How could I have missed this?

I really enjoy public speaking as long as I'm there willingly (giving speeches and reports at school that I'm not really excited about, that sucks). I have spoken once to about fifty people on the subject of friendship, depression and God, and I've led many "Sunday Schools'" even though I am only seventeen (who said age means anything?). One of my dreams, as you know, is to start a church. Another dream I have is to be a public speaker whose messages really touch people and push them to love God and love others more. Basically a more relevant, remix Billy Graham, maybe somewhere along the lines of Louie Giglio.

One of the greatest fears - as well as concerns - I've had to deal with is "will people listen?" I have been fearful of people just falling asleep, not listening, letting their minds wander. I've dealt with the question, "Will they listen? Will it be interesting?" I've been through enough four-point, explain-the-Scripture lessons/messages - in the student's chair as well as behind the podium - to know they aren't always the best. Heck, let's admit it. They are boring, dry, most often lifeless. In my humble opinion.

I have been reading the Gospels, right now Matthew, and I find that Jesus doesn't have any four-point messages. Anywhere. His messages are filled with analogies, comparisons, metaphors, and mostly stories. How could I have missed this? Jesus never gives a four-point message, so why do we? Jesus doesn't just explain Scripture; he lives it out and speaks about it through stories. Why do so many four-point messages get saturated in small stories? Because the stories are like candy through a boring movie. It keeps you awake.

My question, then, is why don't we do away with the four-point messages, the let's-talk-about-John-3:16, and just start telling stories. Speaking from the pulpit about life experiences, stories we've heard, fables and fiction, and like Jesus did, interweave it with eternal truths, new lights on difficult subjects, and a passion to go out and just live with God?

How could I have missed this?

How could we have missed this?

It's over. I am very thankful. Christmas is fun and all, but I can really only take so many countless days of Christmas music. I wager I'll be spending the next few days of my vacation working and spending good, laughing, high-quality time with my friends. Life is sliding back to normalcy, and oh! how wonderful that is.

Christmas Memories 2004

This Christmas was very exciting. Delicious food, exciting Texas Hold 'em, and finally I've gotten a zippo. It is very nice. I also have some money to buy the two Dallas Willard books I haven't yet got, "The Divine Conspiracy" and "Renovation of the Heart."

As Jared and I were driving through the cold streets of Lexington, I reminisced how Pat, Chris and I did a spin and slammed into a curb a week ago. We were all ashen and petrified; it was complete silence as the Jeep swung around and bashed backwards into the curb, right next to Flavor's Eatery in Olde Springboro.

It was here in Lexington, when I had just gotten my permit (it was, I believe, this time of year, probably January sometime) and I was driving through the streets with my Aunt Teri. I didn't know about defrost (yeah, that was dumb) and I figured, "I'll wait it out... We're almost there." Aunt Teri didn't notice. I stopped at a stop sign before turning left at a four-lane road. I couldn't see, but I said, "Hope they're defrost is working, because mine's not. Hopefully they'll stop... But it's nighttime, so there shouldn't be too many cars..." I swerved onto the road, seeing only frost on the windshield, and turned left. Everything was cool. Aunt Teri started harassing me about the idiocy when twin headlights flashed in the windshield. Aunt Teri screamed, "You're going the wrong way! Turn around!" I hit the brakes, threw it in reverse, tried to turn, but I reversed right onto the median. It was hectic driving to turn and get in the right lane before we got smashed. Then on our way into the subdivision, I ramped the median and almost flew into the trees. Boy, what fun. The good old days :-).

Aunt Teri always bought her stuff from the shopping network. I got a paper clip and a cloth tool set last year. My cousins, in college, got pots and pans, a bunt bread maker, and a pot warmer. Such deals, Aunt Teri said. She's awesome.

When I was little, my mom's side of the family got together and started exchanging presents. Uncle Bill and my dad had hid mine as a joke. Grandpa said, "Everyone got theirs?" Everyone looked around and said, "Yes!" I started crying. I think it might have scarred me, as I am very afraid of rejection nowadays :-). It was a very devastating experience. But if it wasn't me, it would've been funny.

My friends in Springboro are bathed in thirteen inches of snow. Doug is celebrating Christmas on the sandy beaches of Florida. And I'm here in Kentucky this brilliant Christmas morning, where I can see the grass, but everything else is covered in ice. The sun shines over the woodlands, sparkling over every tree branch in an angelic snare of ice, it's like looking at a picture from Heaven. It's so beautiful.

I wish everyone a merry Christmas. May you enjoy your Christmas as much as I, spending fun time with family and friends.

Doogie and I have been spending a lot of time together. He sleeps in my bed with me at night, and he eats his bones with me in my room. We got a little bored of the house so we went outside. He kept tripping in the snow and he got so cold he refused to move, just kept shaking his little paws and bobbing his head, so I dragged him on inside.

I've had a lot of time to just sit down, relax, and contemplate. Some of my contemplating today took a tour de force into a two hour power snooze. But that's beside the point. I've always considered myself a very contemplative guy. No matter where I am or what I'm doing my mind is always spinning complex webs of ideas and theories and conversations with myself. That last part might be a little too weird for blog. A lot of the contemplating has turned to the wide and mysterious realm of what does it really mean to follow Jesus?

So many people have different views on what this really means. I have been exploring this over the last few months, really, through reading books, the Bible, worship and prayer, and conversations with friends who have a lot of ideas and advice on this subject, such as Jeff, Mike and Doug.

I am reading a book called Following Jesus, and am reading the book of Matthew, with lots of emphasis on the Sermon on the Mount. I hope to discover what following Jesus is really all about, and live it out at home, work, at school, with friends and strangers.

Christmas 2004... 3 days early

Twelve inches, I think, fell all over our town last night, and everywhere else as well. It is really very beautiful. When I woke up, it was just a flurry or two, but by eleven o'clock, the roads were a mess and the snow just kept coming. A friend of mine drove to Northmont and it took him three hours; he was freaked because he kept seeing cars going off the road. Driving, in other words, is fun in this wild weather.

I spent most of the day at Chris and Lee's, and Pat D. was there. We watched the Russel Crowe movie, Master and Commander, ate Smart-Pop popcorn for lunch, and when we went outside for a snow fight, Pat D. grabbed a shovel and was throwing snow in my face over and over. Chris and Lee did the same with snowballs, and I went insane on Lee, driving him into the sidewalk. He rose kicking and another shovel-full of snow blasted me in the face so I ran inside. We finished it off with Perfect Dark.

Dad fixed spaghetti and garlic bread for our Christmas feast. We celebrated Christmas tonight because our next few days are crowded, and we'll be out of town Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am very happy about two new Message bibles I got, a Rome strategy guide (hehe), and even a dinosaur lamp :-). One thing I really wanted but didn't get is wireless internet for my room. Dad kept telling me he was giving it to me for Christmas but it wasn't there. I was really excited about it. Oh well.

It's still snowing.

Dylan came over after school. We ate chicken and rice soup for supper, and he polished his off with a bowl of ice cream. He and Ams commenced to hurl hair gel in my hair, and I got back at them. Amanda was shrieking and Dylan was hacking in the bathroom. Such good times. I love those guys.

Dad made a joke, "Let's open a gift tonight," and since it was the fourth time he said it, we had vowed he'd have to honor it. Mom was just shaking her head, and Ams said, "But you promised! Next time he said it we were supposed to open presents!" I added, "Your steely resolve is falling apart. I can't trust anything you say anymore." She succumbed after those words, and I was muching a Christmas tree of Ferrero Rochers before Mike Box swung by.

Mike and I went to Starbucks, drinking coffee and talking about God, postmodernism, modernism, college and life. He is in the process of writing a possible book, and it sounds really interesting. For you bloggers who've been into his blog, you know he's been considering this for some time now. He has connections to push it through and get it "out there," and it would be so awesome if he were to accomplish this. So we shared laughs and stories and insights and discoveries in our journeys, and he is letting me borrow some very interesting books that I plan to dive into over Christmas Break (it is here! Hallelujah! Yes!).

I hope you all enjoy the new picture on the sidebar. The candles were nice, but I tried to add some festive Christmas cheer. It's Doogie. I hope you like him. He's my little Eisenhower.

The A Beautiful Mind theme is playing over and over in my head. Awesome movie. True story.

I've been reading the Sermon on the Mount in the Gospel of Matthew, and many of my preconceived notions of what this sermon really is have been blown out of the water. On so many levels I didn't know existed, this traditionally praised and sacred sermon isn't that much of a sermon at all. If you look at the beginning of chapter 5, you see Jesus isn't speaking to the multitudes. He's speaking right to his passionate followers. So right then and there I realized that the infamous sermon may not be the list of do's and don't's I've always imagined it to be.

Most people assume that Jesus is preaching on how we should act, how we should run our lives, but I don't think that's the case. Now, I could be wrong (can't we all???) and these are just musings, but I actually think Jesus is telling his followers how to spot a true disciple. A real disciple of Jesus will embody all the qualities, atttitudes, and behaviors Jesus mentions. The Sermon on the Mount flows from a genuine heart of a person running after God.

I'm drugged up, so my back is fine. I just feel like puking. Oh well. I'm just glad my back isn't sweltering in pain anymore.

