relaxation. The beer was "Rolling Rock" and I must admit that of all the cheap-o beers I've had, it's the best. I prefer the more expensive beers from the Market down the street, and "Rolling Rock" is pretty light, but I still liked it.

I'm excited about the advent of autumn. It's still over a month away. The leaves are still green and the humidity is still suffocating but that only serves to harden my resolve. I bought two autumn-themed candles yesterday: pumpkin spice and one that smells like fried apples. They're cheap and have an overture scent of wax, but it's all I can do right now to survive until the leaves begin to fall. The weight gain during vacation wasn't too bad, and I've lost it all and am back in the game at 145#. I've been there for what seems like forever, but I have a feeling I'll hit 144# tomorrow. I've hit that once, so it won't be a milestone; I'm just longing for 142# to become a reality.

I work this evening. I really don't want to. But it'll be better than just sitting around the house.

My laptop got a virus yesterday so I wiped it clean. Saved all my files, reformatted everything, re:installed the operating system and the drivers and the necessary programs. Basically it's a brand-new computer (or, rather, it feels like one--it's still from 2005). It's time for me to save up for a new computer. I'd love to get a Netbook. I just wish I had a job where I could actually save money instead of sending it all off to bills.

on tv shows

My life is boring. It really yes. I go to work, I take a nap, I write for a little bit, and I watch TV. We purchased Netflix through the Wii and recently I've been watching through all the seasons of Bones. Currently on Season 3 now. Hey, it's something to do. When it comes to television shows regarding crime-fighting, my favorites are Bones, Criminal Minds, and Psych. The Mentalist is pretty good; I have never really cared for any of the Law & Orders, C.S.I.s, or Numb3rs. Bones is good because it is character-driven rather than plot-driven; Criminal Minds is good because it focuses more on psychology than objective science; and Psych is good, well, because it's hilarious. The fact that I wrote this paragraph is evidence of the boredom of my life. And now I'm going to watch Bones, work out, do some reading, and go to bed. Good night.

work has resumed

The working life is back in swing. I worked 5:30-11:30 this morning (a quick and easy 6-hour shift, just enough to get me back in the groove), and I work a variety of morning shifts over the next week and picked up a shift Sunday night. My week will be spent writing (see next paragraph) and working. I didn't gain much weight over vacation (surprisingly, since I didn't exercise nor eat right; a 2-pound gain isn't something to complain about), and that's nice, but now it's back to the regimen of eating right and exercising every day. Dinner tonight will be two eggs with a piece of toast.

Having finished the revision of my 2004 novel "36 Hours", I've decided to turn my attention to "Dwellers of the Night". It's the book I wrote from December 2007 to February of 2009. It's just under 800 pages. I haven't gotten any bad reviews from it; I've gotten lots of emails praising it, and any reviews online at various book review websites and the like give it, generally, 5 out of 5 stars (the lowest was 4 out of 5 stars). Obviously, this is exciting for me. The problem is, it hasn't spread as well as "36 Hours". The reason, I think, is the intensity of it: it's 800 pages long! On forums and such where the book is mentioned, most readers who have it on their to-read list state that it's a long book and thus they haven't gotten around to it. Also, its weight and page length make it an expensive purchase: generally around $25.00 (it varies for different versions). This is why I have decided to rewrite it as a serial novel: eight books, each around 100 pages long. Kinda like what Stephen King did with "The Green Mile." The books will be cheaper, shorter, and easier reads. I'm hoping this catches on.

the hole gets deeper

Bad news: the car is totally fried. "It's not fit to be on the road," several mechanics told us. The entire undercarriage is rusted-out, which in turn led to something become detached and severing the fuel line (hence the leaking gasoline). No mechanics even dared to try to fix it--"Everything's so fragile, we'd probably cause more harm than good." The result is that the Prizm is at the end of its lifespan. It's what happens to old cars, and I know it's not my fault, but it still sucks. I'll have to draw forth a loan from the bank--if I can--to get a new car so I can make it, at the least, to and from work. This, on top of the bills I owe, and the enormous amount of school loans I have to hand over every month, means I don't make enough to even put towards savings. Which means I need a better job. Which is unfortunate, because I can't find another job, and I'm not exactly a "wise hire" in my field thanks to the social conventions of what a pastor should and should not be. So here I am car-less, making barely above minimum wage with a college degree, watching myself go deeper and deeper in debt. *sigh* Such is life.

