macchiatos and man-boobs

I worked my first solo shift this morning. We had a pretty hard rush around 7:30, 8:00. Logan told me it's one of the worst rushes he's seen. We had people stretching all the way back to the door and the drive-thru was stretching around the side of the building. I tried my best to keep up, and thought I was failing, but Bethany told me, "You're doing great, keeping the waiting time under three minutes like you're supposed to!" So I guess I did decent. I'll definitely get better as time goes on. I'm not used to their pace nor their system. At the Hilltop we focused on quality, not quantity, but at Starbucks the focus is equally on quality and quantity. I'm not dissing their quality at all, I'm just saying that the Hilltop had time to focus on quality. With the surge of customers constantly coming into the store or going through the drive-thru, paying the minutest attention to every detail is too time-consuming.

I went down to Cincinnati this evening to pick up a twin-sized mattress. Family are coming in for a few days, and so they'll take my bed, per usual, and I don't want to sleep on the air mattress because by morning it's sunk all the way to the ground and I walk half hunched-over due to back pain. The two-hour drive there and back is well worth it. On the way I stopped at Taza Mia, another coffee shop, and Rob hooked me up with a coffee, and I sat down with Isaac (who's in from Vegas) and Rob's wife Mandy. We shared lots of laughs and then I drove down into Cincinnati and hooked up with Jessie. We sat and talked about all sorts of things, and Mykaela joined us, and that was fun. "Please let me know next time you come down so we can hang out!" she exclaimed. I went back to the Lehman House and waited till about 8:00 to avoid rush-hour traffic. Sarah came home as I was leaving, and we talked for a bit. Now I'm considering going to bed, because I am downright exhausted and am getting up at 5:00 tomorrow morning for another morning shift. I have Friday off, which will doubtless be spent with the family and working on my friend's research paper. Saturday I work through the big party, and I have Sunday off.

Oh: Jessie commented on how skinny I look, and she added, "But you need to do something about those man-boobs." Haha. A classic quote. But she's right. In lots of men, fat tends to build up around the nipples, forming what are called "man-boobs." And I have man-boobs. Everyone talks about having special remedies to get rid of them, but those guys are shams. The only way is by losing weight. When you lose weight, your body sheds fat from all over--not just one place. You can't target the legs, or stomach, or chest specifically. The only way to get rid of these man-boobs is by losing weight. And since that's what I'm doing--weigh-in at 154 this morning, only 9 pounds from my goal--I'm not worried about it. Besides, several customers--all girls--have flirted with me. One even exclaimed, "You're cute!" But since she was in high school, I just turned and walked away. Most people I work with thought I was about a sophomore in high school until I informed them I graduated college in December. Sometimes it sucks looking young.

training is complete

Most of my training with Starbucks is finished. At this point I've put in 32 hours or so of training. Tomorrow I work my first "solo shift" (i.e. a shift where I don't have someone shadowing me, though the shadowing lately has been close to nonexistent). I like the job so far, and I knew I would. I loved working at the Hilltop, and though this is a totally different establishment, it still has the same "feel." I'm very thankful for this job. I work tomorrow 6:00-1:00, then Thursday 6:00-noon, I'm off Friday, work till 4:00 Saturday, and off Sunday. The party at the house is Saturday at 1:00, so I'll be missing that, which is sad, but I may be able to catch most of the people I want to see before they leave. Friday I'm writing a paper for my friend (didn't get around to it Saturday). It should be decently interesting. 15-20 pages. A piece of cake.

Life is getting better. I now have a full-time job and a source of income. Within the next couple months I'll have my own place. I've been reconnecting with old friends and am making new ones. I don't think about "her" too often, but sometimes I do. It is something that will just pass, either gradually or all-at-once. Most people say I should totally detach myself from her, but I care too deeply for her to do that. And in so doing, I may be digging my own grave. Call it love--in the most pragmatic sense of the word--or call it foolishness. Maybe the two actually go together?

the dayton days (VIII)

I'm sexy and I know it

Monday. I woke and went for a run in the rain. It felt so good. Breakfast was egg whites with coffee. I started training at Spring Valley. The store manager, Faith, is really nice, and a Christian. "Almost everyone here is Christian," she said. We did tea and coffee tastings, and she taught me how to do a lot. I caught on pretty easily, thanks to my Hilltop experience. Sarah called after work, asked how it went. "Excellent," I said. I spent the evening lounging around the house after a lite dinner. I watched a movie, chatted up some people online, and worked out before bed.

Tuesday. I woke at 7 AM, made coffee, read the Bible, and prayed for a while. I like quiet mornings where such things--coffee, scripture, and prayer--take center stage. Breakfast was two eggs and toast, and then I headed to work. My second day. 9-5. Here was my schedule:

     9-11:00, trained under Wade

     11-2:00, trained under "the coffee Nazi" Asenath

     2-4:00, trained under Abby (an old friend from C.C.U.)

     4-5:00, trained on the register with Bethany.

My feet were pretty sore by the end of it. The girls from Mom's bible study came around 6:00. Around 7:00 Dylan and Tyler joined me at Spring Valley for coffee. Mine was free. Abby went on break, and she sat down and smoked with us. Dylan, Tyler and I went back to the house and played Mario-Kart. After they left, Sarah called, freaking out because she's home alone and heard noises in the kitchen.

Wednesday. I had an informational Starbucks meeting at the Oakwood Store from 3-8:00, but it was cancelled. I called Faith to let her know, and she said she did know, had sent me a text message. But my phone's jank so I didn't get it. I went by the library and rented some movies, took a nap (and dreamt Sarah and I were together, how original), and headed down to Cincinnati to get my social security card from the Lehman House only to discover it was in my wallet the whole time. Awesome. But I did get to see Kyle, and I tackled Sa-Rah outside the dorm. On my way home I went by Hank & Ashlie's, and Chris & Brian were there. Sarah called and we talked for a while.

Thursday. I worked 1-5:00, training under a shift leader named Carly. She seems pretty cool. Apparently Brandy Rae knows her somehow? She trained me on drive-thru. It was kinda hectic at first, but I got it down. It rained all day. I spent the evening relaxing and watching TV. Sarah was supposed to come visit me but cancelled last-minute.

Friday. I slept like a baby all night listening to the rain outsside. I went to Spring Valley to read for a bit (I have a feeling it'll be more of a third place now, since my coffee's always on the house!), and then I headed down to Cincinnati. I picked up Jobst from his apartment, and we went for lunch at The Anchor. I headed back home and took the Prizm to the body shop to get a new rim on a leaking tire, and then I changed out the spare. Jess Lynn was working at my Starbucks, so I headed over there to see her. She was being really flirty, kept looking at my lips. And the first thing she said when I walked in? "OMG, you ARE super skinny!"