I only got two hours of sleep last night. The pain in my back is immense. Undescribable. Several times I awoke nearly crying out in pain. If I stayed in any position longer than ten minutes, it started to ache. So I slept in dashed 5-7 minute blurps, if lucky. I got the day off school because it hurts so much to sit down, and that's what school is, anyways, right? I figure now is a good time to miss school. These last two days are screw-off days, so I can afford to miss one (or two :-)). I'm not a big fan of public education. Private, now, that's a different story. And I love the idea of career centers. Mom took me to the doctor's, and he said just to take some medicine and take it easy. It's probably sprained. Either from exercising too much or Chris Williams jumping on top of me for a video we filmed.

As I lay in bed last night, I pondered how we take so many things for granted. When I have a cancer sore, I say, "When it's gone, I'll never take it for granted again." But then two days later I am! The same holds true with all kinds of sicknesses and aches and pains. Headaches, jawaches, toothaches. You name it, we've all seen it, and all of us think, "I always take it for granted, being healthy and feeling normal." So right now I'm wondering why I take a fully-functioning back granted, but I know in a few days, when the torn muscle has recalibrated, this will be but a dream, and I'll take it for granted.

Pat D., Chris Williams and I feasted once more at China Cottage, enjoying every morsel. I didn't eat very much, though, giving some of my food to Pat - I know Chinese food is the worst for you, no matter which way you look at it.

We spent the rest of the day filming a video project on Jeff Sutton's camera (it really stinks), and somewhere along the line a muscle in my back contorted and now I can't bend forward and back and it just hurts sitting here. Oh well. What can you do? Perhaps this will give me time to read my two new books:

We went to Borders where I bought Emerson's essays, and Walden by Henry David Thoreau. I've always wanted to read their works, and when I saw how cheap they were online, I couldn't resist running over there and yanking them off the shelf.

Two days of school.
No work next week.
Relaxation and wonder.

If my back didn't hurt so much, it would be a lot funner :-).

Now I have to drive Pat and Chris home. So bye.

This happened a long time ago (well, a few months), and it's become a kind of joke amongst me and my friends. It is true, I tell you, every bit of it. This happened the night I returned from the summer's Crank's Creek Missions Trip:

I was in the habit of going on runs for exercise, and this night I suited up and went outside. I began running, and as I ran up one of the streets at ten thirty at night, a little car pulled up and a woman got out. She walked up to me. I thought she’d be asking for directions, but she told me, “We’re having a scavenger hunt and we need a good-looking boy to sing a song for us. We just need you to get in the car.” I knew something was up because she was forty years old, it was ten-thirty at night, she called me good-looking :-), and also—by the way—she was hiding something behind her back. I knew what was up. No explanation needed. “Do you want to come?” she asked.

“No,” I told her. She began to move the arm from around her back, when suddenly her beaming face—cheery to build up confidence in kids—fell to a look of fear. She stumbled back to get in the car and I seized the moment and ran up through the backyards of houses. I hit a street again on my sprint for home, and the car pulled up again.

Now the passenger’s side door and the front door opened, and I knew they were getting out; but they slammed their doors and gunned down the road for no reason at all. I warned the neighbors, called the cops, and God told me, “I sent you out there because there were a lot of little kids running around. They needed to be warned. You saved a kid tonight.” Then he added, “When things got hairy, I protected you.”

I know none of you were there—because I was alone—but if you had seen the woman’s face the first time she tried to pick me up, you would’ve known something frightened her. Maybe God put fear in her heart? When she and the driver prepared to pick me up again, something frightened them so bad they gunned away down the road. When I got inside, I opened up my Bible and read,

“For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear

him,

and he rescues them.”

- Psalm 34:7, New Living Translation

so life continues...

Dylan came over yesterday and we ate tuna sandwiches and new potatoes. He played on my computer while I phoned my friends and did the If you'd like to make a call... impression over the phone. I fooled Chris Williams. Tyler might have been coming over, but he never showed. Dylan left for a choir concert with his girlfriend, and Tyler made an appearance there, too (Kristen's a good singer),

After Dylan left I went over to Chris' house. Pat Dewenter was there and he let me have his copy of the Mel Gibson movie Ransom. I think it's one of the best Mel Gibson movies out there. I think it is even better than Braveheart and Payback. We went to the Dayton Mall, where we browsed such popular stores as and Hot Topics and Spencer's Gifts. Needless to say, I did not fit in there. We also checked out two really cool stores, Nirvana and Dragon Gifts (or something like that). I felt right at home in B. Dalton's.

Mom, Amanda and Ashlie have left for Kentucky. I am here with my dad all weekend, but am very thankful I have today off work. Dad and I are going to go out to eat. Where, who knows? He picks tonight. Probably Skyline Chili or something like that (I always scream like a little child, China Cottage! China Cottage! Gosh, I'm a freak). Then maybe Dylan will come over. After 8-3 tomorrow, it should be a fun day. I am filming a movie for a project at school, and Chris, Lee and supposedly Tyler are going to be involved. Though I doubt Tyler will make it. He spends every ten seconds with his sweetheart :-).

I have taken the advice of Doug and really honed in on eating right. I did an online iVillage health calculator, discovering I need 2558 calories a day for maximum performance. I also discovered that I am shaped like an apple - how did they figure that one out? - and lo! and behold they are right. I received good news - news that I've known for quite some time - that I am not overweight, and not underweight. A far cry from this time last year (obese at 210 pounds and counting...). Enough of glorifying my well-deserved achievments (summer sometimes felt like boot camp).

dreams

Mr. Porter in English asked us what we see ourselves doing in the future.

A friend of mine told me that I need to dream big, because only big dreamers really make it big. Most of my high school career has been marked by one dream: the dream to plant a church. This is a calling that runs thicker than the blood in my veins.

I have been privileged to be a close friend to someone who has actually planted two churches in the southwest Ohio area, both of which are running strong. While I have read many books on starting churches, on relevant churches, books on how to keep focus through the trials of church building, nothing serves me better than my conversations with this friend. He has shown me firsthand the difficulties and joys of starting a church, and he has revealed the mistakes and errors one can hopefully avoid in beginning a new church.

I wish to start a postmodern church that is open-minded, accepting, and willing to dive into spiritual issues. I want to start a church that accepts the social pariahs, the homosexuals, the worst of the worst, and accept them with genuine love and a desire for spiritual friendship. I want to start a church that isn’t bigoted, brainwashing, condemning or judgmental.

I am fortunate in the fact that I belong to a church that, while it isn't postmodern, is very open-minded, accepting and loving. The leaders are bare and naked with their passion for God and His Kingdom, and we all do a pretty good job of not excluding anyone. There is always a warm air of love and acceptance, even though it's held in a YMCA gymnasium :-), and those at Southwest are on a journey into the wild and wonderful world of postmodernism as well. I am also fortunate to have experienced New Life, a small, New Testament-style, postmodern church, where the leaders are passionate and loving, as is the congregation. Both of these churches have driven me closer to God in so many ways, and I wish to model aspects of both when I begin my own church. Southwest and New Life are the biggest families I have :-).

Jesus’ message of hope, life, love, and peace is the driving force and single passion of my life.

what's going on?

This is for Doug Hill or Tom Planck, or heck, anyone who's ever been on a lifestyle change for the better. I've been eating so good the last two weeks, and everything's been great. I've kept losing weight. But then, all of a sudden, for no reason, it started creeping back up. I haven't been splurging or anything. I've been eating all the right portions at all the right times and all the right nutrition. Over the last week the pounds have slowly crept up. I was wondering if anyone has any advice?

I need to go to school. I work 3-8 today so this will probably be the only post today.

I really haven't written much because things have been kind of boring over the last two days. We had the 412 Christmas party and that was great fun. Chris and I thought it would've been funny to put a bunch of baking flour in a gift and leave a note that said Praise Allah on it. How's the war against terrorism doing, anyways? Haven't heard a whole lot about it ever since Iraqis have been fighting back (and why shouldn't they? we invaded them, don't forget - why do we call patriotic Iraqis infidels? Hmmm...)

Monday and most of today has been spent at school, fiddling with Rome, and sleeping. I was so bored I went to bed last night at 7:00. Dylan couldn't come over yesterday, so all my plans fell through, and I didn't have enough gas to drive to Centerville and hang out with my friend Pat D.

Tyler was supposed to come over today, but he spent all day with Kristen, so I didn't see him. Instead I went over to Chris Williams' house where I played Perfect Dark, he played PS2 upstairs, and then we played with his cats and laughed. One of his cats is so fat rolls of skin hang so slow he trips over them as he walks. That's pretty fat.

I've finished reading Blue like Jazz and The Coffeehouse Gospel. Both are awesome books and I recommend them. I am starting More Ready Than You Realize by McLaren today. I have had a passion for reaching out to others lately, a passion I hope will not dissipate. I poop every day after I get home.

Reading Mike Box's posts on his gathering, 3rd Place, and seeing how God is blessing it, seeing how people are getting into it, I can't help but feel a few traces of envy.

