my new addiction

Three shots straight espresso topped with whipped cream. A cafe con panna. J.J. convinced me to try one the other day at work, and so far today I've had four of them. That's twelve shots of espresso. And I'm still tired. Probably due to a building tolerance to caffeine supplemented by only getting three hours of sleep last night (pondering theology hurts my brain and keeps me awake). If I hold out for a little while longer, maybe I'll start having hallucinations (I am trying to be more optimistic).

"What Is Repentance?"

I have been pondering repentance. Amidst my ponderings of repentance, I have spent much time thinking about and studying about what repentance actually means and what it entails. Protestantism's view of repentance is, as a wise old man once said, quite anemic. Within many circles of protestantism, repentance is equivocal to feeling bad about your sins and telling God, "I won't do it again." The idea is that a heart that is sorry for sin is a repentant heart; never mind that the "sorrow" over sin could be due to nothing more than a prefabricated guilt complex, or even due to one's own pride. In thinking about repentance, I've started studying repentance from the perspective of the Old Testament. This is because the conceptions of repentance found in the New Testament--written almost entirely by Christians with Jewish background and thus influenced heavily by Jewish thought and convictions--are built upon what we find in the Old. And, to put it bluntly, this popular perception of repentance found within protestantism--namely, the idea that it is feeling sorry for sin--is not only anemic but also nothing like what we find in the Old Testament.

In the Old Testament, repentance is always founded upon a change in behavior. At the heart of repentance is the idea of turning. In this sense, we can repent either TO God or AWAY from God. The prophet Jeremiah shouted at the disobedient Judeans, "Repent from your repenting, you repenters!" In other words, "Turn from your turning, you turners." This play on words meant that they were to stop turning away from God. The call to repentance in this case was in the negative; most often the call to repentance is in the positive--"Turn TO God" but Jeremiah used it in this instance in the negative ("Turn AWAY from turning"). Repentance is the act of turning, and it is both negative (turning away from something) and positive (turning to something). When in reference to the repentance God demands, it is turning from sin (purging evil) and turning to Him (living in obedience). In the Old Testament it involved forsaking false gods (of which were plethora) and worshiping YHWH (the Judeo-Christian God) alone. The worship of YHWH involved a restructuring of one's entire life to avoid sin and to live obediently before Him. The calls to repentance found in the Old Testament are very pragmatically-focused due to the circumstances and nature of the disobedience being addressed; thus repentance can take on a variety of forms depending on one's "situation in life." In Old Testament though, repentance brought about blessings and restoration, and continual disobedience brought about curses and ruin, and eventual judgment.

When we get to the New Testament and study repentance, we fail if we do not keep the whole of the Jewish thought of repentance in mind. The anemic view of repentance stated at the beginning of this post is due in large, I think, to the precise failure of not heeding what is found in the Old Testament. Reading the Old Testament, no one would be stupid enough to say that Jeremiah--and all the other prophets--were simply asking the disobedient people of God to feel sorry for their rebellion. The prophets demanded a restructuring of life around the worship of YHWH. When we get to the New Testament, this is the case, too. One might point out that the main Greek words used in the New Testament do not necessarily imply any sort of behavioral change; "They just mean a change of mind about sin!" one might say, and then such a person could leap into the idea of the words meaning to feel sorry for repentance. Never mind that this completely ignores all the Old Testament background and preconceived notions regarding repentance held by the New Testament writers. The use of the Greek words, I think, is merely because the letters were written in Greek and those were the closest equivalents to the Jewish thought of repentance. When repentance is spelled out in the New Testament, it always involves behavioral change. Of course, those holding to the view of repentance being a change of mind will say that behavioral change is a necessity if repentance is genuine. In the end, the exact meaning of the Greek words is irrelevant as long as the heart of the matter is kept pure: behavioral change is a necessity.

And just as for the people of the Old Testament, so for us, too, repentance involves a restructuring of our life in purging evil and obeying God. Entire novels could be written on the ins-and-outs of what repentance looks like ("Do This, Don't Do That," "Maybe You Can Do This"), but such novels would miss the point. The repentance-cries of the prophets were drastically different from one another at times depending on the exact nature of the repentance. At the heart of the matter, I think, is that in repentance, a person turns from devotion to himself and his kingdom to a devotion to God and His kingdom. The person who must repent is the person who has dedicated himself to himself. It is the person who lives to satisfy his own cravings, to invest in his pride, to build up his own kingdom in whatever manner he finds fit. Such a person is demanded by God to repent: to forsake the pursuit of himself and to pursue God; and to abandon the construction of his own kingdom and to work towards God's own kingdom. Repentance--devoting oneself to God and His kingdom rather than to himself and his kingdom--will manifest itself in a variety of ways.

And this point I want to make very clear: it WILL manifest itself. So many people claim to be repentant but fail to restructure and reorient their lives around God and His kingdom. In this sense, whether or not a person is repentant (and this is good to remember for self-analysis) can be seen in where that person's priorities, goals, ambitions, and dreams lie. If our priorities are still inwardly-focused, if our goals are founded upon our own pride, if our ambitions and dreams are to build up our own kingdoms however we see fit, then repentance is not a reality in our lives. Granted, the penitent person will no doubt struggle in his devotion to God and forsaking himself and his kingdom. If this were not the case, then no one would ever be considered penitent. But the overarching "appearance" of the penitent person is a life devoted to God and His kingdom, even if that devotion wavers or struggles or doubts at times.

the dayton days: the first three months

the beer tree at the park on Ohio Avenue

It's been three months since I've moved back to Dayton (Centerville, if you want to get technical). I've finally found a job, and I've had ample time to develop new friendships, rekindle old ones, and continue in those friendships down in Cincinnati. I'm slowly, ever so slowly, losing my draw towards Sarah. It's a long battle, and sometimes I feel like it will never end, that the day when I think about her without pain is a day to never be realized in this life of disappointment. Nevertheless, I sleep in peace at night (most of the time), and the distance away from her has been doing the trick. Rob said, "You seem much happier and more optimistic than you were before." Yeah. I am.