Saturday. I spent my morning at work, though I had the day off: grabbed two double shots over ice and sipped it while reading Dallas Willard's "Renovation of the Heart." Mom & I were going to get lunch at China Cottage but that fell through, so we got Subway and watched the movie "Lethal Weapon 3." Tyler came over, and we played Mario-Kart. Dylan joined us, and we went to some pub in Centerville for beers. After that we climbed trees in our yard and got on the roof. "Nostalgia," I told Dad. He just shook his head. Dinner was quesadillas. After everyone left I felt restless, so I drove the quiet and empty streets in the dead of night, thinking about everything with Sarah. I don't want to cut her out of my life. I still hope, albeit foolishly and borderline subconsciously, that she'll change her ways and want me. And so my prayer is that God will annihilate in my heart, in his mercy and grace, any and all romantic and erotic feelings for her.

Sunday. Kyle and I met up for a quick lunch at Bob Evans after his shindig at Northern Hills Christian Church. Last time I preached there was the night after Sarah had sex with Frank. She came up in our conversation. I told Kyle, "Come October of last year, I realized how much I liked her. In November I told her. She didn't like me back. I tried to win her heart, but failed. She started hanging out with Steph, and she began to change. Who she is now is completely different than who she was a year ago. It's nauseating. In late January she brought a boy home from Bar 127 in Hamilton. I couldn't handle it. I got shit-faced and cut myself deeper than ever before. And that very weekend I moved out of the house, returned to Centerville." I told him I'm in the process of rebuilding my life after all that went down with me emotionally before, during, and following Sarah. I'm slowly reconnecting with God and forming friendships. Things are getting better. We parted ways, and after an afternoon spent dicking around the house, I worked 3-6:00 with Asenath at the main register, followed by 6-9:00 with Abby doing DT (Drive-Thru). I think I'll like this job, and I hope to make some friends.

another journal completed

I finished my last journal on Saturday. It ran from December 19, 2009 to March 27, 2010. It covered a LOT of events in my life, the most prominent being my head-over-heels adoration for a girl who doesn't feel the same way towards me, the worst night of my life thus far, and moving back to Centerville.

The journal before that--from October 2009 to December 18, 2009--was pretty much all about me graduating college and liking the girl I hoped to one day be with (it never happened). The third to last journal--from April 2009 to September 2009--included everything from last summer, dating my last girlfriend, and the realization that despite all efforts not to, I was falling for a girl I lived with. The journal before that included most of my last spring semester of college and my liking a girl named Mandy. The journal before that one ran from my internship in Minnesota to the breakup with Karen and the forging of great friendships that continue to this day (John, Jessie, Mandy H.). Yesterday I labeled all of them and stuck them away with the rest of my journals. June 2008 - March 2010 has been squared away. Now I am looking forward, wondering what elations and heartbreaks the next two years will bring. Wondering how much my life will change. And--for once--I have high hopes.

tyler climbs a tree

Work is good. I really enjoy it. I'm gearing up for a lot of awkward full-time shifts this week. It'll be good. In the meantime I am writing a paper for a dear friend (he paid me twenty bucks) and am going to be shifting my writing attention to "A Dream For Us." "Metamorphosis" is on hold. I think I'm actually going to can it. Not because it's bad. It's actually REALLY good. But it's not my style. It's too... not sci-fi, nor fantasy, but I can't think of any better descriptors... for my tastes. "A Dream For Us" was originally going to be part of a zombie serial, but I'm distancing myself from that genre. Time to move on to bigger and better things. And I have some pretty sweet ideas for "A Dream For Us" that do not involve zombies or anything weird like that. We'll see. Here's a picture I took of Tyler climbing a tree on Saturday. I love it:

you are what you do

Jesus said, "You are what you do." (Mark 7.14-23) All of our actions stem from our heart. All of our actions and behaviors are manifestations of who we are. It seems simple, doesn't it? When we do good, our heart is good. When we do evil, our heart is evil. But it's not so simple. When we do evil things, yes, it is a manifestation of an evil heart. But when we do good things, it can be a manifestation of a good OR a bad heart. If we do good things for selfish reasons, those good things come from a bad heart. If we do good things for loving reasons, those actions stem from a good heart.

There is a popular idea that our identity has nothing to do with our actions. You hear this all the time. For instance, someone has a one-night stand. That person is ashamed, and the person softens the shame by saying, "That's not who I really am." Ultimately such reasoning is just self-deception, an attempt to escape the pain of guilt and shame. It is an attempt to look away from the examination of the heart. When we say, "I'm better than that," after doing something bad, we're just deceiving ourselves. Since our actions are manifestations of our heart, then when we do something bad, it shows that our heart is bad. And even though we may say, "I'm better than that," the reality is, we're not. We just don't want to acknowledge that there's something awful and sickening and grotesque about our hearts. And honestly, I'm tired of hearing people who have done bad things try to scrape the guilt off their plate by engaging in self-deception.

And honestly, I'm tired of doing it myself. I've begun examining my heart--as everyone should do. I'm examining my heart from the perspective of my emotions, my thought life, my behavior, my secret and public desires. Getting to the root cause of it all. And I'm finding that my heart is very bad. But I have hope: because God offers to us a new heart with a new spirit. We just need to take it. And to everyone who does bad things and turns their eyes from it, I'm here to tell you, "You're not a good person. But with God's help, you can become a good person." Or at least a better person.

a note to drunkards

"A note to all you drunkards out there: alcohol does not make you do stupid things. It reveals who you really are, stripping away the masks you wear. Don't blame stupid drunken decisions on being drunk. Blame the stupid decisions on the condition of your heart."

Being drunk doesn't make you do stupid things. It removes your inhibitions, making you act solely from your heart. Most of us don't let our hearts shine because of the inhibitions, but alcohol deals with that problem. So if a person gets drunk and hooks up with someone, that means there is an awful case of sinful, sexual desire in that person's heart. If a person gets drunk and starts hitting people, it shows that in their heart they are bitter and abusive. If a person gets drunk and starts a fight, it shows that in their heart they are aggressive. I'm tired of hearing people blame their drunken acts on just being drunk. "I was drunk, it wasn't really me," they say. Umm, no. Being drunk shows who you really are. Ok, The End.

a (brief) visit to cincinnati

Around 8:00 last night my boss reminded me that I needed to bring my passport and social security card into work in order to be put onto the roster. So I went to the fireproof safe and unlocked it and grabbed my passport but--uh oh!--my identification card was nowhere to be found. I searched high and low in the house and in my bedroom and through all my things and couldn't find it. I realized I must have left it down in Cincinnati. So around 8:45 I got into my car and drove down there. I searched through the house and through the few things remaining of mine and couldn't find it. Frustrated I decided it was back in Dayton, and I made the trip for nothing. Kyle called and offered me a paid project, so I went over to his place and picked up some things, and he gave me twenty bucks, and I put it into my wallet and discovered my social security card was nestled between my license and Blockbuster card. Fantastic. But at least I got to hang out with Kyle and I even got to tackle a Thai on the steps leading to the coffee shop. On my way back home I got a text from Ashlie inviting me over, so I went over there and hung out with her and her husband Pat, and Chris and Brian and Allie were there. We had a grand ol' time. It's always good reconnecting with people you haven't seen in a long time.