The gathering I started, called flame, saw its birth about six months ago, near the end of May, just before school let out. It was awesome. We had six or seven people, and we went to North Park, sat out on the lawn, and just talked about God and what Jesus meant when he said we need to have faith like a child. Everyone was intensely in love with God and in love with each other, and many remarked it was the best gathering they'd ever been to. Eventually we reached our peak of nineteen people. But slowly the numbers began to fall away. It was sort of like a plague - one person started treating the whole thing like a joke, then another, and another. Then people started gossiping behind each others' backs and getting into huge arguments over dumb stuff. So people stopped coming. We were at about ten people when 40 Days of Community started, and no one took anything seriously, just goofed off and yelled at each other and yelled at me and then some people who were there seeking God stopped coming. I couldn't blame them. Every night upon returning home I was pulling my hairs out. We ran down to about six, and those people told me, "It stinks now, man." And they stopped coming. We only had three people come last time, and so we didn't even have it.

I guess the "envy" I harbor is envy that with Mike Box's group, the gatherers are willing to talk, to take some stuff seriously, to really get involved in the topic and take it to their lives. Now, I know no one's going to want to spend two hours being reverent and humble while talking about God - because that's not how it's meant to be. I believe that true community is birthed in laughter and having fun, and I believe when we gather to worship God, laughter and having fun is a vital part. But it can be taken too far.

So now I have a failed Thursday gathering, closed out for the year, and am wondering what to do come January 2005? Keep going? Rebirth?

Over the last couple of days, I've been listening to Straylight Run and wondering, "What is sin?" Straylight Run is not related in any way. But really, what is sin? We always think of sin as a list of dos-and-don't's, and while that's very elementary, there is some truth to it. But I just can't believe that sin is a list God drew up and labeled bad. Why is cheating bad? Why is lying and stealing a sin? Why is premarital sex bad, if you love each other; why is marriage needed for sex? Why is masturbation wrong, if it doesn't hurt anybody? I really can't just accept that those things are wrong because God says they are; sure, that's the truth, but why does God say they are sin? Sin is rebellion against God, right? How is cheating and stealing and lying and sexual immorality rebellion against God? I'm not question the idea of sin itself, I just want to know the underlying, basic, bedrock, eternal truths that make these things certain rebellion against God. Does anyone know?

And also, is cussing a sin? I don't cuss because I hate the sound of it, but if anyone has input...

Anthony Day 2004!

I have a day named after me? This is insane! Dad wakes me up at 6:45 and tells me, "You might want to save some extra time to get your Jeep ready." I thought it had snowed and been trenched in, but I looked outside and the roads were just wet. He says, "Come and see!" We trek downstairs, outside, and to the Jeep.

The Cherokee is wrapped in wrapping paper. On the top is a lawn chair with a seat cushion as a body, a straw hat and boots. A wreath adorns the back of the Jeep, and walking around, there was a poster that read Anthony Day, with a drawing of me in my thick bug glasses (which I dropped about three years ago!). Dad and I laughed. I will bet you Hague, Chris and Lee dropped by last night.

I worked a seven-hour shift at the hometown proud I.G.A., but upon returning, Hague drove up in his 4x4 and they beckoned me over. My guard was down, and soon snowballs - I think they were snowballs - were being hurled at me from Chris, Lee and the Pats. I chased Hague around the house, then ran down to the wood pile, found a big stick by the swing, and raced back, swinging it around like a berserker. Unfortunately no one was hit, though Dewenter's face was pure terror and horror as he jumped into the 4x4 and they gunned away. I kind of felt like the chainsaw massacre guy, just seeing their faces.

Speaking of serial killers, we watched the movie Monster last night at the Williams'. I thought it was OK. Everyone else hated it. I liked the fact it was a true story, and you kind of find compassion for the murderer. It wasn't your average thriller; it was drama, and you wanted to laugh and cry and it made you angry, especially the last murder. If you haven't seen it, you wouldn't understand.

Backtracking from the night's movie, around 4:00 I went up near Northmont to a buffet with my extended family. It is quite funny. Mom's family is a soap opera, and Dad's is an episode of Pleasantville. I don't understand how it happens to be honest. I always feel so foreign in either situation. But when we returned, Chris, Pat and Pat had visited again, breaking into the house with a key, and putting a poster on the steps that read ANTHONY DAY!!! They also stripped my mattresses and pulled out all my drawers. My dad went ballistic (in a nice fatherly way) and banned them from the house.

All in all, a very interesting day. My Saturdays are always interesting. After work, anyways. Work sucks.

So we're all just sitting in my room this evening and Pat says, "What can we do? None of us have money." Chris says, "Let's go to Half Price!" He's not a big reader, but he likes to browse the CDs and poems sections. I reply, "All I have is gas money. I'm budgeting now. I don't want to waste it." They laugh. Budgeting. Never saw myself budgeting. Suddenly Pat lights up. "Half Price! That's it! Dude! Let's sell all your dumb books!"

We emptied out my closet and some of my bookshelf. We probably had fifty or sixty books, no joke, mostly junk I've accumulated over the years. There were books on Christian fundamentalism to dinosaurs, to novels of all sorts, and some war history books. A whole bunch of junk that just took up space. We put them into clothes baskets, hauled them out to the Jeep in the rain. Ashlie drives up, and joins us.

The wait at 1/2 Price is excruciating. We agree to divy up the cash. We're expecting fifty bucks, you know, a dollar per book. What a crock. We got a check for twenty bucks and cashed it. Pat and Chris were ecstatic. I just thought of how I'd spent over two hundred dollars on all those books, and now, standing in the rain, all I have is a soggy twenty dollar bill. But then I smiled. Money is still money, and divying it up, I was eight bucks richer!

But how to break it? We fondled this question and decided on the classic place - Deals! We broke the twenty and I bought stuffed olives, jerky links, and a Jones soda. Chris bought a bag of fast breaks. Pat decided to save his money; he's investing it in his credit union.

After school Amanda asked me if I remembered when she called me butthead and pimple-face and fatty. I told her I did. She asked me if it made me sad, because she always used those words in place of my real name during my years of depression. I told her no. She seemed to lighten up. Then she asked, "What made you sad?" As honestly as I could, I said, "Pretty much just the simple fact you didn't like me." I must tell you she almost cried. She wrapped her arms around me so tight I farted (no joke). Yeah. That really happened.

God has been convicting me so tenderly that, to sum it up - and these aren't really his own words - I suck at witnessing. But I bet he agrees. I can't remember the last time I actually reached out to someone not in my community of faith. I mean, sure, I say hi to people and strike up friendly conversation, but I avoid the topic of God. I am afraid of scaring them away from God. But if I don't open my mouth, how can they ever think of running from God? The problem is I don't really know HOW to witness. I am surrounded by people who hold the Bible as Truth, and they're all in my community of faith, and all the others think the Bible is another counterfeit; all the witnessing books I have say go down the romans road, but what if people don't think the roman road exists? You get nowhere really. And I am a horrible speaker when countered. I stutter and stammer and struggle for words. When it's all over, what I SHOULD have said always pops into my head. It really makes me crazy inside.

If anyone has any tried-and-true, personal-encounters, non-textbook ideas or suggestions that I could ponder on in these times I would really appreciate them.

Last night, a bunch of us got together and watched Seinfeld, played some Texas Hold 'em and completed the ecstasy with four large Papa John's Pizzas. The idea behind it was, obviously, have some fun, but also to draw in our unchurched friends and kind of get them in the loop. We weren't selling Christianity at all; it wasn't a pitch for 412. We don't view people as numbers, or even as jewels on heavenly crowns, but we see them as people, souls, hungry for something more. We want to show them this something more. We want to build relationships, not just to share with them Good News of the message, but mostly just to have a good time and build friendships for the heck of it.

A friend of mine is really spiritually hungry. He starves for God, starves for something to really believe in. He's gone through a lot of hard times, and he's very skeptical of churches. From what he tells me, his family went to a church once and all they did was ask for money (this is the same case for another friend of mine), and now they won't even step foot inside a church. He wants nothing to do with Christianity. The question, then, is how do I show him what he wants? He knows what he wants; he just doesn't think it will come through Jesus. He has lots of respect for Jesus, he just doesn't think he's really the Son of God. How can I show him this Jesus? Through my life! Yet I hardly ever see him. Periodically I see him for brief instances in the halls at school, and every now and then we're scheduled together at I.G.A., but other than that, I never see him.

When I invite him to hang out when the goal is "let's get these people in so they can find life and we can have new friends" something always inevitably comes up; every now and then we go to Borders and 1/2 Price and browse, and that's as good a time as any, methinks. God has put him on my heart, and I've reached out, but I don't think it is mere coincidence that many times when he could've met other Christians things fell apart. My heart breaks for this kid. I just want him to know, to believe, to experience - life.

Why do I believe in God? Why do I believe in Jesus? It isn't rational; I mean, God isn't rational. God just doesn't make sense. It's like a caveman trying to understand an IPOD. That's how I feel sometimes. You'd go crazy trying to understand all there is to God. God, Jesus, faith, Christianity, it's all mysterious.

But why do I believe in all this? I didn't always. The idea of a Super Being controlling my life was horrible (and it still is!). Despite this, I felt drawn - not intellectually or mentally, but spiritually and emotionally - to God. I felt God drawing me to Him. I gave in and realized that God didn't want to control me, but free me; I realized God didn't want to squelch my life, but give me real life (and what great life it is!). I remember when I first said, "Yes," to God; most people say it was a miraculous, life-changing event. Mine wasn't really. I didn't feel any different. But that decision has etched a life I happily claim my own. The miracles and the roller-coaster emotions didn't start at the beginning of the journey, but are all over the journey itself.