Monday. I woke at 6:15 AM for coffee and a cigarette and then hurried to work: 7-2:30 with a work meeting from 1-2:00. I had sushi for dinner, and Dylan, Tyler, and Dewenter came over. We played Mario-Kart. Dylan and I hung out for a while after everyone left. I was in bed by 10:00, and Sarah called me and we talked for a while. We hardly ever have anything to talk about anymore. Tomorrow I'm going to the Yosick House for the first time in years: Mario-Kart and House!

Tuesday. J.J., Jessica, Asenath and I opened this morning. I took a nap after work, dreamt I was a teaching pastor who led all sorts of bible classes, was a New Testament scholar, and I knew Greek inside-out. I was kicked outta the house at 5:00, Mom and Dad had some intervention with Tony from church, so I went to Spring Valley and wrote for a while before grabbing dinner with Dylan, Tyler, and Dewenter: CHINA COTTAGE! Dewenter headed home and Dylan & Tyler came over. We played Mario-Kart with Maria and Sabrina. 

Wednesday. I woke around 9:00, had a pretty intense workout at the gym, and fixed eggs for breakfast. I went to Spring Valley and did lots of research on 1 Peter 1, really trying to get back into the scriptures. I had a tuna sandwich with alfalfa sprouts for lunch. I headed down to Cincinnati, hung out at the Lehman House for a while. It's all boxed up for the move. I went to Refuge when they opened around 2:00, and Jessie joined me and we grabbed lunch at Sebastian's Greek Restaurant. She went to Bloc and Mandy & I went to a park in Clifton, on Ohio Avenue I believe, that has a forbidden trail snaking down a hill to a rocky outcropping over the dregs of northern downtown. We went back to Refuge and at 8:00 I went back to the Lehman House and Sarah and I went to Mt. Echo and took lots of pics. She brought up Billy, I made some snide remarks, she got mad. She doesn't know that the heart of that night lies not with the action itself so much as it does with her cruel, senseless, and heartless disposition towards me. I almost hit a dog on the way back and she flipped shit. I drove back to Dayton and settled into my bed. Cincinnati is not, despite my love for her, my home anymore.

Thursday. I spent the morning writing and did a deep clean of the Prizm and then went to Centerville Starbucks to do some journaling. Mandy found out I hung out with Sarah last night and got pretty pissed. "STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HER!" she yelled. "She doesn't want people who care for her. She's made that abundantly clear. She just wants people who will let her do what she wants without any regard to her own well-being. That's what she wants. Not you, not people who care for her. And you know what? She knows what she's doing. She's stringing yo along. And you let her. It pisses me off, Dude. Jesus H. Christ." Dylan came over when he got off work, and we went to DLM and got some mushrooms and fixed them for dinner. We sat out on the front porch and smoked cigarettes and talked. I really need to figure out what to do regarding Sarah, whether to keep being there for her, subdue myself, or cut her out entirely. I talked to Mike F., and he had some pretty good points: Sarah's in a bad place, and I shouldn't let myself get sucked down by her. I'm going to talk to Dan Dyke soon. He always has words of wisdom.

Friday. I spent the afternoon running errands and then went down to Cincinnati to gather up some more things (like my old-fashioned desk and bookshelf), and I went to Aroma's and visited Jessie. Mandy & I hung out at Refuge. She ranted and raved about Sarah. "She plays dumb, but she's manipulative. She's been manipulating you this whole time."

Saturday. Another day spent in Cincinnati. From 11:00 to 6:00, I helped the girls move their stuff from the Lehman House to the Rosemont Apartment. Mom, Dad & I did most of it. Chris, Sarah and Ams spent most of the time just talking. It was a strange feeling, Charlene coming to an end. Sarah, Ams and I bonded for a year, and today that year ended. Now I'm out of Sarah's life. She's doing her thing, and I'm doing mine. Ams is biding her time until graduation from U.C. The year at the Lehman House was bitter sweet (more bitter than sweet, let's be honest: once October thing, everything went to Hell). A bitter year of spilt tears and blood has come to an end. One chapter, riddled with disappointment and pain, gives birth to another. The "theme" has yet to be seen. Also: this morning Dan Dyke & I got coffee at McDonald's and sat on his porch and talked about everything with Sarah. His recommendation? Cut the cord. Don't let your love for her destroy your life. "Make a decision, own that decision, and remember: it's unbelievable how much a person can 'get over' something."

Sunday. I dreamt Sarah & Joe were dating and in love and she was happy and I was sad and alone. I went to Southwest this morning before working 2-8:00. After work I called Jess Lynn, told her about my dilemma. "Everyone says they know what they'd do in my situation, but when it's YOUR situation, things aren't so clear, because you're personally invested." I called Sarah around 10:00, she's sick with a sore throat, and then got ice cream from U.D.F. Ams is here tonight, has a doctor's appointment tomorrow for her beloved ovarian cyst. Grandma & Tanner are here, too. I'm glad I have my own room.

1 Clement & Repentance

I have been reading 1 Clement, and around the middle of the letter, Clement makes an appeal to the Christians in Corinth who have strayed far from God. It is a call to repentance, and Clement makes it clear (here and elsewhere) that those who fail to repent will be judged by God. In the passage below, Clement makes clear what is to be abandoned in repentance and what is to be embraced. He does not skimp on words to make the point that repentance is a very serious issue and not one to be minimized. Clement’s brutal and shocking choice of words hones in on the point that the person who does not repent is a person detested by God; and the person who does not repent will suffer God’s heavy judgments. He writes:

Therefore, since there is nothing [God] does not see and hear, let us approach Him with awe, and have done with this hateful fondness for mischief-making, so that we may find shelter in His mercy from the judgment to come… We must bid farewell to all slandering, lewd and unclean coupling, drinking and rioting, vile lusting, odious fornicating, and the pride which is an abomination… Self-assertion, self-assurance, and a bold manner are the marks of men accursed of God; it is those who show consideration for others, and are unassuming and quiet, who win His blessing… [So now let us return to the Lord by] fixing our minds trustfully on God; by finding out what is pleasing and acceptable to Him; by doing whatever agrees with His perfect will; by following the paths of truth. Wickedness and wrongdoing of every kind must be utterly renounced; all greed, quarreling, malice and fraud, scandal-mongering and back-biting, enmity towards God, glorification of self, presumption, conceit, and want of hospitality; for men who do these things—and not only men who do them, but men who consent to them—are held in detestation by God.