I just finished working out followed by lunch, and now I'm going to go shower, get dressed, and run off to work. Tonight will probably be spent watching episodes of House. I have tomorrow and Saturday off. I'm hoping a China Cottage trip is in order. Dewenter is usually down for such antics. I'll probably watch lots of tv over the weekend, work out a bunch, and hook up with some people. Amanda, Sarah and Rachel are going clubbing tomorrow night, and Sarah was going to come visit me on Saturday but the UFC fight is that night, so we've postponed--once again--to the weekend of the 9th.

a day at the park

here we go...

Work has been going well. I really enjoy it. All the people are really great, and I enjoy the job. I knew I would: I enjoyed working at the Hilltop, doing coffee and such, interacting with customers and employees, and it's pretty much the same at Starbucks. While it's part of a chain (duh), the establishment itself functions a lot like an independent shop (in my experiences of those). I'm anxious to start doing lattes and cappuccinos. I miss doing them, and I'm pretty sure I'll catch on to Starbucks' recipe pretty easily. And not only do I enjoy my work, I have a job! It's so nice to have a source of income. It's freeing, really, from the trappings of unemployment. Things are looking up. I have a job, I'm making decent money, I have tons of friends, and I'm continuing to lose weight (weigh-in at the beginning of this month was 162, I'm now at 157, but won't be doing an official update until the beginning of April).

This evening Dylan and I are hanging out. Hitting up Starbucks. Ha. It's kinda weird since I work there now, but it was always our gathering-place to discuss theology, philosophy, and to share laughs over coffee. I'm looking forward to it. He may be moving to Seattle. I hope he does. Not that I want him gone. Selfishly, I don't. But it would be an amazing opportunity for him. Tomorrow I am going to a Starbucks Orientation meeting 3-8, then I work Thursday, and after having Friday and Saturday off, I gear it up for lots of back-to-back shifts at the beginning of next week. First paycheck is April 9th, I believe.

I rented some books on post-millennialism from the library. I have been swayed into the post-millennialist camp thanks to my Fall 2009 course in the Book of Daniel. These books come highly recommended, and I'm eager to tear through them. I think post-millennialism will make a great comeback in the next few decades.

the dayton days (VII)

Mandy chowin down on Shepherd Pie

Monday. I spent the afternoon writing at Spring Valley, and then I headed back down to Cincinnati to gather the rest of my things (minus some furniture; we'll get it when Ams & Sarah move out). I took Dad's van so I could stuff it full of boxes. I ended up getting rid of a lot. "Spring Cleaning." Mandy spent the day with me. Sarah came home for a bit. She and Mandy are one somewhat good terms. I saw a letter she wrote to Keith on Jan 18. She told him, "I love you and want to be with you."My heart turned sour, not because she obviously lied to me about her and Keith multiple times, but because I wanted her to be writing those words to me. 

Tuesday. Grandpa & Grandma B. took me out to lunch around noon. Olive Garden. Sarah kept calling me from work, having the shittiest day, it hurt my heart. I did my best to talk her through it. I went to the Centerville Starbucks and drank two cups of French-pressed coffee while working on 36H2. Mom had her high school girls' group, and I ate a granola bar for dinner.

Saint Patrick's Day. I ran a 1/2 mile before lunch and "celebrated" the holiday with dinner at China Cottage with Hank & Ashlie followed by coffee with Dylan. Tomorrow I'm going to a party at Mandy's, and Friday Sarah and I are supposed to hang out.

Thursday. I woke at 8:44 AM exactly. I did a detail clean of the Prizm and headed down to Cincinnati. I tried on my old clothes from Summer 2006 and they fit! And they look good. I'm pretty pumped. When Sarah got home from dinner with Lindsey, I went with her to Kroger and wore my old clothes. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "You're so skinny!" I went to Rob & Mandy's St. Patty's Day party. Mandy and Jessie were shocked at how skinny I looked. "When you're wearing sweatshirts and hoodies, it doesn't show how skinny you are!" Tony, Mandy and I took bourbon shots. Mandy made Shepherd's Pie. Sa-Rah, Amos, and Nate were there, too. Ams & Sarah came by for a bit. Before going back to Dayton, I went back to the Lehman House, and Sarah and I smoked and told stories and shared laghter. We're spending tomorrow evening together, and in the morning I have an interview with Spring Valley Starbucks, my own third place, where Abby works. Wish me luck!

Friday. My interview went well. The store manager, Faith, offered me the job. Full time. She said I was her first choice from the get-go. "I just wanted to make sure you weren't weird," she said. I just laughed. Soon she'll know why. I visited I.G.A. and picked up some boxes, visited Vicki whom I worked with way back in the day, and then I headed down to the Lehman House to pick up a few things I'd left. Jessie came over, and I took shots and we fixed penne pasta for dinner. She left, and Sarah & I made a silly video and watched a good, albeit weird, movie: The 4th Kind. I was home by midnight. I still like her and dream about her a lot. But it will pass, hopefully via another girl and not through more heartbreak. But if history's cyclical, then it'll probably be the latter.

Saturday. I made a French-press and spent the morning researching cheap apartments. Fantasy, of course: even full-time at Spring Valley, I won't have enough to actually get a place. But living with my parents could end up being a sweet gig. Dad & I headed up to Grandpa & Grandma B's in New Carlisle. I played with Cate, Joel and Megan's little girl, and yearned to be a father. And this is odd: I didn't think about having a child with Sarah; no, I thought of Mandy K. Beautiful, godly, genuine, funny, sarcastic, passionate. Man. I haven't thought about her in a LONG time. I really did like her, and I know we would've gotten along great had we dated. Maybe we even would've gotten married? And I slap myself, because in Fall 2007 she wanted to be with me, but I was so downtrodden over losing Courtney that I failed to see this girl 10x better than her. Mandy K. was always wanting to spend time with me, but I just blew her off all the time. I spoiled what could've been FANTASTIC by getting wrapped up in things with Karen. A year ago today, actually, I was head-over-heels for her, and a year ago today I spent all my time with her. But like all my romantic dreams, my dream of romance with Mandy K. never came to fruition. Jess Lynn told me today, "Maybe you will meet someone soon." God, I hope so! And yes, that's a prayer.