vacation comes to an end

I'm back in Dayton and my Prizm remains in Lexington. It's okay, though: Mom is lending me her Vibe so I can have a mode of transportation for the week. How sweet of her! Tomorrow is my last day of vacation, and then it's back in the saddle (just in time before the boredom becomes overwhelming). I've already sold a handful of copies of the "36 Hours" revision, and I'm looking forward to seeing how well it goes. It'll be available on Amazon in the next couple days, and a smaller (and cheaper) version--5.5 x 8.5 over and against the generic 6 x 9 I usually do--will be available shortly. It's definitely nice to have the revision finished--at times it consumed my mind. I am the type of person that when I start something, no matter how great the task, I must finish it to perfection before I can rest easily. The revision is far from perfect, but it's decent.

Dylan and Tyler are coming over this evening, and in a moment I'm going to go to the library and see if I can't find any good books to read. I've been craving some good, easy-read fiction lately. Michael Crichton is usually a good place to start, but I've already read all his books, and I have no more to look forward to (he's dead). I may try out a new author, I've been looking at recommendations on Amazon.com. I may even stop by work to get a chai latte and find out my schedule for the week.

*sigh* It's nice to be home.

the dayton days: 29

Monday. I worked 5-11:00 and did an Ecosure audit from 11-1:00. Since I finished Wright's What Saint Paul Really Said, I've started another one of his books, Evil & The Justice of God. I had Subway for dinner and watched some more "Bones" and then went back to work to get my tips before seeing "Inception" with Dad at 6:30. He liked it. Mom discovered Skype.

Tuesday. I worked another 5-1:00 with Wade, Asenath, Destini, and Mandy M. (who's no longer cold towards me). I read more N.T. Wright on break, and back home I watched the movie "Taken" (not the one about aliens). My book from 2004, 36 Hours, has been translated into Chinese and Spanish. That's cool, I guess. I had Mexican for dinner, and Tyler came over and we got DQ. Oh, our simple lives.

Wednesday. I worked 5-1:30 and took an AWESOME nap after work. Gotta kick in this vacation right! At the gas station I ran into Anna from Southwest and her fiance. The awkwardness was intense. Dylan & Tyler came over, and we played Wii and smoked on the front porch. The plan for my vacation was to go to Wisconsin and visit Mandy K., but that fell through, and it sucks. I was really hoping to see her, not to mention to get out of suburbia into the beautiful Wisconsin scenery. I'd hoped to have lots of time both with her and with God in the wilderness. But a few solid days with friends and family won't be too bad, either!

Thursday. I woke early and had a chai latte from Starbucks. Dewenter came over, announcing that he walked out on his current job, couldn't stand their incompetence, incensed by the abuse and unprofessionalism. We grabbed lunch at Applebee's, and he ranted and raved about it, then headed home to nap. Dylan & Tyler came over for our usual fun, and we watched a meteor shower in the backyard once night fell.

Friday. I picked up a Greek wrap from Skyline Chili and headed down to Kentucky. Mom went down yesterday: Aunt Teri cut her arm up something awful while working on some windows and had to get lots of stitches. I got into Lexington around 3:00, and I went to Starbucks for some coffee and perused bookstores on Man O' War but found nothing. Around 9:00 I got a steak dinner with Mom, Aunt Teri, and Grandma. I finished the revision of 36 Hours today, such a weight off my chest.

Saturday. Grandma, Aunt Teri and I got lunch at Cracker Barrel. Mom went home, and I went over to Jared's and we drank bourbon. Ashley was there, too, and Jesse & Mandy came over. I passed out around 10:00, quite drunk.