I never really chose to believe; belief chose me. Those truths I hold so close chose me. I feel like a babbling fool - I really can't explain any of it. Yet this I know - it is beautiful, true, wonderful. It's not something you know with your mind, it's something you know with your heart. You can feel it in your soul. It is life. That's really all it is.

Life.

Jeff and his wife Mindy are eleven weeks into their pregnancy (well, Mindy's pregnancy :-)). I think I'd leave 412 if Jeff was going to be going into labor in seven weeks. It'd just be too weird. Anyways, this is awesome news because, unfortunately, they lost the first one. That said, Jeff has relayed that he would like any and all prayers that can be mustered for the baby's health and for Mindy's soon-to-be-rampant emotional swings :-). And speaking of Mindy's coming flare-ups, a good word in for Jeff would - I imagine - be greatly appreciated.

You can check out the baby's progress at a website Jeff built - www.babysutton.com

You've gotta be a proud daddy-to-be to buy a domain for a baby you haven't yet seen :-). He'll be a good one.

Tyler says he doesn't know what it is with my friends and our Chinese food. I guess it just doesn't help that we went out to eat after church at China Garden and I stuffed myself. I wasn't hungry the rest of the day.

Student Revolution was amazing; Jeff played a nooma DVD and I felt so divinely inspired that I actually bought it online! The message was on love - sometimes we think we're doing God a favor by picking up a bullhorn and calling down fire and brimstone - in whatever way we do it - but really we are most likely hurting the cause of Christ, bringing undeserved black marks down on a message of life, hope, and peace.

Finishing the Christian Culture Survival Guide, a very witty and satirical book, I must say I enjoyed it very much. Even though many of his statements are somewhat offensive to me and others I know, I do not deny there is some deep-bellied eternal truths under the satirical lace. At the end of his work he wrote two segments that I am going to copy down for you in case you haven't read the book. They're very nice. Here they are:

5 Teachings of Christ to Survive On:
1) Do not judge
2) Love your neighbor, but more importantly, love your enemy
3) Hunger and thirst after righteousness
4) Love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul and strength
5) Believe. Believe. Believe. Believe what it teaches with all your heart.

5 Truths I've Learned about Living Out my Faith:
1) Love never has an agenda - never
2) We are always on call to be a missionary - even when we're asleep in bed
3) Jesus loves lesbians, murders, and legalistic fundamentalists
4) Sometimes the most blatant, obnoxious witness for Jesus comes from the quietest person in the room
5) No fear.

Another point he makes is that it's not a good idea to leave gospel tracts instead of a tip. This actually happened to me once at I.G.A.

Today is Pat Dewenter's birthday!!!

This more than midly exciting winter retreat began with waking up at 6:30. You'd think nothing good would come of that. But it all went uphill when Chris, Pat Hague, Pat D., Lee and I hooked up at Chris and Lee's. Piling into Lee's classic, we shot coffee and ate lemon crisps at Cafe a go-go.

Monopoly consumed our minds. I was the first out. Lee and Pat D. wiped me out, and Pat Hague and Chris fell not long after.

What do you know? We ate at CHINA COTTAGE! Pat D.'s Mom and Dad paid for our meals and we celebrated Pat D.'s birthday. Sixteen - when is he getting his temps??? All the guys wrapped up some gifts for me. The cards said they were passionately in love with me, it was hilarious. They gave me two boxes of fortune cookies and stole one of my dino books and wrapped it up :-). General Tao's chicken and egg drop soup erased the shakes, as I hadn't eaten except for a bowl of Honeycomb during the Monopoly franchise.

The night wasn't over yet! Pat Hague went over to Ashlie's, and Lee went to the slavehouse at the Towne Mall, but Chris, Pat D., Ams and I ate whisky meatballs and homemade applesauce while watching Payback with Mel Gibson. I haven't seen one bad Mel Gibson movie. He's phenomenal. All my friends agree.

We hung out at my place. Mom pulled up into the driveway and she popped out with a brand-new puppy wearing a Santa Clause hat. A cocker spaniel, Mom bought it for Grandma as an early Christmas gift. Grandpa is infuriated :-). He'll get over it.

My early Christmas gift - a CD player for my '93 Jeep Cherokee. Quacktastic.

fortune cookie wars - the first battle

It all started when I bought a box of fortune cookies from hometown proud I.G.A. Joining Chris Williams, Pat Dewenter, Pat Hague and Ashlie Finnie at Ashlie's house, I stole Hague's keys from under his nose, ran outside, unlocked the 4x4, put a fortune cookie in each seat, and locked the doors back up. I returned inside and laughed around with Ashlie until Forsake Me Not climbed out of the basement after a grueling hour of practice.

They wanted me to see a movie with them, Evil Dead. I will be going over there to watch it in a few minutes, but they're not there yet. Anyways, Ashlie decided to spend the night over here, so she was getting her shoes on when they went out the door. I sat down on the couch and picked up a giant Bible and was looking at 1 Kings when I heard doors slamming, and frantic voices: "Anthony! Anthony!"

Ashlie's eyes went wide. I held the Bible taught. All three of them bolted into the room. Pat's face was ashen; Hague was tripping over the carpet; Chris munched on his fortune cookie. Hague shrieked, "Did you do this! Anthony! Please tell me you did this!" Fear. Terror. I was laughing, but played it off like I was laughing at them, not at the joke. I asked what was going on. Pat said, "There were fortune cookies in our seats." This is way into the night, you must know, and they're mortified - the idea of a five-foot-tall Chinese Ho-Chi-Minh slinking around the suburbs is unnerving to anyone and makes you wary of windows. Chris finished off his cookie. Hague yelped, "Anthony! Listen! TELL ME YOU DID THIS!" "Were there any in my Jeep?" I countered.

Suddenly Pat yells to Chris, "Dude! You should've have eaten that! It could've been poisoned!" Chris suddenly isn't so calm; his eyes are large as saucer plates. Hague's hands are shaking. How come I haven't exploded in laughter yet??? Pat said, "Hague, show me the wrapper. I'll be able to tell what restaurant it is from. I know these things." Hague throws it over. Chris' attention is beamed in. I'm watching with ecstatic glee. Pat looks over the wrapper, "This isn't China Cottage, man."

Chris finally speaks. "Check Anthony's car!" They turn and bolt out the front door, almost spinning into the hedges. Ashlie and I run after them. Pat is in the lawn and asks under his breath, "Did you do it, man?" I told him no. Chris and Hague are at the Jeep, throwing open the doors. The inside light goes on and they see the I.G.A. bag and the box of fortune cookies. Fear drains into anger.

Chris takes the box of fortune cookies, opens the lid, and hurls them out all over the street. The rest is chaos. A neighbor looking out the door would hear lots of shouting, yells, cries, figures running about in the dark. Hague jumped up at me; I kicked him in the stomach, knocking him in to the Jeep. I chased Chris and Pat; Pat took the fortune cookies and ran up into the garage. He hands them off to Hague. Chris and Pat double-team me and I'm caught; Hague makes a run for it; I flail and break free, hurling myself at Hague. They beat it into the 4x4 and race away.

Ashlie and I jump into the Jeep and we drive to I.G.A., where I bought yet another pack of fortune cookies (what is it with me and Chinese food?). I told Ashlie, "We'll put them in Chris' front door in a Pentagram." That's a witch's symbol for those of you who don't know. We drive to their subdivision, and as we turn onto their road, a pair of headlights flashes over us and I know: it's them.

I smile at Ashlie. She sees the vengeance in my eye.

I haven't much to share with you. Life has been school and work, with not too much in between. Tuesday Jeff, Lee, Chris, Dylan, Pat and I got together and talked about how we can start stop talking and start living (does that make any sense?) lives that reflect love and mission for Jesus. Lives of spreading the Message and reaching out to those around us. Hopefully we can make some headway from there.

Afterwards, Jeff bolted and us kids took a drive to Cafe-a-go-go, a delicious cofeehouse, where we hung out, drank coffee, and talked life. The cafe is nice, with chiming music in the background, tender coffee aroma, murals of Central America and Columbian coffee bags. They even had a bonzai tree I almost killed because I thought it was fake :-). It's always fun to just forget the trials and temptations and troubles of the easy teenage life and just lay back, drink a mocha, and listen to the wind against the sails.

My highlight of the week: Manchuan Raman noodles on sale, ten for a buck, bought me two dollars and thirty cents' worth. I got all the flavors. Chili, Creamy Chicken, Chicken n' Mushroom, Beef, Oriental, Chicken, Shrimp, Roast Beef, and I can't think of anymore. Ahh. Raman. The classic college food.

For quite some time I've been under the impression that the only relationship God wants with us is one that is intimate. Yet if that were true, I realized, how come such intimacy is with God is so rare, felt only a dozen or so times in life, during worship, Bible reading, spending time with others in church, whatever? If this is the one goal and purpose of God's relationship with us, why are the most devoted and fantastical Christians admitting intimacy is so hard to fine sometimes?

