restless

I've been feeling restless lately. Maybe overwhelmed is a better word. Actually, I think we should wed the two together to get a glimpse of what I'm feeling. It's the feeling of being tossed to and fro on the waves, without direction. Overwhelmed, because I am not making enough to save up money (I can pay my bills and afford gas, but that's about it), and the car problems never cease (I've deemed this "The Summer of Car Trouble", because not only have I had five things go wrong with the tires and engine, but many of my other friends have had similar issues). I also feel restless because there are areas in my life where I am not content, areas that I only have a little amount of control over. I'm also restless because I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with my life. I can't work in fast food coffee forever. It doesn't pay enough, and I can't find a ministry job that will hire a guy as young as me, as young-looking as me, and with as many unorthodox (albeit, in my opinion, biblical) perspectives as me. I have been considering making a living off my writing, writing fiction and trying to get it published, making enough to work at Starbucks and have my own place as well, but I just can't commit, for some reason; and I feel that if I were to do that, I'd be shirking away from what I perceive to be my vocation, which is advancing the kingdom of God. And, sure, I could write something along Christian lines, but let's be honest: most Christian fiction sucks, and it's an embarrassment and a mockery to the faith. My little book on repentance will only get 50-60 readers if I'm lucky. *sigh* I don't know.