Sunday. Good thing I didn't go to Wisconsin: I have a gas leak in my car. We took it to Cotton's mechanics shop, and he's going to check it out. Blake picked me up from Aunt Teri's, since he was just a few streets away visiting his own family, and he took me to Cincinnati. Ams & I got dinner at The Anchor and House Church at the Claypole House turned a little hostile, and Isaac breaking out his recorder to ease Andy Waugh's tensions didn't help the situation much. 

vacation thus far

On Friday I went down to my aunt and uncle's house in Lexington. My mom happened to be there, too. We all went out to some bar and I got some great steak and then I watched a movie before going to bed on their couch. The next day I hung out with my cousin Jared at he and his wife's place. We grilled chicken and pork and made salad with macaroni and cheese, and Jesse and his wife Mandy came over. We shared some beers and then I went to bed and kept waking up thanks to my cousin's boxer trying to squirm into bed with me. This morning I went out and saw that my car has been leaking gasoline. We got it to a shop and then my friend Blake, who was also in Lexington, picked me up and brought me with him to Cincinnati. The car should be done later this week and then I'll pick it up. For now I'm going to be just driving my mom's Vibe around (she and Dad are in Colorado for the week). Now I'm in Cincinnati at the Claypole House. Amanda is coming over here and we're going to go grab some dinner later this evening, and then the night will be spent hanging with good people here at the house. Tomorrow Mandy is taking me back to Dayton, Tuesday I'm hanging out with my good friend Patrick, and then Wednesday it's right back into the swing of things.

"What St. Paul Really Said"

My journey through the works of N.T. Wright has hit another milestone: this past week I finished his book “What Saint Paul Really Said.” This is one of the best books of Wright’s I’ve read, up-to-par with both “Surprised by Hope” and “The Challenge of Jesus.” I give this book two thumbs up (three if I were able). He begins the book by looking at the background to St. Paul within the lens of second-temple Palestinian Judaism and the hope for the end of exile and all that entailed, as well as within the lens of Paul’s history as a Pharisee. He then launches into writing about Paul’s conversion, then delves into some of the more bulkier chapters. Throughout the book he writes a lot about the gospel—what it is and what it is not; and he does well to separate the actual gospel from the gospel’s effects on the hearts of its hearers—and his chapter on “the righteousness of God” was spell-binding. I was familiar with the N.P.P. approach through the works of James Dunn and Michael Gorman, and N.T. Wright really set the bar with this one, analyzing various interpretations of “the righteousness of God” and, in classic Wright fashion, showing which one held the most promise (“the righteousness of God” being God’s covenant faithfulness, and the righteousness he gives being membership within his covenant rather than some metaphysical “righteousness” in the moral sense). His chapter on justification was no more than a tease, and I’m excited to read his book called, quite aptly, “Justification.” He writes a lot about Paul’s message to the pagans and contrasts it with his message to the Jews, and he says that the message evangelical Christianity generally proclaims is Paul’s message to the Jews rather than his message to the pagans (his chapter on that was remarkably rewarding). In the second-to-last chapter he takes everything he’s written and brings it together in several threads of thought, the best ones being about justification & the church, and how the gospel proclamation demands that we preach the dethronement of all other gods (he specifically looks at sex, money, and power—Freud, Marx, and Nietzsche). Next up is “Evil & The Justice of God”, and I’m already halfway through it (it’s the shortest of his books that I own).

36 Hours Revision, IV

I'm sitting in my aunt's kitchen and the cocker spaniel is staring at me. I think he wants to go outside. Vacation is nice. Anyways, I've finally finished the revision of "36 Hours", the novel I wrote in 2004. I'm still not in love with it as I would like to be, but I'm content with where it's at now. It's wholly better than the 2004 original (if it weren't, then the last six years of honing my writing skills have been for naught). I may not write anymore fiction for a while. I'm still trying to decide (my current project regarding repentance is consuming my mind at the moment). Here is the "introduction" to the book given on one of the most popular zombie-fiction websites:

Good news! My 2004 novel “36 Hours” has finally been re:published after a long several months of editing, revising, adding and deleting. Thanks to my own discontentment with the original, and to the numerous critiques of readers, I decided to slightly revise “36 Hours”, and that “slight revision” evolved into a full-scale rewrite. All in all, the novel is significantly longer. The original ran 328 pages; the newly-revised edition clocks out at 458 pages (130 more pages of text). For those of you wanting to know more about the revision, read on!

