Sarah and I had a nice heart-to-heart last night. I had hoped that me confessing my feelings for her back in November wouldn't have a negative affect on our relationship. I had been certain it hadn't, but it has gotten to the point where we cannot be open and honest with each other because I will interpret what she says one way, and she will interpret what I say in another way. The result is that our friendship has entered into a different dynamic, and I hate it. Not the friendship, the dynamic. I long for the days of last summer when we could be open and honest with each other. She's one of my best friends, and it's gotten to the point where we're more like mere friends than anything else. The type of friend with whom you share funny stories and the events of your day, but with whom you don't truly open yourself up, revealing your hopes and fears and hurts and disappointments. We used to wrestle with one another and beside one another through the trials of life, and now, quite frankly, we can't. It's not her fault. It's mine. There's no way around that. We talked about it tonight, and I regret ever telling her that I liked her. I knew by doing so that I was shooting myself in the foot. I knew she didn't like me, for a variety of reasons, yet this stupid thing we called "hope" forced me into that damn coffee shop, forced me to have that damn conversation. And I use damn in the strictest sense--because if I could, I would damn that conversation.
I have lost so many friends over the last five years that I realize how precious friendship can be. And I know right now that, while the feelings for Sarah are gone, a scar remains. Not a scar in my heart, nor in hers, but in our friendship. And I fear it will never be as it was. She told me, quite frankly, that until we move out, the dynamic will not change. We'll be stuck in that rut. And I don't want that to happen. I want the original dynamic to return. But I went and screwed things up, just like I always do. There are so many lessons I could learn from this, and none are optimistic. In the end, I fear, once May comes, when we go our separate ways, we will be friends no longer. She's going to be living with Amanda, and I'll see her there, of course. But I fear we won't spend time together anymore. I fear that we won't have the conversations we used to have. I fear that she will just be another friend that was lost. While most of my friendships have been lost due to me being back-stabbed, betrayed, or flat-out abandoned, this one would be one of those friendships that is lost due to my own foolishness. Oh, here's a good lesson learned: if you fall head-over-heels for a girl, and if you know you're not good enough for her, don't say shit, because there's never a happy ending.
For anyone who's confused, check out these older links regarding what happened in November:
shooting myself in the foot
here we go again
next step? who knows?
I have lost so many friends over the last five years that I realize how precious friendship can be. And I know right now that, while the feelings for Sarah are gone, a scar remains. Not a scar in my heart, nor in hers, but in our friendship. And I fear it will never be as it was. She told me, quite frankly, that until we move out, the dynamic will not change. We'll be stuck in that rut. And I don't want that to happen. I want the original dynamic to return. But I went and screwed things up, just like I always do. There are so many lessons I could learn from this, and none are optimistic. In the end, I fear, once May comes, when we go our separate ways, we will be friends no longer. She's going to be living with Amanda, and I'll see her there, of course. But I fear we won't spend time together anymore. I fear that we won't have the conversations we used to have. I fear that she will just be another friend that was lost. While most of my friendships have been lost due to me being back-stabbed, betrayed, or flat-out abandoned, this one would be one of those friendships that is lost due to my own foolishness. Oh, here's a good lesson learned: if you fall head-over-heels for a girl, and if you know you're not good enough for her, don't say shit, because there's never a happy ending.
For anyone who's confused, check out these older links regarding what happened in November:
shooting myself in the foot
here we go again
next step? who knows?
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