i look forward to that night

It is cold and quiet and I'm tired but can't sleep. Paranoia and loneliness consume me. At work I spent about an hour washing dishes, and in the back room I had time to contemplate my current state. My washing became more and more erratic and dysfunctional as my mind took control. I am doing all within my power to make my situation better, to rebuild. But the blows keep coming. Oh well. 'Tis life. I'll keep moving forward (or at least continue in my efforts to do so). The lyrics of a very good song by Deathcab for Cutie ring in my head:

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
and every time tears roll down your cheeks.
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've
yet to meet: someday you will be loved
like you never have known.
The memories of me will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs, like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.

I know a day will come when "the memories of [her] are more like bad dreams." I've written in earlier posts that life is cyclical, and that my life has been an unending cycle (thus far) of disappointment preceded by and also followed by disappointment. Yet the cycle also involves me "getting over" the girls. I never thought I would get over Julie, and my dreams were haunted by her future wedding day. When the wedding came, I didn't think about it until someone told me; and my response? "Oh, that was today?" The same held true with Courtney. Even though she was married an eighth of a mile from my house, I slept peacefully that night even though it had been a day I would dread. And this? I have my good moments and my bad moments. But I am slowly getting over her. Things don't bother me as much as they used to. And I know one day I'll forget what it was like to like her. I'll forget the hell she put me through. And someone will say her name and I'll have to think for a moment before realizing who they're talking about. I look forward to that day.