If you enjoyed the original, I am confident you’ll love this one. If you didn’t like the original, I invite you to take a second stab at it (and I confess that the criticisms I received about the writing of the original were from the heart and spot-on at times). Because of Lulu’s pricing packages, and because of the longer page-count, a paperback purchase is $24.00 (plus shipping and handling) from the link below. BUT it is available as a free PDF download, and it will be for quite some time (in the future I may raise it to $2.00, so if you’re interested in reading it in the future, download it quickly!). I loved writing this book (both in 2004 and six years later), and I hope any of you who decide to read it will enjoy it also. I hope it will be a good contribution to the growing library of zombie genre.

Now to the changes made. First, I’ve changed the font size and margin width (the font size is smaller than in the original, and the width is larger, helping to keep the page count down). I’ve also changed the font type from Arial to Palatino Linotype. The perspective, originally 1st-person, is now 3rd person; I did this because I am more comfortable with 3rd person, and 3rd person deals with some of the weak characterization thanks to my poor use of 1st person. The entire script is rewritten. Paragraphs are reformatted, dialogue is revised, there is more focus on characterization. I have strengthened the fluidity of movement (one of the biggest concerns was that my writing style jumped around a lot, a concern that was well-grounded). I’ve also made basic editorial changes. More scenes have been added. Each chapter of the book represents a single hour in the 36-hour time-line of the story. In the original (and, in a similar way, in the second edition) the chapters are lumped together in different sections: the first twelve hours, the second twelve hours, etc. The length of the third twelve hours in the original was only 35-50 pages, and this is because I got lazy and just wanted to finish the story. Most of the new scenes take place in the last twelve hours (several chapters were condensed into one to make room for two brand-new chapters with more adventures). The biggest change of all (and I wrestled with this change for quite some time before finally giving in to the urge) is the addition of a parallel story.

The original novel was told in past tense, and the main storyline in the second edition is still in past tense. The parallel story, which is much shorter and inserted between different sections of the main storyline, takes place in the present, and it is told in present tense. It takes place around twenty years following the events of the main story. This allows me to fill up some missing gaps, clear up some cliff-hangers, add more suspense, and really deal with some of the major plot issues of the original story (such as the rapid expansion of the disease’s outbreak). The parallel story runs about 40 pages long. It’s been extraordinarily fun writing these scenes, because I got to look at what the world would be like (not least politically) twenty years after the global near-decimation from a zombie plague.

If you’re interested in reading the revised edition, just go to the link below. You can either purchase a paperback copy or download the novel as a free PDF document (but for a limited time only!).

Read "36 Hours: the 2nd Edition" here!

vacation begins

At 1:30 today my six-day vacation began. Originally I was going to go visit my friend Mandy K. in Wisconsin, but thanks to an unreliable car and a shortage of money due to that unreliable car, I'm unable to make the fifteen-hour journey there and back. I'm still going to make the most of this vacation: finishing the revision of "36 Hours" (which was put on-hold in April and worked on ever-so-sparsely since), reading (probably Ernest Hemingway, "A Moveable Feast"), watching movies and visiting family in Kentucky. It'll be a nice break from work.

The weight loss continues. I weigh in at 144 pounds now, two away from my goal; but I feel fatter, though it's probably due to some recent bloating (TMI, I know). Regardless, I'm still working out and eating decent (only 1100 calories today), so hopefully this slump will end. The original goal made in October of last year was 142 pounds; I began at 200, so I've lost 56 pounds, which is nice. My ultimate goal is 135 pounds, what I weighed as a freshman going into college five years ago.