Sunday. I ran a 1/2 mile right when I woke up. At church I met Tony, the new youth minister. He's pretty cool. I called Mandy K. this afternoon. She's in South Carolina with her best friend. We talked and it was nice to hear her voice, took me back to simpler times. Dylan and Tyler came over, and we played Mario-Kart and when Ams got here to do laundry, we went thrift-shopping. I got some sweet pants, sandals, and some shirts. We went to Benham's Grove for a while and then to a playground at Stubb's Park. Dewenter came over for a bit. I got really depressed come nightfall, and I went on a lone and rainy drive and just bathed in the disappointment after disappointment characterizing my life. 

one of the few who do

It's almost 1:00 in the morning. I was exhausted earlier today, but I'm feeling pretty wired right now. I start my new job as a Starbucks barista tomorrow. My first shift will be 12:00-6:00, training. Mom asked if I was nervous. "No," I said. "I worked at a coffee shop for 3 1/2 years." There will be differences between Starbucks and the Hilltop, to be sure, but nothing I'm worried about not grasping. Today was pretty good: after church I hung out with Dylan and Tyler. Amanda came down, and she joined Dylan and me for a trip to Benham's Grove to smoke cigars. The cigars I bought were awful, so we smoked some of Dylan's cigarettes instead. We walked around and took lots of pictures, and I'll post some of them on here later. We went to a playground at another park--the one with the amphitheater on Spring Valley--and messed around for a bit. Dewenter came over later in the evening, and we hung out in the living room and just chatted for a while. Once he left, things went downhill.

I got depressed again. I don't think I was cycling, I just made the mistake of observing my life and drawing logical conclusions that were less-than-optimistic. I came to the conclusion that life is just a series of disappointments, one after the other. Mostly this was spawned because of what happened back at the end of January, spawned from the most awful night of my life thus far. I've moved away, but that doesn't make things easier. Some friends have suggested that I take care of the problem with a quick and decisive clean-cut sweep. Hack it off at the neck and refuse to let it breathe. Maybe that is the most logical course of action. But I guess my weakness is that I care too much. I'm one of the few who do.

shirtless boxing (i.e. "i need a life")

and i have a job

I went in for the interview and sat down with a free triple-shot espresso. We started the interview and she asked me all kinds of questions and I answered them well. At the end of the interview she offered me the job. Full-time barista, something right up my alley! I miss making coffee, but I'll soon be revisiting my old hobby. And I'll get to do it A LOT. She said I was her top choice and she wanted to make sure I wasn't weird, which I take to mean "creepy." I am not creepy, albeit slightly weird, and I'm pretty excited to finally have a job. Once I start (after training), I'll make enough to get my own place. There are some pretty cheap apartments in the area, and I've already gotten a call back for a one-bedroom for $429 a month. Not making any leaps here, but definitely thinking ahead.

Now I'm off to New Carlisle to celebrate an early Easter with Dad's side of the family. Good food, good fun, good coffee. Tomorrow I'm going to church, chatting up a few people, and hopefully hanging out with Pat, Dylan, and Tyler. And Monday I start training. Things are looking good.

goodbye Charlene

I'm sitting in the dining room at the Lehman House (a.k.a. "Charlene"). The living room is filled with boxes and soon I will begin the process of moving out all my stuff, except for the large furniture, which we're grabbing at the end of next month. The Lehman House has always treated us well, and I've forged so many great memories here. But all good things come to an end, and all good things are even tainted by not-so-good things. It was in this house that I experienced one of the worst nights of my life (a night that often replays itself in my mind again-and-again, especially at the late hours of night when I dream of it and wake up shaking and sweating). But overall I'm glad to be moving out. I anticipate getting my own place, and I'm in the process of really getting my life together. I've begun nixing bad habits, and I've been replacing them with good habits. I've been focusing on the important things in life, and I am finding more joy and peace. I'm 23 and it's time for me to stop being a boy and to stop being a man. Not quite there yet, but close. Ha. Next step? GET A JOB.

Amanda just walked in. I overheard her talking to one of her friends, and she said, "I know people who go to bars and stuff but only have like one drink, and I don't know why people go to bars and get totally trashed, I mean don't you have anything better to do?" Ha. I agree with her. I have frequented the bar scene (without getting drunk), and it's pathetic to see people stumbling over themselves and hooking up with random strangers. I remember one time I went to a club with some friends, and we were having fun just making fools of ourselves dancing to the music, and this guy--absolutely DRUNK off his ass--came up and grabbed my friend Caitlin and screamed in her ear (and I quote), "I want to FUCK you!" She was repulsed, obviously, and we left, and mocked the drunken fool all the way back home.

down to cincinnati i go

St. Patty's day was pretty good, and I didn't even drink a drop! Pat, Ashlie and I grabbed China Cottage, and then Dylan, Tyler and I hung out for a while. Good times. Tonight I am going down to Cincinnati. Mandy is throwing a post-St. Patty's Day party with lots of Irish food and Irish beer. On Friday I am giving my friend Jobst a ride from Cincinnati to Dayton, which means I'll be spending the night down there tonight. Not sure how I feel about that. Cincinnati doesn't feel like home anymore. The job search continues unsuccessfully. I applied to seven or eight places yesterday, and about five or six the day before. I've called back, but they're not interested. *sigh*

I think I had A.D.D. when it comes to my writing. Why do I say this? Because I jump around between projects like a frog jumping lily-pad to lily-pad. I currently have five books I'm working on: "The Boy Who Hoped", "A Dream For Us," "The Toothless Kiss of Skeletons," "36 Hours: A Tale of the Undead (2nd Edition)," and "Metamorphosis." All of them are totally different from the others. "The Boy Who Hoped" and "A Dream For Us" have the same feel, "The Toothless Kiss of Skeletons" is in its own league altogether, "36 Hours" is just an attempt at me to feel good about my most successful novel, and "Metamorphosis" is a creepy sci-fi/fantasy that is character-driven rather than story-driven (something totally different for me). Today I'll probably work on "36 Hours" and do some scratchings for "Metamorphosis" before making the trip down to Cincinnati.