Scripture says, But unto the wicked God says, ‘Why do you recite my statutes and take my covenant upon your lips? You hated instruction; you flung my words behind you; when you saw a thief you went along with him, and you chose the company of adulterers. Your mouth abounded with evil, and your tongue wove a web of trickery. You sat there slandering your brother and planning the downfall of your own mother’s son. While you were doing all this I remained silent, and so you thought, you wicked man, that I was no better than yourself; but I will rebuke you, and make you see yourself as you are. Think of this, all you who forget God, or he will pounce on you like a lion, and there will be nobody to save you. It is the offering of praise that will glorify me; there lies the way by which I will show him God’s salvation.’

The end of this is what really shakes me up. The caricature-sketch Clement gives can apply to so many people we see within our churches. Remember that Clement is writing to people within the Corinthian church, and in quoting the Scriptures, he is applying it to their “situation in life”. There were people in the Corinthian church who knew well what God required and did not do it. They would, with their lips, praise God. They would speak delightfully of God and His ways, but God was not blinded to their hearts: they hated “instruction” (the act of being told how to live and thus living that way). They knew the commandments of God but “flung” them behind them: they paid no heed and ran forward doing what they wanted without any regard to God’s commandments. They made thieves and adulterers their close companions; the wisdom writings consistently warn against “taking company” with such people, and the New Testament says to avoid rich friendships with people (note: we are not to avoid these people altogether, but we are instructed not to become “best friends” with them). These people spoke evil things (the exact nature of that is unknown, but most likely it has to do with manipulation, deception, etc.). These people were slanderers of others and plotted the downfalls of people they were close to.

And while they were doing this, God remains silent. They may presume in God’s silence many things. In this instance, the figure in the sketch presumes that God is no better than Him. One might also presume that God is okay with what he is doing, or that God doesn’t notice. More often, we may believe that within God’s silence is His aching love to have us return to Him, and we may—with this thought—presume upon His great love to not repent. “God wants me so much, He won’t punish me.” But the truth of the matter is that for such people, a time will come when God will rebuke them, revealing to the person the true nature of themselves. How this rebuke will take place may vary from person-to-person, but whatever it is, the person will be face-to-face with the awful condition of his or her own heart. The rebuking here is to be taken as an act of judgment: when God judges, He often forces the person to see himself for who he really is; and, sometimes, the judgment comes when it is too late for the person to repent.

And quoting Scripture, Clement urges those who refuse to repent—those who “forget God” (not meaning an intellectual or knowledgeable forgetting, but a “forgetting” in the sense of paying Him not attention and instead focusing on other “gods”)—to “think of this” (to meditate upon it, to really contemplate it, to become aware of the realities of it). The end result, in Clement’s hope, is that such a person will repent. And if that person does not repent? Then God will—eventually—pounce upon him like a roaring lion. A roaring lion attacks and kills and dismembers. This is akin to what God’s judgment upon the unrepentant will be—and when that time comes, there will be no one to save he who had been unrepentant.

nightcap

Yesterday I went down to Cincinnati. Mandy texted me begging me to join her at some sushi buffet. So I went down, and she and our Thai friend Sa-Rah and the Indian kid Suraj joined us. The sushi was delicious. Afterwards I met up with my friend Jobst, and his friend Mike joined us at a coffee shop in Clifton. The waitress was cute and flirted with me, left a wink on my check. Ha. I got a nightcap: a cup of coffee with a shot of Wild Turkey bourbon on the side. I went over to Mandy's afterwards, and Rob got pizza and we played Mario-Kart, and Amos joined us and I took him home before returning to Cincinnati. Mandy and I talked about a lot of stuff going on in my life. Hard decisions that must be made. I am seeking wisdom in all of this. Here is a picture of my Nightcap (and, unfortunately, the pretty waitress is not in the picture):

Weigh-in today was at 153 pounds (losing weight gets tougher the closer I get to my goal, but each pound lost leaves a very noticeable difference). I went to the Gym and worked out this morning, and I had an egg and toast for breakfast. My grandma is in town for the week, and we're going to a Chinese buffet for lunch (she loves it). I did lots of research and found out how what foods are okay to eat and which are awful. I'm quite confident I can actually eat pretty healthy for lunch. This afternoon I'm going to get some writing done.

Mom has her High School Girls small group tonight; they're at North Park, and the girls asked Mom if I could come too. Haha. I am so popular with the young ones. A curse of my looks. Tomorrow my Week of Hell begins. I work nine days straight, some back-to-back 8-hour shifts. I'm not looking forward to it. But at least I'll be at 148# by the end of the week; of this I am sure. And work will actually help.

Moving Out, Part II

The picture above is the last picture the three of us ever had together as roommates. Once everyone was moved out of the Lehman House, that year--a bittersweet year, though more bitter at times than sweet--came to an end. And I was honestly saddened as I looked at their apartment with all their stuff boxed up inside, and they were excited to begin another year together, and then I drove an hour north back to my own place. I do miss Cincinnati. I miss the city and especially all the friends I have there: Rob and Mandy, Jessie and Tony, Amos, Jobst, etc. And I'll miss living with Amanda and Sarah. But I definitely think--no, I know--this is better for me.