School loans suck. The End.

the dayton days: 28

Rocking out Spongebob Squarepants while grilling chicken.

Monday. I worked an easy 6:30-1:30 with Jessica, Forrest, and Asenath. I fixed chicken for dinner and simplified my room: I moved out a bookcase, boxed a lot of shit up, and reorganized. Ams is in town--she's picking up Chris from the airport--and she read through one of my high school journals and mocked my weirdness. Dylan and Tyler came over. We hit up DQ and shared lots of laughs and went back home for Wii and cigarettes. It was good seeing Dylan: he's been in Myrtle Beach--no? somewhere else, maybe?--for the past five days.

Tuesday. I did some pilates this morning, had an egg and toast for breakfast, and I went to the Route 48 Starbucks for espresso and sat in the cafe reading N.T. Wright. I went to the salon down the street and finally got my haircut. Mandy K. texted me this morning, said she missed talking with me. "I miss talking with you, too," I said. It's been over a year since I told her how I felt. Jessie thinks she liked me, too, but that she wouldn't admit it because she was leaving Cincinnati. And although it's been a year, and the feelings have subsided, I remain confident that she is the most godly, genuine, and amazing woman I know. I think of her often, and it's stupid, really, because we'll never be together. But a boy can dream, and I do (quite literally) dream of her often. I can't help it. She's just that amazing, and any boy who doesn't see that is blind in so many ways. I hope one day to be with a woman as wonderful as her. I thought about all this as I worked 1-9:30. Our store turned into Mad River as the high school girls flooded inside for frappuccinos. I hate frappuccinos. The car was acting up on my drive home; both Abby and I think it's the alternator. Now I'm going to bed, and I'll probably dream of Mandy K.

Wednesday. I spent the morning reading N.T. Wright's What Saint Paul Really Said. A phenomenal book. Mom & I dropped my Prizm off at the shop (should have it back tomorrow) and I got two shirts from Target and we had China Garden for lunch. I spent the evening watching movies--"Moon" and "The Machinist"--and Dylan came over for a bit.

Thursday. The fix for the car only cost $70. Violent storms came all night long and more came this morning. I worked 5-12:00 (drove the Vibe) and saw lightning strike a generator. Purple sparks blew up and my car shook and sparks rained down over the hood and windshield. Mom & I picked up the Prizm after work. I cleaned the yard of all the sticks that fell thanks to last night's duress, and a bee stung me on the toe and it swelled up really bad. I nursed the pain with Chic-fil-a and hanging out with Dylan & Tyler.

Friday. I worked 7-3:00, the dreaded shift because you see all the openers leave and all the closers show up. Dewenter came over for a little bit, and we went to DLM for some eggs and then watched TV through the evening.

Saturday. I dreamt of Mandy K. again last night. Funny how that goes. I worked 3-11:00 with Abby, Betsy, and Denise. It was like Mad River again. Weekend nights always are. I have tomorrow off work, and then Wednesday afternoon my "vacation" begins!

Sunday. I went to Starbucks and finished What Saint Paul Really Said before hitting up Miamisburg Christian Church with Dewenter. We grilled chicken out back and watched TV. He headed to his grandpa's, and I spent the rest of the day watching "Bones" on Netflix. I had Subway for dinner. Sara called lamenting more drama with Keith. It used to be my words going in one ear and out the other; now it's reversed. I can hardly pay attention to her anymore. It's becoming a struggle to care.

the perfect pairing

Every Sunday morning I wake up early and go to work to get free coffee and spend some time reading. Ever since April I've been going through the books of N.T. Wright, and I'm currently reading through "What Saint Paul Really Said." I always look forward to Sunday mornings, and on days like this--when it's crisp and cool, not obstinately hot as one would assume August to be--it's even better. I sit down with four shots of espresso over ice with a bit of half-and-half and two splendas, and I just sit and read and relax. Really, nothing's better--and having N.T. Wright's wisdom and knowledge on the one hand and a cup of coffee on the other is really unparalleled in excitement. Here is something Wright wrote in the second-to-last chapter of the book I'm currently reading. As James Dunn said, even if you don't agree with Wright, you can't fail to be enlivened by him:

When we are truly announcing the lordship of Jesus, we must make it clear that, according to this gospel, the one true God has dealt in Jesus Christ with sin, death, guilt and shame, and now summons men and women everywhere to abandon the idols which hold them captive to these things and to discover a new life, and a new way of life, in him. But the gospel is not simply the offer of a new way of being religious. It is not the offer of a certain type of self-fulfillment, or a certain style of religious experience. It is not a take-it-or-leave-it thing, which suggests that people could try this thing on for size and only buy it if the mood takes them. The gospel is the royal announcement. No herald in the ancient world would say 'Tiberius Caesar has become emperor: accept him if it suits you!' The gospel does offer a new way of life, which will ultimately be the way of self-fulfillment. But first it offers the cross: the cross of Jesus, and the cross which the risen Lord offers his followers. The gospel is, then, the announcement about Jesus, not in itself the offer of a new experience. Whatever new experiences result from giving one's allegiance to Jesus are just that, a bunch of new experiences. The only experience guaranteed by Jesus' summons is that of carrying the cross. - N.T. Wright, "What Saint Paul Really Said", pp 157

such is life

It's frustrating, it really is. Money sucks. I can barely pay my bills and don't make enough to get my own place and to thus support myself. It's humiliating, really. I've spent $80,000 on a degree and I can only get a barely above-minimum-pay job. I desperately want to get involved in ministry, and I have sent resumes and emails and packets to churches and organizations all over the United States. Generally-speaking, the churches want someone with more experience, or with a higher degree; and yet the salary is only $30-40,o00, so if I went ahead and got my Master's I'd be in even more debt with those jobs demanding a Master's. Other churches say that they want someone older--being 23 years old doesn't help--and churches where I've met with the congregation (such as F.C.C.) admit that they don't want someone who looks like they're 12 years old. Thanks to all sorts of stereotypes and genetics (both of which I can't control), it's borderline impossible to get a ministry job. Mom is all over me about getting a "real job", thinking that because I have a degree, I'll be able to do it. The problem is, the economy is in such a state that businesses aren't hiring, they're laying off. And for every job I apply for, there's at least ten others (at the least) applying, most of whom will have either degrees related to the field or experience in the field. Which means my resume gets slid off the desk and into the trashcan of whoever's doing the hiring. It's extremely frustrating and depressing, and it's hard to find hope of ever getting out of this house and actually making something of myself. I don't want to be in this position, but there's really nothing I can do about it. And all those things people say to do, I am doing--but without any effect other than to convince me that it's hopeless. *sigh* Such is life.

I'm going to go grill some chicken and make some rice and watch TV.
Maybe that'll make me feel better.

restless

I've been feeling restless lately. Maybe overwhelmed is a better word. Actually, I think we should wed the two together to get a glimpse of what I'm feeling. It's the feeling of being tossed to and fro on the waves, without direction. Overwhelmed, because I am not making enough to save up money (I can pay my bills and afford gas, but that's about it), and the car problems never cease (I've deemed this "The Summer of Car Trouble", because not only have I had five things go wrong with the tires and engine, but many of my other friends have had similar issues). I also feel restless because there are areas in my life where I am not content, areas that I only have a little amount of control over. I'm also restless because I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with my life. I can't work in fast food coffee forever. It doesn't pay enough, and I can't find a ministry job that will hire a guy as young as me, as young-looking as me, and with as many unorthodox (albeit, in my opinion, biblical) perspectives as me. I have been considering making a living off my writing, writing fiction and trying to get it published, making enough to work at Starbucks and have my own place as well, but I just can't commit, for some reason; and I feel that if I were to do that, I'd be shirking away from what I perceive to be my vocation, which is advancing the kingdom of God. And, sure, I could write something along Christian lines, but let's be honest: most Christian fiction sucks, and it's an embarrassment and a mockery to the faith. My little book on repentance will only get 50-60 readers if I'm lucky. *sigh* I don't know.