I talked my dad into letting me take his monstrosity of a van down to Cincinnati so I can finish packing up my things (I'll leave behind, though, my bed and bookshelves, but that's about it). Now I must run around and see if I can't find some boxes. I have a LOT of crap to bring home, but I'll probably be tossing most of it into the trash. "Spring Cleaning" if you will. And it certainly feels like spring.

i am tired

I am tired of having no money and nothing to do. The most obvious solution is to get a job. And being a common-sense person, I've tried to do so. I filled out applications and shot out resumes to about 90 places in Cincinnati. Around 40 here in Dayton. I've gone on lots of interviews. The problem is that there are so many unemployed around here that wherever I apply, there are people with more experience applying for the same job. And thus my only option may be to work at some retail center. Which I don't want to do, because those jobs don't pay the bills. I've applied to coffee shops around the area; hopefully my experience can land me a temporary job until I find something full-time where I can actually pay my bills, save up money, and get my own place. I feel stuck in unemployment and I hate it. I need something to do.

Today I went down to Cincinnati and packed up half my things. I'll take care of the second half within the next week or two. It was good seeing Amanda, Mandy, and Sarah. Tomorrow I am going to a job fair, and then my grandparents from my dad's side are taking me out to eat for lunch. I'm thinking Olive Garden. I've been craving their salad and bread sticks since the last venture there, and I want to try their portobella-stuffed ravioli. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday will most likely be spent looking for jobs. An exciting week lies ahead of me...

the dayton days (VI)

My 23rd Birthday. (And Jessie's 20th) We woke at 6:30 AM and drove an hour north to board a train into Chicago. We grabbed our hotel room on Lakeshore and had lunch at a hole-in-the-wall burger joint with lousy service. "Do you guys have any specials that would bring this $8 sandwich down to, say, $6?" Our next stop was Navy Pier. We rode the Ferris wheel and Mandy cried: she hates heights. We browsed the shops and got dinner at a pizza joint with "authentic Chicago deep-dish." We visited the Sears (wait, no, Willis) Tower and tried to visit some famous fountain, but it was turned off. Tony and I peed in it. A heavy fog drenched everything, it was beautiful in the streetlights. Before bed we hit up the Whiskey Bar atop our hotel and Tony bought me a shot of bourbon for my birthday.

Tuesday. Breakfast was McDonald's. We boarded the subway and went to the Planetarium before jumping back onto the train ride home. At the planetarium I somehow got cut off from the others, and in trying to rejoin them exited the museum. I headed back inside and a kid at security was like, "You need a pass..." and I said, "No, but thanks," and just kept going. He just watched me walk away with his jaw dropped. Back in Mahomet we ate dinner with Jessie's mom at a Mexican restaurant. Jessie and I got free fried ice cream for our birthdays. Rob, Mandy, Tony and I headed back to Cincinnati, rolling in around 2:30 AM. I ran by the Lehman House to get my things and ran into Sarah. I got home around 4 AM and promptly passed out. Such a great birthday weekend.

Wednesday. I spent the morning editing photos from the past weekend, and come noon I went to Spring Valley for my double-shot with cream over ice and read yet another book on Hemingway's writing techniques. The water's beautiful, warm and sunny. Ams came up, and we went out for my birthday dinner at Olive Garden. Best salad and bread-sticks. I stuffed myself with mushrooms and a glass of wine. Ams and Sarah found an apartment, and they're checking it out Saturday. Sarah's planning a surprise birthday party for Ams. Ams and Chris are "just friends," officially no longer together, and everyone likes it better that way. "Chris is a cock," Rob said. Ams went back to Cincinnati, and I watched the movie Star Trek before bed.

Thursday. I woke and went for a cold run through the subdivision across the street. It's a start. I did some more work on 36H2, it's becoming a chore now. I want to get the revision out of the way. Ams called, freaking out: they're apartment hunting, and Sarah just admitted she has NO money saved up whatsoever and will need Ams to front her that money. Ams is quite pissed. I called Sarah around 5:00, and she was in tears over the financial woes. I joined Dylan at his house church. We sat out on the front porch back home afterwards--"Front Porch Times," we call them. It's been so nice out lately. I called Jess Lynn before bed. She admitted she thinks I'm cute. I knew it!

Friday. I dreamt Sarah and I were making out, and we stripped off our clothes and she gave me a BJ as I fingered her. And then the dream changed, and I was watching as Billy replaced me, and she enjoyed the fooling around so much more with him. I woke up shaking, almost crying, and I could hardly fall back asleep. The memories are supposed to fade, but they seem to grow sharper and sharper. And as bad as it is, I'm GLAD Billy used her, and I'm GLAD she got hurt. And it's weird because I still like her, even love her. But love can be such a toxic thing. It's like oxygen: it's a poison while it also keeps us alive. All the world's pain is centered around the abuse, misuse, loss, or absence of love. And all the world's greatest joys have love at their center. I spent the day looking for jobs. Tyler quit his job, got a new one with a landscaping company, so he got the rest of the day off and came over. We hung out for a while, and Dylan joined us after work. We ate dinner at Jimmy John's and then hit up a hookah bar here in town. We went to Blockbuster and rented Law Abiding Citizen. At the movie store I made weird noises and a group of high school girls started imitating me. Tyler joined in. It lasted a hot minute. Dylan moaned, "Guys, we're out of college." On our way out of the lot I ran over two medians. A big storm rolled through and we played dance music in the car. After the movie we sat on the front porch and talked and they left and I did some more writing. 

Saturday. Jess Lynn called me today, and we talked for a while. I joked about us ending up married. "You never know!" she chimed. I took a nap and dreamt Sarah and I were cuddling and she kissed me sweetly on the forehead. I thought about going to Cincinnati tonight to get drunk in honor of Julie and Tim, but no one was available. (Recap: Tim & Julie got married today. I remember being awfully depressed, even suicidal, after she left me. To escape my pain I dated Jess Lynn, but I didn't get over Julie until Courtney came along. I dreaded the day Tim & Julie got married, and I knew it would be hell. Now I don't give a damn, it's just an off-the-cuff reason to get drunk. One day Sarah will marry and I won't care. History is cyclical with both the good AND the bad.) I ended up going down to Cincinnati anyways, and Mandy and I got bubble tea in Clifton. Aunt Teri was passing through the area so we met up with her at the CVS on Vine. I led her to the Lehman House. Mom, Ams and Sarah got back from apartment hunting. Mom & our landlord got into a fight over the phone regarding the lease, and then all of us--Mom, Aunt Teri, Ams, Mandy, Sarah and I--ate dinner at the Chinese Buffet on Glenway. Mom & Aunt Teri headed back to Dayton. Mandy & I joined Gambill and Sa-Rah at the Bloc Coffee Shop, and Rob was there, too. I picked up Sarah from Cadillac Ranch downtown. She was there for a get-together with Steph, but hated because it was packed, her two friends were trashed, and everyone ignored her. Her night got better, though: we went to the house and smoked cigarettes, and I made her laugh so hard her stomach hurt. 