I've always been the nostalgic kind of guy. Looking back into the past so much that I am blinded to the present, and the future then becomes skewed by the past. I am just hoping that this new chapter will bring some relief from the current of the last four-five years of my life. I'm hoping that things will start to change, that things will start to go my way. I hope the best for Amanda and Sarah, and I hope they have great times there. And I hope they miss me at least a little bit. I know I would!

sermon notes: 4.25.10

The sermon today was from 1 Peter 3.1-12, and it focused mostly on the roles of husbands and wives within the family unit. It was really good, and it made me want to go back to my notes for Prison Epistles class and look through them. I remember we spent several weeks looking at Paul's words in Ephesians (I think?) about what the Christian household is supposed to look like, and I remember it being revolutionary in my understanding of these things. I'll have to go back and look at it all again.

During church I thought about the relationship between our Social Identity, Metaphysical Identity, and the Condition of our Hearts.

Social Identity. This is our identity "within the world," basically our identities within society. Our social class, our social statuses, everything perceivable falls into this category. My social identity is: Single, Graduated Student, Working Class. That is my identity how people perceive me.

Metaphysical Identity. Our metaphysical identity is our "ultimate" identity. There are two metaphysical identities possible, and both possibilities have varying names, and because God is the Ultimate Reality, the metaphysical identities are centered upon one's status before that Ultimate Reality. The first is "In Christ": it is the status of a person reconciled to God through Christ and now a member of God's covenant. This person's metaphysical--ultimate--identity is one of innocence, purity, righteousness, etc. Such a person is 100% righteous, 100% pure, 100% innocent (not due to his or her actions, but due to God's actions through Christ). The other identity is "In Sin": this is the identity of the person alienated from God, an enemy of God, outside God's covenant. That person is 100% wicked, 100% unrighteous, 100% impure--and all wholly due to that person's actions. People have all sorts of different social identities, but there are only two possible metaphysical identities.

The Condition of One's Heart. This is a pretty broad subject, so I'll sum it up. Several months ago, one of my friends made the comment that because we have new identities in Christ, our hearts are healed and whole. I disagree with this. I believe it is the New Testament teaching that the condition of a person's heart is not changed when the person's metaphysical identity changes. I believe a person can be a member of God's covenant and still have a rotten heart. I also believe that rottenness occurs on several levels, and a person who becomes a Christian has a heart softened by the Spirit. Such a person will desire to obey God (obviously, since repentance is a necessity for conversion; and repentance is, at the heart, turning from self-obedience to obedience to God). However, the heart must be continually transformed. As transformation takes place, the person doesn't become holier or more righteous: the person merely becomes able to reflect and live out his or her holiness/righteousness more and more.

Moving Out, Part I

The last leg of the moving-out process is halfway done. I have spent the morning throwing out lots of trash and boxing up stuff and moving furniture. Soon we'll have the U-Haul, and we're taking everything to Amanda and Sarah's new apartment. It will be nice to have The Lehman House and all its toxic memories behind me. I'm living in Centerville now, that's where my life is for the moment. I'm refocusing my energies on whats important and trying to discover what it means to live wisely. I'm abandoning some of the foolish pursuits of my past in lieu of becoming a better person, the person I want to be, the person God wants me to be. The Lehman House was good, and throughout my time there I really looked inwards at myself, and I discovered that there are many demons within my heart, wretchedness that must be expelled, sin that must be killed. We all have the most optimistic view of ourselves for the most part, with a few humbling anecdotes of negativity; but overall, we must face ourselves for the wholistically negative creatures we are. So in that sense, my time at The Lehman House was good. Lots of introspection and discovery aided by the Spirit of God. I went through countless disappointments and spilt many tears (and even much blood), but it has brought me to the point where I know I must continue to develop and grow not only as a Christian (what I like to abbreviate as Xian) but as a human as well.

Anyways, that's me rambling.

Moving Out is kind of sad, too. When we first moved into the house, I had lots of hopes that turned into disappointments. Throughout the last nine months, I foolishly threw myself into a hope that I knew was foolish. Foolish hopes always end in disappointment, and this one did as well. As we move the furniture out, another chapter in my life closes, and I can't help but feel saddened. How many more disappointments must I experience? Why must every new chapter of my life be borne out of disappointments? Why must my life be a drama--even a tragedy of sorts--and not have even glimpses of happiness? Perhaps it is because life, in general, does not have happy endings; and dramas and tragedies are most similar to the condition of human life in this fucked-up world. All I know is that as the last piece of furniture is moved out, another chapter riddled with disappointment after disappointment ends, and it is my hope (perhaps just as foolish as all the others) that this next chapter will not end with another disappointment but with the fruition of some hope, however foolish.

cincinnati re:cap

Yesterday's visit to Cincinnati was pretty great. Jessie and I grabbed lunch at Sebastian's Greek Diner, and then Mandy and I went to some park in Clifton where there was a drop-off that dropped two hundred feet down into the ghetto. We spent some time at Refuge and Jessie and the Indian Kid Suraj joined us, and both Nate and Rob made me great lattes. I went by the old house and Sarah and I went to Mount Echo to take pictures in the dying sunlight. I got home around 10:00, my mind swirling with thoughts regarding certain friendships, the give-and-take of relationships, and human selfishness versus selflessness and how sometimes selfishness can be a good thing. Here is a picture of me and Mandy taken at the overlook:

Today I am going to clean out my car and reorganize my room and drink espresso and work out. I'm starting a relatively strict diet of eggs, lean meats, fruits and vegetables, and sparse whole grains. I'm at 151# and thus only have nine to go before I reach my original 53-pound "weight loss" goal declared on October 22 of last year. Tomorrow I work 6-2:30, and then I'm hopefully taking the van down to Cincinnati to move a bunch of shit out of the Lehman House, then swinging by Refuge for a drink and taking all the stuff back home, and Saturday I'm going BACK down to Cincinnati to move the rest of the furniture into Amanda and Sarah's new apartment on Rosemont Avenue. They're pretty excited about it. I haven't seen it yet.