Big Haircut

I finally got a haircut. My hair was in the awkward stage for about three weeks; you know, that stage between being short and looking good and being long and looking good. The stage where it looks like you have a mushroom cap of hair on your head. At China Cottage two weeks ago, Forrest's fiance Susie recommended a certain style for me (she's a hair stylist). I took her advice and tried to explain it to the hair stylist at the local salon and she did pretty good. Here's the new doo:

Now I'm going to take a shower, work out, and eat some delicious grilled chicken for lunch. Maybe throw in some rice to make it extra good. Sadly we're out of vegetables. Some broccoli would be good, too. I work 1-9:30 and have tomorrow off. I've taken the first chapter of the book on repentance and divided it into two chapters (it was around 30 pages long), which means I already have the first chapter ready-to-go for the first wave of editing and revising. My hope is that tomorrow I can, to some degree, knock out the second chapter. And then I'll write the prologue--which is about inaccurate and dangerous presuppositions and misunderstandings regarding repentance, misunderstandings found mostly within protestantism (as old Danny Dyke always said, "Protestantism has an anemic view of repentance.")--tomorrow on my day off, perhaps with French pressed coffee at my right side.

the dayton days: 27

Jessie & Me at Cox Arboretum

Monday. I worked 7:30-4:00 after a rough night of sleep: the AC is broken, but we're getting it fixed tonight. All night I was accosted by dreams of a beautiful woman I'll never be with. Mandy K. is still at the forefront of my mind so often, I'm not really sure why; it's been, what, a year since we "talked," and even longer since we talked (no quotations). This morning Tanner was dragging around a stuffed animal, an Orca I bought for Courtney on my Alaskan Cruise in 2007. Ironic. During work Jess Lynn came by to see me: "You're so tiny!" Betsy was being really nice to me, and I had her laughing by the end of the shift. Carly's car was broken into, and she was sobbing. My car got a flat, probably from all the construction on Washington Church. Aunt Teri & I fixed dinner--chicken, rice, and corn--and shared a few beers. Mom had surgery today. It went well, she's recovering. When she woke up amidst mid-evening naps, we went to DQ and got ice cream. I got a small cone with sprinkles. It's my jam. 

Tuesday. I worked 5-1:00 with J.J., Carly, and others. Aunt Teri came in to get a few drinks for everyone at the house. After work I met up with Forrest, his fiance Susie, and Carly at China Cottage in Centerville. Forrest is totally whipped. Susie's a great girl, though. We talked about all the politics and drama at work. I've been noticing more of it as my time there continues (I'm about four months in now?). Much of the politics revolves around Jessica, a new hire, being made a shift ahead of people who were there longer. Come on, Guys, it's Starbucks. Chill out. Regarding Betsy, Forrest (her brother) said, "She over-reacts a lot, and it's easy to upset her." Mandy M. is still quite cold towards me, but I don't want her being warm towards me, so I'm okay with it. Carly's friend Allison was supposed to join us, but she had to work. I think Carly wants to set me and Allison up, because (1) she always talks her up to me, (2) emphasizes her singleness, and (3) told me that she wants to set us up. I headed back home to work on my car, fixing the tire and rims, and then I watched a Martial Arts movie and went to bed.

Wednesday. I worked 5:30-11:00 with Jessica, Forrest, and Tony. Mandy, her sister Onaleasha, and Jessie and Rae came up to visit me. We got salads at DLM and then went to Cox Arboretum, but it was effing hot so we returned to the house and hung out for a while. Rae was being quite touchy and flirtatious, even more-so than during our layover in Mahomet before heading to Chicago. Jessie was weird about it, understandably-so, since Rae and Jessie's brother broke up in late April. After they left I took a nap with Tanner and spent the evening watching TV. 

Thursday. I worked 5:30-2:00. Sabrina & Maria came over to visit Mom since she's all but recovered from her surgery last Monday. I had corn and rice mixed together for dinner. I went to the Richmond Starbucks in Indiana and visited Jess Lynn and wrote for a while, sipping on a pretty awful americano made by one of the baristas.

