the dayton days: the first three months

the beer tree at the park on Ohio Avenue

It's been three months since I've moved back to Dayton (Centerville, if you want to get technical). I've finally found a job, and I've had ample time to develop new friendships, rekindle old ones, and continue in those friendships down in Cincinnati. I'm slowly, ever so slowly, losing my draw towards Sarah. It's a long battle, and sometimes I feel like it will never end, that the day when I think about her without pain is a day to never be realized in this life of disappointment. Nevertheless, I sleep in peace at night (most of the time), and the distance away from her has been doing the trick. Rob said, "You seem much happier and more optimistic than you were before." Yeah. I am.

Monday. I woke at 6:15 AM for coffee and a cigarette and then hurried to work: 7-2:30 with a work meeting from 1-2:00. I had sushi for dinner, and Dylan, Tyler, and Dewenter came over. We played Mario-Kart. Dylan and I hung out for a while after everyone left. I was in bed by 10:00, and Sarah called me and we talked for a while. We hardly ever have anything to talk about anymore. Tomorrow I'm going to the Yosick House for the first time in years: Mario-Kart and House!

Tuesday. J.J., Jessica, Asenath and I opened this morning. I took a nap after work, dreamt I was a teaching pastor who led all sorts of bible classes, was a New Testament scholar, and I knew Greek inside-out. I was kicked outta the house at 5:00, Mom and Dad had some intervention with Tony from church, so I went to Spring Valley and wrote for a while before grabbing dinner with Dylan, Tyler, and Dewenter: CHINA COTTAGE! Dewenter headed home and Dylan & Tyler came over. We played Mario-Kart with Maria and Sabrina. 

Wednesday. I woke around 9:00, had a pretty intense workout at the gym, and fixed eggs for breakfast. I went to Spring Valley and did lots of research on 1 Peter 1, really trying to get back into the scriptures. I had a tuna sandwich with alfalfa sprouts for lunch. I headed down to Cincinnati, hung out at the Lehman House for a while. It's all boxed up for the move. I went to Refuge when they opened around 2:00, and Jessie joined me and we grabbed lunch at Sebastian's Greek Restaurant. She went to Bloc and Mandy & I went to a park in Clifton, on Ohio Avenue I believe, that has a forbidden trail snaking down a hill to a rocky outcropping over the dregs of northern downtown. We went back to Refuge and at 8:00 I went back to the Lehman House and Sarah and I went to Mt. Echo and took lots of pics. She brought up Billy, I made some snide remarks, she got mad. She doesn't know that the heart of that night lies not with the action itself so much as it does with her cruel, senseless, and heartless disposition towards me. I almost hit a dog on the way back and she flipped shit. I drove back to Dayton and settled into my bed. Cincinnati is not, despite my love for her, my home anymore.

Thursday. I spent the morning writing and did a deep clean of the Prizm and then went to Centerville Starbucks to do some journaling. Mandy found out I hung out with Sarah last night and got pretty pissed. "STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HER!" she yelled. "She doesn't want people who care for her. She's made that abundantly clear. She just wants people who will let her do what she wants without any regard to her own well-being. That's what she wants. Not you, not people who care for her. And you know what? She knows what she's doing. She's stringing yo along. And you let her. It pisses me off, Dude. Jesus H. Christ." Dylan came over when he got off work, and we went to DLM and got some mushrooms and fixed them for dinner. We sat out on the front porch and smoked cigarettes and talked. I really need to figure out what to do regarding Sarah, whether to keep being there for her, subdue myself, or cut her out entirely. I talked to Mike F., and he had some pretty good points: Sarah's in a bad place, and I shouldn't let myself get sucked down by her. I'm going to talk to Dan Dyke soon. He always has words of wisdom.

Friday. I spent the afternoon running errands and then went down to Cincinnati to gather up some more things (like my old-fashioned desk and bookshelf), and I went to Aroma's and visited Jessie. Mandy & I hung out at Refuge. She ranted and raved about Sarah. "She plays dumb, but she's manipulative. She's been manipulating you this whole time."

Saturday. Another day spent in Cincinnati. From 11:00 to 6:00, I helped the girls move their stuff from the Lehman House to the Rosemont Apartment. Mom, Dad & I did most of it. Chris, Sarah and Ams spent most of the time just talking. It was a strange feeling, Charlene coming to an end. Sarah, Ams and I bonded for a year, and today that year ended. Now I'm out of Sarah's life. She's doing her thing, and I'm doing mine. Ams is biding her time until graduation from U.C. The year at the Lehman House was bitter sweet (more bitter than sweet, let's be honest: once October thing, everything went to Hell). A bitter year of spilt tears and blood has come to an end. One chapter, riddled with disappointment and pain, gives birth to another. The "theme" has yet to be seen. Also: this morning Dan Dyke & I got coffee at McDonald's and sat on his porch and talked about everything with Sarah. His recommendation? Cut the cord. Don't let your love for her destroy your life. "Make a decision, own that decision, and remember: it's unbelievable how much a person can 'get over' something."

Sunday. I dreamt Sarah & Joe were dating and in love and she was happy and I was sad and alone. I went to Southwest this morning before working 2-8:00. After work I called Jess Lynn, told her about my dilemma. "Everyone says they know what they'd do in my situation, but when it's YOUR situation, things aren't so clear, because you're personally invested." I called Sarah around 10:00, she's sick with a sore throat, and then got ice cream from U.D.F. Ams is here tonight, has a doctor's appointment tomorrow for her beloved ovarian cyst. Grandma & Tanner are here, too. I'm glad I have my own room.