Cincinnati, here I come (again)

I'm gearing up for another trip down to Cincinnati. It's 11:30 now (I think; my phone has a white screen of death, so I can't read/send text messages or use any of the other handy tools, like the clock) and I've been at Starbucks for a while. There are six "chapters" for the flash-forward scenes, and I've finished the first one (thirteen pages long). These chapters piece together what happened to the main character following the events of the original, unrevised "36 Hours." I'm taking a lot of the material from a first version of "The Toothless Kiss of Skeletons" (which I decided to write in a different manner, thus abandoning the earlier materials), and it fits pretty well. I just have to rewrite and re:summarize some things. I'll probably write the second "chapter" (it will only be 3-6 pages long) later today, and then next week I'll focus on getting the rest hammered out. It'll be a relief to have this revision done, then I can focus (maybe) on my revision of "Dwellers of the Night."

Like I said, I'm getting ready to head down to Cincinnati. I'm going to be running by the school to see some people, and then I'm going to be going to Refuge Coffee Shop for a while. I'm craving a latte (as you well know). Mandy and I may go to a park, and then Jessie and I are hanging out later. Around 8:30 or 9:00 I'm going to go by the house to see Sarah for a few before heading back to Cincinnati.

During my nap yesterday, I dreamt that I was a teaching pastor who taught New Testament bible studies and who knew Greek. I really wish I wouldn't have been such a slacker during college, and to be honest, part of me feels guilty. I haven't done much "biblical research" since graduating. I spent four years learning how to research and interpret the New Testament scriptures and it's all going to waste. But that's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother time.

the dayton days (XI)

Monday. I went to Stubb's Park this morning at dawn and sat on the patio and read 1 Peter and prayed. I made it to work on time--9:30-6:00--and I changed in the bathroom and went to the gym and worked out my abs. Dylan and I got dinner at Jimmy John's. I filed my taxes and called Sarah before bed.

Tuesday. I worked 6-2:30. Denise, an older woman who works there, asked if I had a girlfriend. "Nope." We talked about my lovely history of dating cheaters, liars, manipulators, and psychotics. "I'm going to find you a wife," she said, "because you're a treasure!" Ha. I went to Stubb's Park after work and ran and then took a two-hour nap. I went to Spring Valley and finished another chapter in 36H2 (only a handful to go!). Mom had her bible study here, and Megan M. was there. It was good catching up with her. Sarah said she'd call tonight but didn't.

Wednesday. I enjoyed some French-pressed coffee this afternoon and worked on 36H2. I worked 2:30-11:00. We weren't understaffed like we were on Sunday, so it went pretty well. The new girl, Jessica, is feisty, sassy, funny and cute. Ha. After work I called Sarah, and we talked for a while. Ams showed up around 11:30. She has an ultrasound tomorrow, probably has cysts on her uterus.

Thursday. I worked on 36H2 at work with some free espresso. I chowed down some lunch and went down to Cincinnati. I lounged around the Lehman House for a while. Things are boxed up, move-out is in nine days (the 24th). The End of an Era, and an end I long for. Ams and Sarah will be out of MY house (mine only in name on the lease). Hopefully the end of Charlene will mark the beginning of a new chapter absent all this Sarah hoopla. At 2:30 I went to Refuge. Nate's own coffee shop is finally open. He and Rob are co-managers. I got an almond mocha latte and worked on 36H2. Mandy and I hung out, and I got a butterscotch latte. She asked how things with Sarah are going. "I still like her." She just shook her head. Jessie, Mykaela and I met up at The Anchor. It was a great time, I took lots of pics. At the end of the night I hung out with Sarah at the house for a bit. She again said she loved Saturday and acted sad when I left. Do. Not. Read. Into. This. 

Friday. I worked 2:30-10:30 with Bethany and Leah. It went by pretty quickly, and I was home by 10:45. Sarah called me around 11:30, heading up to Hamilton to hang out with Jennifer and Stephanie. Her phone was dying, she said she'd call me back. We'll see. Last week she said she stopped hanging out with them because they were bad influences. That didn't last too long.

Saturday. Mom and Dad went on a mini-vacation today and tomorrow, so I had the house to myself. I got Chipotle for lunch and then went to the Route 48 Starbucks--Centerville Starbucks--and finished the last chapter in 36H2. Done? Not quite: I still have to redo the prologue, introductory materials, and parallel present-tense narrative. Dylan came over around 3:00. We enjoyed cigarettes and Front Porch Times, and we played Mario-Kart. We got burgers from DLM and ice cream. Tyler and Dewenter and his ex-girlfriend Lauren came over, and we played cigarettes and drank beer.

Sunday. I worked 2:30-10:30. On break I went to Kroger and got some barbecue chicken for dinner. I was in bed by 11:00. Mom & Dad got back from vacation while I was at work and were in bed by the time I got home. Sarah told me she'd been in Miamisburg with her family from Wilmington. "You should've stopped by to see me!" I said. "I wanted to," she replied, "but I didn't know where it was!"

manic monday

It's 4:30 and cold. Where did the heat go? It feels like spring again, and honestly I just want summer to be here. This week is a pretty easy week work-wise: I have Wednesday and Thursday off, and Saturday as well. Tomorrow I work 5:00-1:00, and then on Wednesday I'll be heading down to Cincinnati to hit up the Refuge Coffee Bar and to do some reading/writing. I'll be back in town late that night, and Thursday I don't know what I'm going to do. Sleep in, for starters! Back to work Friday, and on Saturday I'm (probably) helping Amanda and Sarah move out of the Lehman House. All of my stuff is already moved out, but they still have all of their stuff plus all the furniture they're taking to the new apartment. I work Sunday 2-8:00, I believe; and all next week I'm working evening shifts again (which I don't like, to be entirely honest).

I'm still losing weight. I was at 150# this morning. That's four pounds lost since the beginning of the month (an average of two pounds a week, which is pretty good). At this rate I should be at least to 148# by May 1st, but we'll just have to wait and see if that actually happens. I'm going to the Gym every day, hitting up the treadmills and bikes (when I'm not running at the park) and doing muscle building (today I worked on my chest).