I think one reason is that the Evil One has his claws all over this world. Duh. But another reason has been spreading through my heart, mind, and soul, and has brought relief and peace to me.

Intimacy is the grittiest, most raw relationship we can hold with God. It is where we find God inviting us into his bedchamber, as raunchy as that may sound. Some have found such intimacy, but it is rare. For the reason stated above about the Evil One, and also because, simply, a lot of us don't want to go any farther!

In the house church/ small group I lead, I have been pounding on how God wants only an intimate relationship with us. I have stated - incorrectly - that if we do not have this intimacy, we are missing out. And so many times in saying that I have been shooting an arrow into my chest, because this intimacy is not an every-day thing for me. I had been discouraged by the fact that most people did not desire an intimate relationship with God, and I thought this was something God mourned and even scolded. But God is comfortable with us not wanting an intimate relationship with him; he is okay if we don't want to commit our entire lives to Him.

Notice in Scripture that intimacy with God is not a requirement to salvation, but a step above salvation. We can exist with God on more than one level; there are four levels we exist with God on, and they are interchangeable through our lives:

1) The multitudes belonged to Jesus in a public setting. We can belong to God publically as he is the shepherd and we are the sheep. We can belong to him publically as he is the master and we are the servant. All these are spoken by Jesus and are just as legitimate as the deeper relationships. This is the most common relationship to God.

2) A roomfull of people belonged to Jesus socially. This social belonging is often found in churches, small groups, social worship and prayer, etc. We hardly ever find passionate prayers in corporate gatherings, because they are out-of-place. I used to think public, franchised prayers weren't very good, but they are just as legitimate, only finding existence on a different level. There are less of these than there are of public community with God.

3) The 12 disciples found personal belonging with Jesus. This is when God is our best friend, our brother or sister, our family. We experience this when we gather with one or two people and just pray passionately with God, worship passionately, and commune together passionately. There are less of these than there are of social belonging with God.

4) The inner circle of Peter, James and John belonged to Jesus intimately. This is where the fewest relationships with God are found. This is where God is the Lover and we are the Beloved, and we live on that fact.

All these four areas of belonging experience community with Jesus, and all are significant. A healthy relationship with God will touch all four levels, and they change in-and-out with us with the passing of years.

It's that time of year again.

Today I took some well-needed time, sat down at this computer, and browsed Amazon.com. I am an avid reader and have a nice little collection of books ranging everywhere from classical masterpieces to Ambrose's WWII writings, and Michael Crichton and John Grisham to Edgar Allan Poe and lots of John Eldredge. Suspense, horror, action, thriller, even a romance in there somewhere (not the dime romances, the good stuff).

I had a few ideas on my mind and was able to plot out an inclusive Christmas list for my parents and extended family:

Rome: Total War: Prima Official Game Guide, $13.59

In the Name of Rome: The Men Who Won the Roman Empire (Phoenix Press), $9.71

The Complete Roman Army, $26.37

The Penguin Historical Atlas of Ancient Rome (Penguin Historical Atlases), $11.53

The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire: Volumes 1,2,3 (Everyman's Library) [BOX SET], $34.00

The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire: Paperback, $10.85

Handbook to Life in Ancient Rome, $13.97

Celtic Cross Display

Stocking gifts:

Nag Champa incense

Plain cover, silver Zippo

Beware all you who think I've gone head over heels for my snazzy new computer game! The game was bought out of adorating for the beautiful history of ancient worlds! Lots of people have told me my fascination of ancient warfare has found breeding grounds on my XP; no, the XP breeding ground was birthed from passion.

*** Does anyone know where I can find a celtic cross display? It would be REALLY cool!

an odd night

Pat spent the night last night. I was sleeping soundly and dreaming of Rome when what sounded like the doorbell echoed in my ears. Rolling over, I rubbed my eyes and saw the clock read 3:01 a.m. Awkward. Half-asleep, I heard it again, and thought to myself, Is there a phalanx of spearmen at the front door? Literally. I was still bunking REM. Finally all disullisioned ideas broke apart when Doogie started barking.

I hopped up and ran to my window, pulling back the blinds, remembering a time I was almost kidnapped just down the street (long story). A car sat by the curb with its lights on and door open. I backed up to my desk, opened the drawer, and pulled out a hunting knife Pat had given me a week ago. I guess it helped me feel more protected.

Pat startled me when he got up and muttered, "What's going on? It's so early."

"There's someone outside in a car!"

Pat's dad was supposed to come by in the morning and pick him up to run to Southwest to play bass. Suddenly Pat said, "Is it my dad? My dad's gone mad! It's 3:00!"

To add to the confusion, the phone began to ring. Pat yelped, "Pick it up!" I ran it off the wall and said, "Hello?" Around 11:30 Shelby and Jacque Stevens and Megan Hague had been prank calling and I thought, You've got to be joking me - they're supposed to be in Northmont! A female voice came through: "This is the Springboro Police Department." They wanted to talk to my dad about some youths running around outside. My parents blamed us because it's happened before, but we were sleeping soundly dreaming of Rome.

such a laugh-filled day

The rest of the day went well. We watched a movie called Resurrection, somewhat like the movie SE7EN, at Chris and Lee's house. I ate a sugar cookie, low-fat eggnog and animal crackers. Pat had donuts, ice cream, doritos, cookies, and then some, and he complains to me about gaining weight; I told him not to complain to me anymore :-). It was a laughing ball when we returned to my house and ate supper; mine was fiber popcorn (mmmm, yumm!) and a bagel. Pat had more junk food and Chris and I relaxed in the family room amongst Christmas lights and Christmas music. I love Christmas. Three weeks till Christmas break!

We decided to go to the 412 Basketball night, but instead of playing we ran around in the YMCA until we got yelled at, hid in an off-limits gym (we didn't know it was off-limits), and got karts out of the closet and rushed around the gymnasium with Jeff yelling at us to stay off the court :-). And a grand finale: Chris raced me through a water puddle on a scooter, let go, and I pitched forward, splashing water all over myself. Ahh! Stories!

Dylan and I went and saw the movie Alexander at Showcase Cinema Dayton South. I thought it was good, though it was drawn out; the battle scenes were epic, though, along the fantastic lines of Braveheart and Gladiator. We hung out for a while at home, then he left and Pat Dewenter came over.

Pat and I ran our course to the awesome and delicious China Cottage, where we partook in creamy egg drop soup, crunchy spring rolls and steaming broccoli and General Tau's chicken. Laughter all the way - great times! Pat says he is seriously considering CBC, and if he went we would room together. With John Thomason rooming with me my first college years, this means I'd have a well-known college roommate all through college!

I see characters like William Wallace, Maximus Decimus Meridious, Alexander, and I want to be like them. I think every man wants to be like them. We all starve for glory, for righteous power, for authority. We all long to be looked at through history and seen as noble, heroically fierce, glorious. This is in the gene of men, a desire and longing implanted by the Creator - for once we were noble, once we were heroically fierce, and once we were glorious (as Chesterton said, "We are statues of God walking about the Garden."). One day, too, these longings and desires will be fulfilled, and we will be noble, fierce, and glorious once again!

I have had a bad headache for the last three days straight, but I've no clue why. I also spent much of the day on the toilet because of diahrrea and nausea; where they came from, I don't know. Then I started having 'black-outs' - move suddenly, and with my eyes open, all I see is black and my ears roar for about ten seconds. I used to get them all the time, and today at least they've been biting at me.

We celebrated Thanksgiving with my grandparents and cousins up in New Carlisle. My cousin Matthew, Ams, my grandparents and I drove to downtown Dayton for a STOMP production at the Schuster Center. It was interesting. Surprised to run into Ashley Howard and Erica Owen up there. At the show, it stunk in one way because whenever they banged garbage cans really loud, my head pounded.

On our way out, we passed Uno's Chicago Bar and Grill, sparking memories. Memories of what feel like ancient times. Memories of eating with Pat and Megan Hague, the Southards, and my family after a Third Day concert. Memories of Dad and I buying food at a concession at the concert when Chris, Lee and Pat Dewenter walked past and Dad said, "You should try to get to know them," and I just said, "I don't think so."

"Ironic," I told Amanda, "that they're some of my best friends now?"

Mom woke me up around 8:00 when she headed out, and since I couldn't sleep, I got up and fixed breakfast and showered, threw on clothes. I fixed some healthy popcorn for breakfast and watched some of Schindler's List, one of my top-ten favorite movies of all time (along with Braveheart, Gladiator, Dawn of the Dead...).

With a few spare hours on my hands, I went before the throne in worship, prayer, scripture reading. God touched my heart and a flame burned within my soul. His presence has not lifted off of me ever since precious hour. The monks were on to something.

Dylan Yosick came over. We laughed and goofed around and played Battlefield: Vietnam and Rome: Total War. Flipped through some yearbooks and fixed supper. Dylan had a pizza and two lean pockets (how the kid stays thin I do not know) and I had some rolls, healthy New England clam chowder, and some new potatoes, lightly buttered and salted. I worked 3-9 with my friends Ricky and Sean; the weather was beautiful - not in the picturesque sunset kind of way, but the ferocious and ominous way. The sunset and the rainbows and hummingbirds show us only one facet of God, perhaps the facet of tenderness? But today's stormy weather showed yet another facet - his royal unpredictability, his dangerousness. Wow. Afterwards Chris Williams and I laughed and joked around and he chased the Jeep as I sped away from his house.