Amanda's 21st Birthday. I didn't get home until 4 AM last night thanks to Daylight Savings Time. It rained the whole way home and a thick fog covered everything. Church this morning followed by a workout. Ams came into town, and we went to The Pub for her birthday dinner. Lots of laughter and great food. She returned to Cincinnati, and I did lots of revisions on 36H2. I went to Spring Valley for coffee and the barista begged me to work there. "Fill out an application!" Ha. My whole body was sore from working out so I took some sleeping pills and was passed out by 10:00.

amanda's 21st

Last night was a mix of good and bad. I was in a bad mood most of the day. I went down to Cincinnati to see some friends, and that made it better. Mandy and I grabbed some bubble tea in Clifton. My mom and aunt came down to the Lehman House, and all of us went out to eat. Mom, Aunt Teri, Amanda, Sarah, Mandy and I enjoyed delicious Chinese from the buffet fifteen minutes down the street. Later in the evening I went to the Bloc coffee shop with Mandy, John, and Faikham, and then John and I went over to Rob's for coffee. I didn't get home till about 4:00 a.m. last night (thanks to Daylight Savings Time). Before leaving I visited with Amanda and Sarah, and we shared lots of laughs and Sarah was laughing so hard that her stomach hurt. I didn't want to spend the night in Cincinnati because 1. it's not my home anymore (Centerville feels like home) and 2. I wanted to go to church this morning. Church didn't work out, however, because my cell phone died in the middle of the night. My alarm clock is on my cell phone, and so it didn't go off. I realized this when I woke up at 12:44 this afternoon. Oh: one of my ex-girlfriends, Julie, got married yesterday to an old friend, Tim. I heard it was a good wedding and I wish the best to both of them.

Today is Amanda's birthday. She came up and we went to The Pub to celebrate her 21st. I had fish & chips and a shot of "birthday cake" liquor. It was supposed to taste like birthday cake but it didn't. I think they may have made it wrong, because it tasted just like diluted tequila. Amanda is heading back to Cincinnati soon, and I'm going to clean out my car and write for a little bit. Probably an early bedtime. Tomorrow I'm going BACK to Cincinnati to box up everything I left down there when I moved home. I'll get to see several friends, which I'm pretty excited about; and getting everything out of there will be another burden off my chest.

the first storm of 2010

A fantastic storm rolled through this evening. Hammering rain, incessant lightning and thunder--the kind of thunder that you can feel in your bones. I used to be terrified of storms, but I overcame that fear by lying in a hammock during a severe thunderstorm. I was mortified for the first ten minutes, but I became entranced by the dancing lightning and the melodious thunder. A sonnet of nature. A beautiful song. Whenever I am woken up by a storm, I open my window (never-mind rain getting inside) and fall asleep to the sounds and the flashes of light. Sure, we've had several storms so far this year. And they've been awful storms. But they've been boring, because they were snowstorms. I always find it ironic that a severe snowstorm can be so quiet and tranquil and peaceful. All synonyms for boring. But this storm tonight... Marvelous! I hope we get some more. I really do.

until then it is hell

Sometime in the beginning of February I wrote:

Life without love is empty. Meaningless. Hopeless... Ad even if I were rich and handsome and popular and famous, I would give it all up just for love. Just to hold a woman's hand and see her not repel. To look into her eyes with passion and desire and to see that passion and desire returned. To be vulnerable and shaking and to have her accept that. In the end, being vulnerable and being loved is what I truly want.

It's been over a month since what I have dubbed "the worst night of my life." It's been over a month--nearly a month and a half--since I moved away from her. We're still great friends, and I think about her often. Dylan asked me last night as we sat out on the front porch in the cool night, "Do you still love her?" I don't know if I ever "loved" her. "Love" is such a misused word. And to be honest, I don't really know how to define it. But, as long as I'm being honest, let me just say that I have never felt for someone so deeply, cared for someone so richly, and wanted to be with some so passionately, as I do with her. Maybe that's love. It's not infatuation. I've known her for many years, and we've fought and gotten mad at each other, and there are things about her I don't like just as there are things about me she doesn't like. But with all of her faults (which are no more faulty than mine), I still want her. I don't want her repackaged, updated, remodeled with all the "faults" eliminated. I want her, holistically her. I want all of her, the things I adore and the things that bother me to the core. I want her with no strings attached.

I dreamed about her last night. The most vivid dream I've had of her since I've known her. In this dream we were together and happy, and then the dream changed, and I was watching as I was replaced with the boy from that awful night, and she was in his arms and they were together and she was happier than she had been when I was with her and holding her. I woke up sweating and nearly cried. It was worse than those awful night-terrors that have been accosting me lately. I got up, walked around, drank a glass of milk, ate a cookie, tried to forget the dream. The dream did fade, but it was replaced by the memories of that night. Memories are supposed to fade, they say, but it seems that as time passes, the memories become more acute and detailed.

Maybe I do love her. But love is such a toxic thing. It's like oxygen: it's a poison but at the same time it sustains--breathes--life. All the world's pain is centered around the abuse, misuse, and loss of love. And all the world's greatest joys have at their center the fruition, realization, and embracing of love. I am not a fool, and I do not cling to any foolish hopes. At least not consciously. I know she'll never see me like her, no matter how much I change myself in order to be appealing. I know that she doesn't experience the chemistry with me that I experience with her. And I know that one day my love for her--if that is what it is--will grow to a platonic love. And I'll love someone else as I have loved her, and maybe that woman will love me as I have loved her. But until then it is Hell.