Well. I'm at home bored out of my mind.
So I think I'm going to go do something.
Do what? Hell if I know.
I should be reorganizing/cleaning my room.
But I'm too apathetic right now.
Some friends may come over tonight to play Wii.
But I'll be in bed by 10:00.
Gotta wake up at 4:30 tomorrow.
And then my weekend starts :)

craving a latte

My diet went to Hell yesterday. Chipotle for lunch, two burgers for dinner, and a McFlurry from McDonald's. I don't even want to know how many calories and how much fat I consumed. My hope, though, is that this will help break my 151# plateau. I've been stuck there for about a week and a half now. This morning I went to the Gym and worked out pretty hard, and for lunch I had grilled chicken, and for dinner I'll have more grilled chicken. Cutting out the carbs is a little trick that helps lessen some of the affects of overeating. I work 2:30-10:30 tonight, and then I work 7-3:00 tomorrow morning/afternoon, and the rest of the week I work morning shifts. I believe I have Thursday-Friday and Saturday off (someone begged me for my Thursday morning shift so I gave it to her). Tomorrow after work I'll go for a run at Stubb's Park. Because of the cold and my lack of leggings, I've been doing my cardios at the Gym and not outside. Hopefully it's warm tomorrow, we'll see.

I plan on going down to Cincinnati Wednesday evening. I am craving one of Rob's lattes, and I have been wanting to just sit down and read through 1 and 2 Peter. It'd be a great time to do that. Coffee, a great atmosphere, maybe a biscotti, and the Bible. Makes for a pretty good time. One appreciates good lattes when he works at a fast-food coffee joint (i.e. Starbucks). Rob always asks how it's going. He hates Starbucks. I am not a big fan of their coffee, and though I get free drinks, I usually just get straight espresso (it's not too bad). But I love the people I work with, and it's always a good deal of fun, and the customers are pretty cool, too. So it's not a bad job at all.

I was going to rearrange my room today but was too lazy. I'll do it tomorrow after my run. I refuse to take naps after my morning shifts, because then I have too much trouble falling asleep at night. I'll take pictures of my new room and put them up on here. It's quite cozy, I must say so myself. And it'll be even cozier when I get it finished.

36 Hours Revision, III

It's taken about two months, but I've finally finished the revision of my original 2004 novel "36 Hours." And I must say, this is something I'm decently proud of. If readers liked the original, they'll love this one. If readers hated the original, then there's a good chance they'll like this one. The original banked out at around 330 pages. This one--with tons of new material (including two brand-new chapters and a new prologue) and reformatting and editing--comes to about 405 pages. That's 75 pages of new material. Now I'm going to write all the additional "flash-forward" scenes, which will come to about an additional 30 pages. Which means the book will be around 450 pages. I'm really excited about it, and I can't wait to make it available. Oh: I changed the ending. The ending is what many readers loved, and I've changed it to make it even better and more memorable.

Now I'm going to go have a beer to celebrate.

i look forward to that night

It is cold and quiet and I'm tired but can't sleep. Paranoia and loneliness consume me. At work I spent about an hour washing dishes, and in the back room I had time to contemplate my current state. My washing became more and more erratic and dysfunctional as my mind took control. I am doing all within my power to make my situation better, to rebuild. But the blows keep coming. Oh well. 'Tis life. I'll keep moving forward (or at least continue in my efforts to do so). The lyrics of a very good song by Deathcab for Cutie ring in my head:

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
and every time tears roll down your cheeks.
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've
yet to meet: someday you will be loved
like you never have known.
The memories of me will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs, like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.

I know a day will come when "the memories of [her] are more like bad dreams." I've written in earlier posts that life is cyclical, and that my life has been an unending cycle (thus far) of disappointment preceded by and also followed by disappointment. Yet the cycle also involves me "getting over" the girls. I never thought I would get over Julie, and my dreams were haunted by her future wedding day. When the wedding came, I didn't think about it until someone told me; and my response? "Oh, that was today?" The same held true with Courtney. Even though she was married an eighth of a mile from my house, I slept peacefully that night even though it had been a day I would dread. And this? I have my good moments and my bad moments. But I am slowly getting over her. Things don't bother me as much as they used to. And I know one day I'll forget what it was like to like her. I'll forget the hell she put me through. And someone will say her name and I'll have to think for a moment before realizing who they're talking about. I look forward to that day.

refuge coffee bar

My friend Nate and Rob are co-managers at a coffee shop in Price Hill, Cincinnati that opened just a few days ago. I saw it when the building--an old liquor bar--was being renovated. I drove down to Cincinnati this afternoon to check it out. It's pretty freaking awesome. The decor is great, the atmosphere is cozy and electric, and the coffee is way better than what I'm used to. Rob made me an almond mocha latte followed by a butterscotch latte. He's a master at latte art, and I'll be honest: it was one of the best lattes I've ever had. No lying whatsoever. Here's a picture of it (next to my trendy writing tablet, of course):

I told Ams today, "I wish I still lived in Cincinnati. If I did, I'd be at Refuge all the effing time."

I may be moving back down to Cincinnati in the Fall. Rob and Mandy, Blake, Amos, and Tony are renting a house on Claypole (right next to C.C.U.) and they'll have an open room starting this fall. Mandy says she wants me to move in. I think it'd be sweet, but I'd have to land a job down there (and it was tough enough getting the one I have now).

bitter nostalgia

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night shaking, and the memory of that night replays over and over in my mind. The pain of that night is more than anyone will know, more than she will ever know. We don't talk about it and I don't bring it up. But I still remember it often, especially in the quiet moments and in my dreams. As with all memories, the memory begins to shift and contort. There are certain moments I remember from that night clearer than ever.