The bath water was hot and I put in some bubblebath. Been a long time since one of those. The bubbles and running water massaged crying feet. I need to go to bed now. 8-12 in the morning.

Thanks for reading about my day; farewell!

I am going through a rough time right now. I have recently learned that some of the friends I considered good have potentially turned on me and are spreading rumors and gossip through not only school, but Southwest and 412 as well. This really sickens me. It saddens me. How come deep friendships, true community, is so hard to find?

This weekend has been a blast. After work Friday, I went to the Christmas in Festival and ran into my friends, Pat Hague, Ashlie Finnie, Chris Williams and Pat Dewenter. Pat and I ran up to Best Buy minutes before it closed and I grabbed a kamikaze-sweet PC game, Rome: Total War. Enough about that, it bores most of you, I know :-).

Saturday I spent with Pat again; we went up to Salvation Army, and as he thrifted I browsed Borders and 1/2Price, but nothing good. We grabbed my sister Amanda and we headed out to Christmas in Springboro, flitting in and out of the tents, eating Kettle Korn, buying incense...

Pat, Ams and I pillaged together our $$$ and snatched a corner desk for my room, sold to us by Rochelle manning the Garage booth, which filled the three of our's time Sunday after morning worship gathering. Dylan and Tyler Yosick swung by, then we chowed down at the Southwest Church Celebration Sunday dinner. I was hungry but thank God I didn't shove food down my throat :-).

My weight loss battle is over, as I reached my original weight goal of 135; but this is a LIFESTYLE change, not a diet - remember that all you dieters :-). You can't go back to your old ways!

After the dinner, 412 polled together, jumped in the cars, and went to see Spongebob Squarepants: the Movie. I didn't like it too much, but lots of laughter with my friends.

There are times in life when we need to just relax and enjoy ourselves. We get so caught up with working for God that we forget that we also ought to - are CALLED to - relax and enjoy our lives not only for God, but with God alongside. So set aside the church bulletin, go outside, lie down in the hammock, and sleep for a few hours. Perhaps God could use the rest, too :-).

"It's useless to rise early and go to bed late,
and work your worried fingers to the bone.
Don't you know he enjoys
giving rest to those he loves?"
- Psalm 127:2, MSG

Today I finally had enough cash to go out and buy Rome: Total War. I'm a HUGE fan of medieval style warfare (though Rome wouldn't be medieval, but it's still swords and spears and axes and arrows and all that fun stuff). It is the most amazing computer game I've ever seen, I am so excited about it. Well. Off to play some more :-). Just thought I'd give you the highlight of my day.

Pat Dewenter went with me to Best Buy to buy it; he bought a Bright Eyes CD. Laughs a mile a minute. He's so awesome.

School was extremely easy today; we're watching Primal Fear in psychology, it looks good. I spent some time working on 36 Hours - it feels so good to get back into a hobby, especially one so daunting. I have poured countless hours into it, and yet I am only 1/3 of the way through it. Part of me wants to make it a trilogy; another part doesn't. I don't think I will - I am constantly making revisions.

Writing is so fun, especially when it is something that interests you, and this stuff fascinates me. Once I finish it, I'm going to put it on a website, buy a URL for it, and advertise it. Two people have read through the first third and say it is AMAZING; another echoes, and that makes three. All who have read it say it's good.

I have to admit, though, that I am behind schedule; I wanted to finish the chapter 8:00 PM, but I wasn't able to because of flame small group. That's okay; flame was great, we talked about how God wants us to enjoy our lives. Yet I am pumped, because I have a beautiful ending to the chapter planned out in my head - next stop, the XP.

Good night!

I must admit I am feeling guilty for not showing up to go bowling with a friend for D-Group. Jeff says no one showed up. My friend worked Tuesdays, and I had no money, but yet I still feel guilty. I do agree that our D-Group needs to move away from just TALKING about being better Christians to BEING better Christians in our world. I think we should keep our eyes open for opportunities to be a loving presence in Springboro, Ohio, where we can just go out and help out and love on others without spending a dime (this is not selfishness, it is me being broke :-)).

In lighter news, I spent an hour and a half writing. I rarely ever get to write anymore, what with school and work and God and everything in between. Life is so hectic; I would say, "Save writing for later when life isn't so hectic," but it's working out to be more hectic everyday. As I'm not a big fan of nonfiction and short stories, I tend to write books - novels. My last grand one, an epic of a novel, was STARSEED, which my friends make fun of. I am working on one now called 36 HOURS. It is a blend of suspense, horror and thriller. I enjoy writing in those genres; they are the substance of my daydreams, and all too many times the substance of my nightmares :-). I can't help it though; I am plagued by a passion for writing. Maybe one of these days I will write something worth publishing?

I am exploring the book of Isaiah. It is wonderful stuff. God's potent love streams off the pages.

[The heart] cannot be managed like a corporation. The heart does not respond to pprinciples and programs; it seeks not efficiency, but passion... For many of us, the waves of first love [of God] ebbed away in the whirlwind of Christian service and activity... Our faith began to feel more like a series of problems that needed to be solved or principles that had to be mastered... The Christian life is a love affair of the heart. It cannot be lived primarily as a set of principles or ethics. It cannot be managed with steps and programs. It cannot be lived exclusively as a moral code leading to righteousness... The truth of the Gospel is intended to free us to love God and others with our whole heart. When we ignore this heart aspect of our faith and try to live out our religion solely as correct doctrine or etics, our passion is crippled, or perverted...

- Brent Curtis, The Sacred Romance

These words burn within me as I struggle with re:birthing Monday Bible Study. I know the last thing we need - not teens, not adults, Christians, God-followers - is another Bible Study. I believe we have so entrained the brain that it has become, either on the conscious or the unconscious, the how-to and point-of in Christianity, when it is all about being in a passionate, intimate relationship with God. My friends and I burn with a desire not only to reach the lost, but to experience God on a daily basis. The experiences don't come served on a silver platter - we are in Satan's territory, and communion with God is a desert oasis. Yet we all feel God pulling us to revamp Mondays, to make it something different, something special; a vision of something not-yet seen in any size, shape or form at Springboro High School.

We have discussed and pondered and meditated on what it is that God actually wants us to do in this small corner of our High School, and we feel the Spirit pushing us to a more interactive and thematic gathering, a fellowship. We feel God softly whispering ideas into our heads, pleading, "Challenge Me, challenge Me... I love to come through... See what I can do... Challenge Me!"

Right now our sermon-style Bible Study is in the evolution of becoming more relationship-oriented. The nuts and bolts is this: play some soft music in the background, have some snacks - oatmeal creme pies, little debbie brownies, what have you - to draw people in. We spend ten-fifteen minutes just hanging out, laughing, loving, goofing off and making fools of ourselves. Then we have some kind of activity - not a game, but a spiritual activity inspiring thought and creativity - that will build upon a short message. After the message we will spend some time in prayer. We also hope to have a period of worship-by-music, with someone on guitar and someone singing. Kristen Southard seems willing enough to sing.

These ideas are building atop one another, and we contine to brainstorm - or heart-storm. Please, if you have any ideas, anything tried-and-true, if something comes from your thoughts, please tell me! Just leave it as a comment or email me at ajbarnhart@yahoo.com. Please pray that God will draw people in and we can begin to make a difference in peoples' hearts.

I saw the Enemy yesterday...

Tom had a great message last night, a message that really hit me hard and kind of brushed away the anxieties and worries of my future years, turning them into eager expectations and passionate seeking for a God who is BIG. Tom is right - so many of us put God in a box, and then we complain and gripe when our ministries stumble, when we just can't seem to overcome that sin, when our small groups dissipate and house churches vanish. I am sure this is the sowing seed of the Enemy; the last thing he wants is for us to believe our God is big. So he convinces us to put God in a box, and then he hounds us over and over and rips at us. Well last night Tom's message, and I'm sure he knows this, was a direct blow to the Enemy. Spitting in the Enemy's face. Working to remove the veil that Satan has placed over our eyes.

Satan messed a lot with Tom to discourage him, I think it was, to pull him away from what he did last night. Tom, knowing the Enemy was assailing him, didn't back down. I am sure the Enemy kept at it, but when it became clear Tom was not giving in, the Enemy turned elsewhere: to those Tom was speaking to. To me, my friends, those in the seats. Satan tore us away from the truth by distractions, by turning our ears and thoughts away from the message. Several times I felt my mind wandering, almost beyond my control, and I pulled it back (and his message was very interesting!); a friend of mine complained over and over that it was too long.

The Evil One tried to turn our ears from the message, tried to get us to focus on different things, anything he could to get us away from listening to the truth. Many of my friends who don't really believe the Enemy is that big, friends who don't believe we are at war, left complaining and disinterested.

Satan's work had won in a few. But I noticed, and it angers me. I want to fight back. I want to run back to these people and say, "Look at what happened in there!" Tom, dude, your message was undeniably from God; the level of the Enemy's activity shows that in itself.