Chicago Report

Chicago was amazing. We were only there for about a total of 24 hours, but we did a LOT. On Monday (also my birthday, and also Jessie's birthday) we walked around downtown for several hours, visiting shops and cafes. We hit up an amazing coffee bar, and then we trolled around Navy Pier and rode the famous Ferris wheel. That night we visited the Sears (err, Willis) Tower, and then we grabbed dinner at an authentic Chicago pizza joint. Late into the night we walked the empty streets with the lamp-lights burning through the heavy fog. We walked through a park and the trees were shrouded in mist and it was quite creepy. On Tuesday we went to the Planetarium and were going to go to China Town but ran out of time. I took lots of good pictures, but my favorite is one taken at The Chicago Bean. It's right here:

Now that I'm back home, I will continue the job search and continue losing weight. The weather is sunny and beautiful and I hope it stays but I doubt it will. I'm going to listen to some Owl City and work out and then eat dinner with my family--Olive Garden, probably, though Jimmy John's is in the running--and even see my little sister. Jess Lynn is calling me tonight and that will be good. I always enjoy talking to her. Oh: all the pictures I took are on the right side-bar of my blog, at the bottom. It's a slide-show. Check it out if you care.

the dayton days (V)

Monday. Aunt Teri, Grandma and I got breakfast buffet at Frisch's before they headed back to Kentucky. Grandpa M. found out Ams is dating a black guy and said he was disowning her. It's laughable. Sorry, Grandpa, but she's a few steps ahead of you. I showered and met Joe at the Spring Valley Starbucks. We talked theology, job hunting, our lives. I have a meeting with Roger on Wednesday, about me possibly teaching a small group on Romans, just like I did in Minnesota. Mom, Dad and I ate dinner, and I went to Wal-Mart. I have a job interview Thursday for a position at Woodland Cemetery in Dayton.

Tuesday. I went to Spring Valley for two shots of espresso and to read for a bit. Sarah, Ams and I had a conference call. Dinner was rice, chicken and vegetables. I worked out before Mom's High School Girl's bible study. Those two are in no way connected. Dylan and I met up at Spring Valley and he told some hilarious stories.

Wednesday. I did some reading at Starbucks ("Renovation of the Heart" by Dallas Willard), and then I called Jessie and we talked for a bit. Sarah called, said we needed to do one of our infamous videos soon. I met up with Roger at the church office. The Romans bible study is looking 50/50. It was good talking theology with someone knowledgeable. Eggs and toast for dinner. Maria G. thinks I'm cute. I knew her from my days at C.C.U. She's cute, too. It's nice that girls think I'm cute now. On that note, there's a young girl at DLM who's constantly flirting with me. Short, blond hair, super cute, but I'm not sure if she's in high school or not, so that's a no-go.

Thursday. I headed up to downtown Dayton, all dressed up in a suit, for my interview at Woodland Cemetery. I think I was way overdressed. But I looked GOOD in that suit. The interview went well. The job would be selling grave. I met up with Dad for lunch at Jimmy John's and coffee from Starbucks. Jessie called and invited me to go with her, Tony, Rob & Mandy to Chicago Saturday through Thursday. "We'll pay for you! It'll be your birthday present!" I went to the school to talk to Mom about it. She's gonna give me $30-40 to pay for food and such. I called Jessie and told her, and she freaked out. So did Mandy, when she found out. So I'll be chilling with friends in southern Illinois Sunday night and spending Monday and Tuesday in Chicago. Mom came home around 6:00 and we had chicken, rice, and veggies for dinner. I went to Spring Valley and read 1 Peter 1. Jess Lynn called, said she at the Centerville Kroger, so I was there in no time. She was hungry, so we went and got Chinese. I just got a zombie alcoholic drink. She's lost a LOT of weight, is absolutely adorable. She gave me a list in a guy. I fit the bill, except for smoking. "You can't date me, then!" I exclaimed. She just laughed. She invited me to see "Alice in Wonderland" with her friends Sunshine & Andrew, and we did, and that was a blast.

Friday. Jess Lynn came over for a bit, and I made coffee and we talked. She was really tired. It looked like she wanted to cuddle, but I just shrugged it off. I wanted to cuddle and kiss, too, but knew it was a bad idea. She left, and later in the day Mandy, Jessie & Tony came up. We went to the Air Force Museum at Wright-Pat Air Force Base. We couldn't stay long, because it closed at 5:00. Mandy and I were cracking our shit up, laughing to the point of tears, curled up on the ground in the hangar underneath the wings of WW2 fighter planes. Also, I fell out of the cockpit of an F16. Mandy almost killed us by pulling in front of a dump truck, but I averted our deaths in a panic that made her scream. "I'm sorry," I snapped, "but I thought you were going to kill us, and I reacted accordingly!" Dylan, Tyler and I hung out for a little bit at Spring Valley. Oh: I won a gym membership I applied for in a drawing a few weeks ago!

Saturday. I went to see about the gym membership. Essentially it's a $400 membership offered for $33 a month. I grabbed lunch with Dewenter and his dad at China Cottage. His dad paid, and we talked about my unsuccessful job hunting. It's been nearly two months without a source of income, and I hate it. I packed my bags and headed down to Cincinnati. Amos and I went to The Anchor for dinner and smoked our pipes. I went back down to the Lehman House and all the windows were open because it's so nice out. I saw Ashley M. and talked with her for a bit. Sarah got home from Wilmington around 8:00 with her little cousin Rebekah. Sarah looked absolutely beautiful, even though she was griping about how "fat" she felt. I went to Mandy's, and we went to Tony's, and then the four of us--Rob, Mandy, Tony and I--went to Mahomet, Illinois. I took NyQuil and slept most of the way there. We got into Illinois around 2:30 AM our time.

Sunday. We all got up around 8:00 and had pancakes, eggs, toast, and cereal for breakfast. Pretty damn tasty. We went to downtown Champagne, visiting antique shops and hitting up the local cafe for tea and coffee. We went to Jessie's dad's house, met her step-mom and half-sisters, Journey & Jade. Her step-mom Julie made a delicious country meal ("They're goat-herders!") and we played some board-games. After the meal I lounged out in the chair like a sex god. Jessie's best friend Rae, who's dating Jessie's brother Jake, came back to Jessie's house with us.

The Anchor

Out of all the great places in Cincinnati, The Anchor is the best. It's been a popular date-spot for all my exes, minus two. The atmosphere, ambiance, and especially the food make it, in my opinion, the best diner in all of Cincinnati (although it's actually in Covington, KY, right across the river). I came down this afternoon after grabbing Chinese with Dewenter and his father, Doug, whom I haven't seen in about five years (good times). I called Amos and we hit up The Anchor with our pipes. It's the first time I've broken out my pipe since he and I smoked it together a few weeks ago. I look classy:

I'm sitting in the dining room at my old place, what I call "The Lehman House" as opposed to my current residence, "The Dayton House." All the windows are open and the house is a mess, which I find funny because Amanda always blamed the messiness on me, and I haven't lived here for over a month. But I like the windows being open because it's so nice outside and the breeze is delicate yet stiff, and it's nice to hear the birds singing again. Usually Ohio has a brief "hiatus" from winter in the beginning of March which is quickly replaced by a blizzard of sorts and schools and businesses end up closing their doors.