I remember driving the streets at night and calling Jessie.
And I remember crying on the phone with her.
I remember walking in the front door and seeing her up against him.
I remember her smiling at me as she walked down the steps.
A cruel and senseless and unfeeling smile.
I remember taking six shots one-after-another just to drown the pain.
And I remember how it didn't work.
I remember lying in bed with the world spinning.
The world spinning physically and emotionally.
I remember lying there knowing what was happening directly beneath me.

I heard a song the other day that I've heard several other times. The lyrics capture that moment perfectly, and I listen to that song again and again, and I don't know why. But each time I listen to it, the memory becomes heightened. It is a bitter nostalgia. The song is "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers, and the lyrics in question are:

It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss.
Now I'm falling asleep, and she's calling a cab.
While he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag.
Now they're going to bed, and my stomach is sick.
And it's all in my head, but she's touching his chest.
Now he takes of her dress, now letting me go.
And I just can't look, it's killing me and taking control.
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea.
Swimming through sick lullabies,
Choking on your alibis.
But it's just the price I pay: destiny is calling me.

Here's the actual song:

quote fail

An old saying goes, "You can't change who a person is without destroying who they were." I've heard this quote used before. I won't get into all the details, but I knew someone who lived a pretty pathetic life: drug use, drunkenness, whoring around. I often chastised her for these things, and she would always tell me, "Remember: you can't change who a person is without destroying who they were."

My response? "That's the f*cking point!"

One of the biggest lies I hear is the idea that people need to accept you for who you are. Most people who say that aren't saying, "Love me for who I am," but, "Accept every bad habit and fault that I have." And whenever you question such habits or try to correct such faults--and by correct I mean prodding them in the direction of, you know, a more responsible, adult, mature life--they say that you are being unfair and mean. Basically I've found that people hate to see themselves for who they really are, and they'd really like to believe the lie that everything is fine when, more often than not, the exact opposite is quite true.

Grow up, People.
See yourself for who you really are.
Become the person you're meant to be.
Stop being pathetic, immature, and irresponsible.
GROW UP.

And no, I'm not being "bitchy:" I'm not saying this to any specific person, I'm not saying this because someone pissed me off and I'm finding comfort in the thought that they're 1. pathetic, 2. immature, and 3. irresponsible (although many people are 4. all of the above). I am simply sick of seeing people wasting their lives away and not taking responsibility for themselves. It's a lesson I've learned the hard way, and perhaps I'm just being ridiculously judgmental, but "it is what it is."

tuna and writing

Move over Subway and Penn Station, Jimmy John's is in "da house." And I feel ashamed for actually writing that. But I truly do love Jimmy John's. Their club tuna--with cucumbers, tomatoes, and alfalfa sprouts--is probably one of the best things out there. Yesterday my friend Dylan and I grabbed dinner there and then we sat out on the front porch and talked for quite a while. It was great.

This week I am going to try to finish the majority of my revision of "36 Hours." I only have about four or five chapters to go before I deal with the present scenes. I continue to sell copies of the old version each week. I know this book will be pretty popular in its culture and genre once I finish it. I just need to find the time--between work, working out, and hanging out friends, time is sparse. But if my dream is to one day make a living off my writing, I must get started. My mind is reeling with ideas for the revision.

And you know what else? Another idea--unrelated--is to go and buy Alfalfa sprouts and tomatoes and tuna and make my own Jimmy John's. Bam. That's where I'm headed now!

the dayton days (X)

Monday. I worked 7-3:00 and got tip money, which was nice. My afternoon was spent doing laundry and working out at the gym, followed by dinner with Hank at Panera Bread. We hashed out some ideas for a possible story adaptation of a music album. An amazing storm tore through, so much thunder and lightning and rain. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful!

Tuesday. I worked 5-1:00 and got drunk off espresso trying to stay awake. I went to the gym after work. Sarah called, said she was listening to "our song." "All the Same" by the Sick Puppies. I'd forgotten about it. We dubbed it Our Song in 2007 because we heard it wherever we went. My trainer Jeff said that if I do an hour of cardio five to six days a week, plus strength training and eating right, I'll be in really good shape. I had chicken and vegetables for dinner. Jobst called, lamenting his life. "You want life change," I told him, "but it won't just happen. You have to MAKE it happen." I met Dewenter at a funeral home, and we went to some bar in Centerville. Tyler joined us. I had a Blue Moon. I went by Hank's to pick up a CD and then Tyler & I relaxed at my place. I went to bed around 10:00, talked to Jess Lynn for a while. She reminded me of what I want most: "A quiet life with a loving family." And you know what? Sarah isn't good enough for that.

Wednesday. I woke at 7:15, made coffee, and ran off to work: 8-4:00. It went well, and I have tomorrow off. I went to the gym and had chicken for dinner. Dylan and I went down to Cincinnati. We visited Sarah & Ams, and then we joined Mandy as she picked up Amos from work at the Brazilian restaurant downtown. On our way back to Dayton, I told Dylan, "Things with Sarah are getting better." He said moving back home was a good idea. I agree.

Thursday. A huge storm came through last night. I spent my morning working out and then went to Starbucks for an iced chai tea and wrote for a while. Before going home I went to Stubb's Park and took some pics. I want to start running there. I worked on 36H2, haven't done that for a while: so close to being done! I just don't have the energy. Ams came down for a doctor's appointment with Joe, and she and Mom got dinner at Penn Station and then came back by the house. We all hung out and Ams & I sat on the front porch and smoked cigarettes and talked. She's really depressed and lonely. "I only have Chris and Sarah, and both are immature and unreliable." I told her she always has me and that she always will; that's a two-way street, it works both ways, and I'm grateful for that. She went back to Cincinnati and I got Subway for dinner and watched The Kingdom before bed.

Friday. I covered Megan's 6-1:00 this morning, and she's covering my 9-5:00 tomorrow. After work I deposited my check and paid some bills, and then I went and worked out at the gym. Dylan and his parents are in Nashville, leaving Tyler home alone. So he came over and ew spent the day together: we got dinner at Chic-fil-A, went to Wal-Mart where I got some clothes, and then we went to The Greene and walked around and went to The Pub. Ams has been having ab pains--probably a uterine cyst--and was going to come up and go to the hospital but decided not to. 