I don't remember who it was, but someone said that two mistakes regarding the belief of demons/Satan is to ignore them, and to pay too much attention to them. I agree with the first one; but if we close our eyes and just do well to 'acknowledge' that yes, there is a little war, then we've already fallen into the Enemy's plan. I wonder if the Enemy convinced this guy that to pay too much attention is a bad idea, and so then the Enemy duped hundreds into skirting away from the idea of spiritual warfare? To me, to close our eyes - to not stare into the battle without ceasing - is to shut your eyes and throw down your gun on the beaches of Normandy.

I worked 9:30-3:00; scheduled till 4:00, but Karen was gracious and let me out an hour later :-). I picked up Pat Dewenter, and John joined us back at the house. We hung out and ate cookies until Tyler and Kristen pulled into the driveway. We took off to West Chester for some passionate worship and an amazing message by Tom Planck. Tyler and Kristen left with Kristen's parents to eat out, and the rest of us hung out at Pat's where Pat played on his guitar. We dropped off Pat at Chris and Lee's, and right now Ams, John and I are hanging out in the kitchen; Amanda is fixing up some chicken, and oh! it will taste so good!

“ ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind…’ ”
– Luke 10:27

What is Christianity all about? A lot of us mistakenly believe Christianity is about following the right doctrine, sticking to a list of rules, going to church Sundays and Wednesdays. A lot of us abandon our hearts and try to live out our faith by the right dogma or ethics, by going after morality. Look around – you see people doing it all the time; but does it work? No, because Christianity is not about all that. Christianity is about, above all other things, a love affair with God. It all revolves around love! God loves you and wants an intimate love affair with you, even more pleasurable than sex. Everything he’s done, everything he’ll ever do, is his effort to get your attention, his voice whispering, “Come to me, my Beloved!” It isn’t about rules or obedience or doctrine or external affairs – it is about God’s heart connecting with ours. It is about God pursuing us and saying. “Come into my bedchamber.” He stands at the door of our heart and knocks, anxious to come inside and be submersed in his Beloved!

“For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.”
– Jeremiah 31:34

Let us not confuse God’s forgiveness with the world’s forgiveness. When I forgive my friend, I don’t hold the sin against him; I don’t hold grudges; I treat him no differently than if he hadn't sinned against me. When God forgives us, he does something radically different. I don’t hold anything against my friend because I choose not to look on the sin; God doesn’t hold anything against us because there’s nothing to hold against us. He erases our sins, blots it out of history! By his miraculous power, he changes the past – that sin we committed never happened! It is unfathomable; we are made holy and perfect not by our own actions, but God’s. Since our sin no longer exists, why should we keep looking back on it? Why should we feel guilty or ashamed? Satan will try to use our sins against us, convincing us that our sin is too great for us to love God and be loved by God. Don’t listen to his lies – your sin no longer exists. You are perfect.

Thursday gathering went extremely well. Pat Dewenter led us in a few songs of intimate worship before the Creator, and we spent time discussing - really discussing - dozens of aspects of worship, not to mention the role Satan and his demons - the Evil Ones - can play in trying to pull us away from worship. We discussed being consumers of worship when we are to be consumed by worship. We discussed the role of daily worship, and how worship is not just music, but also looking at the stars, at times eating in fellowship, and adorant praying. We talked about how going in for the 'feelings' of worship is a kind of idolatry, focusing on feelings and not God. We prayed several times and God moved in those who had decided to come. I thank God that he has answered my countless prayers regarding this gathering, in making it so much more wonderful than I imagined possible. Whoever it was that said it is right: "Taste the Lord, and see that he is good..."

celebrating for... the heck of it

Chris Williams and I jumped in the Jeep and drove to Fudds. Chris is an awesome guy. He is hilarious. I expected it to only cost twenty bucks, but it ended up costing thirty, so that really stunk. But we sat in the round Elvis Presley booth and laughed and joked around and stuffed ourselves. I almost puked in laughter several times. It is rare that I gourge myself like I did tonight; I feel like a blimp. But such days are necessary; such days of celebration; celebrating for no reason at all except life and love and breathing on this earth. Ahh. Celebration. So sweet.

“I – yes, I alone – am the one who blots out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.” - Isaiah 43:25

The Creator doesn’t forgive us for our own sake. He doesn’t erase our sins for our own gain. He doesn’t wipe away our screw-ups and mess-ups and failures for our own good pleasure. The cross wasn’t even for us. God wipes away our sins for his own sake. He erases our sins, blots them out of history, and doesn’t think of them ever again; your sins will never cross the thought or heart of your Lover. We can fall victim to believing God erases our mistakes for us, but he really does it for himself. He desires us more than we desire him! He wants us more than we want him! He wants our hearts and love and cries out, “Pursue me! Pursue me!” You are on his mind more than he is on yours. The guiding force behind all creation, behind all the acts of unfolding history, the force behind the Story from Genesis to Revelation, is God’s delight in us and his desire to be with us. He is the Lover and we are the Beloved.

“When I look at your heavens, the
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful
of him,
and the son of man that you
care for him?”
- Psalm 8:3,4

The same arms that spread the skies wrap you and me in loving embrace. The same hands that placed the stars in the sky comfort us when the world turns its back to us. The One who carved the moon out of nothing and placed it in the sky, sparkling silver in the sun’s golden light, lifts us, too, up out of our troubles and problems and pains, and he sets us in his bedchamber. We are his cherished ones; he created the sunset and the stars and the moon and the sun just for us. Kangaroos and the Serengeti and hummingbirds and spring meadows and the aura borealis, all were created for us! The One who names the stars knows the very number of hairs on your head, and he loves you. The same hands that painted the clouds and sunset and the waves lapping against the beach reach for you, pursue you, and draw you close. You are God’s one and only Beloved.

Thursday night gathering has turned into a chaotic animal house. No one pays attention; everything is just a big joke, oftentimes even the stuff we're talking about (even when the topic is, ironically, GOD); some of those there make fun of others, backbite others, throw gossip into the wind, spoiling the sacredness of whatever we're talking about. No one ever wants to DISCUSS anymore; they're there for the food mostly, and when there's no food, they get in and get out. Even some 'turn' when they get to small group, and are bent on disrupting it as much as possible.

What has happened? I am clueless.

Where did the first Thursday gathering go? Sitting together, immersed in nature, speaking our minds and our hearts and just reveling in the knowledge of God, and the knowing God. Where did the honesty and the interest and the sacredness run off to? Where did the genuine love for one another drip away to? I am lost; I don't know how to get back. For months I've tried to drag it together, but every time is a failure. I have tried it lovingly, but I must admit, I've been on the verge of ripping up the papers and just leaving.

I have had several friends tell me that it needs to change, that it upsets them the way it acts. A friend told me that last night, and was afraid it would make me upset; I agree with her, but what can I do? I just want to end it half the time.

It is a waste of my life, it feels, yet deep down, I know God put me there, and put the people that gather together in that room. So what now?

I don't know how to explain. Actually, I can't. It is one of those things you can't understand. I was praying in my room, when suddenly I stopped. It hit me, right between the eyes, an icycle piercing my soul:

"I am talking to God. I am talking to the Creator."

Think about that.

Wherever you are, open your Bible and read Daniel 10, because it has been an amazing insight for me. Daniel has received a terrifying revelation, and for three weeks he is fasting and mourning, no doubt starving for an answer from God. But no answer, no whisper, nothing has come from God. A lot of us would say we've blown it, or God is holding back from us. I have thought that SO MUCH. But if you read down through Daniel 10, you find God's messenger coming to Daniel, and apologizing for not coming right away. What happened? Evil forces held him at bay and he had to fight them off with the help of one of the mightiest angels, Michael.

What this reminds me of is two things. First, when our prayers go unanswered, when a family member tragically dies, when we screw up and fall into sin, when we bomb out in ministry, or when we go through a lot of dry times without tasting the goodness of God, it doesn't necesarily mean that we have completely screwed up; it doesn't mean that God has turned his backs on us or is practicing the 'silence of God' or is holding out on us; it doesn't even mean that he's testing our patience. We can't forget that we are in a WORLD OF WAR. All AROUND us a battle rages; if we open the eyes of our heart, we can see it. I can see it. You can, too - just open your eyes. It isn't a battle of flesh and blood, but a battle for our hearts, for our lives. It is God battling Satan for our freedom in Christ. No doubt there are battles raging over prayers, during worship, temptation, and tragedy. The good angels don't win every battle; Satan wins a few, too.

Second, Daniel 10 reminds me that while God has our lives planned out, it doesn't always 'go to plan.' A lot of people I know read the Scriptures that God has a plan for our lives and then just lay back, relax, and say, "I'm safe no matter what happens." They're deceived. Because while God has a plan for good for us, the Enemy has a plan for evil against us. So when tragedy strikes and we say, "Was this your plan?" maybe it wasn't. When we don't get into that college or we don't get accepted into that church ministry or when we don't get married to the person we want, maybe that didn't fit into God's plan? We have to remember this and not get complacent - we are in a massive war, and we have roles to play in the battle. And the last thing we can do is say "God has a plan" and ignore the fact that, yes, so does the Devil. Satan can't possess us; but he sure as heck can screw around with us.