Friday. I worked 6:30-3:00, drank espresso and smoked cigarettes on my break. I did some writing after work, and then Tyler came over and we smoked cigars and drank beers, Scottish ales, and we watched a depressing WW2 movie: "The Boy in Striped Pajamas."

Saturday. I got up early and grabbed espresso from Starbucks and did some reading. It was cool out today, so I broke out my faded jeans and cowboy boots. Jessica C. said I looked like a cowboy. Sarah came up, and we got dinner at China Cottage and went to Starbucks where Betsy was quite cold towards me (I am sexist, after all), and Sarah & I spent the evening chatting on the front porch. She's still really depressed about Keith leaving her for another girl, and she has guys flocking to her, though they just want to mess around with her. I went to bed thinking not of Sarah but of Mandy K. I do miss her, she's such an awesome woman of God, the kind of woman I want to be with. But that chicken flew the coop ages ago.

Sunday. I dreamt of Mandy K. last night and tried, quite unsuccessfully, to call her this morning. She's difficult to get a hold of. I went to the Starbucks on Route 48 to do some journaling. Dewenter overslept so we didn't go to church. I ate a big breakfast and watched the movie "Inner Space" and spent the afternoon lying around. Mom fixed a roast for dinner and it was quite good. We played chess (I won) and drank tea. Dad and I watched TV and then we all went to bed.

a new month dawns

It's August 1st and it's crazy that July is over. July was an action-packed month and unfortunately August will not be. My bills are through the roof so I find myself grounded at the house with no money to use for exciting adventures. It's a wrestling match just to find enough money to go out to eat. And Wisconsin? Yeah, the trip that I wanted to take--well, the trip I still WANT to take--won't be happening because all the money I saved up (and then some) went towards fixing my car (three times it had to be taken to the shop this past month; perhaps it's outliving its usefulness?). As I launch into the new month, there are three goals I have for myself:

Lose 5 more pounds. This would put me at 140#. My original goal was 142# and I'm three away from that. I'll need to really start running if I want this one to become a reality. I look decently skinny (at least compared to a year ago), and I'm glad for that--but I'm still not content. Some people say being discontent is a bad thing. Sure, it can be, if we just take that discontentment and let it fuel our resignation, sitting on our asses in the dust and wailing about our own miserable state-of-being. But it can be a good thing, too: it can prod us to make changes, to pursue contentment; to embrace risks and dangers and adventures, to push ourselves beyond our hypothetical limit. It can make us curse and sweat and scream and bleed, and it can make us actually accomplish something, however insignificant it may be. Anyhow, my goal is to lose about 1 1/4 pound a week. That should be pretty simple if I stick to the regimen (in reality, I could be to 135#, but I doubt that will happen).

Quit smoking. I tried to quit last month and failed. This month I'm going to try again. As I told my best friend Jessie, "I think the problem is that I can't imagine life without smoking--if I were to quit smoking, it would demand a reorientation and reconfiguring of everything. It'd be like dismemberment." And when I tried to quit, that's how it felt. But I'm going to try again. I've been doing imaginative exercises in the effort to see what my life can be and become without smoking involved.

Write a book. Specifically, that book on repentance. I'm almost done with the second chapter; it's around 30 pages long. Quite a hefty chapter, but foundational to understanding repentance. I have about ten chapters planned for it, broken into three sections, and I have tons of notes and ideas and thoughts to convey onto paper. Hardly anyone will read it, but it'd be a nice accomplishment. The gospel's demand on repentance is not taken as seriously as the gospel's demand on faith, when in reality the two go hand-in-hand. And for those who say that faith is more important than repentance, I remember the ancient Jewish saying that repentance is the first--not the second--half of faith. Anyways. I'm going to try to finish the book, and meanwhile I'm pondering a book called "The Myth of Destiny" that, well, has the potential to be liberating, depressing, and will probably piss a lot of people off (if I write it well).