Saturday. I went for a run at Stubb's Park this morning, and then I went to Tri-Health to see Sarah and got a Greek pizza and pasta and worked on 36H2. She showed me off to her friend Brenda: "Look at how much weight he's lost!" She got off at 2:00 and followed me up to my place. We went to Stubb's Park and took pictures, and we ate at Olive Garden and then went to Spring Valley for drinks. We played Mario-Kart at the house and smoked cigarettes on the porch. Lots of girls were making noises in the subdivision beyond the trees and we went into the thickets to scare them but they went inside. I told her I'm glad she came up and that I had fun and she said likewise and that she should come up again. 

Sunday. I slept in, went to the gym and worked out before lunch. I worked on 36H2 before going to work. My first closing shift. Lots of people are on vacations so I'm doing some closings over the next two weeks. "But I still want you to be an opener!" Faith exclaimed. And I honestly like openings better. I'm definitely a morning person. All during work I asked myself, "Was spending an entire day one-on-one with Sarah such a good idea?" I don't know. I still like her, despite my convoluted perception of her, but I know I'll end up with someone great. Not her, but someone great nonetheless. 

a good saturday

Sarah came into town to visit me yesterday. We went to Stubbs Park and took lots of pictures, and then we went out to eat at Olive Garden, and then polished the evening off with free Starbucks and Mario Kart. We sat on the front porch for about an hour in the darkness talking and laughing, and then she disappeared into the twilight. The picture below is one taken of me at Stubbs Park (I took the buds and pasted them in my journal):

Today I work 3-11:00, then tomorrow I work 9:30-6:00, and then Tuesday I work 6-2:30, and I believe it's a 3:00-11:30 shift on Wednesday. Thursday I think I have off, and if I do, I'm going to go down to Cincinnati and check out The Refuge Coffee Bar. My friend Nate helped get it started and he and my other friend Rob are co-managers. It's pretty exciting. Beats the crap outta Starbucks. Last time I was in the place they were doing remodeling, and I hear it's quite swell now. No matter what I'm going down sometime this week to get a latte and do some reading.

the beginning

My good friend Patrick Hague is a pretty cool guy. He writes screenplays and has connections with film production companies. Early this week we met at Panera Bread and discussed writing a possible screenplay together. He wants me to write the story first, and then together we'll adapt it into screenplay form. We ordered our food and drinks and sat down and talked about the idea. It seems pretty solid. We actually came up with the idea for "Dwellers of the Night" together, but he became involved in other stuff so I wrote it myself. He wants this one to be truly collaborated. We're meeting together at least once a week to figure out what we're going to do with it. The story itself is pretty good, set during the Great Depression in the "dust bowl" of the west. Right now most of the burden is on my shoulders--I'm going to write the story while he finishes his current screenplay, something called "A Saviour Comes My Way." I'm excited about this story, and next week I'm going to really dig down into it.

a collage

fantasy and illusion?

Dylan and I went down to Cincinnati for a couple hours last night to load up some more of my stuff. I still have some things there, things I couldn't fit into the van. We loaded up several boxes into my car and then hung out with Sarah and Amanda for a while. We then went over to Rob and Mandy's, and we went with Mandy downtown so she could pick up Amos from work. Dylan and I didn't get back into town till around midnight. He slept on the way back.

Today is my day off (I have Saturday off, too). I don't really have many plans. I'm going to go to the gym and work out, then eat lunch, and then do some writing. Amanda is coming into town, so I'll get to see her for a little bit. That's pretty much what I have planned for today. Tomorrow I work till 1:00, and Tyler and I are hanging out tomorrow night. Saturday I'm getting lunch at Tri-Health with Sarah, and then she is coming up to my place for the afternoon/evening. We're going to go to Olive Garden for dinner and maybe shop for some clothes. Most of the clothes I have are way too big for me. One of the detrimental aspects of losing weight. Sunday I work 3-11:00, and then I work 9-6:00 on Sunday, and all next week I work a ton of morning shifts. The week after I'm working mostly evening shifts covering for people away on vacation.

Life has been pretty good lately, I'm not going to lie. I am beginning to have high hopes once again. Whether these hopes are founded in fantasy and illusion, or whether they are accurate hopes reflecting a logical futuristic progression, I will find out.

another night, another rant

Dewenter, Tyler and I went to a bar in Centerville tonight. We each had a beer and sat at the bar counter and talked about the shapes our lives are taking. The last four years of our lives have been extremely formative, helping to form us into the people we are: more realistic, more optimistic, more pessimistic. We're more responsible and more patient and have a better grip on the way things work. We talked primarily about how much we've grown into responsible adults.

Dewenter talked about people he sees on the weekends at bars, getting absolutely trashed and hooking up with people and making fools of themselves. These people are in their late twenties and early thirties. Some are even in their forties. And you know what? It's pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Some people never grow up. Some people never become responsible, never take ownership of their actions, never get past the point of living for their own immediate gratifications. I'm sure a lot plays into why these people do what they do. But in the end, they've become content to live empty and pointless lives. It's saddening and maddening, all at the same time. I used to feel much more compassion. Now I feel a twinge of disgust in my gut at such lifestyles. Almost a nauseating repulsion.

This past summer I went to a bar in Newport, right across the river from Cincinnati. My girlfriend of the time and I decided to go to meet some of her friends. They were drunk off their asses and it was absolutely repelling. I ended up leaving and went outside and stood by myself looking out at the river reflecting Cincinnati's lights. I've always been somewhat sickened by such lifestyles, but as I continue to grow and develop, I become even more sickened by it. I see it for what it is: people aren't just wanting to "escape the realities of Monday-Friday." They're indulging their most primal passions with no restraint. They're clutching at anything to make them feel good without considering the consequences. The result is torn families, bastard children, and ruined lives. And yet these people continue to do it. Ugh.