There's a battle raging all around us, a battle we cannot see.
Grab your sword - we have to fight.

We all have visions, if we spiritual at all, f what Jesus wants us to be, and the great thing is to learn not to be disobedient to the vision, not to say this it cannot be attained. Yet in fulfilling visions we must be revolving around and overcome not by the cause or product but by a Person, Jesus Christ! We need to be absolutely for Jesus Christ, seeing nothing else, living for nothing else. Our whole lives are to have no end, no aim, no purpose but Jesus! - Oswald Chambers

I am excited. Tomorrow I am purchasing Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. I have all his other books, and I am eager to reread them all. If you want to borrow any, just ask! They are revolutionary. John Eldredge is also the author of The Sacred Romance, The Journey of Desire, Wild at Heart, and his newest, EPIC. All are well-worth a deep, thoughtful look.

All Christians need to vote Bush or they've got their views all messed up. All Christians need to vote Republican - God's a Republican. If Christians vote for Kerry, they're going against God's will and need a brain check. If Kerry wins, the End is coming soon.

I don't really believe any of that, but these are some of the statements that have been popping up on televangelist news, websites all over the Internet, and in the school cafeteria. If I were voting, I admit that I don't really know WHO I would vote for. Bush stands for a lot of things I stand for, but so does Kerry. I guess I would vote Kerry because he can actually make a big impact on the things I stand for - helping out with the poor, etc. I know Christians who are die-hard Bush and Christians who are die-hard Kerry, but I have disagreements with none of them!

I saw a sticker that said GOD IS NOT A DEMOCRAT... OR A REPUBLICAN. I jokingly told my friends that Jesus would be an independent, but I really don't think Jesus would run for President. Politics are hardly even mentioned in the New Testament, except for when Jesus says, "Render to Caesar's what is Caesar's," and, "obey the laws of the land." The Scriptures also tell us that whoever wins will either a) be placed in power by God's choosing, or 2) allowed to be in power by God's permission. Either way, nothing that happens tonight and none of the results of tomorrow are going to throw God's plans out-of-whack. It's all in His Plan!

And to say Kerry is evil incarnate is just plain dumb. Kerry is a good man. I really do believe that. I think he is capable of running the country. You may consider me a hypocrite for throwing some Kerry jokes on here a week or two back, but even then I pointed out I had no problems with Johnny. To say Kerry is the antichrist is a little too extreme - that sure is going to attract non-Christian Kerry-voters to Jesus!

So really, I don't care who wins tomorrow. Either way, no skin off my back. I pity my friends who are going to have a meltdown in Kerry wins :-). Check out Doug Hill's blog for an amazing insight into some of the stuff I've said here.

Prayer Remix 2

If you've ever seen Louie Giglio's 'prayer remix' message, then it probably hit you as hard as it hit me. Everyone I've talked to who's heard it says it is very powerful. I actually did a house church message on it! But I realize there was one thing he didn't talk about in that message (however, I did not see his other prayer remix messages, it just wasn't in this one). I believe God has been laying it on my heart to pray for other people, and for the past few days, I have been. Sometimes we get so wrapped up with me-me-me in our prayers that we don't look upward (towards God) and outward (towards others). What I've discovered is that when i focus my prayers on God and not on myself, something amazing happens. When I focus my prayers on God, God uses me in tons of different ways. And when i focus my prayers on others, the prayers get answered. I encourage everyone to pray for others. It sounds Sunday-Schoolish, I know, but it is so important. Perhaps, when we have the chance to talk about anything, say anything, or ask for anything from the Creator who can DO anything, and we focus not on ourselves but on the Creator first and others second, maybe He sees our selflessness and says, "Granted." I don't know. But here are two ways my prayers 'for others' have been answered specifically (others probably have, I just haven't heard about them).

1) The first actually happened Saturday night. A bunch of my friends were going to a concert, so I just prayed that they would have a good time and it would be a night they would never forget. Well, Sunday morning they were bouncing off the walls. I find out that they met Russ from ZAO and the guitarist from another band they were excited to be seeing. They were also first in line and in the very front. It was an amazing concert.

2) my friend Tyler has been struggling a lot with 'message' ideas for a Bible Study he co-leads on Monday afternoons. He has expressed to me over and over how hard it is for him, and while he's been praying for help, it was slow in coming. So I just 'lifted him up' in prayer, and then while he was in Business class, out of the blue rushed TONS and TONS of ideas, barraging him from all directions, and he was literally screaming in excitement during lunch.

Those are just two ways I have heard of. Who knows what else God is doing? I just think we should all pray for others more than for ourselves. What would change if everyone in a local church turned their prayers away from themselves and just prayed intensely for each other? Looking at the first days of the early church, I have an answer: MIRACLES.

Revolutionaries

My dad, Tyler and I went to New Life worship gathering tonight, and even though we ducked in half an hour late (my bad), we made in time to hear a powerful message. Tom delivered it straight-up, with passion and devotion, and a lot of the things he spoke about really dug deep into me, the Holy Spirit working. One thing that just won't leave my mind is, "What if?" What if a handful of believers really started following Jesus in more than just mouth; what if a handful of believers really loved God and loved others; what if a handful of believers were overtaken by the Spirit; what if a handful of believers reached out?

Tom is such an amazing guy. He speaks with power, with zeal, and energy that isn't faked, energy that courses from the very blood in his veins. The guy doesn't speak so much with eloquence, but with might. His words are simple and clear, sharp like a double-edged sword. His words aren't puffed up with hot air, but enflamed with fire. Eventually I plan to be a youth minister, or even a 'senior pastor,' and I want to speak like Tom. It isn't just that he's a good speaker, but he means what he says and lives what he says. I haven't really talked to him a lot, but I've read his blog and I've talked about him with others, and the guy is a revolutionary.

Mike Box took over leading worship for Doug tonight, and while I only was there for a song here and there, the energy was there. Mike is such an amazing guy. He worships with an intensity, with a raw and uncensored passion for God. He forgets that he's actually worshipping and just falls before the throne. The guy is an inspiration more than he knows, and he has helped me through my times of trouble and delight; he has been there with encouragement, advice, and is one of the few who really lives the life of Jesus. Yet another revolutionary.

I've only seen Doug Hill two or three times in the last two years, but nevertheless the guy has been one of the greatest encouragements in my spiritual walk. I believe God lined it up so that Doug would be there for me. Of all those who have helped shape my spiritual life, Doug is the one who has made the most difference. He isn't afraid of confrontation. He is quick and to the point. He always has the right advice and the wisdom of Solomon (bad pun, forgive me.) And the guy is real. He is a living example of being consumed by worship, not consumers of worship. His job description at New Life may be worship leader, but it isn't a job for him. It's a life.

Jeff Sutton has also revamped my spiritual life. He took a fledgling Southwest Church student ministry and turned it into something big. He developed 412 Student Ministries, an outlet, a breath of fresh air, for a world thirsting for something to quell parched lips. He is so attuned to worshipping God that he literally forgets that he is worshipping, and his form is taken over by God while he worships. He is a great speaker and his life story in itself speaks volumes on God and Jesus. Yet the greatest contribution Jeff has made to me personally is not choking down my desires and my dreams. Most youth ministers would cringe at the idea of a student leading a small group, of a student speaking in front of 50 people (what if he says something wrong???). But Jeff ignores all the 'rules' of the world and opens up ways for me to get ready for my future. He lets me live out my dream on a day-to-day basis. Because of him, my skill and talent of many things in the realm of leading others have been multiplied, intensified. He is truly a great guy with a heart of love and a heart for God, as cheesy as that sounds.

A lot of people say Pat Dewenter is strange. He is. I love him. He is my best friend, and though he won't admit it, he's closer to God than so many other people. The dude's heart is exploding with love for God. He doesn't bare his arms but lets it flow. He's serious when it's time to be serious and hilarious - absolutely HILARIOUS - when the time calls for it. He has helped me so much, and in our many talks regarding faith and God and sin and all the what-not, he has opened my eyes to many ideas, most of which have found their places in my journal and on my blog. Here is one of the few people I feel comfortable with talking about my struggles and temptations and burdens and worries in this life.

Tyler and I had been friends in sixth grade, but for two years we were separated, and we came together, united in faith and united in vision, in purpose. Tyler, too, wants to be a youth minister, and while he sometimes says - or gives off the vibe - that he won't be any good, I know he will be, for one reason - God is with him. His heart is pure and simple, unfettered and free, tied down to nothing but living for God 24/7. He is always full of ideas. In our almost daily talks on this and that and everything spiritual, we encourage each other and exchange views and wanderings of the mind.

I don't really know Rochelle that well, though I know Kristen OK. From what I've read from Rochelle's comments on my blog and other peoples' blogs, her heart is in the right place and she is making a HUGE difference. Everyone at Southwest saw God intervening in her life about a year ago with a miraculous cure to cancer. It is no doubt that God is with her, and that she is a child of God. She has her own blog now, and it is just something other-worldly. Her faith is so strong, it is an inspiration and helps build me up in my own daily weaknesses. Her daughter Kristen, too, is a spiritual revolutionary - she leads a Friday morning Bible Study (which, I must admit, I've missed a couple times over the last two weeks), and she is real and hardcore in her worship. There need to be more Rochelles and Kristens around.