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| Jessie & Faikham (a.k.a. Sa-Rah) |
Tuesday. I worked 12-8:00 again. I'm getting better at the drinks. The Frappuccinos are easy. The hot drinks are a bit of work. Jess Lynn called me later tonight, lamenting possibly failing a class and not graduating.Sarah texted me, said she can't come up on the ninth. I just shrugged. I assumed as much: she's cancelled at least five times already. I told her I figured some friends would wanna hang out and she'd bail on me. She took it back, said she'd still come.
Wednesday. I dreamt that a girl I loved came up to me and said, "I love you." But she'd married someone else, thinking I didn't love her. Maybe that's an echo of my fear: loving someone and being loved, but being unable to be with them. I had the day off work, so I went down to Cincinnati to grab my mattress (my bed's been "stolen" by Grandma M. for a few days). I went by Tazza Mia in West Chester, visiting Rob, Mandy, and Isaac. I then went to C.C.U.. and hung out with Jessie and Mykaela. Everyone commented on how skinny I look. "Now you just need to do something about those man boobs!" Jessie exclaimed. Now I feel faat again. Before heading home I went by the Lehman House to see Sarah. She's all geared up for a party she's having at the Lehman House this Saturday: having a ton of people over to drink before pub-crawling around the city. On the drive home I cranked "Owl City" with the window down and a cigarette burning between my lips.
April Fool's Day! I worked 6:00-noon and had spaghetti for lunch. Mom & Aunt Teri went shopping and I took a nap. I dreamt about Sarah and woke up sad. I know being with her wouldn't be as great as I imagine it to be. But I know that if she changed, became even more noble and modest and responsible than she was when I first met her so long ago, then it'd be marvelous. Such a pleasant fiction. I went to Spring Valley in the evening and J.J. hooked me up with a quad espresso over ice. Abby helped me access my free wi-fi account. Forrest and I hung out during his 10 (a ten-minute break). Jacked up on coffee, I went to the library and got two books: one on memories and the other on Bipolar 2. Dylan & Tyler came over, and we played Mario-Kart and made a fire in the backyard. Dylan talked about how he hates his job. Tyler asked how things were going with Sarah. I told him pretty much everything. He said, "Being away from her helps you gain perspective. Now you see what a shitty friend she's been to you, and the kind of person she really is. You were blinded to reality because your head was stuck in the sand of illusion." Or something poetic like that. I told him about the direction her life's going, how I care about her so much and hate the prophetic glimpses of a wasted life. "All you can do is speak your mind and pray for her. And you can't let this negatively affect your life. She's in charge of what her life looks like. Not you. All you can do is become the person you want to be." He's right. Sarah's not my responsibility. My responsibility is MY life, and I need to focus on that. And I have been. I'm deepening friendships and cultivating new ones, working full-time, bettering myself physically and emotionally. My future's bright, and Sarah's future isn't my problem.
Friday. I went to Spring Valley this morning and wrote a paper for Kyle and sent it to him. Now he can graduate! Mom, Aunt Teri & I got lunch at China Cottage, and then we went to Premier Fitness and worked out. I did an hour-long cardio and an intense upper-body workout. Mom & Aunt Teri went shopping, and when they returned chaos ensued: cleaning the house, preparing food for tomorrow, running errands to pick up stuff they forgot. I've been booted out of Grandma's room, into my old room (which Dad had turned into his den). My bed's in there now, fresh from Cincinnati, and I'll be setting up my room fully come Sunday. Dylan and Tyler came over for a while, and then Uncle Bill and the Boys and Girls arrived.
Saturday. I had such a hard time sleeping last night, remembering that Awful Night at the end of February. In the quiet and calm I relive that night again and again. It's like a haunting phantom. I worked 7:30-4:00 with Wade, Asenath, Megan (an actress from LaComedia, playing "Christine" in the Phantom of the Opera; she's from New York), and Jessica C. (also a new hire, used to run a Wendy's or something like that). When I came home tons of people were over for Ashley & Mandy's joint bridal showers. I hung out with Ams, Jesse, Jared, and Uncle Bill. Ams took a nap and Jesse, Jared, and their fiances returned to Kentucky. Cleanup ensued. Before Ams left we sat on the front porch and smoked some cigarettes. She went back to Cincinnati. Sarah called from her party, it sounded pretty crazy, and she couldn't remember our address, and I told her and she hung up. I got depressed and went for a drive, smoking cigarettes and wondering why I always fall for girls like Sarah. I went down past Garage 1919--it's now a bike shop?--and past the graveyard to Clearcreek Park. Ams got home with the party in full swing, texted me about how crazy it was. She said Sarah was fine, not being stupid. "She's just really loud and obnoxious." I told Ams, "I want to not like her. I want to not care. But I don't know how." She said maybe I should just end the friendship. Cut the cord, so-to-speak. But I don't want to be another person who abandons her, even if that abandonment is driven not by me but by her own selfish, insensitive actions, her own pushing me away. I returned home from my drive and felt better, but my damned mind got the best of me, and then I was back on the road for about an hour. When I came home I sat on the front porch in the cold and quiet and smoked cigarettes, feeling miserable. I went inside and lied on the sofa and stared at the fireplace. A strange concoction of hope and cynicism stirring within. Around 12:30 AM Jess Lynn called. It was good talking to her, and I felt more at peace when the call ended, and I promptly fell asleep.
Sunday. I didn't go to church this morning. I fixed eggs and toast for breakfast. Aunt Teri, Uncle Bill, and Grandma left. I finished setting up my room. It's simple, and I like it that way. Jess Lynn told me a co-worker's brother killed himself. The main reason I didn't do likewise when I SO wanted to was knowing the vast pain it'd bring to Mom, Dad, and especially Ams, a pain that would last a lifetime, a never-healing scar. Today was beautiful and Dylan came over and we sat on the front porch drinking beer and smoking Pall Mall, a defining "White Trash" moment. Jess Lynn and I talked on the phone for an hour last night. She saw a green shooting star; the last one she saw was in September of 2008 when we were on the phone. She made a wish, the same as in 2008, but wouldn't tell me what it was. I told her how great she was, and she started crying. "I'm so lonely," she wept. My heart broke to hear her crying. I've heard her cry before, usually out of anger, but this was a different sort of cry, a painful cry.
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