A year ago today was the worst day of my life thus far. Looking back on it, it shouldn't have been so awful. The thing about events and how you rate them is that your emotions play the key role. Had this happened now, I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep. This is what happened: I was head-over-heels for a girl who wouldn't be with me for a laundry list of ridiculous reasons. We lived together, which was a bad move in the first place. That night I dropped her off at Bar 127 in Hamilton, and a few hours later I went to pick her up. She was crawling all over him, practically humping him on the bar. She brought him back to the house and flaunted it before me, then went downstairs and messed around with him, all of which I could hear through the thin walls and duct systems weaving throughout the house. I took eight shots of bourbon in a single minute, then vomited all over the place and fell into a ball, shaking. The next morning I broke off our friendship (temporarily) and moved out of the house.
It all seems so foolish now, and it really is. My emotions were just so vested into her and into the situation that I literally reached a breaking point. I didn't think I'd ever find anyone like her, and when everything fell apart, I reached bottom when it comes to romantic aspirations. A year later, she and I are still friends but not as close as we used to be (for better or worse). I have no romantic desires for her, and in fact I'm dating an awesome girl, who's beautiful inside and out. Looking back just makes me think about how we humans so easily invest, which is foolish (although which is more foolish: immaturely investing or immaturely hardening your heart?). All this thinking makes me contemplate two aspects of human nature:
1. Human beings are probably the only creature in the animal kingdom which pursues tragedy, knowing all along that tragedy is all that stands at the end of the road. Unless, of course, you count lemmings. We bathe in agony, to put it lightly, and as much as we cry and moan about the agony, we just duck our heads down in it more and more. Some are more affront about it than others (e.g. drama queens), but all of us have a tendency not to mend broken hearts but to keep reopening them. In the above situation, I could've quite easily avoided the emotional trauma if I had been wise and sensible at the beginning. But, no, we human creatures entertain fantastical hopes while knowing that the end result will only be pain and disillusionment. And yet, knowing this, we run harder and harder towards that goal. Foolishness.
2. We can become so entrenched in something, or someone (or, in my case, the very idea of someone) that our entire lives are prioritized around that thing. It becomes the centerpiece of all that we stand for, and it's there in our waking and sleeping movements, dictating our choices and decisions, influencing everything we say and do. And sometimes, sure, that can be a good thing (e.g. a marriage); but more often it's an awful thing. As I bathed in the tragedy of my failed romantic aspirations, I missed out on having amazing times with amazing friends. It wasn't until after all this that my eyes were opened to all the great friendships and experiences around me, and it saddens me that until now (i.e. until moving home) that I didn't relish and pursue these friendships and experiences as I could have. They say love is blind, and misplaced love blinds us to all the other love that surrounds us.
1. Human beings are probably the only creature in the animal kingdom which pursues tragedy, knowing all along that tragedy is all that stands at the end of the road. Unless, of course, you count lemmings. We bathe in agony, to put it lightly, and as much as we cry and moan about the agony, we just duck our heads down in it more and more. Some are more affront about it than others (e.g. drama queens), but all of us have a tendency not to mend broken hearts but to keep reopening them. In the above situation, I could've quite easily avoided the emotional trauma if I had been wise and sensible at the beginning. But, no, we human creatures entertain fantastical hopes while knowing that the end result will only be pain and disillusionment. And yet, knowing this, we run harder and harder towards that goal. Foolishness.
2. We can become so entrenched in something, or someone (or, in my case, the very idea of someone) that our entire lives are prioritized around that thing. It becomes the centerpiece of all that we stand for, and it's there in our waking and sleeping movements, dictating our choices and decisions, influencing everything we say and do. And sometimes, sure, that can be a good thing (e.g. a marriage); but more often it's an awful thing. As I bathed in the tragedy of my failed romantic aspirations, I missed out on having amazing times with amazing friends. It wasn't until after all this that my eyes were opened to all the great friendships and experiences around me, and it saddens me that until now (i.e. until moving home) that I didn't relish and pursue these friendships and experiences as I could have. They say love is blind, and misplaced love blinds us to all the other love that surrounds us.
1 comment:
i love you anthony :]
Post a Comment