I'm going to use this three-day "vacation" to jump-start my non-smoking activities. I'm not taking any cigarettes nor buying any. I'll be around people who don't smoke so I won't be tempted to bum one off them. I really want to get in shape. I mean, I'm already heading in that direction. But I want to make a yet-to-be-realized radical life-change. I want to be healthy, wealthy, and wise. But I'll settle for just one of those.

ups and downs

Today was a day of ups and downs. On the up-side, I got to spend great time with great friends and I actually saved the lives of four people (including my own) at approximately 3:27 PM Eastern Standard Time. On the downside, I almost fell out of the cockpit of an F-16. Here is a picture of me in the F-16 prior to my close-call:

Tomorrow I am going to pick up a gym membership I apparently won at a place here in town. I saw a movie at the theater with Dewenter and when he was in the bathroom I entered into a drawing to pass the time. Totally won. And then I'm opening a bank account, and then heading down to Cincinnati. Late tomorrow night we're going to Jessie's house in Illinois, staying there Sunday, and Monday through Tuesday we'll be in Chicago. Not sure what we're going to be doing while we're there, but it's a nice hiatus from my boring life. And I'll be getting to spend it with some of the best friends a guy could ask for.

i'm going to chicago!

I had an interview this morning for a sales position within the "family services" balloon at Woodland Cemetery (the Wright Brothers are buried there, and it's in the top five most historic cemeteries in the country). If I got the job, I would basically be selling graves. I really want this job, and they said they'd call me next week if they want a second interview. After the interview I joined my dad (who works near the cemetery) for lunch at Jimmy John's. It was great. I haven't eaten at Jimmy John's since I was in Minnesota in the summer of 2008. They're tuna sandwich is to die for. Afterward we grabbed coffee at Starbucks (Dad got the Pike Place, and I got a tall americano with four shots of espresso).

My birthday is Monday--big ol' 23--and I'm going to be spending it with Jessie, who is turning 20 or 21 on that day, in Chicago. I can't afford it, so Jessie and the gang (Tony, Rob, and Mandy) are pitching in to pay my way. Saturday evening I'll go down to Cincinnati to see Ams, Sarah, and Sarah's little cousin Rebekah, and then Saturday night I'm hooking up with Rob, Mandy, and Tony, and we're driving to Jessie's house in Illinois. We'll spend Sunday at her place, eating good food and riding four-wheelers, and Monday morning we're catching a train to Chicago, spending the night there, and returning sometime Tuesday. I'm definitely looking forward to it. It'll be great spending time with all those guys, not to mention grasping at photo-taking opportunities (it's so nice having my camera fixed).

I weighed-in at 160 this morning. Hopefully by this time next week I'll be in the 150s. I'm sticking to only 1400 calories a day, and at my current activity level and weight, I need ballpark 2400 to remain where I'm at. So each day I'm shaving approximately 1000 calories from my body. 2000 calories are in a pound, so theoretically I should be losing a pound every two days. Not sure how realistic that theory is, but it's what I'm sticking to. At 160, I have lost 35 pounds and have 20 to go until I reach my 140# goal. And once the temperatures rise, I'm going to start running again. That'll be great.

"monthy" weigh-in #3

This should actually be the fifth weigh-in (last monthly weigh-in was in December), but thanks to actually gaining weight in December and my camera being broken in both January and February, this is the third weigh-in. I have continued doing my normal diet and exercise (minus two weeks in December). In December I was at 170, and in January I was back at 174, but now I'm on the move again at 162.

My goal is to be at around 140 pounds. That was how much I weighed when I started at C.C.U. in 2005. I maintained that weight till the spring of 2006, held solid at around 155 till about October, and from October to January I went up to 170 pounds. I held steady at 175 for about half a year and then skyrocketed to 195 pounds. I was around 195 pounds for a year, and now I'm trying to get back down to 140. So I only have 22 pounds to go, and I've lost 33. Well over halfway there.

I'm continuing to do strength training, though my cardiovascular workouts have been non-existent for the past several weeks (thanks to the bitterly cold weather and the snow up to our knees). The snow is melting and I hope to get out on the bike or out in my tennis shoes and hit the pavement. I used to run two miles a day (a challenging feat for me now), and I want to get back in that groove.

Right now my aim is to be at 150 pounds by April Fool's Day. So I have about a month to get there and twelve pounds to lose. That's three pounds a week. Which means I should be at about 159 by Sunday, 156 by the next Sunday, 153 the third Sunday, and around 150 April 1st. Let's see if I can't kick things in gear.

first post of march '10

I finished my thirteen-page essay on what it means to love God. Once I edit it, I'll put it on scribd and link it on here. I have been thinking a lot lately about three things.

First, "What does it mean to love other people?"
Second, "What does spiritual reformation really look like and how does it happen?"
And third: Post-millennialism. I'm leaning towards it currently.

My aunt and grandma headed back to Kentucky today. I've gained four pounds over the weekend, thanks to lots of party food. Time to kick my butt back in gear. I want to be at 162 by Friday. Shouldn't be a problem.

I finished another chapter in the "36 Hours: A Tale of the Undead" revision. The third and final part of the main story is a real hassle.

Maebe is the fattest hamster anyone has seen. I'm putting her on a diet and exercise regimen.

I'm reading Dallas Willard's "Renovation of the Heart" (again). Phenomenal.

Mom and I are going to Wal-Mart this evening. How exciting. My doctor and I are getting Starbucks in an hour. I'm meeting with my pastor on Wednesday to talk about some things. It should be good. Jess Lynn may be in town this week. If so, it'd be great to see her. Tyler and I may hang out this evening. Dewenter and I usually just hang out on the weekends. I want to see Hank and Ashlie again sometime this week. It needs to happen. Chris called wanting to hang out. Definitely need to jump on that.

Sadly, I probably won't be in Cincinnati till April unless I'm running errands. (I left my diploma there on accident) But when I do go back, I've got tons of people to see: Jessie, Mandy, Rob, Tony, Amos, Gambill, the list goes on and on.

Mandy C. and Ashley are having their wedding showers here on April 3rd. Lots of great people will be here, including my cousins. This wedding shower is non-traditional. Guys will be there, too.

My birthday is this week. Mom and Dad are treating me to a dinner of my choice. Red Lobster? Olive Garden? Hmmm. Probably Olive Garden. Their seafood portofino--not to mention salad and breadsticks--is to die for. My birthday gift this year is money. Which I need a lot of. My birthday is also Jessie's birthday. Maybe I'll spend my birthday money celebrating her birthday. That sounds smart.

I have an interview Thursday at a cemetery in Dayton.

Maebe is in her ball and stuck under my bed.
I have to fetch her.
Goodbye for now.