Yesterday was a bad day. I have bad days, sometimes, as does everyone. This one was REALLY bad. I don't really want to go into it. What sucks the most, though, is that when these days strike, when I'm cycling really badly, I have a warped view of reality and speak from that warped view of reality, sometimes saying hurtful things. Yesterday I made one of my best friends cry, and let me tell you, the pain of that is the worst pain imaginable. Seeing the tears in her eyes was like having a wrench driven into my heart. We talked about it later in the evening; I profusely apologized and explained myself, and she said everything is cool between us, but I can't help but fear that it's not. I just... I just keep seeing the tears in her eyes, the pain etched across her face, and it is something that I never want to see again. I feel like a deuschbag and a jackass and a bastard all rolled into one.
I have lost many friends over the years. The people I have grown closest to are no longer a part of my life. I have grown really close to Sarah, and the fear of losing Sarah--a fear conditioned into my psyche due to being back-stabbed, betrayed, and abandoned by those friends closest to me--consumes me. It doesn't make any rational sense: "The moment you get really close and intimate with someone, they will leave you." But it's happened so often throughout my life that it sticks at the forefront of my mind. And because I have been fearing losing Sarah, I have been constructing walls, erecting defenses, to guard against this; and in doing so, I am simply guaranteeing that my fear is realized--except losing her will not be due to what she's done or any other circumstances but due to my own foolish, fear-driven actions. This happened over a year ago with one of my best friends Jessie. She called me out on it, and stopped the madness, and we're still really great friends. Now it's happening with Sarah, and it says as much about the nature of our friendship as it does about me. Our friendship is quite solid and secure, and we've been through hell and back, through a maze of ups and downs and twists and turns, and we're still really good friends. I guess I'm just afraid of losing that, and in that fear I try to guard against the unimaginable pain I would feel as the dissolution of a friendship. I don't know. All I know is that Sarah means the world to me, and I can't imagine life without her.
I have lost many friends over the years. The people I have grown closest to are no longer a part of my life. I have grown really close to Sarah, and the fear of losing Sarah--a fear conditioned into my psyche due to being back-stabbed, betrayed, and abandoned by those friends closest to me--consumes me. It doesn't make any rational sense: "The moment you get really close and intimate with someone, they will leave you." But it's happened so often throughout my life that it sticks at the forefront of my mind. And because I have been fearing losing Sarah, I have been constructing walls, erecting defenses, to guard against this; and in doing so, I am simply guaranteeing that my fear is realized--except losing her will not be due to what she's done or any other circumstances but due to my own foolish, fear-driven actions. This happened over a year ago with one of my best friends Jessie. She called me out on it, and stopped the madness, and we're still really great friends. Now it's happening with Sarah, and it says as much about the nature of our friendship as it does about me. Our friendship is quite solid and secure, and we've been through hell and back, through a maze of ups and downs and twists and turns, and we're still really good friends. I guess I'm just afraid of losing that, and in that fear I try to guard against the unimaginable pain I would feel as the dissolution of a friendship. I don't know. All I know is that Sarah means the world to me, and I can't imagine life without her.
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