a chaotic cesspool

I am sitting at my Starbucks sipping my free doppio over ice and utilizing my free partner internet. I have been thinking about so much lately. It's been difficult to get to sleep many nights. I feel as if I am in a sort of limbo: held taught between the Past and the Future. I reflect on the past, a series of disappointments and regrets and let-downs and episodes of intense sadness; and then I look to the future, a future resplendent with hope: a new life, a new twist of fortune, a new inkling of fate. I don't want my life to continue in its current state: a cycle of disappointment after disappointment, one after the other. Due to this, my recent cynicism towards life (cynicism defined by me as a "realistic" understanding of things) spawned such diagrams in my journals as this:

I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to continue experiencing one disappointment after another. I try my hardest, I do my best, I make changes, and yet again and again disappointment slaps me in the face. That's what my life looks like upon reflection. I read through my journals and see disappointment again and again. And I am in the rut of thinking that "such is life" and I have nothing to look forward to except more disappointment. It's not an enjoyable way to live. But I am beginning to embrace inklings of hope. I am beginning to see that my life is what I make of it. I don't want to live a life of defeat. And, no, I'm not turning into Joel Osteen. He's pathetic. I'm just realizing that a lot of us Christians just sit on our asses and expect God to make things better for us. But He's given us creativity, willpower, imagination. He's given us the tools to make things better for ourselves. And I imagine sometimes when we cry out to God, "How long until you help me?!" God replies, "How long until you take responsibility for your own life?"

Wow. This post certainly took a dramatic turn in thought.
Welcome to my chaotic thought-life. A cesspool.