the lehman house [37]

Monday. Turns out Sarah DID have sex with a stranger Saturday night. My heart crumbled when I found out. Why am I so in love with this woman???? Maggie was going to come over tonight, but she got wasted last night and has an awful hangover, so that fell through. She promised to come over soon. It’ll be interesting to see if that pans out. I joined Sarah for a trip to T-Mobile. She could tell I was pretty upset over her sleeping with some random guy the other night but didn’t say anything, and neither did I. We grabbed dinner and coffee at the Barnes & Noble Starbucks. She went to her “brother’s” house (probably Keith’s).

Tuesday. I drank bourbon late last nigh and felt nauseas until 4 AM. Maggie came over around 11:30. We got lunch from Taco Bell and watched TV. She made a comment about me being sexy, haha. She left for work, and Sarah and I cleaned the house. Ams went to Dayton. Sarah and I watched “The Hurt Locker” and “The Exorcist.”

Wednesday. I was bored all morning, so I went to the Levee to walk around. I went to a bible study in Camp Washington with Isaac, Amos, Rob & Mandy. Amos and I had great conversation when I dropped him off at their Summit View apartment. Sarah, Ams and I watched “The Proposal.” Sandra Bullock is hot and I want to move to Sitka, Alaska so badly. “You’d fit in there,” Sarah said. It’s a good dream.

Thursday. I need to get over Sarah. There’s no happy ending here. She has no interest in me, sleeps around with strangers, and for all I know she’s a walking STD. Unless I martyr my feelings for her, my affection for her will be my own slaying. Amos & I ate lunch at Skyline Chili, and Maggie came over to use my printer and then left without saying bye. She was high as hell, too. “I really don’t like her,” Ams said. When Sarah got home we went to Applebee’s and I said some hurtful things. There were tears in her eyes on the ride home. I felt awful, haven’t felt so low and rotten in a long while. She went for a drive to cry, and when she got back we talked, I apologized profusely, and I told her, “You’re my best friend, you know? I’ve never been closer to anyone before, and I’m terrified of losing you as a friend. And so I erect defenses against this, self-preservation, and I sabotage the friendship on my own accord. But the truth is, Sarah, I care about you SO FUCKING MUCH, and I don’t want to lose you.”

Friday. Jessie returned to Illinois following her early week class. Jess Lynn was in town. She came over, and we went to the Starbucks in Mariemont and shared a French press. When we got home, Dylan was here. She thought he was cute. So do I! Dylan and I went to House Church at Rob & Mandy’s. Dinner & Discipleship. Lots of good folk were there: Isaac, Amos, Tony H. Dylan, Sarah and I joined Rob, Mandy, Mandy’s sister Kaitlyn, and Tony H. for a nigh in Mount Adams. The Blind Lemon was too crowded for our tastes, so we went to another bar and got a table. I had two shots of Grey Goose vodka and Tony H. and I shared shots of bourbon. We went to The Pavilion and danced like fools in the club, it was amazing. Sarah and I grinded up against one another. Some dude grabbed Kaitlyn and yelled, “Let’s fuck!” so we left.

Saturday. Dylan and I saw “The Book of Eli” in Newport, visited with Sarah at Tri-Health, and then went to Jungle Jim’s. He headed home and I took a nap. I woke depressed. I was alone all night and the depression overwhelmed me, I wanted to cut so badly. I forced myself out of the house, went to The Sunset Pub and bought three shots and sat alone at the bar and shot them. I called Amos and Mandy and Nate to see if anyone wanted to join me, but they were all busy. So I drove home drunk and then sat in the dark alone and listened to music.

Sunday. I woke up, felt a bit better, read the Bible for a little while. Sarah and I had eggs and toast for lunch. She went to her mom’s and I went to the Starbucks in Mariemont to read, drink coffee, and enjoy biscotti. I took my hot caramel macchiato and walked around Mariemont in a cold and drizzling rain. I went to the stone chapel and stood in the rain and drank my coffee and prayed for a bit. I prayed for God to take away my feelings for Sarah, prayed that he would bring me a wife and soon. I thanked him for my loving family, for all my great and cherished friends, and I asked God to make something beautiful out of my life. I pleaded with him to take away my poain, and if not to at least grant me peace, joy, and endurance in the midst of it. I stood there and thought about how she ignores me, and I didn’t thank God for this but I thought about how it was for the best, because we’re both fucked up and would probably be toxic to one another. I headed back home and joined Mandy, Kaitlyn, and Tony for bourbon shots and a trip to Steak & Shake. We were going to hit up bars in Newport but they were far too crowded.